Without throwing a pity party for myself, I'll try to sum it all up. I'm 26 years old and I've been overweight my whole life. I've tried losing weight ever since I was about 14 years old, and at 5'5" and my highest weight being 185 pounds, I've never been what most people would consider "obese," however I've never been happy with myself and have always struggled with my self esteem. New Years Eve 2011 I got down to my lowest adult weight, 148 pounds. I felt great, but still wanted a little more. But I got comfortable with compliments and fell off the wagon, getting back up to what I call my "happy weight" (where my body just naturally goes to whenever I stop focusing on weight loss) - 165 pounds. Ever since then I've yo-yoed - getting back up to 185 (for the third time in my life) and this past New Years I was able to get back down to 151ish - I never crossed that 140s-mark but I was close ... and then, sabotage yet again. I got back up to 165, was able to lose a few pounds right before summer to about 160, but over the last few months I could feel myself climbing and climbing and climbing. I'm so damn tired of all this I could scream.

Last week I told myself enough is freaking enough! So I weighed in on Wednesday (my favorite weigh-in day) and there it was 167.6. Ugh. Whatever, time to get it done. Just do it.

So, I had a conversation with my boyfriend, who also wants to lose weight. I proposed we start doing Insanity together and get some better eating habits. My "general" eating habits are pretty good, but when I'm with him (or friends in general) I enjoy the "pig-out" - plus we eat out quite a bit and enjoy the quick-meals - ie. popping in a frozen pizza. He said sure and tried the first Insanity work out with me - and he hated it. Just isn't for him I guess, which is fair because it's not for everyone. He said he'd still encourage me to do the program myself and he'd work out at the gym at his office. So, no biggie. Encouragement might be all I need.

But.

Here I am, two days away from my official weekly-weigh-in, and I've gained weight. As of this morning I'm 169. Yeah, I did Insanity, but only three days. My legs were SO sore I needed extra rest days - I've dabbled with the program before and because of failed attempts in the past I've gotten rid of the all-or-nothing mentality. I'm not going to break my back with the workouts, at least in the beginning. But, my eating? Ugh.

I dunno what it is. My boyfriend does NOT have the best eating habits, and I know I shouldn't let his habits effect what I'm doing but when you spend so much time with another person it's very hard - they want to pop some popcorn during a movie or eat a few cookies after dinner, it's totally their right, but there you are, left with all the temptation. I know already that I need to sit him down again and have a very serious conversation about my weight loss goals and how we really need to support each other, not just with words, BUT...

...It's not his fault. True, he's provided me with extra temptation, but I'm a grown *** woman. I know better than to snack throughout the day and eat things not on plan. I know that I need to work out and burn more than I consume. I've been on so many diets and programs throughout the years and read so many books and articles on the subject that I could probably publish one myself! ... but doing it? I just ... I can't.

Even when I got down to 148; I knew I still had further to go, but I sabotaged myself. And it wouldn't have been so bad if I had just stayed there and not lost anything else, but not only did I not do that, but I GAINED IT ALL BACK! I'm just SO tired of this. I'm SO tired of the constant yo-yoing; the days where you have all the strength in the world to start again and you put your heart and soul into it and then, two days later, it all falls apart, and you tell yourself you'll just start tomorrow.

That tomorrow has come and gone for me a THOUSAND times. I think back to all the times I've made progress and then gained it all back - what makes me think this time is going to be any different.

Maybe my "happy weight" is just where I'm meant to be. I HATE thinking that, though. I really can't stand my body and feel so huge and gross all the time. My boyfriend asks me sometimes if he can look at me, even after we've just been intimate, and the very thought of it makes me want to cry. I want to cover up immediately after we're done, even during. His sister's engagement party is this weekend and finding a dress was HORRIBLE. The one I finally chose is so plain and "corporate-looking" - I'm almost embarrassed to wear it. I can't be flashy, I can't be sexy, I can't turn heads at all, because of my weight. And I'm SO tired of it. Every summer, the thought of wearing bathing suits horrifies me. I refuse to wear tank-tops because of my lovely under-arm area. Going out to bars or parties, ugh. The list goes on and on.

I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be thin and fit and healthy and finally have the confidence I feel like I deserve. But ... maybe I can't. Maybe I'm just not meant to be there. I mean, five days in on a diet and I've GAINED two pounds!? Come on!

I don't know what to do. I really don't. People tell me all the time that I'm not fat, and some of my friends even tell me I should just learn to be comfortable with who I am. Maybe they're right. Maybe I should just be happy with who I am ... but I dunno. To me, that sounds like I'm settling for something I'm not REALLY happy with. Like I'll ALWAYS regret it. Like I'll never be TRULY happy. But at the same time, I really don't know if I can do this. Like. I just don't think I have it in me any more.

When I "started" last week I drew out a plan - 155 by New Years, 135 by the end of March, and my final goal weight, 125, by my boyfriend's sister's wedding on May 25. Only about a pound and a half a week to lose, so totally doable, right? Wrong. One week in, and I'm already going in the wrong direction.

