Well, I am new here and found this site somehow by mistake and maybe it was a good sign because I have been reading around here and everyone is so supportive!

Anyway, long story(kinds) short: weight issues my whole life. Got diagnosed with depression in Jan '09 and given Wellbutrin; started Weight Watchers a few days later. BAM! Lost 35 pounds in 6 months-which brought me to 184 I was SO excited because that made me halfway to goal plus I wanted to be a leader because I was such a shining star and inspired a lot of people on my journey. Well, over time, Wellburtin stopped working, got a higher dose, still no luck. Fell off the wagon with WW because I had no more desire for anything. Yet I can't say COMPLETELY: I still drank water, I still tracked but I was careless with my food choices , I stopped going to meetings. Fast forward to this past June , started WW again at 197 pounds. Again, was uninspired and unfocused. So here I sit at 210 pounds. Yep. I have gained about 30 pounds in a year. To say that I hate myself is an understatement. I feel like such a fat ugly person and I don't even like to go to work anymore. Part of me is DEEPLY ashamed that I have gained it all back and yet pat of me doesn't care anymore. I know this has to do with the depression and I have to get another med that will work. I am still on Wellburtin and have tried Prestique and Lexapro and had BAD side effects. But in the meantime I just don't know how to go about life anymore. I mean I tell myself that even if I am fat, I am still the same inside. I haven't dated in a long time because I feel gross...I mean who would want me? Everyone says to join groups or clubs....sure if I had the energy, but I don't. I get home from work and crawl into bed and watch TV at night. My job is horrible and stressful so I know that is not helping the situation either...and yes, I am looking every day for a new one. I mean still do things by myself: movies, tours,etc. but it's hard. Also, to make matters worse I used to be a HIGHLY social person. I did theatre, I sang and my weekends were always full. Now I have more or less isolated myself and became total opposite of what I was. I started WW yet again last month, lost 2 pounds the first week and thought "ok, I'm BACK" and proceeded to GAIN the following 3 weeks despite following the program so I have given up at this point. I just hate myself for letting myself go. I could have been at goal weight by now.

I've had to deal with depression, so I know what you're talking about. In my darkest moments, I thought the way that you did.

I don't know what will make it finally click for you, but I was never on medication. I treated my depression holistically, through diet and exercise. Mostly exercise!

I know that when you feel like this, it's hard to do something that's good for yourself.

Are you going to therapy? Do you have a friend or family member that will force you to work out (even if it's just a walk for 30 minutes every day)?

I think as you start to work on this, both with doctors (to get a prescription to something that does work and therapy) and with your support system, you'll get back on the wagon.

*hugs*

I have suffered from depression most of my life. (I am 45). I have tried numerous prescriptions drugs and they would work for awhile, and then I'd be back to where I started.

What I have found in the last 3 years is that I am an absolute sugar junkie. An addict. It makes me fat and depressed. In the year & 1/2 of my weight loss, I ate sugar maybe 2 or 3 times. It was the only time in my life my depression went completely away without ANY drugs. Outdoor vigorous excercise also helped tremendously. The last several months I have painstakingly tried numerous times to add sugar back into my life...you know, in moderation. HA!, doesn't work for me. I feel the back hole whizzing dangerously close to my well being when I fall off the wagon very often. For me, sugar is what makes me depressed. When I stay away from it I'm great. When I start eating it often I'm a mess. It screws me up.

Maybe if you STOP eating all forms sugar for one month things will change. Give it a shot. It's free, and it definitely won't "hurt" you. The only side effects would be weight loss, and possibly a bad week of withdrawal. What do you have to lose?

Just want to let you know that I am pulling for you!! I know how it feels to become overwhelmed from so many sources and things spiral out of control.

I really liked Lori's suggestion of just trying 1 thing -cut out sugar and see if that helps. Some people are able to take on all kinds of challenges at once, I find that smaller goals -like taking a walk each day for a week and then adding another small change the following week is more manageable.

