oh jeez guys, thanks for all the replies.
@Matt, I have ABSOLUTELY done that, a few times. I'm so freaked out for people to even suspect that I would eat that much food, so I try to phrase it as if it's two seperate orders, or I'll even go so far as to get two drinks. Jeez. Isn't it crazy how our brains work sometimes?
at least we're aware of it now and you've obviously learned how to overcome it. You look great!
I'm munching on some Steamers Broccoli and Cheese--I could do without the cheese, but I feel great because a few days ago it would have been macaroni and cheese or, worse, a whole cheese pizza. Little steps
We have been making trips between where we live and our hometown (about 300 miles) all month because my boyfriend is doing a big haunted house up there. Every weekend we go up, on our way home we stop somewhere and get food. Well, today we both kind of shrugged it off and kept moving, and it was fabulous even though I'd already planned what healthy thing I would get wherever we went (can't stop the compulsive thoughts, just redirect them so far haha). Yesterday, I had pizza because it was easy for five of us, but didn't have dessert, and then we went to an antique auction where they served some veggies and cheese and meatballs, snack food. I had a small plate and a glass of punch. After that, we went to this wonderful restaurant that I LOVE and that is only in our hometown, Aretha Frankenstein's (they're famous for their pancakes, and the local grocery stores sell a mix of their recipe). Not only did I NOT get pancakes OR a buritto, I satisfied myself with two expensive, yummy non-fat cafe lattes with splenda and four shots of espresso each (yikes right? I thought it was only three, and that was a crazy amount) I didn't even have a beer. I can probably attribute the coffee to why I felt utterly terrible this morning and was much more eager than normal to pass up the fast food.
But again, small victories. I already feel great. I've planned out my food for the day and I'm still way under calories (around 800). I feel totally safisfied with what I've already had to eat today, and it's already nearly 3pm. I DON'T feel quite as bloated, miserable, depressed, stressed out, etc. I spent most of the car-ride home thinking about how I'm going to be able to remind myself when I'm in the throes of a binge cycle how I feel now. All of your suggestions are very helpful, and I am going to start applying them regularly, but what I know about myself is that I can have the greatest plan in the world, and if something triggers me it all blows away in the wind. I know I should go for a job instead of binging, but I have no desire to apply that knowledge and save myself. So I guess what I'm really working on this time around is learning about myself as I go, identifying triggers and trying to discover why they are so strong, and how I can approach them with indifference or at least control. I think therapy will really help me discover these things, as well as all the wonderful help available here at 3FC.
@sandyfaunny- I can't quite make the commitment to only eat with other people, because I'm usually running between classes or at home doing tons of reading for school during the day, while my boyfriend is working. These times I just have to be alone because I have to concentrate and work, but I know definitely that that is a trigger time for me. I can plan my meals more around my boyfriend's break, so that we eat together (I sometimes eat before he gets home and then with him ugh). But even deeper than that, I'm going to try to learn to enjoy the feeling of being alone and in control, because I do get a panicky restless feeling when I'm alone (even though I very much enjoy 'me time') that drives me to obsess and eventually go out and binge or just go to the kitchen to binge. I really want to work on figuring out why.
THis has been very long and all about me, so kudos to any of you who actually made it to the end haha. I'm trying to keep myself accountable, and I'm probably going to search out a good accountability group on the boards. I'm also trying to figure out how to get back into my blog, which I haven't used for several months (oops). THank you all so much for reading, and for the great advice. I'm so excited to be headed back in the right direction again (especially since I weighed in this morning at my all-time high, TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE POUNDS! There, now the world knows. I have to do something about it.