So, I am turning to the collective wisdom of 3fc, as you all tend to be really spot on the money (wth does that mean, anyways?) with your advice and very kind and compassionate as well.

I have been working on strengthening a relationship I have with my male relative. He has been largely absent in my life since I was a baby, because of problems he had with his mother. He could have reached out to me, but didn't. I think he is a good guy, just kind of quiet, and sadly, his wife is very, very controlling.

So, he has a daughter that is a bit spoiled. On numerous occasions, she has said some things that were immature (understandable for her age), racially offensive, and she has had meltdowns at times where she would literally get upset and tell her parents that it was time to leave. She is an adult, technically). She treats my relative badly, treating him sort of like a slave. He sometimes comes across as a good guy trying to do right by his family, but not strong enough to tell his daughter AND wife when they are misusing him, etc.

Because of how badly she has treated my relative, and when she has said things that were offensive, I have let her know how it comes across and that she should respect and love and help her parents. The rest of the family is used to how she acts, but no one says anything. I have told her that I am saying certain things, only because I am family, and want her to be ok (some of the racist things she has said could cause fights in some situations) and that another person may get the wrong idea about her. Honestly, sometimes I really do wonder how she thinks about things.

Things were going well between me and my relative and we had started to make time and visit one another and he seemed really open to accepting me back in his life. He wasn't there for me for the majority of my life, ever since I was born. He chose to not be involved in knowing me because of issues he had with my mother.

His daughter has been rude to me (blatantly ignoring me at times, or rolling her eyes), and told her dad that I make her uncomfortable (namely because I am the only person who has ever suggested that she not be rude to her parents, not say racist things, etc. Her parents just sit quietly and no one reacts when she does act inappropriately.). Because of this, he has not been very welcoming to me, and has participated in leaving me out of certain family events because his daughter has voice her level of being uncomfortable. She currently lives at home, does not work, and does not participate in paying for anything for herself (except for video games) or for the household.

How would you respond to this? I am very upset that my relative's daughter, because of her own immaturity, is potentially ruining me and my relative's relationship. On the other hand, I feel that my relative is not strong enough to stand up to his daughter or wife, and just goes with the flow, even when it means alienating other family. I feel very bad for him, as I do feel that he wants a certain type of family, but is sort of misused, mistreated, and taken for granted---did I mention he is the sole income provider in the household?

I feel like saying something to him, but the last time he spoke to me, he said something pretty nasty and I feel it is because I questioned something about his daughter (she has done some really negative things lately, very, very negative). What would you do? I feel hurt because I am trying to have a relationship with him, even after his abandonment, but, he seems not willing to put in the effort, ya know?

I will say this as gently as I can. NEVER ever try to get in between a man, and his family. Especially his child. He will wind up cutting you out totaly if you push the issue.
I think speaking up when she says something offensive is fine. You shouldn't have to put up with that in your home, and you have a right to stand up to that kind of talk.

Not sure how to handle your situation, but just don't push the issue with his child. Either cut him out or try to find common ground with his daughter and wife, and let some of it slide. If they treat him like crap and he doesn't care, than just let it slide.
If it ever does start to bother him, you can be there for him later.

Yeah, plus, why would you want a relationship with him? Nice man or not, still clearly an idiot. Why surround yourself with idiot and his accompanying mean girls?

i agree...

if she offends YOU in any way, by all means, defend yourself, tell her she is being inappropriate, do what you need to do. but when it comes to him, he needs to defend himself. if he approached you with frustration, or with wanting advice/ comfort, than express yourself. otherwise, let him deal with it himself. i know its hard to see people we care about in situations like you just described, but they have to help themselves, you know?
also, if he's still open, just focus on rebuilding your relationship with him. do things together when she isn't around or something, if possible. don't make his family and issue, work on make the both of you a family again

I agree with the other posters. It is not your place to comment to a father about his daughter, as his inherent loyalty is to her. Besides, as adults, we all have free will; as "misused" by his family he appears, he does have the option to change his reactions or behavior, and chooses not to. We can never truly appreciate the inner workings of others' relationships, as we are on the outside and only know what we observe.

Indeed, the people above are correct. Fix one thing at a time. If you really miss the guy and want to be close, start there. The grumpy and offensive ladies are his baggage and his problem to solve. Really, if he doesn't solve this himself, you probably won't respect him.

First start forging a strong bond with him, if you really want this. Later, if he wants help, you may be able to give him emotional support while he straightens out the "takers" in his life.

There is really no way for you to wade in and solve his problems first. And, ask yourself: Do you really need more problems? Usually, I find that we each have quite enough of our own. Sometimes we get upset over other people's problems, because we really don't want to think about matters close to home.

i also agree w/ most of the posters. i also think you should give yourself some time to think on why you are pursuing this relationship. Is it worth it to you?

I'm in a bummer situation in that my parents and brother live overseas, the only family I have aren't very nice people, racist, small minded, countrified. i have tried and tried to build a relationship with them, because i feel alone and sad and miss my family and i wish that they were still around. i finally realized that they don't really have much interest in me or my life and pursuing them was just hard on me and my efforts meant nothing to them. So I stopped.

If his daughter treats him that way, it's a learned behavior, most likely learned by the way his wife treats him. He is most likely miserable, but doesn't have the forethought to get out of it. Or the energy. Or maybe he doesn't care.

Misery loves company.

My brother and I both live with our mom currently, and we both have little ones. My brother and I are actually very close, but I can see him squirm when I scold his daughter. Quite frankly- she is a bonefide brat who constantly tortures my own daughter (they are a year apart). Now my daughter is no angle, but his is sneaky and manipulative. And even though he knows what she did was wrong, If I'm scolding her, he squirms. I love my niece but her "look at me!" drama drives me crazy.. and I call her on it (she doesn't really get disciplined when she is at her moms house. It's like we are doing double duty when she's here)

Anyway.. so if my brother, with whom I'm close to- squirms when I'm correcting his daughter, imagine what your relative feels like?

No matter how right you are, you will always be "wrong" in this instance, because he is going to feel the need to protect his family, regardless of how miserable they make him.

His daughter will get hers in the end when she is thrown into the real world. No employer or (mentally healthy) significant other will tolerate her BS.

You many want to try to have a separate relationship with him, and only him... but I think in this instance, you are up a creek without a paddle.

LR

Thank you everybody!

You are right----I mean, I was going to send him an email about how I would never tell him how to raise or interact with his grown child. I would never do that. That any comment I have or will make, is only in response to either her being offensive to entire groups of people, myself, or her father.

He is a very sweet and kind man, and he is an older relative that was very close with another relative of mine that passed, that I was close to. I just feel upset that because his daughter made such a fuss, he is not including me in various activities----there was a family get together, and because she told him that she didn't care for me, it was made clear to not invite me, and to have a separate event where he and I and others, not including his daughter, could attend.

I saved the email as a draft, but did not send it. I was hurt to find out again that I was left out of something, when, I feel like I am making the huge step to allow him and his family back into my life despite what they did in the past.

I will not comment on how he interacts with his child---but if we are in public and she does any of her usual stuff, then I will just speak my mind. I have asked him to spend time together, so I think i will work on that aspect more. I completely understand that in terms of family, I play a very, very, very small part in comparison to his wife and kids.

Thank you all for listening to me. I wanted to hear some advice before I sent off the email. Now, I just will not send it at all.

I am still focusing on my diet. I gained like 5 pounds in a week, but I think it is water weight, so I am trying to really watch the calories in a hardcore kind of way---be more strict about it.