This has been going on for some time, that my very large, life time yo-yo-dieter aunt feels a comradery with my husband because he is obese. (He was a healthy weight when we married, but he has gained over 100 lbs since). My husband, while unhappy with his weight, does not think about it often. He has spent most of his life as the "skinny guy" and I think in his mind's eye, he's still skinny. (That's a whole other thread) Anyway...

My aunt all too frequently makes references to her and my husband like they are the two fat people. (most of my family is a healthy weight) But the frustrating part is that my aunt is MUCH bigger than my husband, and its annoying and rude that she acts like they are the same size. I guess she does not realize that SHE is much bigger that he is, but the comments are getting annoying, but we don't want to say to her, "You know my husband is not as big as you!" (My husband is 6'4", so he is a big guy, but not as wide as he would be were he like a foot shorter)

Before we left for vacation, my aunt told me that my husband might not fit in the airline seat and that he would probably have to ask for a seatbelt extender and that she understood because they (her and my husband) are both larger people.... All I said was, "My husband has lost about 30 lbs (which he has) and I don't think it will be a problem".

Well, my husband did not need an extender, at all. Not that I would have cared is he did, but I just want to tell my aunt he didn't and that he's not as big as her!! So STOP comparing!!!!!! Its starting to offend him and me!

Ok, so have you ever had anyone bigger compare themselves to you or someone else that's NOT as big? What do you do? Do you say something? Or just let it go on? I can't see anyway of handling this that won't hurt my aunt's feelings, which I don't want to do.

She is making herself feel better about her weight by comparing herself with your husband. Even though it is not true in her minds eye she thinks it is. I would chalk it up to ignorance, or false beliefs, You and your husband know the truth, try and ignore her comments.

Yep, I had my aunt who was 40 pounds over me, when I was at my highest 180 tell me I've gotten fat...I was like excuse me? Have you looked at yourself lately? A lot of fat people compare and degrade other fat people even if they are smaller then them because they DO see they are fatter, but have the need to put other's down because of the way they feel about themselves. It's pathetic really.

She probably doesn't even realize she's doing it in a rude way. It doesn't sound like she's making snide comments in order to put him down.

With the seatbelt extender example: It sounds like she was just throwing out and FYI so that if he did need an extender he wouldn't be surprised or anything.

She might be feeling out of place with no one else to connect to on this matter in the family and so is making small comparisons so that she has someone else to commiserate with (even if the comparison is not a very good one.)

I guess I'd commiserate back with her...in a way...with a "but" after each sentence.

"Yes, Auntie X, that can be so annoying and embarrassing. Believe me, I remember! But, he/I/we are already being healthier, so hopefully it won't be a problem in the future."

Best of luck. Family can be the trickiest to deal with sometimes!

I've been on both sides of this, and I don't really care if someone 200 lbs heavier than me or someone 200 lbs lighter than me implies that we have "fat" in common.

I understand thinking you're smaller than you are. I understand wanting to talk to someone about not being average sized, and identifying with people who have weight issues even if they don't happen to have quite the same weight issue as I do. We are "kind of" alike, and I don't feel the need to prove I'm bigger or smaller than anyone. If they think they're like me, that's their issue, not mine, and I don't feel the need to burst their bubble.

For me it's the opposite that drives me nuts. I can't acknowledge having weight issues in common with anyone, even if they clearly outweigh me by at least 200 lbs, because we're all supposed to pretend we can't see fat (unless we say it behind a fatter person's back).

I'm also sick of people bad mouthing fat people in my presence and justifying it by saing "(s)he is so much bigger than you," as if that makes it ok. And what really makes me mad is that half the time, the person isn't bigger than me. It's just acceptable to fat-bash if you tell the fat people you're with that it's ok because they're not "that fat." As if it's ok to bash anyone with any extra insulation.

I once asked a woman (definitely taller, and I'm pretty sure wider than me) where she shopped, because her clothes were absolutely beautiful. She was outrageously insulted, apparently because I "assumed" we were the same size (or at least close enough to shop in the same store).

