Welllll, I haven't been posting, or even lurking around here much. I should. I know that when I am consciously avoiding 3FC, I'm probably not on track. And that was true, I was counting calories so loosely that I don't even know why I was bothering for a few weeks. I shook myself out of the funk, got back on track and immediately dropped 4lbs to get back to my comfort zone. It's been a journey: sometimes a stroll in the park, sometimes a miserable trudge through temptation. But I'm still here and still maintaining.

And I've maintained for over a year. As you can see in my signature, I reached goal weight on June 14th of last year. I can honestly say that I have not stepped outside of my maintenance range by any significant amount for a year! There were a few times when I bounced around in the 123-125 range, and twice I saw 132 on the scale which made me furious. But just twice, and never higher than that. I was never in the "unacceptable" range on either side. I never went more than about two weeks without weighing. I weighed in and recorded my Monday weight every single week. This week it was 127.4lbs, and I'm 126.2lbs today. I honestly have to say that I'm quite pleased with myself. Maintaining has proved to be significantly more challenging than losing (after the initial motivational kick in the butt to start weight loss), so I have to pat myself on the back for reaching the one year mark. A lot happened in this year too. My then-fiance came back from Iraq, I graduated college, I got married, I moved to a new state, struggled with bouts of binges/restriction, my husband and I had to work out some serious issues, we found out he's going to Afghanistan soon, I went on vacations, etc etc. Lots of excitement, lots of stress, and I managed to stay afloat. Sometimes I was comfortably treading water, sometimes I was thrashing around just to keep my head above the waves.

Perhaps the hardest part of maintaining is it's boring. That's a pessimistic word, but it is. Even with a few obstacles, weight loss was thrilling. There was active change and visual transformation. The first few months of maintenance were fun because I was so excited about my new body and living the life of a thin person for the first time. But after awhile, it just gets old. The "new toy" excitement of my thin body has worn off. Just another day of calorie counting. Just another day in the same body. Just another day of desperately wanting to eat pizza/chocolate/cookies/Chinese/etc etc etc, and one more day of fighting off the cravings. I eat delicious satisfying foods and have learned lots of interesting recipes, but not a day goes that I wish I could eat the foods I used to eat. And not just the foods I used to eat, but how I used to eat. I miss eating whatever and whenever and however much I wanted. Not worrying about calories. Not feeling guilty. I know some people who have lost weight lose the desire to eat mass quantities of junk food (or at least they say they do), but not me. If I could eat without gaining weight, I'd eat great volumes of junk food, lol. It's frustrating and unfortunate that I have to fight the urge to binge every single day, but I made the decision that being thin with cravings is a better option than being fat with yummy food. But to be entirely honest, I'm resentful and angry and sad that I can't eat "normally" anymore. Though as I said, living the live with the body that I want, that I always wanted, makes it worth it.

My mantra still is, as it has been from the beginning, one day at a time. I won't promise myself that I'll be 125lbs tomorrow or this time next year or in five years. I also can't take back a binge from the day before. All I can do is control what I do and eat today. That gives me both power and humility and puts the magnitude of my challenge into a perspective that I can accept and manage.

So here's to a year...I pat myself on the back.

Megan-- you deserve a pat on your back! Congrats on your first year of maintenance. I can relate to most of your post especially your paragraph about still wanting to overeat and being resentful that I can't. It is a constant struggle-- and boring-- like you said.

Congratulations! Thanks for sharing your reflections. It's nice to hear honest thoughts about the maitenance life. I can't wait till I am in that boring old place you are! Lol.

Great job!

Congratulations on a year of maintenance!! That's wonderful!!

First, let me say congratulations on making your first year of maintenance!

Second, I can't help but feeling a bit sad for you after reading your post. Partly because I know it IS possible to have all those foods you mention and still maintain and even lose weight. I find it sad that so many folk have this ALL or NOTHING mentality...

Just a question, so please don't get offended, but is there any reason you cannot fit a cookie or a bag of chips into your daily calorie count? How about just going bonkers at some all you can buffet...would one evening of eating to complete satisfaction really destroy a years worth of effort? Would you even gain 1 lb of FAT (not water) from that evening? I ask that because every now and again, I just NEED to go to baskin robbins and get my favorite PINT of icecream and inhale it! AND...I don't call it bingeing or disordered eating, or no clinical name...it's just that I want to feel a FULL belly...I miss that FULL feeling every now and again...and also I miss eating to my heart's content (even if pass out on the couch immediately following). At least I pass out with a smile on my face, wake up, go run 5 miles and forget about it...NEW DAY!

Last but leastly...perhaps it may be worth a try to incorporate a portion controlled "anything you want to eat" night every week. Maybe it will do more to better your relationship with food and remove the constant feeling of deprivation? As long as your eating on plan the rest of the week, you won't gain any fat...so maybe it's worth a try?

