I'm new to the community, but I've been reading a lot of the threads and it seems that so many of us are experiencing trouble with friends who stick to their old lifestyle, which makes weight loss difficult for us, and friendships really strained.

My best friend is probably 200+ and has a lot of excess fat. I have always been the smaller one of the two, but I realized that I gave myself that as an excuse to stay at the weight that I was and not try to get down to the weight where I would be happy. 3 weeks ago, I seriously started watching what I eat (Slim Fast, although I know so many people are against it, is a fabulous way to realize HOW much you're actually eating. I think for 3 months before that I thought I was on a diet until I started Slim Fast...but that's another thread entirely). I dropped 2 dress sizes and feel awesome.

My friend says she 'doesn't need to lose any weight' (I only suggested to her that we should do a buddy program together...), but at the same time, she tries to squeeze herself into same size clothes as me (which ends with her wearing unzipped dresses which she covers up with sweaters...isn't it just easier to go to a Plus Size store!?!). I feel like she is in denial about her weight. She says she is supportive of me wanting to lose weight, and that I should do it if it will make me feel better. Still, she will bring bags of food to my house which she says are 'healthy snacks' but...nuts and seeds and other things will still make you gain if you go over your caloric intake.

The other day, I had a 'free' lunch...I could have my 600 calorie dinner. She said she is going to get Mexican with a friend but that I "probably shouldn't eat that" since I'm on a diet.

I am so annoyed that she is acting like I am the one that should feel bad about being on a diet, and that she really doesn't have a problem with her weight at all. It bothers me that she easily stuffs herself with 500+ calories worth of smoothies and 'healthy snacks' in one outing and then scalds me for having one 'bad' dinner.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but it sure feels nice to rant. Do any of you have these in-denial friends, who also happen to make you feel bad and sabotage your weight loss?

I hear you. It is hard to deal with changes in relationships as you try to change your lifestyle.

I've had strain on my marriage, with my sister and even with a good friend of mine. Try to focus on the fact that you can only control YOU! People are going to say bad things, criticize and judge you no matter what you do. If you are happy with what you are doing then keep doing it.

Sometimes people think they are being supportive when they do these things and sometimes they feel guilty for not doing it themselves. Hopefully, your hard work will inspire your friend to change but you shouldn't feel bad if it doesn't.

It sounds like she's feeling bad about herself.

I can kind of see things from the other perspective. I have to fight back feelings of intense jealousy with my husband's recent 50lbs weightloss. He started losing weight when I was 7 mos. pregnant and I kind of feel left behind. I am so proud of him and his success is amazing, but I am definitely more aware of my shortcomings (he's never said a bad thing about me...this is all me!)

My point in sharing is that your friend is probably feeling left behind. She may want to lose weight but not know how to go about it. Be patient with her. If this topic is a sticking point in your friendship, maybe you two could agree to not talk about it at all.

When I decided to change my eating habits my BFF said that she needed to do something about her weight so I suggested the buddy system just as you did. Apparently she wasn't as motivated as I was to begin and declined.

She tried once to push a food onto me that I wasn't allowing myself to have so I laughed and called her a diet saboteur...she hasn't done it since.

This is a lifestyle change, but why I am actively trying to loose weight I consider it a diet. If she continues to scold you on your food choices simply tell her that it's ok for you to have Mexican food since you've allotted for it in your daily allowance.

If she doesn't think she needs to lose weight that's fine for her, she may be perfectly comfortable where she is. When she is ready just be there to help her.

I understand your concern about her weight, but as you know, we all must be ready to lose by our own timetable, and no amount of prompting from others will force us be ready. If she wants to squeeze into smaller sizes, why does that matter? As one who has done that, let me tell you that she must feel uncomfortable, but again, until her level of discomfort exceeds her lack of motivation to lose weight, there's little you can do. As for bringing snacks over, maybe she doesn't realize how many calories those "healthy" snacks are---similar to how you say you were before you went on SlimFast.

