This weekend I got into a looong discussion with my boyfriend. It basically started with him asking what's up with our sex life because I seem disinterested. And it just snowballed from there. I explained to him that I had just been gaining, and gaining, and gaining and my confidence and body image were completely destroyed. It took me years to get to the point where I had ANY and because I couldn't stop gaining weight, I lost it all.

I don't feel sexy, I feel quite disgusting actually, and so I really am completely disinterested in sex and I feel awful about it. It's unfair to him and I've tried making myself want it and be into it, but that.. doesn't work. Well it's not like I'm looking at my watch waiting for us to be done, but I have a really, really hard time getting into it. I thought that losing weight would fix this. I thought I'd start feeling like a person again instead of a sack of skin, fat, and bones. But it's not working yet.

I told my boyfriend that I don't think I look like I've lost any weight and I don't feel any thinner. Which is kind of stupid because I can SEE the difference in pictures, I can SEE the difference on the scale, I can SEE that I'm starting to fit back into my size 13 jeans when just 3 months ago I was wearing a loose size 17. I don't see the difference in the mirror or feel it. So I keep thinking that maybe I just haven't lost enough yet or that my brain hasn't caught up to my body, but my boyfriend is really upset I can't see it and thinks that there's something going on if I don't notice almost 30lbs missing.

Now that we talked, he turned his focus off of the sex and on to the fact that I feel so terribly about myself. Which I am grateful that he isn't bitter about because god knows I've had exes who would have ignored that I'm having a problem and just whined about sex. In talking to him I realized that I think I'm more depressed about this whole thing than I thought I was. It's not only sex I currently want no part of, I can't be bothered to clean the house, I can't be bothered to do my laundry, I can't be bothered to even take a shower (Gross, I know. I manage to force myself 2-3 times a week but that's.. not really an acceptable amount).

I promised him I'd talk to my doctor but I don't even know where to start. What do I say? What could the doctor do? It was hard enough to tell my boyfriend because my poor body image is a thing I actively try to hide and he's my best friend and the most caring person in the world and I am able to tell him everything but that, apparently. How do I get the courage to bring this up to a person that's a complete stranger? Where do I start?

I feel like my body is the only thing I'm really hung up on. I feel like I don't really have the right to complain about it because I'm losing weight and I feel like I should be feeling better about myself but I'm not. The rest of my life is pretty sweet, so I don't know why this has to be a problem. Ugh. It's super frustrating.

I ( and many of us ) have the exact same issue...it is not abnormal ...we all have these body image issues and doesn't make us feel very romantic ... I don't think it is something you have to go to the dr for, I just think you need to work on yourself, not only losing the weight you want but also your self esteem.

Good luck.
Carri

So minus the boyfriend aspect I know how you feel. One of the reasons I don't think I have a boyfriend is the wall that I've put up because I hate how I look. But everything else sounds like me. The lack of motivation (I too am too unmotivated to shower most days) and feeling terrible about myself. Plus I have been diagnosed with bipolar and depression. So it's this cycle of trying to figure out am I depressed because of the illness or am I depressed because I'm overweight?

So have you ever considered therapy? I would recommend starting there. I personally think it's a more welcoming atmosphere than seeing a general doctor. And the doctor may just recommend therapy anyway. I finally started going (even though I've been seeing a psychiatrist for years) and she's starting to help me figure out why I make the decisions I do. And points out how hard I am on myself. She definitely makes it easy to talk about myself. I burst out crying in the first session because I felt so comfortable. I recommend women doctors/therapists because I just think they understand what we're going through better. I'm never comfortable with male doctors/therapists. And sometimes its a hard process if you don't click with the first one that you meet. It's easy to get discouraged. But their job is to help you figure out yourself and give you the tools to make changes in your life.

I do also go to a psychiatrist, but I don't recommend medication if you think you can manage it outside of it. It's so hard to find the right drug and dose and there are tons of side effects. But that's always an option if you feel you need a boost to get out of the funk that you're in. And a therapist can also help you to decide that. A general doctor may put you on something right away and that may not be the right answer. And I'll tell you for me I'm still not on the right medications. At this point she's just trying to get me to a place where I can get a little motivation to start exercising more to lose the weight. But nothing ever works on me. So it can really be a frustrating process.

In the end, of this very long response (sorry), I think that motivation is a very tricky thing to acquire and it's made even worse when we're depressed about our weight. But having someone that you can talk with openly about everything may help you to figure out how to get past what you're going through. And don't worry about opening yourself up to a complete stranger. If it's a good therapist then you'll find it's no trouble at all because they know how to pull it out of you.

