these are jus some thoughts going through my head as i read some of the posts on this board..

around 2004/05 i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and put on all sorts of meds for a couple years..went off of them...went back on them...then went off them again and got re-diagnosed with major depression and it was suggested to me i was never bipolar to begin with.....which is..well..depressing....those meds have left me with some physical long term side-effects and they weren't even needed..now i have been on wellbutrin sr for several months and it seems that is all i ever needed..not that all my problems are solved or anything..but since i was diagnosed as bipolar no one ever prescribed me an anti-depressant for fear it would make me manic.............things still aren't perfect or anything, but there is a definate improvement than when i was on the other types of meds..on those i just slept most of the time, was still depressed and still had anger~emotional/impulse control problems..not to mention how difficult it is to lose, or even maintain, on some of the bipolar meds ...i really feel for the people on here having to deal with that

i still have anger& other emotional issues just from a lot of my past and a history of being treated as a scapegoat in my family and seriously neglected as a child among other things...........i'm not sure why i am writing all this out, i don't really have a question....i guess i just want to get it out there because i relate to so much of what i have read on this board and want to share some of my past

if anyone out there is able to, i highly suggest therapy...some people don't like it..i don't particularly like it..but no kind of meds have ever had any sort of effect for me without also having some sort of therapy.....kind of like there is no magic pill to lose weight....there is no magic pill to fix the psychological problems you may be having....there is a joint effort, and the pill is just to support your other efforts..not to say it is impossible to do so w/out therapy or without meds...just maybe a little easier

my main issue now is still anger/impulse.....maybe i won't ever have great impulse control...but i know that the days i workout are the days i don't get irritated and i feel much better in almost all ways when i workout....and even though i still have problems with it, it is far better now than ever before..as they say, i am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel..even if i am left with some severe distrust of doctors

it is so complicated being a human !! we want to be a certain way as we grow up/get older.. but you don't just become that person ! you have to BE that person and you have to work at it, and you can't stop.......and this applies to everything we idealize and want to be, but aren't and have to really work at day by day if we want it bad enough......too bad we can't just fill out a punch card of all the things we want ourselves to be !....life is confusing stuff : P

OMG. That is all so true. I started on anti-depressants about 2 months ago and I realized about a week ago, that they really are just a TOOL. And it takes many tools to reach a goal.

Like with weight loss: eat less, eat healthy, get exercise, prepare your own meals, count your calories, etc. Those are all tools for losing weight. Often just ONE isn't enough, you need to use a few of them.

I think it is the same for any goal... like happiness. You can't just take a magic pill and be happy everyday (at least I can't). I need to use other tools. I am discovering that EXERCISE is really KEY for me. Without it, things start to fall apart. I don't sleep as well, I don't have as much energy, my moods start to slip, etc.

I have also started journaling and cross stitching. Two more tools. I plan to one day try some meditation, too.

I also realized last night that sometimes I am just going to have to take a deep breath and MAKE myself GET UP and use a tool... Last night, I forced myself to start my cross stitching. Now, I am really LOOKING forward to doing more tonight.

Life does take work. It takes a lot of work and energy. But happiness is so worth all the work.

that's awesome that you're journaling and cross stitching....i don't know why but i can't think of what cross stitching is..but it must be awesome since "stitching" is in the name .....i've been trying to learn to knit, hear it can be therapeutic .....i need to be better about journaling....i love to write, but the only time it is beneficial for me to write in my journal is when i am super irritated about something or sad/crying/frustrated..just when i am actually experiencing the emotion....it is hard for me to write about something that i am not feeling in the moment....and i don't often feel like writing when i'm mad or crying....or both

i love meditation...i used to do it very regularly and i have no idea why i stopped..definitely need to start that again, it really does do a lot of good and if you do it for awhile and really get into it..it gets pretty amazing and rewarding how deep into yourself you can get...time will pass faster and when you come out of it, if you didn't set a timer...it could be a couple hours later !

you saying and reminding me that we sometimes have to MAKE ourselves do things that are good for us has motivated me get off my butt and go do my workout for the day ! thank you !!

exercise IS key...totally agree....there is a definite difference on the days i workout for sure !

I write in a journal and go for therapy. I quite like therapy actually, I find it useful for venting out pent up emotions, but of course I have a long ways to go before I am more functional. I exercise too as well. I find that exercise helps the most because it helps me feel good about myself. About journaling, I find that it helps me keep my thoughts in order. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by too many thoughts, so having a journal helps me keep them in check, helps me 'let go' of what I am feeling at that point of time.

