"You're fat."
That was it. That was all it took to change how I looked at the mirror and food forever. I had just moved to a new elementary school in the third grade. A slender, normal-weight kid, I had never thought about my appearance or the food I ate- had no concept of weight. Until one day a boy in my class- 2 clicks away these days on Facebook- told me I was fat. I was not upset at the time. It might have been better to get upset. I would have been upset for a short time and then it would have been over. But instead I went home and reflected on what he said. I looked in the mirror with different eyes and asked myself the question. Am I fat? I didn't think so. But if I wasn't, why would he say that? Being an only child, I had no siblings to teach me that teasing is not a big deal- or that people sometimes say mean things that aren't true. So I believed him. And from that point on, my self-image was changed. I believed I was fat. I became fat. By junior high, I was one of the fat kids.
In high school, I didn't want the label anymore, but didn't really know how to change. By my logic, if food was making me fat, the solution was to not eat it. I lost nearly 50 pounds and was told I looked great. I was exhausted from poor nutrition and angry at anyone who wanted to be my friend, because they hadn't wanted to before. I saw everyone as shallow.
When I got to college, my mind was constantly being introduced to new ideologies that continued to make me reflect on who I was. Sociology. I am fat because of my environment. Feminism. I accept my fat because men will love me for who I am on the inside. Psychology. I am fat because of my childhood. Throughout it all, I made excuses for my reality.
And though these constant reevaluations of my self-image, my weight fluctuated more than Oprah's.
Now, for the first time in my life, I've recognized some basic facts and made a decision.
Truth #1: I am currently fat. I'm 206 pounds and in the "Obese" category for my BMI.
Truth #2: Being fat takes away the life I want. For many years, I told myself that being fat was a part of who I was. I liked to eat, that's it. Big deal, right? But it was a very big deal, because being overweight has blocked more of my desires than it ever fulfilled. I avoided running into old friends, didn't want to go swimming for SO many summers. Didn't want to do outdoor activities, which I love more than anything, because of the discomfort of being overweight. And as much as we want to pretend appearance doesn't matter, it really does. You attract fewer friends, clients, you lose confidence-- which often translates to relationship troubles of all kind- jealousy, self-consciousness. In short, you don't live up to your full potential. And for what? Hamburgers?
Truth #3: I am choosing not to be fat anymore. From this day on, my mind is skinny. In the next several months, my body will follow. The mind is the most powerful tool in any person's life. It has the ability to alter your entire reality and existence based on what direction you choose to move it. We stop when we feel uncomfortable, but we don't have to. And in that revelation, there is freedom.
So here goes. My goal, which I WILL achieve, is to lose 66lbs--ideally by my birthday this year on October 16th, 2012. And while I have a goal date, this is a process with no real end. I've lost weight numerous times before only to gain it back plus some. This time I'm in it for the long haul, so slow and steady wins the race.
I am SO looking forward to participating on this site and meeting people with the same desire for change. We can do this! Looking forward to seeing everyone's progress as we go!