Sorry, but I don't see a lack of support in what you've described, but again, maybe I'm reading your post wrong. (It's sometimes difficult to convey others' behaviors in writing; in person, people communicate so much via body language and facial expressions). Something you may want to consider is your own change in attitude. I know that in the past, I've tended to get gung-ho about healthy eating when I was eating healthy, and I think I conveyed that to others. From their perspective, though, it can be annoying. Just be supportive of her but also direct about your needs. If she brings over snacks, just straight-up tell her that you appreciate it but that you can't have that temptation around you.

I have a friend EXACTLY like that. Crappy as it sounds, I also kept thinking that as long as I wasn't as big as her, I was doing ok. When I decided to start losing, I tried not to mention it around her in a judgmental way at all, just mentioning that I didn't want to go to X or Y restaurant b/c I was trying to be more careful about calories, etc. She was really weird about it and always tells me now that I just need to be more like her with her "healthy" foods (just a SMALL piece of cake...three times a day...or fish...even though it's battered and fried). I really do think it's about half being uneducated about nutrition and half being self-conscious that I'm smaller than her and dieting and she's not. I think she thinks that foods that her mother would make are healthy, just because they're not processed. What she doesn't realize is that cream and butter and sugar are all calorie-laden, and that's what's making her fat! She told me she's been eating yogurt and granola for breakfast and then she showed me what she'd been doing- TWO cartons of full-fat, full-sugar yogurt (180 cal/each) and a good 1/2 cup (at least) of sugar laden, fatty granola (about 400 cal) topped with fruit. That's an 800 calorie breakfast!! I didn't say anything because she was bragging about how healthy it is.

Sadly, I've kind of had to stop hanging around her as much because it's gotten so annoying. I don't really want to TALK about my diet that much, let alone get advice from someone who knows less than me (that sounds harsher than I mean it).

I think when we've always been bigger, it can be a little jarring for our friends to see us shrink. Weight loss is a hot topic though, so unless someone straight up asks me about my weight loss, I don't say anything. I find that this policy has worked to avoid hurt feelings and feelings of resentment. I'll be completely open to people if they ask (telling them how much I lost, how I did it, etc.) because I know how difficult it is to actually lose the damn weight and want to lose it badly.

In one of my groups of friends, three of us have always been big. Two of us were always roughly the same size, one bigger. My friend and I who were the same size started watching what we ate and lost weight (she started first. It was her losing weight that pushed me to keep going when I first started seeing the scale go down). Now whenever we hang out we talk about our weight loss and healthy foods. I'm sure to the rest of our group we're annoying at this point...but it's so refreshing to have a friend who understands everything that I've been going through (including going broke from buying new clothes). I try to censor myself a little when around my other friends, but it does become hard to do so.

I do feel bad though when we all go clothes shopping. All of us except my one friend who is bigger can fit into the regular clothes. I know how she feels (because that was me not too long ago) so I don't run into the dressing rooms as much as my other friends...but I just love being able to FINALLY shop with my friends that's it's hard for me to resist.

In my other group of friends I was always the biggest. With my weight loss I'm not the smallest (I have a really skinny friend in the group, haha! I'll never be as small as her) but I've certainly moved down the ladder a bit. I don't really sense any resentment in the group thus far and the reaction has been mainly positive from them. Actually the group all wants to lose weight because I was the first to get engaged and they all said I inspired them to slim down since they're all bridesmaids! I don't really mention my weight loss in this group though, since I know that some of them are watching themselves.

Welcome to 3FC. I find that I stay on plan more when I am active on the forum. There's a ton of support and resources from real women (and the stray gent as well) on here who are changing their lives one day/workout at a time. Its a great place to come be inspired, consoled, celebrated, and motivated!


I agree with some other posters...I imagine that since your friend isn't dieting she probably doesn't realize that she isn't being helpful bringing over snacks for you. Good intentions wouldn't give her knowledge of what your plan entails/what foods you're allowed to have.

I also have an extremely overweight friend who is always telling me how shes eating so healthy and can tell she is getting smaller...she is not. But I'm not her personal trainer or her dietician, I'm her friend. I just tell her its awesome that she is being mindful of what she eats and move on. If she ever asked my opinion/advice I'd give it, but she hasn't and it isn't my place. I love her whatever her size.

