So I finally hit rock bottom. Last night after 3 days of non-stop binging that followed about 2 weeks of over-restricting, I realized that I am not getting any better. I haven't had a binge as bad as last night in a few months at least, so I guess I thought that because I've been exercising and because I have made some other changes to my eating habits during this weight loss process (eating clean not just loading up on "diet" versions of foods) and because I have stopped that all or nothing mentality....well, I thought maybe I had found a way to stop the binges and over restricting.

But I haven't. It all just played out the same. Last night, I ate so much I was physically uncomfortable. I felt like I was going to be sick because of how disgustingly full I was. I realized this wasn't just a matter of going of a diet and eating unhealthy...It was so much more than that.

I'm done. I'm exhausted. I have been doing this for 14 years. (I counted from the first time I rememeber being on a diet, which of course turned into over restricting....then binging. I can't do this the rest of my life. And I obviously cant beat it myself.

I am seeing a therapist for other things, that truthfully probably contribute to my issues that effect my issues with food, but I'm going to be asking her about addressing this. I don't know how much one on one counciling I need since I'm aware of the emotional issues and anxiety behind this. But I have also looked into some eating disorder clinics/ groups ect in my area. Ones run by professionals (not just community organized groups) and I will be calling some during the up coming week. I'm a little worried because there seem to be none within a reasonable driving distance. (like 30 minutes) I have 2 kids and my husband works so I have schedules to work around and driving an hour to a meeting or clinic...well, I'm going to make all the phone calls and I'll see where I'm at. I'm not going to rule anything out at this point.

I just wish I had done this 5 years ago when I didnt have kids, so I could really go anywhere for as long as I needed. If I had the insight to get help before I had kids, I would have checked myself into an inpatient program. I guess I was so used to living this way that I just didnt see that I was sick.

This is sick and unhealthy. Its not a normal way of eating. Over restricting for weeks. Obsessing over every calorie. If I touch a hotdog while cutting it up for my kids, I will not lick my fingers or touch my food until I was my hands because I am worried about the calories in the greesiness on my fingers!! As if the residue on my fingers would have calories that could ruin my weightloss efforts...
Then binging. Eating eating eating everything. As much as I can. Not letting my poor body even digest the previous meal, just piling on another as soon as my stomach isnt sickly full. I go days without even felling hunger because I just constantly eat.
This is not normal, and it needs to stop. I think because I haven't known anything else in the way of eating, I had become complacent in it. Kind of like "well that's just how I am"...I don't want to be saying that another 14 years from now.

Anyway, Just wanted to share this here. Wish me luck. Hopefully I will find what I'm looking for.

Good luck there alot of members here that will be with you through your journey. We are all here because of some type of food issues - you are not alone!

this kind of happened to me fall 2009, i just couldnt take the cycle anymore and i sought ED-specialized therapy (i was bulimic too, it was bad) but it really really helped and in a few months it got me to a place where i could just exist and eventually diet without being unhealthy and ive been much happier since. youre making a really good decision, congrats and good luck!

I'm so glad you're doing this.

I, too, made a decision similar to yours, years ago, and felt such a sense of relief. It was a lot of hard work, in the counselor's office & outside, but it's one of the most worthwhile things I've ever done & one of the best things I've ever spent my money on.

But I must admit, I am confused by your current counselor not addressing your binges in your sessions. Have you made that person aware of the severity of the problem? Or was it something you both decided not to pursue for some reason? Did that counselor tell you that you needed a specialist in that area instead?

I would probably not go to two counselors for therapy at the same time -- but that's just me, with my frugal tendency of keeping an eye on the coins dropping into the meter every week. I would use one person who knows a lot about eating disorders but isn't focused completely on behaviors -- someone who sees you holistically & the eating disorder as just one manifestation of whatever your own personal demons may be, but has battled that demon with other patients previously.

I wish you the best.

