Anyone have advice about this? My usual response is some version on trying to think of something to say on the inside. Meanwhile, on the outside it's like talking to a wall. I think of excuses and why it's not true, or oh i didn't realize, but having trouble thinking of anything to say that shows i'm going to change what i need to. And if i think i don't need to change, what to say then? something has got to be better then just standing there like homer. 'doh!' and if i can think of anything to say, my throat is closing up making it hard to talk.

note- this is criticism about non weightloss related life most of the time. and the criticism is usually correct, i'm just not as honest with myself as other people are sometimes.

No advice for you.

I've been told that I immediately become defensive. It's only natural that we withdraw outwardly. I think most of us have spent far too long being told what's wrong with us and if we'd only _____ we'd be likable, better, more valued, etc.

Personally, I'm tired of hearing about what's wrong with me and the things I do. No one ever seems to have anything positive to say. If I wanted to have a conversation like that, I'd call my mother.

lol! so true lol. thankfully my mom isn't so mean like that.

the comments aren't said in a mean way. it's to help me be a better person. a better mom, most recently. i'm getting a little better about getting defensive by not saying all these excuses, or apologizing which doesn't help either but both make me sound like a 9 year old. but now i just say nothing. that might be worse, idk.

One time when someone gave me unsolicited advice (which they may have called constructive criticism) I asked them to please ask me if I would like some feedback on something before just providing their advice. That way, if I said yes, I'd like some feedback, I'd be the right place to receive it and not feel caught off guard and defensive. That also gives you the right to say, no, thank you.

If you don't feel comfortable with what the other person is saying I would definitely speak up or walk away from the person--the same as you would if they said something completely inappropriate. I had to do this last week because a dumb diddly actually made a racially biased comment to me--I just got up and walked away and felt good about my decision--still do right now.

If the thoughts are well intentioned just say, "I know you are coming from the right place and I KNOW already you are right but I would rather you not give me advice." Period. Make no apologies. State it and move on.

well it's not just a random person. he's my partner. we've been together for many years. he has to be honest with me, i don't 'see' these things myself, or i do, but do nothing about it. telling him i don't want to hear it isn't really an option. i've just noticed that there's this long trend of my behavior. i need to work on something, we talk about it, me getting all defensive, possibly depressed, when i eventually change soon or much later than i needed to, we're all better for it. examples- improving our house cleaning bc i'm the product of a parent that doesn't even see clutter, this weightloss journey right now wouldn't have even happened i might be 250 lbs right now. it goes on and on, but that's the general idea. if this seems a bit one sided, it is, not much he needs to improve on. he seems to be good at everything, topic for another day lol.

it's not really like he's nit picking, everything is bad about me. just working on 1 thing to improve. not everything at the same time. i'm just not sure how to change my reaction, my thinking. i thought maybe if i thought about what to say when i have trouble responding, maybe i could remember it when that situation comes up again.

If I truly believe it's meant to be constructive criticism and not just endless picking at me, I usually respond with a vague "hmm...I'll have to think about that" and then I do. If I decide it's rubbish I toss it. If I come to realize it's a valid point and something I'd like to change about myself then I try to make the corrections.

The important thing is that it acknowledges the comments (criticisms) while giving you some time and space to actually think it over and process the initial "sting" that comes with even helpful criticism.

i guess i'll try to explain that i can't think of anything useful/productive to say at that time. only non helpful excuses or other thoughts. maybe at a later time we talk about it or i try to change the behavior. maybe over time i won't feel so defensive/in shock about things. it's not everytime. and talking about it later isn't a solution either, especially with my procrastination mentality. but if all i can think about is defensive thoughts, then i guess that's the best i'll be able to do. it's better than saying i'll change whatever it is, without really thinking about what that means and commiting to it.

i just have to be more open with communication period. anytime something is wrong i just shut down and don't want to talk.

I don't like to be wrong, or in the wrong. If I'm called on something, the first thing that happens is shame, that I've been caught being wrong. Quickly behind that is embarrassment, defensiveness, and lashing out. I have been known to bite the head right off of my SO before, about the same topic. Our child.

We are partners in raising her, but the duties are not shared equally. He has dad duties, I have mom duties, never the twain shall meet. When he starts fussing at me about dd's tooth brushing, bathing, cleaning up her messes, my first response is: Are your arms broken? If he doesn't like the way our night time routine goes, he can step in and handle some of those issues himself.

There are biggies that I feel like we HAVE to agree on, such as discipline. We have to have rational conversations, each person has to listen to the other's perspective, and try to come to some sort of compromise. But if it's clearly nit-picking, I have little patience for it.

Not sure I'm very helpful today, but do know that I know where you're coming from, and no idea how to change it. . .

I've never met anyone who takes kindly to "constructive criticism" after all, it's still criticism and just because the person dishing it out thinks it's constructive doesn't mean it is.

Well it depends on why you have a hard time...

For me - I tend to not be able to really wrap my head around a piece of constructive criticism unless there is a specific example...so I ask for that and sometimes people can provide that info

So rather than saying: you are bad at thing x. I ask people to give me an example of a time I was bad at thing x AND how they think I could have been better.

This really helps me understand.

thanks for the feed back. i do feel a bit of shame when i'm 'wrong` too. there sre times we debate who is wrong, but that's rare. it's always with specific examples. generally important topics, discipline of the kids or other topics. sometimes it's a tad un nessasary having to do with how i answered the phone the other day. i was a little rude. but it's the important topics that throw me. get all shocked, defensive. i tend to want to sweep it under the rug, pretend it's all better. he needs the issue 'resolved'. it's taken many years of learning to grasp that concept. clearly resolving the confict is healthier. my family has a history of arguing constantly with ulcers.