Well...anyways...just thought I'd try to make your 2nd and subsequent years a bit more enjoyable!

joyfulloser, I can't answer for the OP, but I do want to say that not everyone can work those foods into their daily plan and stick with it. I know that to you it seems like it should be possible, but it's not--not for everybody. One thing leads to another--maybe not immediately, but eventually. 'Nuff said about that.

mkendrick, on your maintenance success. The middle part of your post, when you talk about how you wish you could still eat like you used to, made me think about a joke I heard a long time ago:

A couple of sober alcoholics are sitting in a restaurant. One of the waitstaff walks by with a big tray filled with drinks--martinis, Irish coffees, scotch & sodas, etc. Both of them watch the tray go by. Then one turns to the other and says, "You know, if I weren't an alcoholic, I'd drink all the time."

(Which is of course what makes that person an alcoholic...)

I have had to realize the hard way that eating the way I would prefer to eat leads to weight gain. Fortunately, I don't want to eat junk food like pizza, fast food crap, etc. But there are plenty of fattening foods that I could really go for, given a chance. I have to be really careful about that. As you say, it's one day at a time.

Jay

Congratulations on one year!

I'm also feeling a little sad for you that you are still missing the old way of eating I wonder why we gain such emotional attachments to these things? What is really so great about stuffing oneself full of pizza and chips? I mean, yes, I did that many times (See start weight) but once I started making that change, I examined how that way of eating made me feel and the answer was it made me feel god-awful! Exhausted, depressed, tired, lethargic. Aside from the momentary pleasure of the taste, even that over-full feeling is pretty awful once you really start to examine it. And I can honestly say, I never want to do it ever again. It was weird- like a weird addiction or something. It has ALL negative consequences and not a single good one. So it does make me feel a little sad for you that you feel like you're missing out on something.

I think we're given this idea that we *should* be able to eat anything we want in any quantity with no consequence. But it is simply not true. Nobody can do that. It's simple cause and effect. But we feel like it's unfair that we can't because all the commercials are showing us that we CAN and SHOULD and DESERVE TO eat all we want. It's so weird how important this becomes in life. And you hear people say things like "A life without pizza is not worth living." REALLY? Pizza is what makes life worth living??? How sad.

Anyway, I'm not sure what my point is, except that it did make me feel a little depressed to imagine waking up every day wishing I could inhale a bag of chips like I used to. I've only been maintaining for a few months, but I'm not experiencing anything like that so I wonder if there isn't a way you can "talk yourself out of it" so to speak.

Either way, congratulations on one year! That means a lot more than losing the weight in the first place, IMO.

I think I need to stay far away from this debate, but I really wanted to say congrats! I know your personal life has been challenging along the way and I'm so impressed with your success. I've always had a soft spot for you, maybe because our journeys are parallel, either way so glad to see we reached the milestone together! Here's to another year!

Thank you for making this post. I'd been wondering how you were doing. I hope other things in your life are going well too.

And I'm with you on the "dammit, I miss NOT GIVING A CRAP about what I eat" thing, but I do think it is ultimately worth it to be thin and healthy.

Congrats Megan!

Megan! So good to hear from you. I've thought about a lot in your absence and wondered how you were doing. Thanks for updating us and don't be a stranger - I've always thought you had a lot to add to discussions, and appreciated hearing your point of view.

Um, YES! Jay, I'd never heard this before but it fits me so well. My "inner 3 year old" constantly wants and wants now, and 99% of the time I talk myself out of it (because, as others have said, the benefits of being at a healthy, happy weight greatly outweigh my desire to eat large amounts of "bad" food) but sometimes I get sick of having to argue with said 3 year old. Why won't she just learn her lesson already?

Thanks for the congrats guys, and it's great to "see" everyone again

I didn't mean to make myself sound like too much of a Downer Debbie. I'm not sad or unhappy, but I am honest with myself. Being honest about own my feelings is the only way I can properly respond to them. Every single day I'm thankful and proud of myself for accomplishing what I have. I feel healthy, I'm confident, for once I truly feel beautiful, I have more energy, I have more pride in myself. And I have truly learned to enjoy the new lifestyle. I've learned to appreciate exercise as stress relief and energizing as opposed to inhumane torture. I have taught myself to cook, and the recipes in my repertoire are interesting and satisfying and eclectic and delicious. I'm certainly not deprived of good food. So yes, life is infinitely better and happier and more fulfilling as a maintainer at goal weight than it ever was when I was eating whatever I wanted and overweight.

But, for the sake of being honest with myself, it would be useless to deny the fact that I miss eating whatever I wanted without abandon. I miss the guilt-free freedom and the instant satisfaction of devouring yummy things. Like with most things, it's easy to remember the "good times" fondly while the heart and mind glosses over the "bad times." That's how I remember my old eating habits. Food was like a bad friend but a loyal friend. And my oldest friend. It was never kind to me, but it was always around when I needed it. If I was bored, happy, sad, it was there, and it temporarily and superficially fulfilled whatever need I was feeling at the moment. But there were always consequences, and we all know those too well. As one might miss a friend who had been around forever, even if they weren't a good friend, that's how I miss food. Over the nearly two years I've been seriously active about weight control I have learned how to fulfill my own needs in appropriate healthy ways without food. And I'm a happier and better person for it. But I can't deny that part of my brain is still, and probably always will be, conditioned to remember that instant delicious satisfaction that eating a pile of junk food used to give me.