So when she offers me candy or cookies or cake I politely decline (though she made some awesome tzatziki the other day I was glad to say yes to) because I know she is just being nice and isn't thinking about the fact that I'm counting calories. And really, she has a whole life of her own. My calorie counting is most likely the last thing on her mind, and I don't shove it in her face because I don't want to make her think I'm smug and superior (not implying that is what you are doing at all, btw).

I can only imagine how sad and lonely your weight loss may be making your friend feel. Its easier to be big if you have partner in sedentary crime. Seeing you make real changes in your life may have left her feeling insecure and left out. Is this your problem or your fault? No way. But it could help explain some of her actions/attitudes about your weight loss.

If her comments about what you are eating/not eating bother you, just tell her kindly that you're really trying to make a change in your life for good and that it is a difficult road for you. Tell her that you know that she, as your friend, wants only the best for you and for you to be happy. Ask her to support you in your efforts by simply not judging you and reassure her that she is still the same awesome person she has always been and that you aren't judging her either.

As lin mentioned, I think that a lot of people are honestly misinformed about what it means for a food to be "healthy". Smoothies and nuts seem vaguely healthy, why not bring them over for a snack? They don't understand calories. And to a certain extent, I think this is one of the maladies of our culture... I mean, look at us ! I say these things as one of the formerly misinformed. I bet your friend has no idea that the 500 cal smoothie and 3 handfuls of nuts are about 70% of your daily calories and not your idea of a quick snack.

I also think people who haven't been through it don't fully understand what it means to be on a weight loss journey like this. It's not the glossy magazine version that we are constantly sold on. It's also not something you decide to do one day, eat "diet" food for a while then forget about the second it gets hard. There are ups and downs, you won't be perfect, but it's a huge commitment and one that takes tons of thinking, planning, counting, prepping and sheer determination. I really don't expect a lot of people (besides you Chicks) to "get it".

I don't think your friend is trying to be unsupportive intentionally, but I can see how her actions would be frustrating. You can't be mad at her for not wanting to go on the same journey- if she's not ready to lose weight, that's her business. I would let her know what she can do in the meantime to support you. I've learned (the hard way) that I can't expect people to automatically know what I need from them. Maybe you could ask her to nix the comments or ask her not to bring food to your house or ask her to go on a walk with you instead of going out to eat. Hopefully she'll rise to the occasion .

My suggestion, if you want to consider it, is that you sit down with your friend and say that you think it would be better if you both agree that talking about dieting, weight, food, and so on, is off limits.

She doesn't need to know you're thinking she really needs to lose weight, and you don't need to listen to her trying to guess whether you should eat certain foods or not. Get out of the food conversation--remove it from your relationship. Otherwise, you won't stay friends for much longer.

Jay

Yes, I have a lot of in-denial friends, but none of them make me feel bad or sabotage my weight loss, because only I have the power to do that to myself.

No one can make me feel anything - all my feelings are my own.

Sabotage is a very serious charge, and it doesn't sound like your friend is sabotaging anyone but herself. That's her problem, not yours.

She may be ok with her weight, and that's not anyone's business but her own. She may be misinformed and ignorant of weight loss, but that doesn't make her problems yours unless you choose to take them on.


I don't expect my friends to make my life or my dieting easier - it's not their job. When I saw their mistakes and dumb comments as "sabotage" I gave those mistakes power over me.

I don't agree with my friends about everything. In fact, we disagree quite a lot upon each other's lifestyles, and often we even discuss and even debate our differences. That doesn't mean we're trying to sabotage each other's lives by disagreeing and having different beliefs and priorities.

My husband and I, both working at weight loss, and both having about the same degree of success, but we're on very different journeys. We could very easily call our differences "sabotage" but it's not sabotage, it's just incompatible lifestyle needs. Some of his weightloss friendly-foods are my trigger foods - and vice versa. We have different needs and different prioritites and that's not sabotage. We've learned that we are not sabotaging each other by meeting our own needs.

