I find that the deeper into depression I sink, the more angry and hostile I get. It can be hard for me to kind of 'hold my tongue' so to speak and I find especially if I go out shopping, I'm in a rotten mood when I get home because the other shoppers are being annoying; it's something I probably could overlook if I wasn't totally on edge myself but I'm so freaking raw right now that my fuse is like...a millimeter long. Sometimes I mutter darkly under my breath the whole way home and for quite a while after I get home. Basically I'm in a state of constantly being annoyed.

I also have the 'itchy feet' I get when depressed...basically I want to escape. I keep looking up other cities to live in, looking at real estate online, etc. I know what it is; I want to escape from my life, but I can't because I can't escape from myself.

Life sucks. People laugh when I tell them that smoking 1.5 packs a day is my retirement plan, but why the **** would I want to live to be 100? I don't have a family. I'd rather rot from cancer at 70 than end up in a nursing home at 100, poor and broke and helpless. That's just me though.

I know the feeling. I get very frustrated and angry. I don't know about you but when I'm really working hard on my diet and exercise I find I'm probably even crankier.

I refuse to take the anti-depressants anymore because it just makes it harder to lose weight and sometimes makes me gain weight, which makes me more depressed. So I'm done with that.

I understand wanting to escape. I have family and such so I can't so I can only imagine how hard it is if you don't have anything that forces you to not try and move to a new place and run away from yourself.

Txgeekgirl-

My mother's side of the family suffers from a type of mental disorder where they are angry. All the time. Like, hold a grudge and not speak to you for 3 months of the slightest infraction. My mom started taking Paxil and her anger issues went away. She told my Grandma about it, because my Grandpa had the same issue- he went on AD's and HIS anger also went away. So I think that anger and depression may be rooted in similar issues in the brain. You may find relief using the same type of treatments given to people with standard depression. Personally I react incredibly badly to AD's - I had a terrible reaction to Zoloft when I tried it- so I don't take them and instead practice other things. Good nutrition (since the brain depends on good nutrition even more than the rest of the body), supplementation, adaptogens, regular exercise, trying to get out in the sunlight regularly, prayer, yoga, occasionally hypnosis, and I'm trying to get better at maintaining my real life friendships since I've learned recently how important it really is to have in person connections (I live on the internet and thought that was good enough since I have so many online friends- apparently not). I'm also in the process of going "paleo" on my diet and I'm curious what I might see for neurological effects because many of the success stories I've seen said that when people switch to a whole foods, no grain diet that they see improvements in their depression/anxiety levels.

On your final comment- sweetie, having witnessed several people in my family die of cancer...I wouldn't wish that on anyone. It's a terrible, painful disease. You might want to reconsider your retirement plan. There's more than those two choices. My goal is to be healthy. I don't think I can afford to retire in the US, so probably I will become an expat and move to South America where the cost of living is cheaper.

I'm not quite as bad as the family members you describe; I seethe more than I lash out. I am actually pretty quiet, meek, and passive in person even though I can come across as brusque and rude on online forums. I let people roll right over me and I rarely stand up for myself.

I watched 3 family members die of cancer and my mother is a survivor, so I know what cancer's like. I figure if it gets too bad, I'll employ any number of methods of self-induced euthanasia. I had a friend last year do just that when her terminal cancer got to be too much for her. I miss her but I don't blame her for exiting on her terms, not at all.

I've been an expat before and am looking seriously at attempting to immigrate to Canada. I haven't even been there in over 20 years but christ, it's got to be better than this. A couple of people I knew from high school or previous jobs have already made the move and they LOVE it. I'm from the US originally but I find the culture here to be so cruel and cold, and I'm in the allegedly friendly and 'hospitable' south.

I have a BA and MA in psychology, so I've studied depression and it can manifest as sadness, anger, or even exhaustion.

Even though I already "knew" this, I had to learn it the hard way for myself. I had a very hard time recognizing my own depression, because I thought that with my educational background, I would recognize depression when I experienced it.

Oh boy, was I wrong. For me it wasn't anger or sadness that presented. I'm a naturally optimistic person, and that didn't change. I still felt "happy" I just also felt absolutely exhausted, all of the time. Now some of the exhaustion (maybe even all of it) was being caused by my arthritis, fibromyalgia, autoimmune and other health issues, but it translated into me having absolutely no energy whatsover.

