Hello all,

About a month ago, my boyfriend of three years broke up with me. He broke up with me on the night that some guy beat me up and tried to kidnap me. I called my ex from the police station and told him I was getting a ride home, but I just wanted to make sure he was there because I didn't want to be by myself. Well, he ended up choosing his friends and video games over being there for me. He told me over the phone that we weren't going to work and that he was be moving his stuff out. Nice.

Ever since then, my motivation has been down the drain. I want to lose weight and show up my new (and single) body. I wasn't just losing weight for him. But I'm sad all the time. Even though I know he's a jerk. He was abusive at times... I still love him. He was my first boyfriend and the only person I've had sex with. On top of all that, I had to move out of the apartment we shared, can't get off the lease, so I still have to pay my part. Grr...

I'm trying not to eat myself into a bigger depression or gain back the weight I've lost but I've always had compulsive and emotional eating issues. I've never been through a break up before. Does anyone have any tips on gaining control of my eating? Or is there some food I could stock up on that maybe isn't as bad as chocolate and ice cream?

Sorry for the rant. It's just been building up for a while now.

Thanks for listening.
Sam

First step is to realise how much of a jerk (to put it lightly) he was. A guy that does that after you're attacked and was abusive in any way is NOT a guy who's worth it. I know it's hard (I'm still struggling to get past my abusive ex fiance because he was my first true love). I can understand it's difficult especially since he was your first but better will come.

I have horrible issues with compulsive and emotional eating too but lately I've been keeping pictures and inspirational pictures and quotes near me that I can look to when I'm feeling weak. When I do break down and eat I also try to make myself choose healthier snacks. For example last night I was depressed and REALLY REALLY wanted fettucini alfredo but had a small bowl of lite cottage cheese with some seasonings in it (and it actually worked! lol I was surprised). Having healthier snacks and trying to keep junk/binge foods out can help a lot.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm so sorry you've had to go through what you have. It takes a lot of time and effort to work through things like that so don't worry about rushing, take all the time you need. We're all here for you!

Oh my gosh, you've been through some very tramatic events. Have you sought out counseling? I can't imagine being beaten and almost kidnapped, and then broken up with

Just take one day at a time. Have all your meals planned out each day. If you get sad and angry, use that energy to workout, play a sport, or go for a walk. Try not to eat your feelings.

I'm very sorry for all you've been through.

Music is a huge mood-booster for me, and very cathartic. I made a mix cd with a whole bunch of angry-chick type songs (it even has I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar on it hahaha) and when I feel unmotivated or a bit bummed I put it on and sing/scream out the words and dance around the house, or I put it on when I clean and I end up cleaning furiously with all the energy from the music.
It sounds a bit dorky, but hey - you are single now and one of the awesome things about being single is that you can clean the house in your underwear while listening to We're Not Gonna Take It and NOBODY is there to smirk at you.

What a bad day! I do feel for you.

That said, I'm so NOT a 20 something, I have kids older than you. So, Sweetie, you need to grow a big ole set of balls!

YOU DESERVE BETTER THAN THAT!

Take a couple of deep breaths, and Chalk this up to a life experience, learn from it and move on. There are better options out there.

I would also recommend getting some counseling. That was a very traumatic event, and you need someone outside to help you put this all into perspective, and to help to keep this from haunting you the rest of your life.

First of all, let me drop some legal knowledge on you: why are you paying your part of the rent if you're not living there? Is he living there still? Then he needs to pay the whole rent or you are legally allowed to move back in...I would force him out...there is no reason for you to still be paying for an apartment you still live in...I've got some unlawful detainer experience (that's rent and eviction law) and if you need help on breaking the lease or anything, PM me...

Now, on to the heartbreak...I can sit here and say, "what a jerk!" "Oh my god, you're better off without him!" but I know how it is to feel you're in love, but the first step is to realize this isn't love, love isn't hurtful or deceitful or abusive, so what you two had, is not love. Every time you start thinking of him and missing him, keep telling yourself that. I can't say when it will get better, but it will...I promise.

Now on to the exercise, I would seriously recommend a self-defense class: boxing or kickboxing or karate...a few years ago, I was held up with a friend and it just rocked my world, but me and my friend (who to this day is one of my best friends) took some boxing classes, not only was it amazing exercise (I mean, boxing is just an awesome, full-body workout) but I felt less scared, I took some of my power back, I wasn't so scared anymore...it helped me. I fully recommend you take a defensive class, it will serve 2 purposes and you will feel better.

As far as that jacka$$ is concerned...don't give him anymore of your time or energy, focus it on getting through this next phase of life, bigger and better things are ahead for you...

