Why is it that for years and years I sat on my fat a$$ and stuffed food in my mouth but now that I'm on a plan I have such horrific anxiety to give myself a break.

I started this journey about a year ago, but didn't get super-serious until September-ish. Since that time I have had 2 "cheats" - which involved 1 piece of pie on Thanksgiving and 2 chocolate chip cookies Xmas day. I sometimes eat a little more then I should - by that I mean a little extra brown rice with dinner. I never, and I mean never, have snacks during the day, and about once every 3 weeks I'll have an orange at night after dinner. I also have worked out every day since January 1st - minus 2 days in January and one of those days I spent painting a large room, 3 coats.

If this sounds like it's bragging, it's NOT. Because I can't NOT behave this way without feeling intensely anxious. I pulled a muscle in my calf this week and still forced myself to run 2 miles on the treadmill, because the thought of not exercising was too scary.

Fast forward to today. Twice a year a work we have a big celebration for my clients. Today was one. We have pizza and cake. I ate no pizza and no cake and instead had my healthy choice soup with a banana. But after the celebration there was a ton of pizza left - so I decided to bring some home. So here I sit, as the pizza is warming up, terrified that if I eat 2 pieces I will gain back half the weight I lost. To make matters worse, I had do something after work that precluded me from exercising.

I seriously think something is wrong with me. Why am I such an all or nothing person??!!

So weird! we are so alike. I started last January- but didn't get serious until August 18. You have been a bit better with not "cheating" then I - however mine aren't even memorable so that makes me not even want to do it even more. I am obsessive about my workouts- however I do rest every Sunday (well I don't go to the gym but I walk 3 miles). Through a cold and strep throat I have made myself continue working out.

I totally know that TERRIFIED feeling of gaining it all back. I do fel like at some point I will need therapy for that.

I've wondered why I am acting like this FINALLY... I hope I can continue thugh. I feel so much happier now that I have this focus.

There's nothing wrong with you, from what I can tell from your post. As our bodies are all different and so are our minds.

Cheating in diets is a funny thing. You'll get people who say "Indulge yourself when you must or you'll never succeed" and then those that say "Indulging yourself once leads to a slippery slope." And you can read success stories from cheaters and noncheaters alike.

Two slices of pizza can not possibly irreparably harm you (as long as it stops at two!) But only you know if it will stop at two. I can cheat pretty easily with sweets on special occasions (and be good at not doing it again), but pizza/cheesy bread sticks/french fries will bring back an addiction to oily/fried dough with a fury.

I'd be more worried about forcing exercise if you're strained.

I think you should be very proud of only having 2 "cheats" since beginning your weight loss journey. Also, there's no way eating 2 pieces of pizza is going to make you gain 55lbs. Pretty sure that defies the laws of physics.

Whether you decide to eat it or not, make sure not to beat yourself up over it. You've come so far!

Add my name to this list. I started my plan on January 3rd and cheated once. And that was by having sausage and cheese dip with whole grain scoops. We had a pizza party at work last week. I brought in a side salad, scraped the cheese off the pizza and left the crust. For the rest of the day, I was pissed at myself. But I struggle because I am HAPPY that I have such restraint after being a binger for many many years. On the other hand, I worry that I will continue obsessing once I am at goal. I'll just deal with it when the time comes I guess. I am not undereating - anymore - but if I am dangerously close to eating more than my alloted calories for weight loss, I obsess.

Working out is no different. If I don't get an hour of cardio in 5x a week, I feel like a fat loser. I hate my rest days -- like right now. Last night when I was at the gym I did more than an hour. Now I'm afraid my mindset is going to change where I have to meet THAT time now.

It's not helping that I am close to being in the 140's and I am desperate to get there.

But at the end of the day I am happy that I am finally taking my health and weight loss seriously. For good or for bad.

Cherry and Stacy -- all I can say to you guys is WOW! Your weight loss is incredibly impressive and I am just in complete awe of you two!

Oh, and to comment on what Mayday said -- I am the type of person that if I indulge, I won't stop. That'll be another hurdle when I reach goal.