It seems there's no way to polite way to say "we" when it comes to size and weight. Which is sad, because so many of us really need to be part of a "we." Here (at 3FC) is one of the few places it can be done, and even then you risk stepping on toes and hurting feelings if you ever include anyone in a "we" to which they don't feel they belong (or think you're supposed to treat them as if they don't belong until THEY say they belong).

I've had that. In college (I was about 155lbs so right at the high end of a healthy BMI but I was very active in sports so I was pretty fit in general) I guess I had really cool clothes and twice I've had roommates that insisted on wearing those clothes (many times without my permission ). Anyway, I had this one sweater that was pretty big on me and stretched a lot so they'd always put that one on (because it was the only one that fit them!) and would then go around bragging how they could use my clothes. Of course, the sweater got seriously stretched out and I could never wear it again.

Another time I had gained a few pounds so maybe was about 5-10lbs overweight at most and one family member chose to point that out to me and went on a rant about how my clothes were too tight. Yay, that made me feel wonderful (that family member happened to be morbidly obese).

I get people make comparisons in there head but those should STAY IN THEIR HEADS!!

See, I totally get what you're saying. I think what bothers me is when someone is obsessive or an insult is implied (like with the OP's aunt insisting that her DH will need an extension or like what I experience with someone calling me out on a small weight gain when they were morbidly obese).

I actually almost wanted to ask a guy once too where he shopped. DH is both tall and overweight and the guy was too and was dressed really nicely and we've just recently moved to this area and don't know of any big and tall stores. But I figured if I asked he'd a.) either be insulted or b.) think I was hitting on him so I didn't ask and I still don't know of any big and tall stores around here for guys.

I think it's just wrong when people point out that your gaining weight. It's not like you don't know you are they are just being ignorant. I say just ignore and don't worry about it

Ah, yes. I've been in a situation where someone I perceived to be bigger than me lumped us together in a "you and I" situation. It shocked me! I was probably around 160 pounds at the time, and I didn't see myself as being the same size as her. I mean, yeah, I was overweight, but not to the same degree as she was.

I didn't say anything to her, but I was put out.

I guess I don't mind people doing it as long as they're not being rude to me. I would rather be a person someone can connect with, really. I've always been a person that included other people, and I'm not in an elite class of my own. If someone thinks that they are the same size/smaller even if they aren't, or commisserate over weight woes, they've got me and I don't mind a bit.

Yes, this!

To me it sounds like your Aunt is trying to connect with your DH because fat is something they have in common, even if it is to different degrees; I don't think that by noticing his extra weight she is implying that it's just the same as hers.

Seems there's really nothing my husband can do about it. Its something that annoys him, as he does not define his daily activities and living by his weight, unlike my aunt who talks about it endlessly. Its hard to explain, but its done in a way that she is reminding him that he's fat, just in case he were to forget. I love my aunt but she has a lot of issues with putting others down, so I think its where it is coming from that is so bothersome.

OMG! Yes! I worked with a lady who was always trying to push "plus size" clothing on me. She'd tell me about how she went to Ashely Stewart and she found so much stuff and she asked me, do you ever go there? I simply replied "no, I can't fit anything there" She did the same thing with Lane Bryant, asking me how I liked their clothes... Ugh, it just made me angry. I shop at Forever 21, Bebe, Cache and stores like that, with no problem, and she knew that. I kind of just think she was picking at me.

I think the problem is poor weight perception - I'm not sure if that's an actual term for it, but I am the worst at estimating anyone's size/weight. I can't even see any difference in the mirror from where I was to where I am.

I think that you should ask your husband if he'd like for you to put an end to it, since it's your aunt. If it really bothers him and he wants you to put an end to it, you may take her aside and ask her to please stop making weight-related comments in front of him. Tell her that he's the type of guy that isn't interested in this subject and that she should just keep it to a woman to woman conversation. If she persists, tell her that you will limit your interactions with her. If the situation was reversed and your husband's uncle was making comments about you in some way that you'd find offensive, you would most likely want your husband to protect you too....at least that's how I would feel.....unless it didn't make much of a difference to him or to you...then you could just change the subject every time she brings it up and maybe she's eventually get the hint.