This is my first post here. I am 36 years old and have been dating my BF for a little over a year. I have gained about 20 lbs since meeting him, and he gained a bit too. He's an excellent cook so he was cooking some excellent meals.

In February he joined a gym and decided to commit to weight loss. So he's been going pretty crazy with it... he's lost about 19 lbs thus far. I joined a gym at the same time and he was trying to motivate me to go by constantly asking me if I went and it ended up being a demotivator. In the long run, I decided that it was more important for me to quit smoking first, then work on my weight. To me, smoking is a far greater "evil" and was doing far worse to my body.

So here I am, 42 days cigarette free! BUT, I'm the heaviest I have EVER been by far. My BMI is near 40. I'm definitely not happy with my body, and I have been in and out of Weight Watchers trying to stay motivated and failing miserably.

Over the past month I have felt that my BF doesn't seem as attracted to me. Without going into details LOL. So... last night I kind of pushed him for an answer... aren't you attracted to me anymore? And he said that he loves me, but I could stand to "lose a couple of pounds". But that he's proud of me for quitting smoking and that was a big accomplishment, etc.

My immediate reaction was to say F YOU, but instead we talked for a couple more minutes and I got off the phone and cried. And cried. And cried. And today I feel uncertain as to how to proceed.

As I said, I've been wanting to lose weight and I'm uncomfortable. And do I feel more motivated since he said that? Yes, yes I do. But I also feel sad. And uncertain about whether or not I feel like its okay for him to have said that. But I did push him for an answer.

Has anyone else experienced this with a significant other? Any advice?

Welcome! You will find people that are very supportive and helpful here. Congratulations on the smoking cessation-that is amazing!

It is a shame that your boyfriend doesn't know the power of his words, although he could have said nothing and continued to resent you for your weight gain. So I don't know what the right answer is. On one hand, you did ask him a question, and he answered it honestly. On the other hand, many men would never touch that with a twenty foot pole! So I don't know what the "right" answer is, but I am sorry he hurt you.

If you didn't think you could simultaneously lose weight and stop smoking, I think you made the right choice quitting smoking first. That way, you will be dealing with your "true" metabolism and hunger in the absence of nicotine, as well as having better starting fitness for exercise. Also, now that you quit, you will have more money for workout clothes and rewards for fitness goals achieved. Oh the possibilities!

If you need help in devising a plan, the ladies (and gentlemen) here have lots of experience and many methods (there isn't just one "right" way), and can probably help you a ton. If you just need to vent, or need support, you can find that, too. Stick around. Seeing other people getting fit or just getting frustrated helps to keep it real, and keeps you accountable, too. But don't let an upsetting comment be your motivation for weight loss and health. Let your health and longevity motivate you, plus or minus some really cute new outfits. Also, I would talk to your boyfriend and tell him that your smoking cessation was very difficult, and that it was not likely to have begun a weight loss regimen and quit smoking, too. Tell him that you are dedicated to losing weight and getting healthy, but that he did hurt your feelings by what he said. Also, let him know that just like nagging would drive him nuts, his nagging you about going to the gym is a powerful turnoff for inspiration. Then maybe you guys could work on a solution together. Good luck!

Well, you did ask. Give the guy some credit for trying to be honest with you. You can't blame him for answering your question, even if the answer isn't what you wanted to hear.

Advice? Well, assuming that physical attraction is a big part of a relationship (and I think it is), I'd say you have to decide whether you want to keep him around and lose weight or break up and find somebody else that prefers your current body type. So it probably depends on how good the rest of your relationship is. If you were planning to lose weight eventually anyway, you might as well just use it as motivation to get started now.

If you opt for the weight loss, I wouldn't worry about hitting the gym if you don't like going for whatever reason. Diet is MUCH more important. I (and a lot of other people) have the most success with calorie counting, so I recommend looking up MyFitnessPal and getting started there. It's pretty simple, just takes some discipline. If you've managed to quite smoking, I'm betting you have plenty of that.

It's totally natural to feel sad and upset about things - but wouldn't you rather be with someone who loves you enough to be honest about difficult subjects? You asked, and he gave you the truth. I imagine he might feel terrible as well, as I'm sure he doesn't want you to be upset.