I have bipolar II and have been on soo many different meds, it's very frustrating trying to find the right meds and also having to go through the many different side effects. I am glad that you managed to get the right diagnosis and is now on Wellbutrin SR. I know that there is no magic pill, but that's as close as it can get I guess, as long as it's doing it's job. I still can't say totally that the meds I am taking are working for me or agaisnt me. Losing weight is so difficult, and I gained quite a bit being on bipolar meds.

I am glad you are starting to see 'the light' =) That definitely shows major improvement! You are right, I wouldn't mind either having a punch card to fill up of all the things we want ourselves to be. That would include loving myself, which I seem to have much problem with these past years since the diagnosis. I guess I just haven't been myself. Just bobbing around, going with the flow of things, not really 'living'.

I always tell myself to take things one day at a time, one step at a time. That's how I get by. If I think too far ahead, I tend to get worried and flustered and my moods go all over the place. I don't meditate though, I can't seem to find that inner peace and mental control to meditate, but instead I do some light yoga everyday. I find that it helps a little. I also try my best to pray daily, seeking help from a higher power. I find that it brings me some form of peace.

Cross stitching is fun! But I don't seem to have the proper concentration for it =p I can't seem to focus on one thing for too long. Haha, I guess that has something to do with my mood swings. I actually keep track of my moods using this iPhone app called eCBTMood. It helps me map out and chart out my moods. I intend on bringing the chart to my doctor next appointment. There are other online sites that help with mood charting, you can google it and give it a try if you want.

You are right blueballerina, life is confusing stuff! I just wish that I didn't have to work so ridiculously hard to be normal or at least functional. Sorry my reply is mostly ramblings. I just wanted to show support in any way I can. Do take care!

you definitely do no need to worry about rambling when talking to me, i promise you

i'm sorry you are having such a hard time..i am only just coming out of it after about 6-7 years and I'm still not totally functional...but that is also because i am autistic (well...on the spectrum, but not the stereotype) and that makes things hard enough and is a huge cause of my depression....knowing i will never really related to anyone or have truly fulfilling relationships because i am so socially awkward ......i get misunderstood a lot of the time because i guess i don't look like what someone might think someone with autism looks like....i'm not sure where anyone gets that we'd all look the same...but what i mean is that i dress neatly and can take care of my own hygiene..yada yada....some people that are less functioning on the autistic spectrum do have a problem with dressing themselves though and taking care of personal hygiene..so i suppose that is why..(see..i'm rambling too..no big deal )

i haven't been really living either....in the past 5 years i have barely done a thing...i lost 100lbs and gained it back ..i went to art school..dropped out..went to a university..dropped out...i've cost myself a lot of money and have pretty much nothing to show for it.....i'm not very old, 25 in April.....but i now fear passing my twenties by and not having achieved very much at all...i think that has given me a boost to really try to figure out how to make this change...it's so hard......that means it's gotta be worth it right ? ....why is that so hard to remember !!?


this statement from your post got me thinking-"I don't meditate though, I can't seem to find that inner peace and mental control to meditate, but instead I do some light yoga everyday. "

what i immediately thought is, you don't begin to meditate having already achieved inner piece/mental control....you mediate in order to gain those things..those strengths then seep into other areas of your life, which is what makes meditation so worthwhile, especially if you have trouble with concentrating and finding balance, etc......but yoga is good too! and some would say is a form of meditation..journaling for the reasons you say you journal is also a form of meditating..some people even compare running to meditation..it's not limited to sitting in the dark with your eyes closed.......i really need to get back into meditating ...any yoga i do is part of the ballet exercises i do, so it isn't a full yoga sequence..but they are very enjoyable stretches...i can't wait to be all super flexible and strong...those are my highest goals

<sigh> .....i've written so much, but i have more to say

about loving yourself......i share this with you and struggle to keep negative self-talk at bay..we can really say some cruel things to ourselves .....i think the reason i was mistook for someone with bipolar disorder (other than it being prominent in my family) for so long is due to my often unstable emotions.....if you have a problem loving yourself because of some sort of emotional outbursts or anything like that, just think..if you aren't going to love yourself bc of these things, than who is ? ...i say all this, but these are things i also have to keep in mind all the time....you just have to be on your own side..and sometimes being on your own side seems harder than being your own self saboteur, because if you are on your own side that means doing the things that are the hardest....it's just that hump you have to get over before you begin seeing the other side of life....but even then it isn't over, i still struggle with wondering whether or not i will ever really enjoy life or have good friends, etc...not to be discouraging..but it's a lifelong thing...i can't imagine ever not having to worry about keeping my moods and emotions in check..or not constantly wondering about all my insecurities and whether or not they will go away..

if you read all that you deserve some dancing carrots




oooh...and i just noticed you are in Malaysia....I used to live in Singapore when i was a wee one

Ready for more ramblings? =p

First of all, I am 25 too! and yes, a native Malaysian. It's awesome that you used to live in Singapore when you were younger. Ever made it to Johor Bahru? Just across the border? Thats where I live.

