Ok. I'm not proud of this at all but I have to write about it before I eat something else. Or chew something up and spit it out.

A few years ago after losing a pregnancy I realized I had lost quite a bit of weight from morning sickness...I just kept purging. I think back on it now and realize it was just my way of coping with the loss. Purging turned to chewing food and spitting it out because I hated vomit. It didn't last long, I was able to stop without help but it lingers at the back of my mind as a skeleton in my closet.

Here I am now, thinking of all the foods I could eat if I didn't have to count the calories...if I could just spit them out. This morning I was so hungry when I woke up that I ate a tiny blueberry scone. Well, I tried to eat it, and before I swollowed I spit it in the sink. I was shocked at myself. I haven't spit food out for fear of calories in years. My husband caught me once before we were married...he opened my spit cup... Anyway, as I held the half eaten scone in my hand and looked at the food goo in the sink I had to wonder...Am I really going to head down this road again? Why didn't I just grab the mango I have, diced and ready to eat, in the fridge. As I wondered this I finished off the scone the same way I started it.

I felt so gulity that I ended up eating a baked chicken thigh from yesterday's lunch leftovers. I thought that if I ate some protein it would make up for me trying to starve myself by spitting out my food. I'm ok now, I think. I'm just freaked out. I am putting so much pressure on myself to lose weight that maybe it's just too much to handle. I don't know, I'm just freaked out. I haven't been past the pantry or in the kitchen since but as lunch time approaches I hope I can make a healthier choice.

You are not alone. I used to do this in college when I was drinking. I would be drunk, be joking with friends about wanting to eat chocolate but not wanting the calories, so I'd grab whatever candy we had in the apartment, chew it up, and spit it into a brown bag while they were laughing and screaming "ewww!!" (and I was laughing with them because I was wasted and thought my idea was genius). I only did it a few times, but it was enough that I was like, "um, ok, what is going ON?!" It has crossed my mind over the years, too. It seems like an easy fix at times. It's a scary thought, so I feel for you.

Was there something emotional going on right before you ate the scone that caused you to spit it out?

When I was in the hospital for bulimia there were a few people in there with me that did this. This is a form of an eating disorder. I am encouraging you that if this is getting to be a problem to please seek help.

With love and concern.

@ Emme, Now that you mention it I think the emotional trigger may have been my weigh in. I gained 2 pounds since the weekend. I think i just didn't give myself enough time to process the numbers before I started feeling lonely and wanting to give up. Last night I asked my husband to hide the scones and only give me one in my eating window if I really wanted one. This morning I woke up with a whole new outlook. I'm drinking chamomille tea until my window opens at 3:30pm and I feel a bit serene about that. A lot more in control of my behavior that spitting food into a sink.

@justbeu, I appreciate your concern. My mother is a recovered bulimic and I have fought unhealthy urges most of my adult life. At this point I am choosing to actually diet and exercise rather than take the easy way out like I have in the past. I wouldn't consider myself to have had a full blown ED but I know I've been dreadfully close to that door. I am fully aware that C/S is a form of an ED that is why I was so taken aback by my behavior. I will monitor these urges and try to pin point the triggers that cause them. As of today, yesterday is the only episode I've had in over 5 years. I am hoping to keep it that way.

I do it every once in a while. Only a bite or 2 though. When something looks good, and I grab it and take a bite without even thinking.. then reality kicks in..

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A year or so ago, I worked at a chocolate factory. My boss encouraged us to eat the sweets. At first it wasn't a problem. I didn't care I was so fat... of course when I started to try to lose weight, I would catch myself popping a truffle in my mouth. I started vomitting everything up... and thought about my teeth rotting out. Next thing you know, I was just spitting it out in the trash....

I realized that was a problem. I started to use it as motivation to run more, or work out more. "Ok, I ate ONE piece today, that means I have to do an extra 15 minutes on the treadmill." I actually lost weight with that mentality, and it became easier to resist. I didn't want to do an hour on a treadmill to sample 4 pieces...

I think that's a big part of it. The not thinking about it. I think that there is just so much mindless or social eating and we just don't think about it as a choice. I guess that's why I like IF so much. I don't have to worry about the first part of the day and I actually plan the first thing that will be eaten. My trouble is usually an emotional trigger coupled with an impulseive food grab.

The reality of guilt is usaully enough to snap me out of it. I mean It wouldn't have been so bad to eat the scone it was how I ate it that bothered me.

@ kuris, I don't know how you could have the where-with-all to deny yourself a truffle when working with them I would be SOO heavy if I worked at a chocolate factory the made truffles.

Serious kudos to you for your plan, I think that's a great whay to look at bad food choices. It's not quite punishment but its just the thing to keep one from mindlessly popping another piece into their mouth. Thanks

my roommates from college used to do this. I found it to be a very odd behavior, but they did it together and in front of me...then they stopped doing it in front of me and did it in their bedroom together. they used creme filled sandwich cookies (the cheap kind). I think they just wanted to eat without gaining weight, and it makes sense why someone would chew and spit. I think in the long run, this could cause digestive upsets. From a physiological point of view, this is destructive to the stomach because when you chew, your mouth releases enzymes in the saliva to break down starches. This chemcial reaction sets off a chain reaction of other digestive juices to be released in the stomach. However without the food in the stomach the digestive juices just stay there and causes an increase in the pH of your system. A higher pH level can cause ulcers in the long run.

If you are doing this often, it would cause a problem. If it's just once in a while, like the girl who did it because their boss at the chocolate factory encouraged it for the job, or like if you were a "taster" for some food company, don't worry.

However if the behavior is disrupting your life in some way, perhaps you can seek help from someone, a friend, a doctor, or counselor. Weight loss is difficult b/c of the time and effort into exercise and dieting, but eating normal again can be even MORE difficult for someone who has built up fears about gaining weight, and has built up odd eating habits.

It seems like you are aware of this behavior becoming destructive, and you are looking at the road ahead: "should I go this way or that way?" I think you know better for yourself and will choose the right path. Take care, and don't be ashamed of this. It happens to so many people.

I suffered from this a few years ago. When my husband and i were having issues and we were seperated for a while. I was living on my own and I would chew and spit a lot. I was also having major anxiety issues. It got really bad I would buy whole big boxes of granola bars and any other sweets and do this until my jaw was sore!

When my husband and I got back together this eating disorder went away? I know it was a total stress release for me and Im proud to say I havent done this in about 2 years.

It is a eating disorder and I do hope that if it continues and you cant deal with it on your own get help or even if you have someone to talk to about it. I had my sister and best friend to talk to and it helped a lot.

hugs and good luck