thank you for your honest replies. i'd prefer my original post not be displayed anymore, as it seemed to convey the wrong message.

if deleting it violates any rules, please poke me so i may make it right.

In the nicest way possible, I want to say that you do not sound like you are in a place to be in a relationship. It sounds like (obviously I don't know you, just going by your description) you might suffer with some crippling mental health issues, and would serve yourself best by working with a mental health professional to get yourself to the best place possible mentally before you think about relationships, dieting, etc.

That said, you say you he was wonderful, you wanted to marry him, and you totally understand why he left. Yet you want to "stick it to him" and get "revenge." That doesn't compute for me.
It would be very difficult, no matter how much you love the other person, to constantly help someone who needs to have "all the crazy beat down." It is unreasonable, in my estimation, to depend on another human being to keep you in check and handle your anxiety and depression. That is a lot to put on a person! So while I'm sure he loved you, he apparently couldn't be what you wanted him to be.

So I guess what I'm saying is, instead of wasting your time on destructive pursuit (revenge...which makes no sense because you never say anything that indicates he left because you weigh more than he would prefer.) you would be best served by dedicating yourself to your mental health and getting as well as possible. THAT, more than any weight loss, would probably impress him and make him happy for you.

I hope you feel better soon!

I'll be the dissenter. There is no wrong reason for working out and eating well. Not even if your dream is to become a high class call girl and you need to look great. Not even if you want to rub someone's nose in it. ANYTHING that gets you through the daily grind of making a hundred good choices a day is acceptable.

I do think that you have a lot of emotional work to do on yourself, but I do NOT think that missing an opportunity to work on your body will help anything. Ideally, you do both at once!

I personally don't think this sounds like revenge. It sounds more like building yourself up. You don't want to hurt him, sounds more like you want to prove to yourself that you are worth it. (Which if course you are, but sometimes it is hard to see ourselves). If calling it revenge in your head gets you started right now, I say go for it.

You're still dealing with the consequences of a very traumatic breakup. It's perfectly okay to be a little spiteful and a little crazy! And channeling that pain into bettering yourself is still bettering yourself, right? I always say that doing the right thing for the wrong reasons is still doing the right thing.

The best revenge is living well and being happy. If losing weight means you're happy, then by all means, call it revenge weight loss I think - hope - you'll find that as time goes by and you get further along, your motives will change. And while you might hate exercise now, it can actually help with depression and anxiety issues - I hate working out, but the rush of happy emotions I feel afterwards have actually caused me to crave it!

You should take care of yourself emotionally, too, though. Allow yourself to be sad, angry, anxious, whatever you feel, but don't allow it to overwhelm you. And if you feel like it is overwhelming you at any point, please call your physician or find a counselor you can speak with

And hey, I totally fell off the 30DS wagon last week and I've been meaning to restart - if you want a partner, we can attack it together!

I would love a partner for 30DS. Accountability is a big factor for me.

I thought I had it on my computer, but it seems I've deleted it?? So today I went to the gym and did 5k on the treadmill. Just walking, but still. Better than nothing. I hear 30DS is available on youtube though.

Do you have a planned start date? I'm ready when you are.

Yes! 30DS is definitely on YouTube (or at least, level 1 & 2 are, I've never quite made it to level 3... ) for free - I open YouTube on the Wii U and that way, I can watch it on TV, or on my iPad if my kid commandeered the downstairs TV - so search for "30 day shred" and you should get the first two levels as your top results.

If you have time and want to start today, I'm all game! Or tomorrow, whichever works for you I just need to go dig out my yoga mat!

How would y'all like a third? 30DS is just what I need right now. I'd love to start tomorrow.

The more, the merrier! I'm actually flying back home for a week on Wednesday and while I'm already planning to pack my iPad and hand weights, I'm concerned I'll find too many excuses not to do it - so this gives me a very good reason to make sure I do

Tomorrow is perfect, gives me one more night free from Jillian Michael's wrath, lol

Sometimes living in the future sucks! Your "tomorrow" has already arrived here in Beijing. Ok. L1D1 starting now.

Hahaha, well, to be fair, I'll start L1D1 tonight

edit: holy crap, I forgot how much I hate the static lunges and anterior raises. One day down, at least! Although I finished at 12:15AM, so I guess I technically did on Monday

My honest advice to you, only because you made this thread asking for opinions, is that you should spend your time pampering yourself and your body well for the sake of practicing self-care rather than losing weight for the sole purpose of "getting back" at your ex-boyfriend. If I were you, I'd be seeking change that would better me by making me more satisfied independently.

I don't quite get your way of thinking. "Revenge" is the word you use, as if your boyfriend has done you terribly wrong, though the first few sentences in your thread stress that you fully sympathize with why he broke up with you in the first place. You not being "amazing" enough was not why your boyfriend left you and you seem to be using "amazing" as a synonym for "fit." If I understand the beginning of your story correctly, he left because your battles with anxiety and depression were ultimately causing him distress, which is an entirely legitimate reason to end a relationship.

I understand that this is not your fault, though it isn't his, either.

If you want to prove yourself stronger than the insecurities the break-up has caused you, trying to find happiness in losing weight for somebody else is not the right direction, especially if your goal is to upset them to find personal satisfaction. I suppose I'm having a difficult time grasping exactly why you think what he did should inspire revenge. Healing should be accomplished by looking forward in your life and taking small steps that make you happy, not looking back on things that upset you and trying to worsen what has already been done.

I disagree with your decision but if that's what you're going to do, it's what you're going to do, and I wish you good luck in that. I just hope the changes you are looking to make are for your benefit alone and with a positive rather than hateful outlook.

I'm going to start us a separate thread for the 30 DS Challenge.