I totally agree that both cheaters and non-cheaters can and do succeed. I am personally a cheater. Sometimes I wish I was a non-cheater as I know it would be "better" to just leave certain foods completely out of my diet. But I just can't do that...the prospect is just so, I don't know, "depressing" to me! But that's just me. I suppose non-cheaters sometimes wish they could just have one piece of chocolate (or whatever) and not worry about it triggering a binge/slippery slope/"I blew it so I just give up on everything" type of cycle.

In the end, I guess it just comes down to knowing enough about yourself to know what works for you. Many paths lead to the same destination (just look at all the different sub-forums on 3FC). No one's path is inherently "better" or "worse" than anyone else's. As long as we all get there, that's all that matters!

If you indulge, you bulge...

So next time, don't bring food home.
You are obsessed with losing weight? So are the rest of the dieters out there. Some don't even think of it as obsession. It does not bring out anxieties in them at all.

I call it a journey, a temporary diet, then maintenance.
But in reality, it is an obsession, because I count calories, so I have to be diligent every day, all day, for a couple of years. And I fear gaining it back, but it is not an overwhelming fear.

When I reach the next step, maintenance, I will adjust to a new obsession. Keeping my calories controlled once again, but will be a few more calories per day.

Just keep plodding along. The weight will come off, whether you let your emotions enter the picture or not. So just try to control the emotions and the calories at the same time. That's not so easy, but you can do it.
Look how successful you have been in dropping so much weight so far.

Let me tell you awesome chicks what a serious relief it was to read that other people think like me or even if you don't - that you don't think I'm totally crazy.

The reason I worry about having these "all or nothing" type thoughts is that I truly don't believe it is sustainable for me for life. I mean, really, can I be happy and healthy (mentally) obsessing over a missed workout or beating myself up and calling myself names because I ate some pizza?

I did have 2 pieces (and the way the pizza was made and cut was into smallish square pieces, not the pie shaped pieces). Here is the good news - I can take or leave sweets. I have never liked chocolate. They are not my triggers - pizza, breads, those type of things are. I ate the pieces and they were good, but not OHMYGAWD I HAVE MISSED YOU good. There are 4 more pieces in the refrigerator and I'm not even tempted. The piece of cake I bought home for DH holds no allure. He'll eat it tonight and offer me a bite and I'll say no.

And I'm willing to bet that the world won't come to an end and I won't gain all the weight back. What I really need to make sure is that this doesn't make me rationalize going off the good food and indulging frequently. This is what scares me. I remember that person and I don't want to be her again.

And I am still mad at myself for missing a workout!

Weight loss (and maintenance) can be such a personalized thing...and there is no singular answer on how to do it OR how to feel about it.

I was morbidly obese for much of my young life and this was, as therapist finally got it into my head, *trauma*. Much like any other serious, ongoing trauma. Only it was largely self-inflicted...which makes me have lots of issues dealing with eating and boundaries these days. It probably always will...

All I can do is my best to understand my own internal mind and body mechanics...and work on healing.

Maybe for you a little cheating makes you feel out of control and signals extreme danger in your mind because you appreciate how far you have come? Maybe not? I certainly dont know, but I do wish you the best it deepening your understanding of yourself. You are thinking about it, which is great and keep that up!

This is a wise, wonderful post. I concur!

I don't think there's anything wrong with you. After your phenomenal success, who wouldn't be vigilant about watching her food intake and her exercise? However, you sound like you're vigilant to the point that it gets in YOUR way of enjoyment of stuff, and that's what matters--not some arbitrary and externally imposed set of "how you should be."

We mentally reward ourselves for being "good" on a plan. Well, what's the corollary to being "good?" Being bad, of course! I don't know about you, but I struggle with this a fair bit. I consciously re-frame my thoughts regularly: "No, you aren't 'good' because you finished your whole walk; you can be proud of yourself, but you can't get smug." "The Luna bar is on your plan. See? You counted it right there. It is not 'bad,' and neither are you for eating it."

