I don’t know who to talk to about my problems. Most people just tell me their problems and don’t have time to listen to mine. And I fear that my problems will seem trivial in their eyes. I am 27 years old, unmarried, never had a boyfriend, fat, and am working at a job I hate (hope that’ll change soon).

My mom asked me one day if I am happy. All I did was shrug and say “eh..” In truth I am absolutely miserable. I am THIS close to crying every moment. I have no idea how I keep it together. But I know I have to for my mom. Coz if she knew how sad I was, it’ll kill her. And as long as she’s alive, I want her to think that I am happy. When she’s gone, I’ll probably end up killing myself. That’s the only time I will be happy on this earth.

I am so unhappy at my job. I have worked for three and a half years in one company without a promotion. I have always got low end work which I have done without a problem, but I am not a suck up. So managers tend not to like me. So I think that’s a reason I am not being promoted. In Sri Lanka, if you want be promoted, you have to be a kiss ***. I don’t want to be that person. Especially because I hate the work. I am seriously considering quitting my job. I applied for another job, had an interview last Monday (24th) that went really, really well. I am yet to get a call for the second interview. I am worried they are taking so long to call.. So until I find a new job, I have to work at that f*****g **** hole. I hope the other company calls me soon..
I have waited so long in my life to be happy. I had this big plan for my life. Married at 22 to man who adored me, first kid at 24.. What an idiot I was.. One thing is for sure though. I have definitely given up on men. I may not earn much right now but I know I can support myself with what I earn. So I don’t need a man to take care of me. I know my mother has other plans. Maybe I’ll marry whoever she thinks is good for me.. Just to make her happy.. Having a man maybe great for most women. But for me, considering the men I’ve had in my life (elder brother, dad, guy friends, etc), I’d rather stay single.

Yesterday I was so depressed, I ended up crying on the bus ride home. I am a good person… I don’t understand why this is happening to me.. I hope someone out there can advise me. I am tired of being sad..

Your story brought tears to my eyes. I’m so touched. And this is mainly because I’m living in a situation similar to yours.
-I just turned 30. I’ve never had a boyfriend either, never kissed, never hugged a lover, never held hands with a lover.
- My plans were not as detailed as yours but one thing I was super sure of was that I wasn’t going to start my 30’s unmarried.
- I’ll spare you my whole life story, but yes, just like you, the men in my family are some of the worst males to come accross.
- Just like you, I have only my mum left. Until pretty recently I tried to hide my extreme constant sadness but last year the bottle couldn’t hold any longer. She (my mum) took me to a psychologist.
- Over the past 2 years, tears were my daily bread. I take taxis to go to work. I used cry on my way to and from work.every.single.day. I'd cry myself to sleep, cry during my sleep and cried whenever I was alone and no one could notice it. Silently when I can, loudly when I can’t hold myself. My eyes and face were almost always swollen because of so much crying, and in addition to trying to hide my weight, I had to try to conceal my face too!
- Unlike you, I’m absolutely in love with my job. Wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. For someone my age, the salary and fringe benefits are HUGE But even despite that I constantly had suicidal thoughts, I tried it once, but the only reason I never got to the end was that I didn't want to cause such a pain to my poor mum!
My advice to you is…PLEASE SEE A PSYCHOLOGIST.
I too live in a 3rd world country where seeing mental health professionals is misunderstood and misinterpreted, but please do it for you and your mum. It helps to tell your stories to someone who would not judge you and will help you in a professional way.
My mum used to be so crushed to see me down, that it was taking a toll on her health (you’re right about that one). But now that I’m doing so well, she too is back to her normal self. We have found each other again.
TO YOU! Feel free to send me a PM if you wish.
One day I talked about my feeling of loneliness and my feeling of being unworthy of love from the opposite sex. A member of this forum reminded me of the fact that, one day, when the UNIVERSE decides that I'm ready, someone INCREDIBLE will come my way. I'm passing the same words to you. Don't give up hope. Medical treatment will help you have another outlook on life, I assure you!
And you know, for your mum: even if you don't say it, mothers read us like open books. Just like you I tried my very best to always be and remain mummy's PERFECT daughter, but nowadays, I'm so grateful for the support I allowed myself to receive from her. It's a priceless experience and I feel good to let my mum know that I'm a human with weaknesses too!

Thanks for your reply thirti4thirty. I am thankful that someone understands what I am going through and that I am not alone <hug>

I too think that I need to see a psychiatrist. I've never been happy in my life and have learned to wear this happy mask since I can remember. But I dont think I can wear it much longer.

Thank u so much for sharing your story. Can I ask you how your therapist helped you? Is there anything he/she suggested to you that is simple enough for me to do until I find a therapist?

As you said, I need to speak to someone who won't judge me and will help me in a professional way. When I tell my friends about how sad I am about my job, they say "its just a job. dont stress so much." Easy for them to say coz they are climbing the ladder whilst im still at the bottom after working so hard. I am glad you love your job. It's something that makes you happy. I on the other hand have nothing to be happy about.. I hope that changes soon..

You need to take charge of your life instead of letting life happen to you.

