So I met this guy . .

I've been chronically single for years, hit 35 with no man in sight (other than just the guys you date b/c you really feel like you 'should' be dating someone)

Anyway, a month after hitting 35, I finally met 'the one'. The man I love, will marry, and spend the rest of my life with, etc (yay me! and thank God, FINALLY) lol

I am now 36 and we are celebrating one year together this month and in this year I have gained a little over 20 pounds!! I finally made myself step on the scale and face it this morning. I knew I had gained, but didn't know how much.

I feel like I've tied eating to so many various states and emotions in my life that getting all this under control is a bigger issue than I want to acknowledge.

I'm embarrassed and feel like he deserves better and I deserve better. I don't want to take it negative and beat myself up, but at the same time, I'm a bit at a loss for what steps to take to mentally break the cycle.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the physical basics of weightloss, but I know this is a 'mind' journey too.

Guess it's just been a revelation day to me and I wanted to share here

He is in a general way. He wants me to lose weight and be healthy, as long as I do it healthfully.

He actually runs a drug and alcohol rehab center so he deals with a lot of eating disorders there (addiction is addiction is addiction), so he's paranoid about me doing anything that seems addictive or extreme in order to lose weight.

I suppose in that way I am very blessed, but it's embarrassing to go to your boyfriend and tell him you are struggling with dietary issues and emotions!

He would understand, but with his counseling skills, there is a part of me that doesn't want to become one of his clients either.

Our relationship is great, but like all of them, not stress free. (read: 3 teenagers and a nutso ex-wife)

Anyway, I'm aggravated with myself, but know I have to simply do what it takes to get a grip on it.

It's very easy to slip into a comfort zone.
You just need to decide that you're ready to push past your comfort zone and make a change. Start with small changes. One day at a time.

Good luck!

Ah yes, the happy fat! All of us have probably been down that road with you. I noticed on your ticker that you want to lose 40 pounds, but in your post you said that you'd gained 20. So, maybe the first goal should focus on just getting the happy 20 off.

We all can tell you what is -- or worse, what isn't -- working for us. But I truly believe that each person has to find an eating plan that works for them. You didn't say, but figuring out what eating patterns caused the weight gain might be a good first step. For instance, did you binge, just eat more since finding your SO, stop being as active? Then you can concentrate on changing those.

Also, I definitely understand not wanting to become one of your SO's clients. But having someone to provide the emotional support who actually understands that this is as much mental as physical can really help.

Good luck. For me, finding this group has been a godsend. I come here every day regardless of what else is going on.

Congrats on finding "the one"!

For most people it is always going to be challenging to maintain weight loss. Old dietary habits and patterns are deeply embedded in our brains. Using me - as an example -

I started eating primarily fast food around age 12. 2 out of 3 meals a day were usually some form of fast food and I lived this way until I was almost 37. It would be extremely easy to fall back into that pattern of eating.

Congrats on finding your Guy !
I would not feel comfortable either being his client as you called it.
I believe man or woman married or single should decide what 's the right dieting path they take. I would never allow my spouse to determine or oversee my diet.
I believe I'm the one who gained the weight it's up to me to figure out what plan will work for me.
My husband is very supportive but I do not need or want him monitoring me.
There are areas in my life that are completely under my control and I like it that way.
I try to spend our time together discussing other issues..he does'nt care what time I ate my Veggies!
Good Luck , with whatever plan you choose
Roo2

Agreed!! If he taught driver's ed, would you want him to teach you how to drive a car? Probably not!

We can heavily analyze the weight gain, but simply put, it just happens when people are happy together. Not healthy, to be sure, but sometimes being in a relationship is a challenge for the old weight-loss plan.

More importantly, so glad for you for finding 'the one' and being happy!!!

Thanks ya'll.

I'm actually relieved that the general consensus is not to make him my go-to counselor. There was a part of me that was struggling with 'am I being stubborn and passing up an ideal scenario?'

But, ya'll are right, I want him to support me, but not solve all my issues.

