Just my mental venting I guess....but I had the thought tonight.

I've been overweight ALL of my life. I've also struggled with constant guilt. CONSTANT. If I eat healthy, I'm obsessing about the next meal. If it's baked fish with veggies, there's a part of me that's upset for not eating vegetarian. If I eat something processed, I think I should eat all whole foods. and on and on. It's an EVERY day thing and has been since Mom put me on a diet at age 10. Yes I have tried every single diet. Raw, Atkins, South Beach, HCG, WW, everything.

Now the last 6 months I've tried harder than ever. I do great and lose 10 pounds....then get tired one day and blow it and in the next two weeks gain it all back. And do it again.

2 weeks ago I did a full one week of Atkins and lost 8 pounds while feeling GREAT and it was nearly effortless for me. One day I woke up and couldn't face eggs for breakfast and wham - it was over. A normal day for me begins with me waking up and thinking about what I should eat for breakfast. If I choose to eat healthy then I obsess until lunch about what I'm eating. Then....if I blow it I then think the rest of the day "tomorrow is IT."

I'm still 50 pounds overweight. STILL. *sigh*

I don't have any friends really - my sister in law is really the only close friend I have. today alone I talked to one person other than my two boys - my husband.

The way I obsess over what I eat is also the way I focus on other parts of my life such as my finances (feel guilt over everything from groceries to clothes), the way I dress, how I raise my kids, the organization and cleanliness of my home and yes even my faith.

Guess that was a really looooong post just to ask - does this sound like depression? If so, can depression make it much harder to lose weight?

I just want to be DONE with all this guilt and fear. I feel like I can't live my life under this strain - I don't necessarily FEEL stressed all the time but reading this it sounds like I'm a mess. I've been told all my life depression is just somebody not being close enough to Jesus. (sorry if that offends but it's honestly what I've been told!)

depression makes everything harder. obsessive thinking makes everything harder. have you tried therapy? antidepressants and therapy have helped me immensely. it is possible to learn how to control your obsessive thinking and to manage depression. i'm not saying it's easy, but therapy does work. i really relate to what you are going through, and i'm impressed by the progress you've made and the awareness you have. i hope you will look into treatment, because it's just too hard to do this without help. you deserve to have peace with yourself!

Yes, depression makes things harder. I never had any sort of mental health problems until I got postpartum depression. I went from being normal & bubbly one day, to being in a deep depression the next, to the point of wanting to check myself into a psychiatric ward. So, I've been on both sides of the fence and remember it very clearly.

It alters your motivation, your reasoning, your will to do anything, your will to LIVE, let alone make a good food choice!

Do you have depression? I'm not sure. Something's going on - and I don't know what - but I'm not sure I would call it depression. Have you spoken with any professional about it?

One does not have to be skinny to have an eating disorder. Eating disorders are in the mind. Perhaps that is what you are facing.

No I haven't spoken to anyone about it - even my husband. He knows I'm not comfy with my body at all - I won't go naked in front of him - I even wear clothes when we're intimate. *blush* sorry,tmi.

I also struggled with binging/purging for a year about 10 years ago - eating till I ached and then forcing myself to throw it all up - at least once a day. I was only 10-20 pounds overweight until I had my children and I did have ppd (not diagnosed) after my first son. Since then I've never lost the weight.

Go to your doctor and request blood tests. Have your Vitamin D, thyroid, fasting blood sugar levels tested. Also, it wouldn't hurt to have a three hour glucose tolerance test done.

Vit D deficiency will make you feel "blah" about the world. Thyroid issues will mimic depression in certain cases. You'll read that online, and I can vouch for its accuracy.

If you're only talking with your hubby daily, that may be adding to the feelings of isolation. When it warms up, take the kids to the park and strike up conversation with some of the other moms there. (If you're on a tight budget, that one's no cost!!) Consider joining a book of the month club or a dinner club of some sort--they're just excuses to ditch the kids and the hubby for an evening or two a month.

Good luck.

I'm happy for you in that you are aware that there's something wrong and you truly want to set things right with yourself. Personally, I've always believed that self-awareness is the first step to healing. I can relate to the feelings of guilt and obsessing over things. Maybe it would help a lot if you saw a professional to help you overcome these challenges.