It's a struggle to overcome all-or-nothing thinking, but I think simply being aware of it goes a very long way to dispelling it. I hope you enjoyed your pizza and that you're proud of finding a way to work through the all-or-nothing thoughts and self-imposed guilt trips.

I try not to think of it as "'cheating". I know that I will not live the rest of my life without joining in celebrations and eating certain foods. I just try to think of this as a lifestyle and try to make good choices every day. I am hoping that the weight will take care of itself if I am living healthy, using moderation, and excercising.

I totally relate to what you are saying, and I really appreciated seeing your post today. I have the all or nothing thing going on, too, always have, and I'm really trying to work on it.

I've been going about my plan pretty successfully. I'm amazed at what eating on this plan I've concocted for myself has meant to my feeling of being in control, satisfied, etc, *most* of the time. I even figured out over the holidays that if I do splurge on something, a good couple days of being back to plan gets me right back in my new mindset.

So I'm all set, right? I have a contingency plan for when I do plan on enjoying food celebrations, I have it all figured out.

Well, hmph! My sister is here from out of town and last night we went to my favorite upscale restaurant for her birthday celebration. I ordered prudently, but I was into the bread and oil (a couple small pieces), and I took bites of everyone else's entrees (they were all amazingly different, delightful, and expensive). They surprised her with a pumpkin and white chocolate bread pudding, I had a couple luscious bites of that and THEN we went to a new gourmet ice cream shop and I got salty caramel with smoked almonds and brown butter almond brittle. The total serving of the ice cream was 1/2 cup or so, a very small dish -- and it was the most amazing ice cream I have ever tasted!

Reality is, tasting all those bites was very special. I will likely not be going to that restaurant again for a good while, and they were chef creations, like the guy's artwork, really! Same with the ice cream. The reality also is that I consumed less calories than anyone else at the table, and probably not a whole lot over maintenance even. I'm not going to lose weight eating like that consistently, but I'm certainly not going to gain from one day of it.

So why did I wake up this morning in almost a panic over it?? All or nothing! I was not perfectly on plan yesterday. Oh no, the freaking walls are going to cave in!!! No question I am going to be right back on plan today, so why the anxiety and the need to scold myself over enjoying something like that experience? Even when I tell myself it's okay to do that once in awhile. I went to an amazing restaurant and got a salad with vinaigrette and 4 oz of grilled steak on it and I'm punishing myself for the extra bites I took. When before I would have had 3 times as much bread, ordered the creamiest entree they had, and gotten the large ice cream. GRRRR And now I'm mad at myself for being mad at myself.

I am going to use this experience as practice. Practice for being okay about eating for the sheer enjoyment of it every once in a while! Sorry so long, but I really had to get this off my chest. THANKS!

It really is important to practice being okay about it, isn't it? I always swore that the one thing I never wanted to be was "That Girl," the one who went to a fantastic restaurant and ordered some abstemious little punishment on a plate like a grilled piece of chicken on lettuce (no sauce, no dressing) that could just as well have come from freakin' Applebee's (gag) while other people ate culinary works of art from a master chef.

I'm really learning a lot about the middle ground--about how to sample those bites of fabulous food like you did, Shannon, and how to choose meals that are lighter than fettucine Alfredo, but not the generic grilled-chicken-steamed-broccoli nightmares that afflict some restaurants' light menus. The middle ground is broader, and I'm noticing this as I'm getting narrower.

It is so hard not to get into an all or nothing mindset. I suffer from it too, although I have much less discipline than you because I get frustrated easily.

My advice is to calculate the calories of the 2 slices of pizza. While it's probably more than you want to eat, it might help the "all or nothing" part of your brain realize that it is a set # of calories, not infinite, and can be burned off later (or offset in your calories some other time during your week).

If it really freaks you out -- how about 1 slice and a salad with a small glass of skim milk? Or instead of the skim milk, you could have low fat yogurt for dessert.

I hope this helps

I think it takes so much practice to get the mindset right -- not overly strict and perfectionist, and not too lax.

Have a good night!

EDIT: lol, I totally missed the 2nd post the OP made! I'm glad you were able to enjoy the pizza!