Oh lord. Here it goes.

So I have been obese for-EV-er. I have always been a happy person and one who commanded attention, was considered attractive, and had big groups of friends. I thought I was okay with being heavy when I weighed 200... but now I weigh 286, and the only direction the scale is moving is up.

I don't think my weight is going to dramatically change just because I started counting points; I think my weight is tied to something deeper than that.

About a year ago, I had an incident where a family member fondled me while he was drunk, openly, in public. I was 29 years old, and this incident was the straw that broke the camel's back because it came at the end of years of his inappropriate suggesting and drunken passes. I got so angry, I demanded that my family keep him away from me, asked that he be denied an invitation to my wedding, and began- for the first time in my life- counseling for my anger issues.

While I was in counseling, I was asked to explain why this man was so disgusting to me. I told the counselor about all of the sick things he said to me, the way he touched me when no one was looking, and about things he did to me in broad daylight that my parents saw and let happen because they were scared of him. She asked when these assaults began and I told her that it was when I was 26. That led to more talk about self-image, and my relationship with my family... and I told her that I felt like prey for a hungry predator. I weighed 260 lbs, and I still felt like it was open season on my body.

She began to push and asked how long I'd been heavy. I told her my whole life, but when we began to define it, I realized it had really been around the time I was 8 or 9 that I started to get big. She asked me if I knew of anything in my life that occurred during that time that might've traumatized me... and that's when I realized that I had been repressing an assault on me by another man in my family when I was 8.

I think I can look back at those incidents clearly now and say that they've truly sparked my out-of-control weight; I eat to protect myself from the attention of the wrong men. It's worked, too- neither man treats me sexually any more, but I've heard one of them start making the same old predatory comments about my little sister (who is fit).

I've since married a great man, and he loves my body no matter what, but I have to ask where do I go from here? Is what I'm saying making sense? If it is, how do you recover from something like that? It doesn't seem like enough just to know why things are the way they are.

I'm all ears. I'm looking for a way to unleash this baggage and set myself free; any support or suggestion is welcome.

I am so impressed with your courage and determination. I have no advice to give but have wondered about the same thing. It seems like extra weight is a perfect way to protect ourselves from unwanted sexual advances. I am so glad you have a counselor that pushes and supports you and a husband who loves you. I am sorry that you ever had to deal with creeps who didn't see or value who you are. Please keep on working on your own behalf and speaking out and looking for answers. You are an impressive young woman!

I have a friend who got unwanted attention from her brother at the age of 12 and this spiralled her into drastically overeating. She figures if she is obese no man will touch her, and she can protect herself from further incidents.

What you're saying absolutely makes sense to me because I've seen my friend overeat for the same reason.

I can relate to this & I feel your pain. you are very courageous to come forward. I also was touched in the wrong way when I was younger. I too associated my weight with being powerful & in control....packing on my "coat of armor" For some reason I no longer need this weight to feel that way . I can be strong & in control with a sensible weight. It's hard to accept compliments when I'm getting thinner but I'm working on it. I wish the same for you or anyone else with this issue.

Thanks. I appreciate everyone's support and insight.

anytime that's what we're here for

I also have a friend who was sexually assaulted as a child. She was grabbed off her bike and raped in a car by a stranger in broad daylight and abused for a period of years by an older brother. She has been very overweight the entire time I've known her. She told me that she is "safer when she is fatter" I can understand where she is coming from and where you are. It makes sense. Sexual abuse is life altering. I think what you are feeling is common and I am so glad you are going to therapy. Good for you.

I don't know how you recover, I just wanted to let you know that I care and I hope you keep going to therapy to work this out as much as you can. *hugs*

So sorry to hear about your past traumas, but very glad you are seeking counseling!

I can relate, although I was never touched by a family member, I was abused as a young teenager by a man in his 30's for years. It was so traumatizing and I definitely put on weight as a subconcious barrier.

Counseling really helps, and I'm also glad you have a healthy relationship now! Sounds like you are moving forward, which is awesome.