First up go and find a therapist or counsellor to support you through the changes you need to make. You do need a supportive ear. Everyone does.

Secondly by pinning your hopes on this job interview you are setting yourself up for disappointment. You may not get it but that may not be any reflection on you. There may just be someone better suited in their eyes. So don't give up looking if you don't get this job.

I can't remember if you are a new poster here or are just starting to think about losing weight. My advice is start by eating right. Work out your maintenance calories using an online calorie counter, keep a dairy. log everything you eat and get a sense of how to eat the right amount of calories in nutritious foods and not gain weight. Do it for a week or two if you can't get yourself to reduce right yet. I think it helps to be a bit happier before losing. then just reduce a little bit. Don't leave yourself vulnerable to overeating/comfort eating.

Avoid all the fast foods and sweets foods if you are prone to them. Avoid deep fried foods as much as possible. You will have to cut them out when your weight is low except on rare occasions anyway.

Learn to eat healthy - that means generally low calorie foods , lots of fruit and vegetables, protein at every meal, not much just a bit. And when you can, start walking or some other exercise. You don't need to do an hour of gym a day. Just 20-30 minutes walk is enough especially to start but if you don't do that it doesn't matter at this stage.

There are benefits to exercise but if you are busy and can't find time, its better to focus on your diet anyway. Diet should be 20% exercise and 80% diet. More than that usually turns out to be unsustainable in the long term.

Good luck.

My therapy sessions are helping me enormously. I have learnt to talk about some things. Through her questions, I identify the source of some of my problems, especially those I've been carrying since childhood.
I never knew they could have so much influence on me. When I talk to her, the questions she asks help me to go back and explore my feelings from the past until now. Most of those feelings I overlooked or simply ignored. But through our conversations, I have learnt to confront them.
Also, if you are diagnosed with clinical depression (my case) they might prescribe an antidepressant treatment in combination with the therapy.
I used to hate antidepressants and look down on people who use them. I never ever believed that pills could improve my mood. But when I was diagnosed and took the medicines, they proved and are still proving really helpful. At least, I have a clearer mind to analyze things with more objectivity and lucidity. A cloudy, sad and bitter mind doesn't think right.
I was afraid I'd get addicted to the antidepressants, and I discussed it with my psychologist. She has designed a plan adapted to my condition and I'm fine with that.

Thanks Pattience. Yes I do understand that I am putting myself up for disappointment by focusing on the new job that I interviewed for. I shouldn't focus on it. It's just that it's my dream job and I know I will excel at it. I used to think that I wasn't good at anything, but with this job, I know I can go places.. I am taking care of myself by eating right and exercising but my weight is not the reason I put up this post. Thanks anyway

thirti4thirty - I have always bottled up my feelings since childhood. I have an elder brother who is an overachiever and I, on the other hand, used to get by at school. So my dad used to favor him a lot and used to look down on me all the time. Whatever I did never impressed him and that used to affect me alot mentally. I think I am carrying that baggage into my adulthood and am letting people let me think that I am not good enough all over again. I know suicide is the easy way out but the easy way out sounds so good right now..

I will definitely reach out to a professional.. I think I need someone's advice on how to deal with my emotional problems. Someone who is a total stranger and doesn't know me.. thirti4thirty, you have no idea how much you have helped me. Thank you <hug>

You're not alone deary, let me know if I can help in any other way. I'd be happy to.
Sending some your way. Big big big

Sharm, i just want to add that i spent a lot of my life depressed. And i didn't go after things much or have much confidence etc when younger. Therapy helped me and so did studying. But therapy helped me a lot. It does't mean you will never be depressed again. But it does give you hope and it does change the way you live in the world. It gives you tools.

A lot of people benefit from therapy and don't even know they are benefitting. One thing that helped me was to read about it at the same time as i was doing it. I am not saying your start doing it immediately. Its actually probably better just to dive in but there are books on finding a therapist which might be useful to you. Because that way you know when you get someone who is good or not good. And will help you perhaps to avoid some mistakes that are very very common - e.g. the mistake of endlessly doctor shopping and never settling down with one person.

So my tip on that is, if you like the person, stay. But if you get with the first person and you don't feel a connection or anything positive about it, don't feel you have to stay. Find someone else. But when you decide you like someone, usually you can feel this in the first session or two, then stay, stay, stay, until you feel you've worked through all the things that you are going to work through with that person. With my therapist, i came and went several times but when i finally left, i knew i hadn't really anything more i could learn from that situation.

Just as you talk about your father, one can see where a lot of your unhappiness comes from. But even so, ultimately we all have to learn to take personal responsibility for our own lives so its good you are thinking about this now while you are still young. In fact, i think 27 is a good age to do therapy.

Sharms, in America most people have to kiss @ss to get promoted as well but I was never one of those people either. I flat out refuse. I still managed to climb to the top of the ladder in my previous career by just being super sufficient. I recently left that career but that's another thread.

