Um, I'm not sure if this is okay to post because I know sensitive issues are discouraged, but this is a big issue for me so I hope if someone doesn't like it they'll be polite enough to leave it be.
I have a girlfriend. A really beautiful, skinny and fit girlfriend. And she doesn't like that I'm overweight.
This is a really hurtful position to be in, especially since I'm already clinically depressed with severe social anxiety. Of course it's bad enough when your significant other doesn't like how you look, but when it's another woman, there's that.. ...direct comparison, right there. You can put us side by side and compare us as women.
Recently she broke up with me over it, then agreed to give it another try, but I've been feeling physically ill with worry over it. Of course, I don't blame her for being honest when I asked her to be. I just... feel bad about myself, I guess.

The only lifestyle argument I'll make is that being back in a relationship with a person who breaks up with you because of your looks doesn't sound like a good lifestyle.

Do you love her? Do you feel better around her? Does she love you? As Oprah (or was it Dr. Phil?) would ask - are you better off with or without her? Inappropriate partners are inappropriate partners - regardless of gender.

Are you in treatment for your depression and anxiety? I know that complicates stuff in terms of making good decisions about relationships (for me anyway) so maybe talking with someone would help, too?

And heartache is heartache, regardless of gender, too. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Love is love. Please do not stress about your weight loss take it one day at a time and do it for yourself not your partner. She will see the efforts you are making but pounds won t drop by magic overnight, have faith in your relationship and discuss your plan so she knows you mean to get to your goal. Good luck

Thank you for your support, guys. I was really nervous after posting.
I am in therapy and on medication for my issues - it's been a problem since I've been a kid. I deal with it better now than I used to, but I'm still working on actually being happy and content.

I would not want to be with someone who broke up with me over how I looked. I want to be loved and accepted for who I am. I hope you do what is best for you.

((hugs))

I totally understand where you're coming from. My significant other is also a woman and while she is no fitness nut, I do think it is harder when you have a direct comparison with your partner.

For years, my best friend was in a relationship with someone who hated that she was overweight; he was was totally into fitness and healthy foods and being super fit. No matter how many times she tried to lose weight for him, it was never enough. I watched for years as she struggled through those issues and it still affects her. I think you're going to have to speak to your girlfriend about respecting your issues and your own choices regarding your weight. If she can't handle it....are you sure she is really the right person for you?

Hi Ratheart - I share your lifestyle, and I can 100% relate to what it is like to compare yourself to other women. I think that is an astute observation on your part. During my single days I sometimes asked myself "do I want to be WITH her, or BE her?" It can all get rather confusing!
I have also struggled with depression in the years past. Of the three issues you noted- depression, social anxiety, and weight loss, it is really the first one that stands out to me the most. Though I can only speak to my experience, I know that I wasn't the best girlfriend when I was sick. I guess what I am trying to say is, maybe it wasn't your weight at all? Maybe she just didn't/doesn't know how to be with someone who is having a rough time, but couldn't/didn't want to articulate that? My advice - Get happy and secure in yourself and your relationship to the world. Focus on your mental health, which could include respecting yourself by eating healthy, nourishing food. Maybe weight loss will follow, maybe it will not, but either way you will be in a better place in life.

I have a different lifestyle than you do, but I would not want to be with ANYONE who based our relationship on how I look. DUH! What about my mind? What about the fact that I am brilliantly creative and can cook like an iron chef? What about my amazing sense of humor. Yes, I want to be thinner, but if I had to choose between being fat and smart or skinny and stupid...I'd just keep eating junk food ;-)

I have to believe that you have wonderful assests which have nothing to do with how much you weigh, and you deserve to find someone who will love you for those things (which are waaay more important when the lust part of any relationship cools off) and not someone who only cares about how you look.

I say dump her and find someone you deserve. If you want to lose weight or learn to paint or taking a ballroom dancing class or go to motorcycle maintenance school, then do it for YOURSELF. But never because of what someone else thinks!