Congrats and continued good luck on quitting smoking! Maybe you can see that as phase one and start thinking about phase two for what you want to do regarding your health.

me me me! pick me! lol!
I had a similar experience with my BF some months ago. It is very difficult to hear about your weight problem from the person you love, I cried too! So when I got a office desk job and was no longer on my feet all day long I gained about 60lbs in 2-3 years. I have been with my same boyfriend the whole time and he never said anything until the end of 2013. My eating was out of control at this time and I never exercised. Sometimes you just neglect to acknowledge what is happening to yourself, you know? That was me. My boyfriend sat down with me and just said you know you've gained some weight, maybe doing something about that will make you feel better. Immediately I felt hurt, huge, unattractive and unloved. But I realized these are the feelings I caused myself. I was incredibly out of shape, so lazy and unmotivated and that is what he saw. I too was so uncomfortable in my own skin I didn't know what to do. It is not right for your SO to belittle you because of your weight but I think it is another story for them to be concerned of your happiness. After a few diet starts and fails I have been committed (not perfect, but not stopping) since the first of march and have lost 12 maybe a few more pounds, and I feel like a different person. It is hard to accept hearing about your weight from your SO but before you are too harsh try to figure out if it is coming from vanity or if it is coming from the heart.

I went through something similar with my bf of 8 yrs.. he dumped me cause he thought I was not motivated enough to lose weight. The breakup was traumatizing to say the least but it was more cause we had been together forever and part of me was angry that he couldn't come up with a better reason.

I've lost some weight now and it's a daily conscious effort to maintain the lifestyle change that brings about the weight loss but over time I learnt one thing from that whole experience.. I put in a lot of effort to lose the weight for my own ego but now I cant stand to see my sister eating all the bad things and gaining weight so I keep pushing her to join the gym and lose weight. The same way your bf was pushing you.

I can totally understand how you might be feeling but instead of asking you to dump him or "forget about him cause he doesn't love you for who you are".. I will ask you to maybe try and lose the weight for yourself. You are insecure about yourself and you knew something was wrong and hence you forced him to answer your question. Once you get back to the shape you were in, the insecurities will vanish and you will feel attractive and confident and that I am a 100% sure will reflect in how you portray yourself and that will make you more appealing and bring back whatever you see missing in your relationship.

Do it for yourself first. Rest everything will fall into place. Good job on going smoke free! You're already on your way to a better you Good Luck!

Just an idea... if he is an excellent cook, perhaps you two can come up with a healthy flavourful meal plan that will assist in your weight loss (whichever method you choose - not judging here). You DID say that YOU aren't happy with your body, so why should he be, when things have changed? Just playing devil's advocate, but something to think about. This change is NOT just coming from him - you wanted it first and you did ask. Good for him for being honest (men aren't usually good at wording things gently, though), and good for you for not telling him to F. O. in retaliation.

The smoking thing is definitely the most important, drink lots of water (unflavoured/non-carbonated) to help to flush the toxins and assist your body in burning fat, and get as much fresh air exercise as you can. Maybe the gym is not for you, try brisk walks to start, hike on trails if you can, bicycle, swim, play some hoops on a street court, rollerblade along a boardwalk, lol, whatever else you like.
Try to include your BF on some of these activities as a 'non food-based togetherness' project.

I come at this from the opposite end of the spectrum, since a few months ago I was wondering how to tell my hubby that I found the extra 15 lbs fat roll around his middle unappealing even though I love him. I didn't get to that stage though because he suddenly found none of his pants did up anymore... and then got serious about tracking how much food was REALLY going into him. (He didn't actually understand that 6 servings of granola for breakfast, although only 1 1/2 cups of volume, is WAAAAY too much to eat.) LOL, I did tell him after he lost the weight though, in case he decides to get lazy over the winter. We've been married for 32 years so we understand each other pretty well.

Best wishes on your health journey
Liana

Wow, well I'm seriously glad I posted here! This has been very helpful. I think my life lesson here is "don't ever ask a question you aren't prepared to hear the answer to."

I do feel more motivated now. I'm still in WW online and I guess I'll do that?? I'm not sure. I have a real hard time sticking with ANYTHING for too long.

What I really want to do is start to cut way back on processed foods... less sugar, less wheat, etc.

Is there a board on here I should look through for diet ideas?