I don't know how things are where you're from but *I* feel expectations to be married with kids by 22 sounds like a nightmare. That's way too young. Speaking from harsh experience I think EVERYONE should wait until they're almost 30 to be thinking about marriage and kids...it's not all rainbows and picket fences. I'm 40 years old and finally ready to get remarried again. You have time. 27 isn't too old, I know it feels that way but it isn't.

You are unhappy about your job and weight and the good news is you can, and will change that. I've been there and being stuck in a job you hate is horrible. I used to want to drive my car off a bridge everyday after that h*ll hole, I totally get it. I think once you're out of there things will start to improve. We're here to help you lose weight.

You're a pretty girl, you WILL find the right guy when the time comes. Don't fret...you have plenty of time. A lot of women here are having their first kids now closer to 35-40. I don't think it will take you that long I'm just saying you have time still so don't worry.

If you're still feeling like ending it all even after finding a new job I would seek therapy. Oh, and cherish time with your Mom I would give anything to have mine back.

Hi, This may sound trite but something in the meanwhile you are looking for therapist can be doing whatever you can to try and live in the present moment.
I used to roll my eyes and get frustrated at all of that meditative talk but to be honest I think it is the only way to peace and contentment. I could be having a moment of contentment when suddenly a worry about later will pop up that just ruins everything. Worrying about future and the inadequacy I felt and regrets about the past contributed to a disabling anxiety disorder.
I wish I had gotten started on this practice much earlier. But the past is done and we only have this moment so I am going to find something to enjoy or appreciate or be grateful for right now.
I am currently reading "Peace Is Every Step: by Thich Nhat Hanh which is a very practical simple read.
Here is a quote from dalai lama:
"19. Live in the moment. This could be the single most important piece of advice you ever heed to. Do not forget nor dwell on the past, but do forgive it. Be aware of the future but do no fear or worry about it. Focus on the present moment, and that moment alone. All of the cliche phrases center around this all-important mantra: Live life to the fullest, seize the day, etc. Living in any other moment will only bring you anguish. The past cannot be changed and the future cannot be controlled. The only time that is malleable is the present moment! If you live in the now, you will be much happier since the past and future cannot weigh down on you. See the good in your current surroundings and be happy."

A really popular book for depression that a psychiatrist a few years ago recommended was "Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy by David D Burns"
as a suggestion if you want to give it a read.

Hi Sharms,

First of all

So much of what you have told me has hit home, my mom is also my rock (I have many sri lankan friends) so I know what you mean about the jobs and being a suck up something I've heard that happens a lot over there. (I hear stories all the time about managers there!)

I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this, you are a beautiful girl! Don't assume you are single because you are fat! I think life works in mysterious ways, so when the time comes the right guy will come along! Just focus on yourself and making yourself a better person.

I was almost engaged to someone who I thought was the one, but he had a family who did nothing but make comments on my weight, I know looking back even though on paper he seemed like the perfect guy there were so many things wrong with him. We broke up after almost 5 years and I was a mess, did bad in school, depressed, my weight shot up and was extremely high, blood test came out bad, my knees kept giving out and I almost had surgery. An all around low point in my life!! But I gave up trying to look for someone, and took small steps to change my bad habits.

Do you have access to a gym or anything? It helped me tremendously with my depression issues. Also meditation! It works wonders! I think by coming here you have already taken a step toward change. and good for you to go look for another job, working at a bad place can really affect you.

You always have a place here to come and vent away (we all have done it!) please keep us updated, and know that you're not alone when it comes to issues with weight loss and depression!

Thanks for your support everyone. I truly appreciate it. I got news this morning that my client has decided to discontinue her dealings with the company I work in. I thought that might happen as she changed a lot of the report content that I worked on. And even when I repeatedly asked my managers to check what was going on they just laughed it off and said they'll call her asap. And this morning they had a meeting with me saying they lost the account. My heart just broke, you guys. I worked so hard to make that client happy. FYI, I was not allowed to contact the client directly as i was a contractual resource. So I couldn't do anything about the cancellation.

My managers told me its not my fault that the company lost the account. I know that. But I am SO tired of moving from one client to the other. I took the rest of the day off as I was too upset to work. I cried my eyes out when I got home.

On the plus side, I got a call back from the new job asking me to come for a second and final interview! I am super excited about that. I just wish this didn't happen right before the interview. I know I told you guys that I ate my job, but I really liked working for this client coz it was very interesting work.

I am having mixed feelings right now. I should be preparing for my interview tomorrow but I am too depressed to do so.. I hope I get the job. I need something positive in my life right now.. I feel like everything is falling apart..

Thanks so much for all your advice. I will take it. Right now my therapists are my dog and my elliptical machine I'll find a professional therapist asap. Thanks so much for caring. This forum has always supported me in the past. Thanks for that. Love you guys xx

Just happened to read this thread. The one sentiment I disagree with is "when the universe is ready, the right guy will come along" or something to that effect. I believe in taking action. If you (generic you) want to find the right guy, you need to put yourself in a position to meet lots of guys, whether through online dating sites or more traditional paths. There's a Japanese saying that translates to "Even if you have bad aim, you'll eventually hit the bull's eye if you fire enough shots."

F.

Love this--Another one I'm gonna save!