I just posted about this maybe 3 weeks ago? I was molested by my Pastor at the age of 12 and had some other abuse along the way. I honestly forgave the man. He apologized constantly. I was not allowed to tell anyone. I had a blow up with my parents when I was 20 and I finally told them what had happened to me. I refused to push charges because I felt it would get no where and I wanted it to all be over. Well now 10 plus years after everyone found out...I was trying to figure out why I was so angry and why I was having issues with food addiction...hiding and eating.
Well I realized I was not angry at WHAT he did I was angry I was abandoned emotionally. I was left to deal with it all on my own...I was the one that was afraid of every man I came in contact with. I was afraid to ride in a car with a guy to the point I was sick (abuse started in the car) Every time my husband touches my leg a certain way it brings me right back to that time even 20 years later. ITS SOMETHING I HAVE TO LIVE WITH FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. I had no therapy I had nothing but to deal with it on my own.
Once I started addressing the issue and exposing what was going on...the anger has started to go away...the food is less addicting (without me trying) I still have to deal with the "hiding" issue because most things in my life was done with me "hiding" its nature to me...So I know things are changing inside..
.
You must face what happen process through it. You can not just "cut" the stem of the thorn bush down and expect it to go away...cause it wont it will just keep coming back you MUST RIP IT OUT AT THE ROOT!

You have to decide you WILL NOT let the anger, the hurt, the pain, the memories define you anymore. You have to deal with it now instead of leaving it hidden!! Its up to you how you will have to process it...but I am dealing with it now. Its hard and its an every day process. I have to fight it everyday.


I hope it helps....maybe its different for you but this is what I am going thru so that is the only way I know how to help you but using what I am going thru!

God will make ALL THINGS NEW!!!

*hugs* first of all. I don't want to dig deep too much about my life story because that's boring, but I want to tell you, that it's okay IF your weight is tied in to your sexual abuse experience. The abuse is not okay, but whatever negative results that came from that, is understandable. So if it is tied into that, be like, "Well ****. That sucks. Now where do I go from here?"

It is sooo much easier said than done, I understand that more than anything.
I think sexual abuse has the tendency to make the "victims" feel insignificant, or less important. Insecurities boom and when we gain weight, we feel even smaller than we should. Because you know what, we're so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.

As far as eating to gain to unattract men, at the end of the day, you're doing that to yourself and that's not healthy for YOU and I think you know that now that you have a very courageous and level headed state of mind. Men will be men = pigs sometimes, so whether we're overweight or fit or thin, they're still going to act the same.

Also, I am happy you have found a good man who accepts and loves you for who you are. Let that be your motivation; it's a healthy one, because it's for you both and your future.
Don't know if my comment made sense, but, *internethugs* I hope you appreciate! haha.

This is a timely thread for me. My fatness is a byproduct of what happened to me as a child (sexually, phsyically, and mentally abused from ages 5-10 by adopted father. He also abused my mother and brother, but I got the worst. The sudden realization that our relationship was not normal destroyed me and made me very angry).

The only thing that helped me get through my teenage years was my horse. I was a self-mutaltor and I can only imagine how much worse it would have been if I didn't have horses in my life.

Fast forward a year and a half ago, I fall off a horse and broke both elbows (at my highest weight also). Despite it being a total freak accident (and totally high on pain meds) I make an agreement with DH to not ride again until I was in better shape. That came early this year so I started to ride again. DH hated it and pretty much didn't really talk to me for a couple months. So much against my better judgement, I stop riding. Again.

Now I am in the deepest depression that I been in my adult years and I cannot climb out of it. I realized this weekend that food and alcohol are my razors. Without my horse time, I have no control over myself. It is a viscous cycle for me. I do not love myself and it is hard for me to even try if I cannot be who I am.

I am hoping DH will allow me to ride soon - I think I will talk to him this weekend about it. My whole family understand why I need horses (it is the only thing that manages my depression. Therapy does not help) so they are not happy and worried that I am not riding.

So while mine isn't the same as yours, perhaps you can find something that you are passionate about to help you get through it. Try to find something you love to do to help heal yourself.

