Hey guys... I really don't know if this is something anyone can help me with but I just need to get it out, sorry it's so long...
I just feel sooo helpless lately, I feel like I'm out of control. I am constantly in a binging mindset, even if I'm not constantly shoving food in my face I am ALWAYS thinking about it, I am craving a million different things ALL THE TIME. I am scared to go to the grocery store because everytime I go it's a huge battle with myself not to buy bags and bags of junk, even if I make a list. I will go and like walk through the bakery section (my biggest weakness) or the snack food aisle and literally be fighting with myself inside my head, thinking "I don't need this" "ooh, but that looks so good..." and almost every time I go I end up with something that's awful for me that I devour in one sitting. I am so disgusted with myself. Today I feel like I have done nothing except for eat, because I've been alone in the apartment all day. I even made myself throw up because I was so disgusted with myself for the amount of crap I ate... I'm not bulimic, I've never done that before, I was just so grossed out by myself.
I feel like I will never be able to lose the weight, not only because of the crap I eat, but also because I find it so difficult to make myself exercise, it is another mental battle that I have with myself, that I almost always lose. Whenever I do go it's because I force myself to get my workout clothes/running shoes on even while I'm having this mental battle, so that eventually I'm ready to go and it's not worth not going.
My mom always says I must not want to lose weight badly enough or I would just do it, but I feel like that can't be true because I want it sooo bad, and I have so many reasons... and I'll go through periods where I do so well and I'm on track and I'll lose a couple pounds but I ultimately end up defeating myself... it's like as soon as I set my mind to losing weight it suddenly becomes a struggle and that's when my mind is consumed with food and stuff.
I am just so sick of this, I feel so defeated and my self image is taking a serious blow. When I was in my teens I wasn't skinny but I was fit, and I have 4 siblings who are all very good looking. I look at myself now and I want to cry at what I've let myself become, and as much as I tell myself I'm not ugly and I am a person who is worth knowing, I don't really believe it. I limit myself so much in social circles lately because deep down I don't really think people want to be friends with someone who looks like me. Whenever I'm with my friends and we meet new people I keep my mouth shut because I feel like they have no interest in talking to me, they are only there for my friends. I don't talk to guys at all, because the type of guy I'm attracted to are fit, healthy guys and I know that those type of guys are attracted to fit, healthy girls (which I don't blame them at all for - if that's what I like how can I blame them for wanting the same?). There are so many activities that I love and so many that I would love to try, that I would never attempt in a million years now because of my weight. On the inside, I am an active, athletic girl who loves to try new things and who loves to do stuff outside, but I feel like who I am has been so STIFLED by the weight I allowed myself to gain.
Thanks if you read all of this, like I said, I just needed to get it out... I feel so helpless and discouraged...