And your friend's behavior isn't sabotaging you either - you're choosing to let it be sabotaging - you're the saboteur not your friend.

You can choose to surround yourself only with people on your same journey - some people have success with that. Most people don't. There are always going to be people in your life who are on different and even opposing journeys. Their beliefs and priorities do not have to become yours (and yours don't have to become theirs).

If you can't "agree to disagree" (and perhaps even avoid discussing those disagreeing topics) then you may not be able to be friends.

Congrats on your success so far. I understand your friend's perspective because I've been there except maybe not squeezing into smaller sizes. However, you have to accept that not everyone is at your current state of readiness to change their lifestyle. With my BFF, meals out were "our thing," something we did together pretty regularly to get away and chat and when she went "on plan," I guess I felt that we were losing an element of our relationship. It's not an easy situation, but it's not YOUR fault and there's nothing YOU can do, it's something she'll have to reconcile herself to. As I did. Yes, I was still envious for a while but I loved my friend more than I envied her so we worked out.

Vis-a-vis the "health food" gifts, I don't think she's necessarily trying to sabotage you. Read any health or fitness mag or book and you'll see that nuts and seeds ARE actually "healthy" and very nutritious and good for you if you follow serving sizes, and most nutrition experts HIGHLY recommend you have them in your diet. So I don't think her gifting you with them is a sign, she wants to see you fail. Personally, I don't enjoy nuts and seeds enough to expend the calories on them even if they ARE nutritious, but then again I don't claim to have the best nutrition in the world. Just tell her you appreciate the thought but you can't have them around you because they're too tempting.

Re: your registered food police (i.e. your bestie). The nature of life is that once you tell people you're on a plan, they somehow take it as license to watch you like you're an addict, waiting for you to falter or fail so they can point it out. I don't think it's necessarily malicious but I don't know why they do that. I think it's just human nature mixed with some old fashioned passive-aggression. It's kind of why I didn't really disclose that I was on any plan with anyone (even friends) in real life unless they asked and even now I never talk about my plan unless someone asks me specifically about it, because even now that I know how easy it is to become consumed with your plan, I remember how annoying I found it in other people, when I wasn't on this journey. I just generally eat according to my plan, without commenting on it and if I can't find anything to eat (even some grilled protein and veggies) in a given situation, I just stick to water or diet soda and say I'm not really hungry. I want to be able to do what I want to do without unsolicited input from the people around me. Keep on keeping on. Don't be discouraged, things will work out as they're supposed to. Give yourself and your friend's relationship time to adjust.

You guys are all really awesome. Every reply gave me something really insightful. Thank you so much for taking the time.

I think that you are all right that compassion and understanding for my friend is the way to go, and to realize that only I can sabotage myself. It's our weaknesses and cravings that make us eat things we shouldn't...no one else is putting things into our mouths.

It's great to hear your advice and I think I'm really ready to grow in this friendship of mine and adapt it to my new lifestyle.

<3

It can be hard, a friend of mine had me make a diet sheet for her (with local ethnic foods) and then proceeded to tell me how hard it was to follow. However, she constantly harps on how much weight I have lost and she cannot understand why she is not losing.

Unfortunately, we cannot be the conscience or guide for our friends. We can only provide basic info and then hope they wake up and do the rest.

I've only noticed this recently with one of my closest friends. She often mentions that she's been losing weight, and she makes a point to bring up, a couple times a month, that she's a smaller size than me for things like skirts and corsets. She's also about seven inches shorter than me, so I'm not surprised. And I'm pleased for her if she's been losing... except... she looks bigger than ever. And the corsets? She tried mine on for size and boasted that I'd lost so much I might even fit into hers someday. But I'd already put my corset at the size where it would close on me without a struggle, and she had a huge gap left. I'm beginning to worry about her.

She does the boasting about her eating habits too, talking about how she's been eating so well... while having one of the largest steak-and-potatoes dinners I've ever seen. The kind that, if I ate it, would break my calorie budget even if I skipped breakfast and lunch. And I know she eats other meals.

I think maybe I've been a bad influence on her, I make her too self conscious. So I'm trying not to mention my plan around her anymore.