Here's the way I look at it. If I've asked the question and pushed for honesty and I don't like the answer, it's my responsibility to deal with it. If I know I can't, I don't ask the question. Period.

Also the responsibility to effect a change lies with you. Someone can be as gentle and supportive and well meaning as all get out in their encouragement; but until you're ready, you will always perceive it as a negative. There is where BF needs to rein it in some as you are resenting his well-meaning encouragement. Accept wholeheartedly his praise for quitting smoking, tho. You deserve it.

I am so impressed with the 3FC member Munchy, I think she posts under Volumetrics, she cooks real, whole foods and has it down to a fantastic routine, she sets aside at least one day a week where she cooks meals and freezes them for portion control (for herself and her family - to-go breakfasts, lunches and dinners)
http://www.3fatchicks.com/forum/gene...followers.html

And HUGE congrats on quitting the cigs!! And I can't add anything else to what all these wise ladies have pointed out. But I do agree that focusing on what you eat is going to help your weight loss much more than exercise, but DO exercise for fitness.

OH man I agree on the 'don't ask a question you are not prepared to hear the answer to', lol.


You are too cute!!

I think everything I was going to say has been covered, but CONGRATULATIONS on quitting smoking! It is HARD, and I think you made a good choice by focusing on that first, and now weight.

Just remember that you're losing weight/getting healthy for you, even though it seems like it will have a positive impact on your relationship as well. Welcome to 3FC

Great thread and responses, you're so on target with "don't ask the question you don't really want to hear the answer" deep down you must have wanted the answer, I've cried a few times when I have heard what I know is the truth. I come out stronger.

I think Munchy is great, too.

There's a whole forum on WW, I've been there in the past, was in the 40 something's group for years and just recently landed in weight loss support, currently loving the Daily Accountability thread.

I also like the accountability in the monthly weight loss and exercise challenges in Chicks up for a challenge.

My recommendation would be to start posting somewhere and you'll soon find yourself with a little support group. Keep looking around for new ideas, especially if you have trouble sticking with one plan.

I'm a big believer in trying different things and keeping what works and adding in things from plans I read about that sounds like it would work for me. It keeps things kind of fresh.

Wishing you the best

I'm feeling the love today - I didn't realize anyone was really reading my posts.

I find that deprivation is a sure way to be resentful about what we can and can't eat. I try really hard to make sure that I'm not eating things that I don't like. I have posted about this a million times, but the volumetric thread that vermontmom linked has a lot of ideas and meal plans for how I'm able to feed my family well in our busy schedules. We cook once to eat many times, make freezer meals, and incorporate vegetables into nearly everything. The first thing I do when I'm making a dish is "what's my produce focus?" I don't typically start with meat like many others do - it's always vegetable as the main component of my meals.

You and your boyfriend can turn this into a really fun learning experience to try to cook new and exciting dishes that are both delicious and healthy. Plus, cooking with your SO can be very intimate.

This is an issue you guys can and will get through! I can identify with your BF to some extent so I'll try to give his side. When my husband and I got together I used to not like physical activity. I didn't like being outdoors and although I was going to a gym at the time it was kind of like a no big deal.

A couple of years after we got married though I started playing tennis, exercising outdoors, hiking, I got a bike, I just came to find myself changing a lot!! I love fitness, being outdoors, I want to go on hiking trips, ski trips, etc. My husband can't swim, can't ride a bike, is scared of hiking, has never skiied, and has no intention of learning how to do any of it. I don't let it come between us but I'd be lying if I said that it's not a bummer. I want to pursue some of these experiences with him and it holds me back. I imagine us riding our bikes together, going on long hikes, well you get the picture!

So what I'm sensing is that your boyfriend has taken on this whole big change in his life and he wants you to participate. That's awesome if you ask me, can you meet him halfway? If I were you I'd talk to him about it. It sounds like you have some fears about weight loss and being able to keep up with him but I'm sure if you guys got together and talked about it you'd realize that he'd be willing to help you along. And yes, why not get him to cook awesome healthy meals?

This! I was thinking this, too. He is so excited about getting more fit and losing weight that he wants you to feel that way, too. It actually is a huge compliment to how he feels about you, that he would risk pushing you to help you get more fit and happy!!!