Even though I knew exhaustion "could" be the main symptom of depression, since I had a "more rational" explanation for the exhaustion, I assumed that it couldn't be depression, and I was very reluctant to take antidepressants as a result (because, "I'm not depressed, I'm just tired).

I finally agreed when a doctor told me that she wasn't prescribing the antidepressant for depression but to help me get better sleep. She said the dose was too low to treat depression, even if I had it. (I don't know if this is true, or whether she was just savy enough to know that I was more likely to take the drug if she didn't say it was for depression).

The sleep aid helped so much with my sleep and my energy level that I was much more open (eventually) to taking a second antidepressant for my remaining symptoms.

I still don't like to say that I suffered from depression. I'm not sure I did. But whatever it was that I WAS experiencing was helped tremendously by the antidepressant.

I'd been trying to get my mother to try an antidepressant for decades (ever since I learned about them in college), because of her anger issues, and I think she thought her psychologist daughter was telling her she was crazy.

It wasn't until my younger sister was on them (her depression manifested as both anger and exhaustion/sleepiness), and she saw that they didn't make her a zombie that my mom was willing to try them. She LOVES who she is on the medication.

BTW, in addition to an antidepressant (or instead of it for people who have only mild depression) is high doses of vitamin D (I don't mean super high doses, I mean like 2,000 to 4,000 IU).

"The environment always wins" said some psychologist.

I mostly agree. Our surroundings are one of the most influential factors in our lives, and many people do not recognize it. I recognized it. I am originally from the US, and the last place I lived there, DC/VA, although it's ok for Xmas vacation (to visit family) it is certainly not a place that stimulates me. I know for people with familes/kids there isn't time to worry or complain about the lack of cultural stimulation hehe or other things. But for me, as a single woman, no kids, who loves art in all its forms, architecture, cities, well I am much better off in Europe. Yes, a lot of people do say 'you can never escape your life' and maybe think I am trying to escape from myself, it's a cliche, and if you haven't really experienced something different then you might believe that cliche that stigmatizes those who seek livelihoods abroad. But the simple truth is you can significantly alter your lifestyle depending on where you live.

I could've written the OP. I go from zero to extreme anger in a nano second however I don't know if my anger stems from clinical depression; I have just been through a lot and my patience is completely gone. I have also have a smoking and burbon 401 plan and frequently fantasize about moving but I have a child with my ex so I can't go anywhere.

Life is definitely a rollercoaster.

Just with myself .. frustration actually.

My depression seems to come and go, I noticed 3 weeks ago I was ridiculously happy, then it hit me that I knew an episode of depression was going to follow. I have been avoiding social interaction for the last 2 weeks. I feel bitter, angry, lack energy and am even losing my motivation for weight loss.
I have to hold my tongue even with my children. I just feel like tending to them and hubby is too much for me right now. I don't know how I made it through Xmas and my daughters Xmas eve birthday, just know I was angered by all the mess left over. I feel your pain and hope we feel better soon!

Have you ever seen the movie Fight Club? That's pretty much where I'm at...sort of. I've always been a loner but mostly because I feel like a worthless blob of fat living a mediocre life with no motivation. Then people being all smiley triggers my psycho thoughts (I think about ways to make them just as miserable) and make me want to take up arson.

I've never seriously come close to doing anything crazy, but I have become hostile at times in order to feel something instead of numb.

My dear, you need to recognise that health, happiness, and harmony are much more of a state of the mind than any thing. Your mind has more to do with these three things than what you and even most of us can imagine.

I suggest you start by loudly declaring that you are healthy, happy, and in harmony with all things. This affirmation will greatly assist you in elevating your present energetic circumstances. If you do this, what I call the law of attraction will respond accordingly and you will cease being sad and angry.

My story is very similar to that of yours txgeekgirl.
Until recently I thought I was alone in feeling this way. But there are so many forums with posts similar. So it seems even in my depression and desperation I am not a unique person lol. I am trying to find local groups of people where I live with similar problems to talk with.