And that being said, I DO enjoy my favorite "old" foods from time to time. This is such a tricky subject because everyone's strategies are so vastly different, and it seems to be one of the factors of success or failure in this whole game. I have personally found that it literally makes me feel insane to try to give myself little indulgences everyday. Sure, I could easily add a bag of chips or a small candy bar into my calorie count everyday. I could probably fit in portion-controlled pizza every week. But living like that drives me nuts. Once I have one bite, I want more more more more. I obsess over it. I end up either giving in and bingeing catastrophically or I work myself into an anxious desperate state of trying to avoid going for more. I think it's wonderful that some people can comfortably incorporate little treats into their daily plans. I cannot. Tried it, didn't work. Even weekly "off plan, but on plan" meals...as in, a within reason restaurant meal, is hard for me. My brain is too all or nothing to enjoy that strategy. BUT, and this is definitely a controversial strategy as my method would absolutely not work for most people, I do allow myself regular free for all days. Once a month, usually. I plan ahead, pick a day on the calendar such as a wedding, BBQ, holiday, or whatever else. On that pre-planned day, I eat whatever I want. And you bet your breeches that I take advantage. My free day for this month is tomorrow, actually. We're having a BBQ. I'm bringing strawberry rhubarb crisp, triple berry crisp, two types of cookies, and s'mores brownies. I WILL be sampling them all PLUS having a burger PLUS however many beers I feel is necessary for maximum enjoyment PLUS whatever the **** else I feel like eating. By the end of the day, I'll be full, wishing I didn't eat so much, but I'll be satisfied and good to go for another month. I did this all through weight loss and now all through maintenance, it hasn't slowed me down yet. It rarely even affects the scale too much. I'm able to get right back on plan the next day. The times when I have come close to falling off the wagon have nothing to do with my scheduled free days; I start to stumble when I allow myself to have bites of no-no foods on just a regular day. The absolute worst eating mistake I can make is allow myself to have 3 or 4 Pringles just for a taste and think that I'm going to stop there. It'll turn into a 5,000+ calorie binge in no time.

So I have found a balance (the struggle is keeping the balance sometimes). I'm happy with myself and my body and my lifestyle, but refuse to deny the fact that I have some resentful thoughts. I don't think those thoughts are abnormal or wrong, they just need to be addressed and understood. I do enjoy delicious on plan meals and I have my own unique strategy for allowing myself treats.

Hopefully that gives a bit more of an optimistic impression!

Thanks McKendrick for elaborating further on this. I thought I remembered you'd have a "cheat day" during your WL journey.

Now.....nuff said.

This is very well put. I guess what works for one, may not work for the next.

THIS^^ I ABSOLUTELY LOVE!!!

I obviously misunderstood the context of your post and am happy to see that you are not using food to punish yourself like so many dieters I read about. My post was simply to let you know that you could eat your favorite foods and still maintain/lose weight. However, from your post...it's clear to me that you know that and HAVE found your balance.

My point (and the point of many well respected gurus in the industry), was that no one can live an entire life full of deprivation. It's like a water main that is overtaxed...eventually it WILL give way...and when it does...it will cause MASSIVE DESTRUCTION!

All the best as you venture further into your journey of self-discovery.

Congratulations first and foremost!

After having lost, maintained, regained, lost, maintained, regained and am no re-losing, I think I have a new strategy for maintenance. It includes eating the way I used to. But not all the time. Now, don't get me wrong--I am not and never have been a binge eater, but I do like pizza and pasta and stuff that is very calorie dense.

My plan, once I get back to goal, will be diet Monday through Thursday. Weekends "off." Off being that I will fix those calorie dense meals that I crave. But not fully off because it will only be the weekend. This is how I managed my last maintenance for about 2 years. It was when I went back to the off mode full time that I started to gain again. I know it works as it worked before. Half time on plan and half time off plan more or less. Basically what it meant before was that on the weekends, my weight would shift up about 2 pounds, but then it'd go back down by the next Friday. It sounds a bit yo-yo-ish, but it was working and I assume it will work again.

I'm glad you found your balance!

My Gosh Megan, I swear we are twins ripped apart at birth...(oh, except I'm a good 20 years older than you...lol)

First off, congratulations on your one year anniversary. You have gone where very few people have gone before. It's really an honor to be apart of that 2-5%

I wish I could tell you that year 2 will be easier, and that those urges, and desires and will magically disappear, but I'd only be kidding myself. Like you, one bite is to much (most of the time). I can't eat like Joyfuloser. I simpily can't incorporate 2 choclate chip cookies into my lunch and be satisfied. Trust me, I've tried for at least 30 years of yo-yo dieting...(I'm 45). I.CAN'T.STOP. and I've finally learned my lesson. So I'm best to avoid getting started on junk food...most of the time.

Anyway, Congrats and know you are not alone.