I have been going through this for only 2 years, but man.... it seems like the longest 2 years of my life. Not sure how much more I can bare really. I am glad that you are higher functioning on the autistic spectrum, I am sure being autistic, even on the lower end has it own set of problems. My heart goes out to you. I am socially awkward myself too though but I guess a little less than you, mostly due to anxiety. Hmm, I'm not sure if social awkwardness is similar to social anxiety.

I have a ton of anxiety in me. I guess it came alongside bipolar disorder, like a 'free gift'. I get anxious around people, I shy away from old friends because I worry that they might call me fat (stupid I know, but that's how I feel), I can't drive much because I always fear I might get into a car crash, and last of all, anxiety that I will never quite breakthrough and get better. It took you 6-7 years! That worries me. 2 years and I'm already falling apart...

By the way, I am not working, I have a degree though, but I can't put it to much use though since I have such major anxiety. It makes me feel pathetic. Don't feel validated at all. I even live with my parents, which is embarassing since I am 25. Aren't I supposed to be independent by now? Flourishing and roaming the earth? As opposed to just staying at home and moping? I too am afraid that I would pass by my twenties and not having achieved very much at all.

I am glad that you are all out to make a change, I know it's hard but it is worth it in the end. I am trying to make a change too. For now, I am focusing on my weight, I can't seem to do too many things at one time. I guess it's hard to remember that the change is worth it because you are unsure how long the change will last, if its sustainable or not. I get that fear all the time, that all my hard efforts would go down the drain because of another bipolar slump. But I am not going to give up! There has to be that silver lining am I right?

About meditation, I really should give it a try. I'll probably start today, and try to do it a step at a time. I'd probably start with a few minutes, then work my way up till a longer period of time. You do ballet? That awesome! Really! You probably are already super flexible and strong but you don't know it! Ballet, I would imagine is super hard. Never tried ballet. Always thought I was too old to even try it out.

Also, yes I agree, we can really say some cruel things to ourselves. If I'm not going to love myself for being unstable, than who will? That's a tricky question. I still am trying my hardest to accept whom I am and be on my own side than being my own self saboteur. Self sabotage seems to be the easier road sometimes, but you are right.. i just need to get over that hump before I begin seeing the other side of life. Just wishing that hump wasn't so big.

Thanks for reading. I wish you all the best blueballerina =) Maybe we could get through this together! Help each other out. By the way, congrats on the 15 pound weight loss so far =)

well....when i lived in Singapore I was just a kid(went to singapore-american school), so maybe I've been to Johor Bahru..I'm really not sure, i think we left Singapore when I was around 8 or 9....i lived in Hong Kong first, where I was born ..but I'm actually Scottish, not Chinese or Malaysian...heheh..that sounds kind of weird doesn't it ? :P

social awkwardness gives me social anxiety, so the two are definitely related. though a lot of people say i am socially graceful..but that is totally by accident or difference in perception..because i never feel graceful...it's funny, cause other people say i am like a bull in a china store.....so i guess i have a wide range of ways i present myself...i have no idea ! ...i do wish i could just be normal..i worry that i'll never be like the people who laugh so easily among a group of people and go out on a whim (i have to plan things or i am even more uncomfortable)....maybe i will get there...who knows......i hope soon my time will be totally, or mostly, occupied..so i won't have to really think about that........it's just too often that it seems people who don't know me, don't like me...some even accuse me of being intimidating/stand off-ish....and again, i do not know where they get this from....i feel totally nonthreatening and misunderstood....very common theme among autistics (the actual term for me is asperger's)


i can drive, but actually it is pretty common for autistics to not know how to drive..i don't think it is out of fear though, but i'm not sure.......personally, even though i can drive...i don't really have anywhere to drive to ! ..i can't really drive at night, unless i have no other choice

don't worry about it having taken me 6 years....there is a whole lot more i haven't said that has caused this to take so long for me, and will take another couple years before it is stable..i hope ! ..and i'm doing the things i want to do.......i don't know your past, and even if i did...different people heal at different rates.....and i avoid friends for the same reasons..i even avoid family and just don't really enjoy going out at all...i won't even walk around my neighborhood ....lately i have been getting this overwhelming feeling of what would i do if my husband died (ok...he's not my husband yet...soon though..)...i mean..i've always known that death is a part of life..but i guess lately i have just really been feeling my mortality and that of others ....if he died...i can't fathom what i would do..and im not referring to emotional upheaval, but what i would physically do to support myself...it really scares me.....my parents live in town too, but i'd rather live in a shelter than with them....but even moreso, i'd rather not be put in the position to have to make that sort of decision :/

what do you have a degree in ? ...i don't have an official job or anything, i make money here and there..and trying to figure out how to start a business..i want to learn metal smithing to make jewelry..but wouldn't be able to until at least spring 2012