I don't really even know why I'm posting this. I just feel so damn lost and confused and scared that I'll never be happy with myself and this weight will NEVER leave me. I hate that I've gotten so close so many times only to let it all fall apart. And now, all I feel is bitterness, resentment, and fear. I KNOW I need to do this, but ... maybe it's just not meant to be :/

Maybe this will help you. Even though I have a goal weight, what I really focus on are my habits. If I have about an 80-85% success rate over a week with the things I plan to do, then I feel successful. I don't have a scale at home and I only weigh myself at the drs. office.

I have a calorie range that I try to stay within, but I am not a failure if I go over it sometimes. I focus on keeping track on MyFitnessPal, so I am successful even if I have an unplanned ice cream, because I feel in control when I keep track and I can see how well I am doing over time.

I have other habits that I have developed, not 100%, but pretty good. Drink a gallon of water a day - I get this done maybe 5x per week. Exercise everyday - no, realistically I do it 3-4x per week. Eat an bag of frozen vegetable every day - maybe I do this 5x per week as well. Stay within my calories - since I have a range of 1,600-2,000 per day, I can usually achieve it 6x per week.

I also use the Beck Diet principles. I am never 100% with these either, but I do several of them, like reviewing my Reasons for Losing Weight and my goals daily, and sitting down to eat, and planning everything I am going to eat in advance, many times over the course of a week.

All these smaller successes have added up to losing a nice amount of weight this year. I started in February at a size 22 in jeans and yesterday I bought some in size 16.

You can do it if you start making changes one at a time. They really do build up and start to snowball.

I think focusing on good habits is the key. Focus on eating whole grains, get away from the junk and processed foods. The weight will come off naturally and you will feel better. At some point you do have to have control and put your foot down. There are always healthy options when going out to eat. It may be something you prefer but once you start achieving good habits you will not want the crap anymore.

You may have gained weight because you did Insanity three times in one week and your body hoarded water to repair your muscles. You might want to switch to a moderate exercise, at least to start out, and focus more on your diet.

I also hate thinking along those lines and I don't really believe in a happy weight, natural weight, set point, etc. I believe we all strike an individual balance between the weight we want to be and the food we want to eat. The balance depends at least as much on our psychology -- how much we value food, how much we value health, and how much we value esthetics -- as on our physiology. We have some control over that balance, IMO. If you consciously decide you value health/esthetics more than eating freely, you can adjust your weight downward. Not saying it's easy, just doable.

Freelance

First of all, big hugs to you! I understand the feeling of wanting to cover up and not have your significant other look at you. I can't stand looking at myself and avoid it unless I'm fully dressed! LOL!

I do have to say that even if you DON'T feel like doing anything and eating well, do it anyway! On days you don't do insanity, get in a 30 minute walk.

Switch to drinking JUST water. Add flavor if you need to. That has been the biggest help to me and once I made the switch it was easy after a few days. I used to be badly addicted to Mountain Dew.

Do not try and make all the changes at once. Do them little by little. I started drinking mainly water. Then I weaned my coffee down from tons of sugar and creamer to just 2 tbsp. of creamer, measured out. I also try and eat protein at ever meal to help keep me full. Just make the changes gradually.

If you go all out with everything right away, you are much more likely to quite. Keep in mind that motivation is fleeting. Even if you are not motivated, do it anyway!

Make a habit of measuring out your food portions. It helps tremendously. I didn't realize how much I was over eating before I started measuring.

You can absolutely do this! And this forum is an awesome source of support!

I can so relate to what you're saying here...and I echo all that the other ladies have said. One thing I regret...being your weight, saying exactly what you're saying, having never gone beyond 180s in my life before.....and continuing the cycle to where I am now. You're at a good place...a crossroads. You can continue this tape in your head, and reinforce it by what you consider small successes followed by perceived "failures" but that will lead to depression/hopelessness. I know that place well...I'm in it. Or you can take ownership of your habits and choices (learn the lessons I'm learning only now), tap into that inner rebel (get angry, it helps) and be in command of your own self. Find pride in doing that, taking the reigns of your own health and life. The thing is, you've been choosing the lifestyle you've been living...and you can choose differently. We may feel like victims of circumstance or company or held hostage by others' choices, but we really do choose this---every single bite, every single second we sit on the couch as opposed to doing even a moderate workout. We ARE in control.

I'm speaking to myself here. You've inspired me to snap out of the funk again, so I thank you. Good luck, and keep posting!

Did I write this when I was sleeping? You sounds just like me! I'm 5'5 also and pretty much have had the same weight and loses/gains youve had so I feel you! The hardest part is starting and sticking to the mentality and habits of wanting to get fit. Once you get past that "soreness" just how when you did insanity it gets better! Doesn't that make sense? It's hard and it hurts but it gets better! Last year I had a similar goal to yours because I was going to be in my cousins wedding and I swear, when I tried my bridesmaids dress on and actually HAD to get it taken in was such a GREAT feeling not to mention all the "have you lost weight?/you look amazing!" compliments I got at the reception. I've gained weight and again I'm also starting back but congratulations and welcome to this wonderful community! Lots of us have fallen off the wagon but that's why we're here for support. I hope 3FC can help motivate you in your journey and achieve you're goal