The point is,you haven't totally given up or you wouldn't have reached out here -so take 1 more step and see if you can get the wheels in motion to improve your life -you deserve it!!

You are not alone in negative feelings about your body - we have all been there, and that's why we are here! I'm glad you took the time to actually sign up and write a post. It makes me feel better to know there are others out there who are struggling to start (or RESTART as I am, and as many of us are).

It sounds like you could use some more intensive support in addition to online support. Were you receiving counseling in addition to having a prescription for Wellbutrin? I saw a counselor for a while and it really helped.

You said you had success with Weight Watchers. Maybe try going to a meeting. Seeing others with similar needs, seeing them in person, may help a bit. You will not be the only one there who fell off the wagon after previous success - they are there to help with that!

Is there a chapter of Overeaters Anonymous in your area? I haven't tried it because I live in a very rural area, but I have heard good things about it.

Keep posting, I am enjoying this site and I hope you will, too.

Thanks so much for the replies, you guys!

I wasn't seeing one before but I am trying to find a therapist-it's not easy to do, unfortunately. I found one a few months ago but she was an older woman (seriously, like around 70) and I didn't feel comfortable with her. When I told her that I feel so fat , she said "You really are not that big at all" and maybe I am weird but I don't want a therapist telling me that because that's what my friends would say, ya know? I just didn't click with her so I am still searching.

I did go back to WW last month but since I haven't been doing well, I got discouraged and stopped. I hate that I can't get the motivation to stick to it like I did before. And it's like I know the program, can tell you what to eat, what to avoid,etc. but it's a matter of me doing it ALL the time, you know?

Well, as you can tell from my screen name, I am a candy junkie LOL! So sugar is my weak spot. I am nowhere near as bad as I used to be and the reason I liked WW is because I could have it when I wanted. Now maybe once or twice a week I will have a peppermint patty or a hershey bar. Soda is my other thing so I am trying to cut that down. I normally have one diet coke a day and now I haven't had any soda since Friday, which is a long time for me.

I guess when I look at things, I could be a binge/emotional eater. I mean, I won't sit and eat a pint of ice cream or bag of chips in one sitting, but I can easily munch on stuff and finish in a day so I have stopped buying trigger foods. But I do slip up and buy them and then next thing I know I ate the whole thing and I feel guilt. Then depressed. And, well, you know the circle.

I am on my own with this so I have no one to really be on my (big) butt all of the time to excersize,etc. and I wish I had the physical energy to even take a short walk after work but I don't-and now that's it gets dark at 5pm, it's not making it easier. And like I said, my job really doesn't help either. It's such a negative, uninspiring atmosphere and never any thing positive.

Hopefully once I can find a therapist it will help things along. I think a part of it is that my self-esteem is so low and I feel like I don't even deserve to be happy anymore. I think that is why I binge, too: because I don't like myself very much. I wish I could just be positive but I can't say that I have anything going for me.

Hopefully hanging around these boards will help me!

It sounds like you have a clear headed understanding of things. Use it to treat yourself well, including forgiving yourself when you need to!

HUmmm... didn't you say WW was not working for you anymore? You join/start and quit? You can't get into it like you did at one time? Could this POSSIBLY be because you start out fine, then you add that 1 Hershey bar or peppermint patty...then all **** breaks loose?

If you keep doing what you always did, you'll keep getting what you aways got. From what I get out of your post here cutting out sugar is not an option. It really is sad that you won't even consider it.

Hey Candyjunkie,
I think many of us can relate to that vicious cycle you describe. Lose, gain, get depressed - perhaps not in that order? I am in my 40's, and have been living that cycle for all of my adult life, going back to my teens. I do well for years, then suddenly, something derails me. Right now, I'm trying to figure out how to get back into the losing phase, and after that, how to stay in the thin, I feel so good phase ; ) !
It is easy to feel hopeless, but I'm sure you have the strength in you to lose the weight. Focus on the positive (and yes, I know ther is a lot of positive, even if you have to dig), treat yourself with respect, and you will find success. I will do the same

I have never, ever heard of a junkie you can better themselves and free themselves of the addiction, by letting in their drug of choice (in your case sugar) once or twice a week. If you ask me, therein lies your problem - to your weight, your lack of energy and your depression.

