This is really long, I apologize, but I wanna get it out of my system.

I wasn't really born with any weight issues. Up until I was 13 I was tiny for my age and weight was never on my mind. But one summer when right before I was going to start grade 7 I went from 120 pounds to 240. Of course everyone noticed and made fun of me. I missed more days of school than I can count because of being bullied so much for being the fat girl.

In grade 8 I decided to change all that and went from 240 to 190. But it wasn't good enough. I went through high school at 170 pounds and still felt like crap.

Well in 2008 I decided to change all that. I started university, had a job I loved, and met my boyfriend of 3 years that I love dearly. I eat better, and excercised more, making me 150 pounds.I was at the best shape I had ever been in awhile. I could wear all the clothes I ever wanted to wear, I had an awesome set of legs on me and a tiny waist that my boyfriend could fit his hands around. I no longer had to feel insecure going outside, and instead of people teasing me about my weight I got smiles. I thought all my years of pain and hardwork paid off.

Well, pan back to 2012. 200 pounds and feeling disgusting. I look at the clothes I used to wear and just cry. I can't even possibly believe I could once fit into the tiny dresses I used to wear back then. I gained weight from ending up at a crappy job that have me no energy to workout and go for walks. I had to save up money to move out so I worked at this crap job and then would go home, stuff my face due to hating my life so much and go to bed. I moved into a crappy neighborhood and never left my apartment. I had debt issues due to having my apartment invested with mold and bedbugs, costing me a lot of money to buy new furniture and move somewhere else. I had school issues and had to drop out due to stress and the financial burden of tuition fees. I couldn't find a job and I felt useles.

I don't want to go outside because I've had guys follow me in a car up a hill where I live making fun of my weight. And people in the mall calling me fat.

Now I look in the mirror and I just hate what I see. I go to a gym now, eat better and I have been losing weight..but really I just think back on how great I used to look and it seems so impossible to have that great body again. I used to wear bikini..looking at me now..I can't even imagine that.

I don't want to start over again, I feel like it's so unfair because I busted my butt to lose weight and then a string of bad luck happened to cause all this. I get angry almost at people I know who eat and eat and only gain 5 pounds at most. I come from a family of skinny people so I think, why can't I just be skinny?

I just have no motivation and I cant stand to look at myself.

I know your feelings.. I have been there. In high school I was a fit 130 pounds. Then I gained weight (up to 185 pounds) as most of us do in the real world sitting at a desk all day and I decided to do something about it. I got down to 150 pounds and was so fit. I ran usually about 30 kms a week and did yoga for another 2 hours a week. I then met my husband and got sidetracked again! So now 2 years later I am the unhealthiest I have ever been! (almost 200 pounds!)Doing a 20 minute workout is hard, and I keep thinking back to the athlete I was and getting down on myself.

I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with depression. I got some medication and that has really helped me gain some perspective on things. I learned a lot of the negative self talk I was doing is actually part of the depression. I also learned that exercise and a balanced diet helps with alleviating the symptoms. I have tried, and stumbled and even literally fallen on my butt at times! But I keep just picking myself up, dusting off and taking it one day at a time. When the day's are hard, I'll break it down to hour by hour if need be!

Another thing I did. I got rid of the old clothes that don't fit and went out and got some new clothes that do. And you know what? I stopped having that morning beat up session with myself over not fitting into things. Now I put on clothes and I feel good about it.. even if I am not at my goal weight!

You are not alone in how you are feeling. I would encourage you to talk to your doctor about how you feel. You may not need medication like I did but even finding out if depression could be causing a lot of your negative thoughts, and motivation issues. I found just knowing that there was a cause to these things, it wasn't me just being "lazy" helped me deal with it so much better. Now I know my head is playing games with me.. lol!

I hope some of this is helpful. I see you are a fellow Canadian, so hello and chin up! You can do it, I know you can! You have before so you're ahead of the game because you know what works already!

I agree with going to a doctor if you haven't.

It is definitely one day at a time and celebrate the small steps!

I'd ditto the dr appt.

A 7th grade gain like that is not usual. And to have to work SO hard to keep it off is not usual either.