I know the p's and q's of all of this, and I know I SERIOUSLY needed the kick in the pants that was bound to happen when I stepped on the scale.

Better to face reality now, than be looking even more weight in the face and having to stare it down.

I understand you not wanting to use his expertise to the point where you feel like his patient... that's good, but I think expressing concerns or worries you have to him and getting some feedback might be helpful.

My husband and I got happy fat together, granted I got a lot bigger and stayed bigger for longer than he did... but honestly I wouldn't give back all the dates and time together that we spent getting 'happy fat'.

Congrats btw!

I remember feeling very inspired by your tight IF window ages ago.

Happy new romance pounds come off easily once you replace "eating everything together" with "making salads and running together," congratulations on finding THE ONE and someone who makes you so happy! Don't feel like "he deserves better" because you put on a bit of temporary weight - also it looks like you're set on this but I would really, really, really advise against hiring him as your counselor in this scenario.

Congrats on finding "the one"! I completely agree with your instincts on not becoming his "client." If it were me, I would feel that it would change the nature of my relationship in a way that I wouldn't want. I mean, you might begin to feel as if your eating patterns were being "monitored" (which is not to imply that he would be doing that, but just that you might feel that way).

A few years ago, I had regained about 45 lbs, and I languished at my fat weight for at least two years because I just did not have the motivation or the mindset to start again. What helped me was trying something completely different from what I had done in the past. So, I tried the 17-day diet for about a week, lost a few pounds, and that encouraged me to start taking care of myself again. I ultimately switched to basic calorie counting with a few tweaks that would fit into my lifestyle/personality, but I really think that trying something new gave me the push I needed. So, trying something new might be something to consider.

Best wishes!

Hi Katydid - congrats on finding the one!

I had a similar situation - I met my guy, and added 20 Ibs on top of the 20 Ibs I had gained years before due to thyroid surgery (and not adapting afterwards properly!).

Now, I am another 15 Ibs above that - we have been together 7 years and are getting married in 2014. He always tells me he loves me just like I am, and never pressures me to lose or feel bad about how I look, but I like you feel like I've cheated him in some way, like he deserves better than this - or, more to the point, he deserves me to be at my best because I always feel like he gives me his best (not just physically, just in general).

The truth is, we can't do it for them, or what we think they deserve. We have to do it for ourselves. Or, as my mentor said about drinking, "you can get sober for someone else, but you stay sober for you."

Same applies for food?

Best of luck - we're all in the boat together!

You know, I would agree with this too. I can't say I 'regret' this past year. Yeah, I would like to not have extra weight, but to change one thing causes a ripple effect of sorts.

In some ways, it's been the best year of my life, but I'm not going to play the food addict's game of heaping retro-guilt upon myself for perceived past failings.

If nothing else, I am a realist, and I made the choices I made yesterday, and I live making the choices I make today.

Hours of regret has never helped me burn the first calorie.


My 5 minutes of fame!!

I am doing it again. It's what works for me, and it's totally natural feeling to me.

VERY TRUE!!!

He and I had a discussion today about recovery, specifically the 12-step program (which they almost all are). We were talking about how 'recovery' has to stand to the forefront of the addicts mind, and in a way, has to even come before family and faith.

Not because it IS bigger than family or faith, but because family and faith are compromised and lost without it. It's the lynch pin of sorts, and many of those that do well initially in recovery (only to fail later) do so, because once the initial issue is resolved (i.e they quit heroin or drinking) they assume that recovery can slip to the back and basically put it on autopilot.

I think that applies to those that lose weight that have underlying issues that caused them to be in that position in the first place. They think because the weight is gone, they are 'fixed'. It doesn't work that way at all. Have to work on root causes, and reasons . . . not just symptoms



*and she politely and daintily steps down from her soap box.

There's a reason the phrase 'fat and happy' exists! Especially in the context of relationships it is easy to default to old patterns, as others have mentioned. Fortunately a little mindfulness and sometimes some good old fashioned determination is all it takes to buckle down and get the happy fat back off, so you can just focus on the happy and not take the weight with it!