So, as of yesterday, I'm at 290 pounds. As I've determined that my starting weight was around 360--I started my plan at the end of February, but didn't step on the scale until early/mid-April, and that was at 346--this means that I'm officially a third of the way to goal.
I should be elated. I should be thrilled, really; I feel much healthier than I did six months ago. I have a lot more energy, my mood swings--which are legion, and legend--are a lot better. I've gone from a 28-but-sometimes-28s-are-too-tight to a very comfortable 24, and a slightly-snug-but-still-on 22. This weekend, when my cousin came over for dinner at my mom's, he actually blurted out, "you look so thin." That was really awesome.
The thing is, though, I'm not. Running is still pretty much out of the question; I tried it a couple of times last week, only to be rewarded by my first-ever knee twinge, which scares the heck out of me. Clothing shopping, while much easier, still doesn't give me a whole lot of awesome options. I'm solidly in the sequins and foil section at most stores.
And, really, while I can see the difference when I think about it--my knuckles and my elbows and my knees and my ankles are sharper, I have the beginnings of a waist, and my stomach no longer warps light around itself--I still don't think I look good. I mean, obviously I'm still close to three-hundred. And, as much as I adopt a devil-may-care persona online (and especially here!) I get self-conscious. My arms look pretty awful. My stomach still outclasses my breasts (not that my breasts are any slouches, mind you!). I still look pretty awful in a swimsuit.
Fitness hasn't done many favors for my hair, either. It's always back in a ponytail. I get paranoid that it's getting thinner, except for when I let it dry *not* in a ponytail, and I realize that it's still thick and wavy and insulation-y. So while I feel better, I don't feel as though I look better.
And while seventy pounds in six months is impressive, it's only a third of the way. I've got to go through this twice more before I'm at goal, and it feels like it's been ages. I'm not quite sure of how I should get over this malaise, though God knows I will. I just needed to vent.