Good Luck! I know you'll figure it out.

Have you tried therapy? I know it's extermly difficult talking to strangers, I didn't think I could do it but when my therapist began asking questions I began being able to answer them I even found myself crying at one situation...and I do NOT cry in front of people. Though it was only a few sessions I found that it helped me realize things from a professional perspective instead of a "friends" perspective, or my own perspective. sometimes it's best to talk to a complete stranger who doesn't know you, because they don't put that judgement on you and being professional you learn a few perspectives you probably would have never placed on your own. They also help you figure out why this all started to begin with. Sometimes going back to the beginning is extermely painful, but inorder to move past, the past you need to revisit it and move on. I guess if that makes sense.

If that scares you enough to do it, have you tried to keep a journal? (I also find that's been helping me out a lot recently.) Buy a cute little book and begin writing though it's not talking about it you're at least getting it out there and the things we're too scared to admit even to ourselves writing it down seems to be the safest to keep our darkest secrets hidden.

I know the feeling, the whole package. i'm so sorry you are experiencing this!
what helped me about the showers was planning them. I'm having an actual schedule I wake up, get ready for gym, pick a card with my workout plan, go to the gym and do it, come home, take a shower, eat breakfast. at first i had to force myself, but now i've gotten used to it. having a schedule also helps me being on plan and i feel comfortable knowing what i'll be doing.
as for the sex ... i have no idea. forcing yourself into it is no answer to the problem. doing it when i want to or see that my bf wants it sums up with twice a month. he is very stressed out about his job and his finances, so he doesnt feel a desire either, because he's lways tense. i feel guilty that i'm not good enough as a gf, if i'm not that sexy sex craving beast. but really, i think whan's going to help me most is to let it be. i come first and i must make sure i'm doing all to feel good in everyday life. and if i wont push myself - i hope - my desire for sex will come back eventually.

Go see a doc and get a basic check up to rule out anything physical -- like vitamin deficiencies. Or a thyroid problem.

Then get a referral to a mental health person for therapy if it is depression. Talking it out and perhaps taking some meds to better balance you could help alleviate the whole doldrums thing.

Hang in there!

A.

It sounds like depression to me--the shower thing is a tip off. I'm a chronic depressive and when I"m in a depressive phase, regular showers (together with house cleaning, doing my hair, etc) are among the first things to go.

Aleksandra recommended some really good *strategies* for dealing with yourself when you feel low and miserable and unable to function. I recommend this approach and would suggest that you go to see a therapist who practices cognitive behavioral therapy. Such a therapist will invite you to talk about your feelings and hang ups but also help you to devise strategies to deal with your negative thoughts. Mine really helps (and I also love my anti-depressants!!)

Have you (or Daki) ever tried tantric massage? It's not as complicated as it sounds. It focuses on massage first and foremost, and on displaying your love and devotion through pleasurable touch. It doesn't have to be sexual--you can simply give your partner a massage to relax them. There are strokes which can lead to sexual arrousal, if that's your mood, but the focus is not on racing to or even producing an orgasm. It's on feeling good. It could be as simple as you and your partner giving each other leg/foot massages after a hard day. Set the clock for 15-20 min, play some relaxing music and devote the entire 15-20 min to making your partner feel good. The feeling of closeness doesn't have to come from traditional Western definitions of what sex is.

I'm no doctor but I guess if I was in your shoes I think that part of that self image thing would be a self punishment.

As in, you let yourself gain, and you feel really bad about it...and now you don't want to "feel good" again until you are back down. I sometimes feel like that, I haven't gained a lot back....but enough to make me mad at myself and feel unsexy all over again even though I am not back to that max years ago....

It may be your mental way of keeping the modivation going..not healthy if it is effecting your personal relationships. If you have depression then another issue itself.

I know I feel really unsexy if my bf sees me with my roll hanging over my pants or my belly rolls when I sit down. I'm embarressed to wear a bikini now, but that's all I have.

As far as the sex goes, if he loves you and still want's sex that doesn't mean he's not attracted to you. There is more to sex that looks..he just wants to show you that...maybe keep the lights off or low light for your peace of mind. You need to be even more open about it to him and discuss the process. I am sure he feels even more attracted to you seeing you modivated and on the move downwards in weight.

Try a date night to get away from routine. See what happens!

Being intimate is the ultimate closeness between two people.