Thank you all for your support. This website has been saving grace for me.
Goodday, was it one on one therapy? Or group? I feel like one on one therapy wouldnt help for some reason, even though I'm in therapy for other reasons and feel it helps that.
Saef, you asked a great question. I don't think I made it clear to my therapist, the severity of this. I mentioned to her once that I am an emotional eater, and I do tend to over eat. I think I down played it a lot. I don't remember if I told her about the over restricting (like 500 cals a day) or how much of a force this is in my life. She mentioned the South Beach diet as a good guide for eating, and that carbs and sugar may be contributing to this. I told her why I eat (the emotions behind it) and she said it sounded like I was already aware of the under lying causes. I kind of got the feeling that there wasn't anything else she could do for me since I knew why I was binging.
I guess I also feel like the therapist has a mountain a mile high to work through, and this is just piling on the poo, if you get what I mean.
And the ED stuff does give less or moe stress depending. If I'm in a super restrictive phase, I feel kind of euphoric so I'm less likely to seek help. If I'm in a binge recovery phase, when I'm eating healthy, but haven't started restricting yet, I don't feel like I need help at all. Usually the lowest point is during the days I binge. But even tonight I feel like I might be coming off a several day binge. I see my therapist in a few days, and its possible that by then, if I dont binge for the next few days, workout and haven't begun restricting, that my food issues will not seem so urgent by then.
Am I making sense?

This week I'm going to tell her just that. And I'm going to make some calls to places that speciaized in ED. I'd rather not see 2 therapists either. But I also want to continue to work on the life issues being addressed with my therapist. I dont want to put them on hold to focus soley on the ED. I imagine the two are more interconnected than I realize.

Good luck. Seeing 2 therapists can be helpful. Kind of like you'd see you PCP for general health issues, and you'd get a referral to a specialist for a specialized issue. Eating disorders are a specialized issue, and it sounds like your current therapist isn't picking up on it.

Get the care you need. And remember that even if it means a little more time away from your family now, you will be a much better mother and wife (and person) if you get help.

it was one on one therapy...group was offered but the other people at the clinic werent really on the same page as me...they were kind of like high school drop outs and i was a high functioning student at a top 10 university headed for the #1 grad school in my field...i felt like i couldnt relate to them and my therapist agreed so i worked with her and a nutritionist one on one, once a week each. if you feel like group would work better for you though i encourage you to seek it out, just be as honest as possible with yourself about your needs and your wants. you'll get past this if you work at it, i promise

The thing I learned about therapy is that it worked best for me when I really worked it. Whatever person I was seeing. That is, I made the most progress when I showed up at the office & sat down in my session & said, "I am not fully functional this week because ... " And so when I started seeing my therapist, we did the equivalent of triage for a long time, working on how to make me functional enough to get through the week, which meant addressing the bingeing behavior, which was both a manifestation of my depression (in a sneaky way) but also contributing to it by virtue of its cyclical nature & the self-castigating lows that I dropped into after disappointing myself with another binge. But we didn't just talk about my behaviors. Dealing with the bingeing & over-restricting behaviors was a way for us to get in deeper & get closer to bigger things in my life -- the larger, over-aching themes that informed my personality. The eating disorder was not the big thing; it was an acting-out or a metaphor if you will, for the things behind it.

But it depended on me getting into that office every week -- well, every four or five days, in the beginning -- & offering it all up. Yes, that's how I thought of it: I had to offer it all up, honestly, like a confessional, even if it was personally humiliating & seemed to leave me with not a shred of privacy & even if the therapist thought of me as a really sick, really "bad" person.

It took me weeks to figure that out. Weeks & weeks. Not that I didn't make any progress till then. (Even getting to the office & admitting I needed help was INCREDIBLE progress. So many spin their wheels & suffer, suffer, suffer & never get that far.) But I really felt & noticed a difference in my life once I figured out how to work this thing.

Heck, I keep re-learning that. I still have to remind myself of that, when there are topics I dread bringing up -- otherwise I end up chatting socially about what I'm reading & what I did on the weekend, when that's not worth the hourly rate & not worth my free time. (Since I keep re-learning it, it's probably why I bring it up here all the time: You gotta learn to work it, girl.)

Good luck! I went to a inpatient and then finally attended outpatient treatment for 3 months. It was the hardest thing I ever did but I don't regret one minute of it. Just know that your journey won't end after the clinic but it does become more manageable for most people. Life does get better.