I too suffered with depression for decades and IMO, there is no better drug than getting to a healthy weight, exercise and eliminating sugar - completely. Every now and then doesn't do it. If you want the incredulous benefits, than you'll have to be fanatical about it. There is no other way. You can't sneak it in. You can't get away with it. It doesn't work that way. But like any drug, the anticipation of doing without it is waaaaaay worse than actually doing with out it. The sugar's got a grip on you. It's time to rid yourself of it. I am CERTAIN you won't regret it and wonder why you didn't do it earlier.

Why not commit to doing this for a mere 30 days? 30 days. You can do it. For sure. And then you can re-assess. 30 days. Isn't it worth a shot?

It's time to heal yourself. You don't have to live like this. There is a much better life out there for you. Right there. Go for it!!

Hi Candy,

I hope you are feeling a little better! As a former candy-monster, a depression sufferer (still on Lexapro) and fellow Chicagoan, I must also encourage you to try to give up the sugar for a bit and see how it goes.

I've lost 40 lbs this year following Jorge Cruise's Belly Fat Cure, which is a low sugar, moderate carb plan that is easy to follow. I'm not saying that it is the plan for everyone, as there are many lower sugar options, but giving up sugar gave me the ability to wake up refreshed in the morning and ready to go. I have much more energy and am so happy I gave it up.

Besides Belly Fat Cure, Sugar Busters and Gary Taubes' Good Calories, Bad Calories are excellent books to check out.

Good luck, I feel for you girl!!

I have suffered from mild depression on and off for as long as I can remember. Eating healthy and exercise have such a HUGE impact. I urge you to take the above advise and try a short period of time with out the refined sugars and go from there.

And for what it's worth, I have been taking a supplement called SAM-e. Its an amino acid. It's a little pricey and it took about two weeks for my digestive system to adjust and about a month for it to start working on my depression - but I haven't had a single episode of depression since I started it - EXCEPT for two weekends when I was away and forgot to take it for multiple days in a row. (Of course, I am not a Dr. - yadda yadda - and I am glad to hear you are looking for a new therapist; it sounds like the first one you tried just wasn't a good match.) But I am so thankful that I found something that helped me and wanted to mention it.

I used to feel fat and gross. Try losing some weight and you will feel so much better. I am not even half way through my weight loss but I feel totally renewed already. Find something you can stick with and LOSE WEIGHT! It will help with all your issues!

Thanks for the replies everyone!

I just wish I could like myself more because I know that if I did, I wouldn't abuse myself the way that do (food-wise). If I felt worthy of being happy and healthy, it would help. But I know that comes with time.

I found a therapist so I have an appointment on the 29th. I hope she works out.

I am going to try with the sugar-baby steps tho. First one day, then 2 and so on. I used to drink regular coke like a true addict-seriously at least a 6 pack a day if not more. I would wake up and open a can! So when I started WW I stopped cold turkey. Um yeah that wasn't a good idea. I really thought that I was dying, it was that bad. I went to my doc because I thought that I was coming down with a bad bug and after all seemed ok, he asked if I changed my diet or anything. Well, I told him about stopping the soda and he said for the amount that I drank, I should have not gone cold turkey and just gradually worked my way down because it would have avoided that huge crash of my system. Now of course the amount of sugar I intake now is not nearly as much but I know I will have withdrawl so I have to do it slow. I CAN do this, right?

You do have to recognize that there IS going to be a discomfort stage as you wean yourself off the sugar. There will be some uncomfortable moments. You just must push yourself through it. Push yourself through and get past it. There really is no other way.

You most certainly CAN do this. You are much more powerful than some food. The control is there. You've already got it. You've just got to start using it and start strengthening it.

I'm so glad you're going to see someone.

I look forward to hearing of your progress.