Don't get intimate for him, get intimate for you! -- Learn to let go of your hang ups, learn to enjoy your body, and his body. -- So many of us were raised to think sex is dirty.... so sad!!!

Next time, have sex with out having sex....take a bath, light up some candles, let him caress your feet, wash your hair...go in bed and kiss, passionately, have him give you a back massage, leg massage. -- You will see a man who loves you...and you will see yourself relaxing.

Sometimes we feel that we're not on the right track and sometimes we don't want it that way. Sometimes the depression are caused by thinking too much problem. If you're not thinking positive and have no self motivation, it is really hard to keep up.

All you need to do is to maintain the things that you did before. If before you manage to become sexy, why not now? It think you can still manage it. Just stay focus and never be discourage.

I'm on a bit of a different track.

In 2003, my Dh, suffered a massive work injury that put him out of work for 14 months, and then a tough time adjusting to the amputations. Not to mention the 5 surgeries and months of therapy before he ever went back to work.

All the responsibilities fell on me.

Then, it was good. Then he came up with A-fib. An ongoing issue for the last 2 years. Dr.s, ER, therapy, drugs, major heart surgery, drugs, adjust the drugs, etc., We are still doing this.

Due to his condition, even though he is still working, he does nothing else. And we own a farm. So, by the time, I've gone to work, 9 hours a day, and cooked and cleaned and mowed and made arrangements for the haying and talked to all the farming government agencies, and fed the dogs, dealt with insurance adjustor after hail, keep him up on his meds, fixed the fence, ordered new trees for shelter belt, planning for income tax, and so on and so on.

Along with all of this, I'm sticking to WW and my workouts, I'm currently doing the New Rules of Weight Lifting for Women. And my job is not a walk in the park. I work for a veterinarian. And since my granddaughters live from 40 - 80 miles away, I budget time for that too. And during high school football, I keep defensive stats for my sons team, volunteer job. Which I love.

I'm pooped.On the weekends, he gets up, I cook breakfast, he eats, sleeps till lunch, eats, sleeps till supper, eats, watches tv, takes a nap and goes to bed. Rinse and repeat.

It isn't that I don't want to have sex, I'm tired. It's another dang chore! I'd love to enjoy it, if I wasn't so dang pooped.

I'm in there with you! (and so is my bf) seriously, if you work hard all day and have numerous other things going on, you are simly VERY tired, too tired to have sex sometimes. i lay in my bed and fall asleep almost instantly and so does my bf, because he's got a really demanding and stressful job, too.
btw, it's not that i'm complaining because in general, we are extremely close. we know eachother inside out and have gone through so many downs (and some ups, too!) that the love we feel for eachother is enormous. being intimate is also being able to share absolutely all your thoughts and problems with your partner. when i lay down next to him, i look at him and i know he knows that he's my one and only and this moment, vice versa ... well, tantra cant do that, imo

I can definitely relate to everything you have said.

In terms of the body image issue... when I was at my thinnest (7 years ago now-- has it really been that long?), I had lost 60 pounds on WW. I too had issues with seeing myself as "thinner." I recognized that I was wearing a size 2 instead of a 16, but I still remember a day when I was driving with my mother through the downtown area of our city and saw a woman wearing shorts. I thought to myself (cruelly, I know), "she should not be wearing shorts. That's what I look like in shorts, and I know not to wear them." When I mentioned this to my mother, she looked at me as if I had 3 heads and said, "that woman must be 300 pounds. You can't REALLY think that's what you look like, do you?"

Distorted self-image is probably the most difficult hurdle to overcome in weight loss, and it takes time. Just hang in there, and know you're not the only one going through it... the sex stuff, the self-image stuff, everything.

Its just you looking at yourself right? your brain is filling in a lot of information,

Trust me when I was gaining I saw myself as smaller and now I'm losing I still look the same 20 lbs down (I can see the little double chin is gone but probably because it wasn't there long so I was very aware of it)

You should talk to someone about this but most importantly keep going, it might not click for a while, your brain might just see "fat" and is so conditioned to feel bad or not want to look properly it probably just sees a negative image, like youre looking at your body now in the mirror and all you can see if the negative baggage and images of your heavier body.

Just my theory, like when you're sitting in front of a good friend you don't look at their features well because you know them their image is already in your head and its positive so you're looking at them through a lense, the same can be said for looking at someone you don't like your brain see's their image and is just filled with disgust and rage, even if the person looks different or has changed those feelings will still be there.