.......i would try to not call yourself pathetic, i used to have this habit too..you do have an illness, right ? ..people with illnesses aren't pathetic, they are sick......unfortunately with bipolar disorder you will have to learn to work around the things that you have trouble with and can't just be cured by some more simple means....think of it as a kind of physical therapy like those who have to re learn how to walk after heart surgery/stroke or whatever...that is hard for them ! ...and this is hard too.....people who go through these sorts of things can have a higher appreciation and gratefulness for life because they know it is a very thin line between depression/happiness success/failure life/death......it really is a fine line...the two extremes of -anything- are always right next to each other ...you are probably very aware of this though, being bipolar ................are your parents supportive ?

i feel my thoughts are very unorganized and that about half of this message could be edited out

instead of telling yourself you are pathetic, be more kind and tell yourself that you are going through a hard part of your life, and that it will pass...you just have to make it through..don't be so hard on yourself (i bet you hear this a lot..i do anyway..) ...if you think you're pathetic..you're pathetic ! ...but i think a better word is 'strong' ......so many people our age don't have to go through these sorts of things until later in life and are much less prepared than we will be

and you're not too old to try ballet..too old to try to become a professional (classic) ballerina ...and i'm too old for that too, heheh..there are adult beginners classes though, usually a mix of teenagers and young adults..sometimes the very old..it's great exercise.......but really..i have gone through a very very long break..plus gained a ton of weight between now and then..but it is my highest goal to reclaim those abilities and the goal i am most excited about...and in order to achieve that i have to first achieve a lot of other things..like losing weight



sorry if i sound like a motivational speaker or something....reading your messages, or really when i am writing anything in response...i have so much i want to say and just find it hard to write it out in a more orderly fashion.....i'm probably worrying about nothing

like the question "who is going to love me for being unstable if i won't " ...definitely seems, after reading it again...not to be what i meant...i don't think anyone would be in love with themselves BECAUSE they are unstable.....but others might only be able to see the label "bipolar" and not see who you really are and the turmoil you go through...so love yourself..know that the real you isn't someone who is unstable....just like someone who has cancer, isn't just a cancer patient


do you get that feeling sometimes that there is you, and then there is the part of you that you can't control ? .....whenever i get irritable or am around men..i do not feel like i have any control..like i am fighting against myself to do the right thing..and not just to do the right thing, but to do the thing that i Want to do and that will get me closer to happiness..it is frustrating to not be yourself and to do things that oppress your goals

and you know what.....don't think you are working toward happiness either....people who we think are happy or look happy or like they really enjoy life...still are often searching for happiness and balance themselves....so you aren't going to one magical day become happy or balanced, even once you get a hang of your disorder..and i know that might sound horrible, but it really isn't...it's just life....once you do have a hang of the bipolar disorder, it will be easier for you to persue happiness in the way others do

if i knew how to send PM i would have sent this through that....do you know how to do that ?

if you are meditating with a specific purpose, maybe you could try to see that hump as a tiny speed bump...or as that huge bump shrinking....cause it is only as big as you imagine it is...even with an illness hindering your efforts, this is true.......like how they say people who are dying in the hospital are more likely to survive if they think positively....so that same concept is the same for those who want to succeed at something..think positively.....it took me awhile to accept that because i thought i had no other choice than to be miserable....focus on what you can change, not what you can't

and we can definitely get through this together !

Thanks for replying blueballerina.

I'm still trying to figure out how to PM you. I tried but it said that "blueballerina has chosen not to receive private messages or may not be allowed to receive private messages. Therefore you may not send your message to him/her." Not sure what to do.

You have asperger's. I get it now. Do you have any other friends with asperger's? Someone you could talk to and relate to? I know that support is very important. Online support is good as well. You mentioned that you'd rather stay in a shelter than live with your parents. I reckon you don't get much support from them? My parents support me fully in terms of my illness. There are times when I think they just don't understand me but overall, they have been very supportive. I am sure your soon-to-be hubby gives you full support? About worrying about his mortality and your own, it's true death is a part of life, but I think, and it's just me, that perhaps overwhelming yourself with such thoughts is unhealthy for your mental and general wellbeing? But I know most times, it's an automatic thought that is hard to control.