Oh, love! I'm so sorry. That sounds absolutely terrible. Big hugs!!

I was in a similar situation about a year ago. I had been with my first (and so far, only) boyfriend for a year and a half, and things went downhill the last six months of our relationship. He told me I was "too fat" and wasn't attracted to me anymore (granted, I jumped from 267 to 323 while I was with him, but I was still pretty heavy when he thought I was "beautiful"). Those last six months, sex was all about him getting off--he told me he didn't even want to look at me. He, too, was violent and had issues dealing with anger/rage. Looking back at all of this now, I can't believe I stayed as long as I did! I convinced myself he was stressed from school and once he graduated he would go back to the amazing guy he was in the beginning. WRONG! Still, I tried my hardest to stay with him and begged not to break up, because I still felt like I loved and cared about him and wanted to be with him. (I can't even believe I'm saying this now! XD) The final straw was him cheating on me with my roommate/"friend," and I finally ended it.

Losing a first love is HARD. SOOO hard! Definitely some of the worst emotional pain I've experienced in my near-21 years of existence. But guess what? It gets better. Everyone will tell you this, because it DOES!

For me, I didn't feel like I was out of love with my ex until after I cut him completely out of my life (blocking him on Facebook, ceasing all communication, deleting e-mails/texts, etc), which took about about 4 months. It was a slow process for a few reasons, but mainly because I was reluctant to come to terms with the fact that he didn't love me anymore. Once I got over that, I was able to move on more quickly.

Eventually I realized that time, surrounding yourself with people who love you unconditionally, and focusing on bettering yourself make the process a lot easier to handle. As others have mentioned, though, it sounds like seeing someone would help, especially with your more traumatic circumstances. (I have depression and have had therapists before, and it helped me.)

As far as the food/eating habits go, well...surprisingly, after I broke up with my ex I lost weight, which NEVER happens! (I have used food to cope with stress/emotional problems since I was 9.) I was at my heaviest and determined to make positive changes, so I decided to focus on bettering myself--e.g., losing weight. Yes, I was sad most of the time, yes, I had my off days, but I kept chugging along. I saw people and did things I knew would make me feel better; I did anything I could to avoid binging. I also stopped buying the things I knew I would go out of control with, like chips and ice cream.

Keep hanging in there. You deserve the best and he was NOT right for you at all! Start letting go. It hurts a lot at first, but it trust me, it gets better. <3

When I went through my break up, I used my hurt and pain and anger for working out! I have to say the break up was the best thing to have happened to me because thats when I started my weightloss journey to a better me. I'd go to work, come home and workout pretty much every day. It kept me busy and feeling good about myself. Seriously this guy isn't worth you gaining even a pound over him. Yes losing someone you love sucks, but in reality sh!tty things leave our lives so better things can come into it. He was a douche, you're hurting yet he doesn't even deserve you thinking one more second about him. (easier said then done, but start working out, and start keeping busy and get your *** in gear.)

Allllllll of this is what I was going to say, lol. And you need a .

Also: Unfortunately, life will eventually suck more than that one day... but by going through this, you will have learned to deal with the sucky times. It will make you stronger. Promise.

I generally was only "sad" for a few days after a bad breakup. Those guys are not worth our time, nor the time we pay them when we grieve the breakup. Do you miss HIM or do you miss having a boyfriend? Because if he was abusive and a user, he isn't worth missing. Screw him.

Use all the energy that you are directing in to being upset about breaking up with this loser to work out and be SO MUCH MORE AWESOME without him. You are better than that, treat yourself like it! F him! HA! Get mad and run a little farther to prove him wrong!!

I normally use the negativity around me to prove people wrong. It motivates me harder to become a better version of myself. I'm sorry that this has happened to you but hopefully you can use it to FUEL your motivation to commit

Wow. *hugs*
I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am totally an emotional eater too.

I have never really been through a bad break up. I mean I have, but nothing like this. I can't offer a lot of advice but I have one suggestion that worked for me in the past...

What about taking it out on your hair? Getting some cool new crazy hair style? I dunno why, but that made me feel better!

Thanks everyone for the comments. I'm trying to use this as my motivation.

Unfortunately, this is not the saddest of my sad days. I was raped and stabbed when I was eighteen and only five months after that, my older brother died. After those two big events, I gained most of my weight.

But I have been living at the gym pretty much for the past couple days. Hopefully this will be the event that changes everything for the good.

I'm going to stock up on yogurt. Last time that I lost a bunch of weight, it was when my only snack was yogurt.

And thanks for the . Even though they're just over the internet, it's nice to know that people care.

Sam