Work, sure, but mega struggle? Stop blaming you and internalizing. Get to the bottomw of WHY. If it really is a question of your time management and how you spend it, so be it. But if it's underlying health issues, get that resolved.

I've long struggled with PCOS/IR/hypothyroid and so on. It doesn't make it easier to bear. But knowing WHY it is happening does help me get through it.

Hang in there.
A.

there is some VERY good advice in this thread.
i've been there myself & know how frusteratingly heart-breaking it is.
take comfort in knowing that other people out there have been through this exact same thing and have made it to the other side in one piece.
& you will too!

Thanks everyone for your replies, I really appreciate the words of encouragment and advice. I do suffer from depression, it goes away for a bit (and when I was a healthy weight, I never felt depressed) but then it comes back. I found personally pills didn't work for me in the past, I think I will talk to a doctor though and see if there would be more solutions to my negative feelings.

I think my weight gain is linked with my depression and I deifnitely think if I didn't have so much stress in my life at the moment, was able to get outside more and meet new people I would have an easier time losing the weight.

Also, the weight gain I had was never normal, I remember even thinking that as a teen. I think I really should ask my doctor about this, maybe see if there is something going on with me that caused the weight gain and is making it hard to get it off me.

I decided to toss out some of my clothing that is too small for me. It's pretty much like torturing yourself, which isn't gonna make me drop the 30 pounds any faster.

Again, thanks everyone for replying ! : )

Come on girl, You're still in the game - You have the advantage of having done it before. There are some people who never did and dont know how. Its just a matter of time. Once you set the goal, just attack it and you'll be back there in no time - its not a sprint, its a lifestyle...a way you choose to life your life!

Well, you certainly haven't "lost it all". You still have your health and the ability and knowledge to get back in the game. Play on!

Daughter,

Please know that you are not alone in the constant struggle to maintain your weight loss. There are a lot of outside influences that can affect us in several ways and there are a lot of coping mechanisms that we use - food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.

I would agree with many others here regarding depression. I know you said meds weren't really your cup of tea. Try some alternative remedies - meditation, herbal remedies, (dare I say) exercise.

Here's to wishing you continued support!

Vibrant

Oh, man, I've been there. Overweight AND poor.... It's a tough combo. You can't buy new clothes that fit, and you're so stressed all the time that you want to eat. I managed to make it through a year of unemployment without significant weight gain by doing the following:

I went nuts perfecting my cooking skills, and I splurged on a gym membership and LIVED at the gym. One of the big things you can do to cut expenses is learn to cook healthy food and buy most of your groceries in the form of raw ingredients, not packaged. Packaged food often ends up costing more. Buy lots of vegetables, make salads and curries and stews. Scour the markets for meat on sale. Avoid fish (expensive) and meat that isn't on sale. Also, $40 a month for an any-hour gym membership is well worth it. You can not only get in long periods of exercise and classes to relieve the boredom, but you can also save money indirectly by showering at the gym and spending time out of your apartment--it lowers your water and electricity bills. The gym also (usually) has a sauna and/or hot tub. These can help you feel comforted without having to eat.

Another fun (free) thing to do--if you've got a local Barnes and Noble, go there to read new books for free. (I find libraries don't get enough of my preferred reading in fast enough.) You get out the apartment, once again, and save on electricity. I know you feel trapped; I felt very trapped for that year. However, for the sake of getting a better job, don't become a hermit. It makes you agoraphobic and that can heighten your anxiety during interviews. Try to go somewhere where you're around people, regularly, to keep yourself "open."

I know it's hard, and maybe it doesn't feel like it now, but things will get better. You can get through this. Have you tried going for a cheap, online degree? Maybe it doesn't sound worthwhile, but for $1000 a YEAR my husband is going for his accounting degree through online classes. Once you get through about 2 years' worth of coursework, you can apply for accounting jobs. They're not exciting, but they are stable.

I do the same thing! (Eat for stress) I'm focusing on eating healthy, raw foods, that I prepare. I'm thinking happy thoughts and turning to other habits, such as the computer, or organizing something, to keep my mind off food. I just started too and have decided to focus on One Day At A Time so I won't be overwhelmed!

You are young and you will be able to get where you want to be. Never, ever give up!