I liked how you said that people heal at different rates. That is so true! I went through this really bad break up 2 years ago, and I still haven't totally healed from that. The guy however picked up the pieces awfully quick and is currently prospering. I wish my heart would heal faster but somehow my brain is stuck in the past and sometimes just doesn't want to let go. Sometimes I think that I'm getting better and moving on, then the past sneaks up on me in my dreams, and I really hate that. That I have no control over my dreams.

I agree that being bipolar has made me appreciate life even more. The fine lines, the extremes. I think being bipolar has made me appreciate functionality. It is hard to function normally as a person with bipolar that I truly appreciate the times when I can do normal things like going to the gym. For most I think, going to the gym is rather easy peasy. But for me, I have to think about the drive there, will I reach safely?, parking, will I be able to hold myself together and not cry during workouts. I feel very insecure when I'm at the gym, I think it has to do with all the mirrors all over the place. I try to avoid them as much as I can but haha, dumbbell exercises without a mirror is difficult. Then after that it's worrying about the drive home, will I make it home or not, will I end up in an accident. So many things running through my head even doing a 'simple' thing as going to the gym. I guess that's anxiety.

Yes, strong is a better word than pathetic. You said that "so many people our age don't have to go through these sorts of things until later in life and are much less prepared than we will be". I never thought of it that way. Also, I am not too sure other people will go through these sort of things later in life in general either. You mean people will eventually fall ill? I guess you are right. I understand now.

Also yes, I also sometimes get the feeling that there is 'me', and another uncontrollable part of me. I get panic attacks mostly. Mild ones but still very unnerving and uncomfortable. It hinders me from doing a ton of things. I get scared a lot and I know for a fact that it isn't me. I hate the lack of control over my moods and emotions. It makes me question my every move, criticise and evaluate everything that I do. It gets rather tiring to be honest. Like some sort of mental explosion.

Think positively, hmmm... easier said than done. Being bipolar also means that I get bouts of depression and it's really difficult to breakthrough that fog. There are some days where I am on top of things and feel positive and there are days where I feel that life is just not worth living. It's a vicious, sad, sick cycle. But I agree with what you say, that once I do get a hang of the bipolar disorder, it will be easier for me to pursue happiness in the way others do. I do hope I learn to accept my condition better and know how to handle its ups and downs in order to pursue happiness. Focus on what I can change and not what I can't.

Oh, I have a degree is Business Admin. Specifically finance but since falling sick, I seem to have lost all interest in doing finance. To be honest, I'm not too sure what to do, what job scope to potentially explore. I am glad that you found your calling with making jewellery. I would like a job that I can do from home but I don't think there are much choices for me here. I'm really unsure of what to do.

Do take care blueballerina. Hugs

i just tried to figure out how to change that setting that doesn't allow me to receive PM..but i'm not really sure if i did it right :/

i won't write as long of a message this time since i know right now i am procrastinating to go workout, heheh

i know positive thinking is harder said than done......i'm not always so positive..in fact i am probably still less positive than my words may seem...i just know what i need to do in order to get to where i want to be

i'm not sure what types of things you may want to do for work at home..but i know of a few ways i could tell you about if you want..will be easier in a PM though

and also, i am no doctor or anything (i also don't think doctors always have a best interest in mind) but perhaps you could look into some natural remedies to treat your bipolar disorder, rather than the harsh pharmaceuticals that are prescribed for bipolar....i know of some things..i don't know how many pills you have to take a day, but most likely any natural remedy you try would be more pills ..but i would definitely not take both a natural remedy and a prescribed treatment..but..like they always say..don't go off your meds without informing your prescriber..blahblah...i don't know about your doctor, but mind wouldn't support natural..she didn't even know of any :P ..but there are plenty....if this is even anything you are interested in, i would still tell your doctor and if they aren't supportive..insist, and tell them you would feel more comfortable if they would still monitor you during your natural treatment

just a thought

where do i go to try and send you a PM ...i can't find anything that says PM for some reason :/

Now I feel like I'm nosing in on this conversation. Apologies. I think you need to be a member for a month or something before you can PM.

that explains it....i think in a few days i will have been here for about that amount of time

thanks for letting us know..was starting to think i had reached a new level of internet illiteracy

Hi-
I myself have suffered from small bouts of depression and I have family members who have bipolar, etc. and what I can say is that the exercise and meditation will up our seratonum levels. Try a chakra meditation it really helps me! Hope things go better.