I feel for you. I used to be a youth leader for my old church. I lead in song and worship and was looked up to by the younger youth. I had made a promise to the Lord that I would save myself for marriage. Long story short I was raped by two men, one of which was my best friend's fiance who also went to my church. I had always had issues with my weight, was afraid to get "fat". I went from bulimic to overweight. Deep down I also felt like if I didn't have a fit body that I would get less attention and have less chance of being targeted for sexual abuse. This happened to me in 2004 and it took me until about 2009 to finally be set free. It isn't a matter of forgiving those who have hurt us in the deepest of ways. It is a matter of forgiving ourselves. That is what I did for years. I was so focused on forgiving those who hurt me, that I didn't realize the real person I had to forgive was myself. Not because I needed forgiveness, I didn't do anything wrong, but it is a normal and natural thing for us to blame ourselves for the abuse. It took me looking in the mirror one day and realizing I didn't like what I saw for me to realize that I blamed myself and that I needed to stop punishing myself by binging and not taking care of myself. When I decided I was not going to be the victim anymore and that I was going to be a survivor, and truely came to the realization that what happened to me was not my fault, I finally felt free. It is the most amazing feeling, you literally feel this huge weight lift off your shoulders. In fact I'm now going to school again and I want to work with troubled youth and victims of sexual assault/abuse. It is not your fault that you were sexually abused. You deserve to be happy and live your life to the fullest. You can't change the past, but you can move forward and have a happy and fulfilling life with your husband. Maya Angelou said, "I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." She is so right. If you ever want someone to talk to feel free to message me. God bless!

How brave of you to start this thread.
I had unwelcome attention from my brother when I was aged 8 and he was 12, I then endured years of sexual and emotional abuse from my stepfather whilst my mother turned a blind eye.
I am totally convinced that it has played a huge part in my weight issues, my mental health problems and the failed relationships I have had over the years ( I am 45).
I saw an excellent therapist and read a wonderful called Living Well Is The Best Revenge which helped enormously.
Then I finally got treatment for my bipolar.
Don't feel you have to deal with this alone. Families are usually pretty rubbish with it as they feel guilt and anger and shame. You do not have to carry this round for your whole life....it is your abusers shame and guilt not yours.
Be nice to yourselves.
God Bless xx

You aren't alone.

I also dealt with sexual abuse as a child. My uncle abused me for years and threatened to kill my family if I told anyone about it. I believed him, so I kept quiet and spent my entire childhood trying to avoid him. I eventually told my mother but not until I was about 12. I did get counseling.

Long story short, I have food issues too. I used to hide food as a kid in my room. My mother would find hershey's wrappers and other foodstuff in my drawers and purses and confront me about it. I used to hide the empty dishes in the attic as a teenager. I was always hungry but never ate a lot in front of others, but would binge when alone. I played sports so luckily it was not apparent to others that it was a big problem.

My senior year of HS, I quit sports and that is when I started gaining weight. College was a food free-for-all for me. I gained probably 50 pounds over the four year period.

My weight has affected my relationships with significant others, my parents, and of course my relationship with myself. Is it linked with abuse as a kid? Probably. In my eyes, I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. I had to take care of everything and I was always on the defensive. The only thing in my life I had 100% control over was food, and that made me feel good/comforted/secure. It's imprinted in me, I think.

Long story short, I am learning to find other ways to comfort myself and make myself feel good WITHOUT food. It's a struggle. Food is a go-to drug for me. I am making progress, but am still under some serious construction.

It's good to know that we're not alone in this.

(((((( hugs ))))))

Count me in the club as well. I was sexually abused from age 2 to 13 by a sibling, then raped 2 times as a young adult. I have ptsd to this day because of them. I have never really felt safe with anyone. I don't really even completely trust my hubby. I think I am this heavy because i thought "if I am bigger than them, they can't make me do anything I don't want to do". I am trying to change my thinking here lately and realize that I am safe with my husband even though it is so very hard not to be scared sometimes. I am trying to keep in mind that they are the ones who should be ashamed and punish themselves for what they did, not me. I couldn't control their actions but I can control mine. If I continue to overeat to hide from everything and punish myself for it, it gives them even more power over me. I think about them everyday, but I doubt they think about me and the lifetime of pain they have caused. I am trying to take back that power. I don't know if this even makes sense but anyway, you are not alone.