Hugs to you!

Barb

That is a really tough situation, and I'm sorry you are going through it.

I guess for me it would in some part depend on what the reasoning behind breaking up with you over the issue of your weight was. If it was (honestly) because of feeling concerned for your health / well-being, that's one thing, even if the method of expressing said concern seems misplaced to me. If it was purely because of looks / physical attraction, it's a lot harder... it is of course true that physical attraction plays a role in a close relationship, so if she's struggling with that it would certainly make the relationship difficult. But like the others said, is staying with her really the best option if that's the case?

I certainly don't have my own (rather different) relationship issues settled to my liking by any means, but I do have some recent experience with "worrying myself sick" over them. This fall I reached a breaking point with my (for all intents and purposes) boyfriend, and told him that I needed a break. The following day, my health went to ****. Presumably as a result of stress / relief of stress from finally taking action about the relationship, but I broke out with eczema / hives / rashes all over my body that led to uncontrollable scratching even while sleeping (when I could sleep, which I was managing for about an hour at a time!) And then that led to skin infections, which led to me taking antibiotics that whacked up 3 other systems...... It settled down eventually, after about 3 weeks of ****. So.

Whatever steps you need to take to keep yourself from stressing yourself sick about it, do. I'm sure you must love / care deeply about your partner, but you need to think about yourself too. Keeping yourself as healthy as possible, mentally, will probably be better for both of you in the long run.

your partner should love for you not what you look like that sounds shallow i would not put up with it you deserve better xx

This is a tough one because when we feel anxious about being criticized or judged or feel valued for what we look like more than who we are... Sounds a bit like a toxic situation for you, no?

I too hope you do what's best for you. ((hug))

If your partner broke up with you once because of her narrow view of your appearance, can you truly relax and be comfortable around her now that you know? You say that you "don't blame her for being honest," but think about how she was honest. Was she as kind as possible? Was she ashamed of her own shallowness? Was she mean? Was she committed to getting healthier with you (just because she's fit and thin doesn't mean she can't join you on jogs in the park)?

It's hard for me not to feel a little judgmental about people who tell their partners that they no longer like the way they look. Everyone's appearance will change over time, and some unlucky people will have a drastic appearance change due to illness or accident. No one can predict what the hot guy/gal they're dating is going to look like in ten years or even one.

And if the person's appearance hasn't changed drastically, well...hel-LO, if he/she knew the individual was fat/thin/had spots/was balding when they started dating why would he/she expect a change now? That's just cruel.

I hope you use this as incentive to be exceptionally kind to yourself. You need some kindness in your life, because what you heard--however honest--was unkind. Whether you decide to stay with her or not, take care of yourself; you deserve a healthy body regardless of its appearance or of other people's narrow opinions on it.

i'm so sorry that you were made to feel like you weren't good enough. that's straight up awful.
my two cents: a partner should make you feel like you can achieve anything, inspire you, and make you feel really good about yourself. not sick or ill with worry. yes, all relationships have ups and downs, but it does not sound like being in this relationship is doing much for your depression. honestly, it's probably bringing you down more so.
true friends and partners in life will accept us for who we are, inside and out, and they'll help us along the way through the rough times. if she approached you and asked you to get healthy because she was worried about your health and maybe began exercising with you or was supporting you in some way on your journey to get healthy, then that's a different story. but it sounds like it's from a place of vanity, since she flat out broke up with you over it. that's not cool.
i would seriously re-evaluate this situation. is this person really going to inspire me to live a healthy lifestyle? am i respecting myself by being with someone who does not entirely accept me?
again i'm really sorry that you have to go through this, and i'm sure both of you being women adds complexity to the situation. hugs to you hun

Regardless of lifestyle, everyone deserves someone who makes them feel better, not worse. I hope you can find that in the future; I think it sounds like your current partner might not be a good fit for you. Whatever you decide to do, just remember that you ARE worth it!