Hi chicks

First off, I have been here before. This site was a tremendous help for me a number of years ago - I'm working under a new login now - I couldn't tell you what the old one was or the email I used since it's been so many years so I decided to just start fresh. I few years back I was FINALLY getting in control. I had lost 50lbs through hard work and exercise and support here and was derailed by a bad relationship. Since then the entire landscape of my life has changed. I gave up entirely. I gained every single pound back and am back at my heaviest weight ever. Additionally I am struggling with alcohol which is part of my nasty weight cycle. I'm now over 30, heavier than ever and more recently have found myself drinking more than ever. Last night was my rock bottom night. Being unable to face the 'spring closet cleaning' having to try on nice weather clothes I drank an entire box of wine in under 3 hours to deal with it. Yes you heard me. that would be 4 bottles. This led to a massive blow out with my BF who I live with - I'm not the nicest drunk..... My relationship and health are in jeopardy because of my weight and my drinking and I need to make a long term lifestyle change. I know my focus here in this specific forum is weight loss but I need to address both problems together because let's face it - i drank about 5000 calories last night because I felt bad that I was fat and now because I'm hungover today along with anxious, embarrassed, sad and scared I am not in control of my food .... like the giant take out burrito I had for lunch. NONE of these choices make sense. It's time for new choices.

I don't know. I tend to be wordy so I'm trying not to go on and on and on here in my introduction. I'm just at the bottom emotionally and tipping the scales at the max and feel just so out of control with everything. I was looking at some other online sites for support but it has always felt more comfortable here and the community seems more active and kind so I decided this was a better place to come back to.

Today is the first day in what I'm hoping is the rest of my life living a healthier cleaner thinner and sober lifestyle. My BF and I left the house today on good terms. We are working on mending our relationship which is part of the 'why I overeat and over drink' root problems. We took first steps and removed all of the alcohol from the house and today I am not going to drink. Tomorrow I'm going to get up in the morning sober and well rested and go workout with my trainer. I will pack healthy foods and not eat giant take out burritos and continue being my own worst self sabotaging enemy. I will come here and read all of your inspirational stories. I will share here when I struggle and give back as much positive support in return as I can. I will seek out separate help for the drinking if it looks like I am physically unable to stop without a program but where I don't think I am so far gone that I will be suffering any physical withdrawals I'm giving it the old cold turkey try with family support first.


June 2, 2014 Day 1
Starting Weight 247
First mini goal - 10 lbs and one full first week sober. Taken one day at a time.
Long term goal - approximately 90-100lbs and a healthy sober long term lifestyle. Taken one day at a time.

Your post is quite touching because you faced what is destroying you, you did accomplish your first goal by being conscious of what needs to be done.

Congratulation for taking the decision to stop drinking, it is hard to admit that it is a problem and if I am not mistaken it is half the battle.

Did you consider getting into AA to remain accountable and also get the support you need for the drinking, it is a difficult addiction and you need to put all the chances on your side.

So bravo I raise my hat to you

welcome to the forum, do not beat yourself up for the weight and for the drinking. instead congratulate yourself first for acknowledging what needs to change in your life.
believe me things will look up one day at a time.
I do not drink but I have been at my heaviest at 256lbs just by eating carbs and sugars. I feel very guilty and beat myself up for it but that will not melt the weight off, making small changes in diet and working out will and I have made that change by incorporating fruits and veggies in my diet and joining a yoga class for starters. I am currently at 240 lbs. 90 more to go...
so if I can do it you can tooo and so can anybody else who wants to make a positive change in their lives.
I am sorry if I came out preachy n all . I tend to get emotional when It comes to anybody struggling with weight issues...
all the best.

Welcome Sunny! Don't be afraid of being wordy, say it all, say it twice, say in different ways. Working through this stuff is HARD, give yourself credit for not hiding from the problems! Nothing gets ever gets fixed if we don't confront our issues (and we ALL have issues of some sort!)!

You've got quite a bit on your plate. Tackling weight and alcohol at the same time will be no joke. Make sure you're getting all the help you need to be successful!

And come and post often -- jump right in with lots of words! Words are GOOD!

Yay, you're here! You, my dear, will be successful. It's not gonna be easy but you know that already. No surprises! And it's hard for everybody in all our different ways! I don't have an alcohol addiction but I did a carb one and I kicked that. Hopefully, this is your epiphany to turning it all around!

Thank you folks. It's so good to be back here. Yesterday was rough but today is already better. I was up at 4:30am, had a great session with my personal trainer, ate a balanced breakfast and .... well... took care of myself. Instead of what has become a regular routine of take shower, don't bother with hair, don't bother with makeup, throw on jeans and sleep on the train to work (I have a lovely 1.5 hour commute) I took a shower, dried and straightened hair, put on a nice outfit and makeup and caught up on emails on the train. My vision is clearer today. This is day 1 back on plan and day 2 without drinking. I love this site so much. I'm already feeling the encouragement that I felt when I came here years ago. Thank you for your kindness and pumping me up.

Everyone has struggles that help in getting them to a weight like this. Alcohol is just a big part of mine (ok that and big fat bagels). Thankfully I do not feel that I am so far gone down the rabbit hole that I cannot turn things around entirely if I'm committed to doing so and have the right support on the home front. I know AA is always there but to be completely honest I am never going to go to an AA meeting - but not for the reasons you may think. I think the program is great, it helps many people but as a non-religious person I'm extremely uncomfortable with the emphasis the program places on God. I know that religion and faith in God is very important for many people and if that is what helps you I am in full support of it but for me personally I need to find another way. If I need more structured help for that portion of my journey I would most likely work with private counselors or doctors over AA because of the religious aspect - for me personally to recite prayer and ask God for help as a part of my process I would just be doing nothing but lying about who I really am - seems counterproductive to me to embark on a journey to change my life based on a commitment to a program where I have to lie about who I really am. Does that make any sense? Please also don't take my religious beliefs the wrong way and be offended - I always get nervous when religion comes up. I'm extremely respectful of religion and everyone's beliefs - which is very personal. I'm comfortable with my beliefs and my spiritual life and also find I am open and understanding enough to never pass judgment on what might comfort someone else. If you were to pray for me because that is your way I would never say anything but thank you and feel lucky to have you on my side

Yay Sunny, glad today is starting great!

I totally understand where you are coming from (both with the big fat bagels [one of my major weaknesses] and all the rest of it as well, since I am an atheist and a secular humanist.).

Sunny, I do believe in God but AA wouldn't be for me either. Not only for that (it's not a religion, of course, but I guess I just don't believe in organized religion while still believing in God) but groups are just not my thing. Well, except for message boards, but I get to "attend" message boards in a solitary way in my own home at my leisure.

I dunno, I don't know you, obvs, but I have a feeling you can do this with your own internal fortitude just based on your willingness to post what you did.

Thanks for being understanding ladies. In an attempt to open every possible immediate avenue - gain information and encouragement to get started back up I had tried a different forum (on an entirely different site) that was 100% alcohol related (then a separate area for weight loss in which just nobody responded and it didn't give me the impression it was a very active place) and the responses I experienced were nothing like the encouragement and positive energy that I find happens here which is why I just came back here all together instead. It was very 'AA is the only way find God today or you will fail' so I'm a little off kilter from having that response. It didn't feel like there was any acceptance or room for someone seeking help and advise and support that that had a different type of faith or belief (I believe in stuff, I'm spiritual, just not very organized and not very comfortable with it in public). I think support groups are supposed to be ... well... supportive and I wasn't getting that vibe on the other site and it was a little discouraging. I figured better now to just really introduce myself and get it all out there. I too enjoy the online forum format (especially if it's responsive like it is here) mainly because I travel a lot and am very technology dependent living on my ipad. I'm not in a schedule situation where I can just physically go find a meeting if I feel I need to get something out or if I'm having a day that is a struggle - but with this it's always there 24 hours a day and someone is always listening it seems which is comforting.

I find it's better to be honest about myself. My problems are all connected and I need to treat them as that. I think it's best to just be willing to throw all of myself out there honestly - I didn't get to where I am by being honest, I did it by hiding and lying to myself and pretending nothing was wrong - in order to change that I need to be committed to being all in 100%