I just needed to cry on your shoulders alittle bit here

Yesterday I took some "before" shots with me in just my sports bra and panties. I was just updating my blog and was this | | close to posting them as some motivation (like if they are out in the world it will somehow push me farther to stay on track) but as soon as I opened up the folder and looked at them I just was in shock and heartbroken with myself.

duh I know I am fat. But I don't think I realized I looked like that. I am still contemplating if I should post them or not. I look so horrible. and I know that is why I am doing this and I will change and lose the weight and I won't be like that forever but still idk it just sucks.

(side question- do you post your before (or even after) pics clothed or in bra/panties or a swimsuit though not much different really lol? on blogs or forums?))



Ok also my other problem is that I am horribly bored. I don't work right now. I am a bit agoraphobic I have panic attacks and leaving the house is really hard for me. Seriously it takes a peptalk and all the energy I have to build myself up to take the trash out side. and I have to check to make sure no one else is outside first. omg someone might see me!

Last year when I had lost 20lbs I was working part time and was doing so well I was actually taking walks daily. It wasn't easy but I was doing it.

But now I have gained it back plus some and we moved and I am not working. I don't drive (driving + panic attacks = not too good lol). My husband works 10-12+ hour days. I know no one at all here at all. So I am just sitting inside my tiny apartment all day with my cats.

Before I would play computer games but they lead to bad patterns for me as in i sit there for hours and don't realize it before my whole day is gone lol. So I am trying to stay away from those for now.

Writing all this it seems obvious I need some hobby. But with my panic attacks it just makes it so much harder. We don't have like public transportation like buses here I think (idk I did just move here but haven't seen anything) and nothing is really all too close either.

I am trying to get more into exercising again before I even try to take a walk. I am doing WATP videos. I just started again yesterday. I have the whole mentality that omg I am so out of shape I don't want nayone to see me hacking out of breath trying to walk down the street. And omg it sure doesn't help that the street we live on is a dead end that turns into a ginormous hill to get down - i can imagine trying to walk back up it to get home and it is not a pretty thought lol

idk this is just me whining lol but thanks for listening

Aww

I know how you feel, but if you don't feel comfortable enough about posting these pictures just keep them for yourself now and when times comes you can show a before and after or in progress pictures, this will be something to look forward to. It is just my opinion, do whatever you think it fits for you and only what you feel comfortable with.

You can always search online for some near by activities that you can do, or find some diet buddies to cheer you up as well, it always a good thing. I do panic sometime when I see a reflection of me in the elevator mirrors and I think to myself, what the heck am I doing here out of the house? lol but after that few seconds it goes away and you move on with your life, but that only my case, you might have it strong so I hope you get over it soon, first learn to accept yourself and appearance and hopefully you will get over it.

I wish you all the best.

Hugs!

I took Before photos clothed and won't put them up until I have After photos to go with them. And, then, I'll probably just put them up here, not on my blog where I'm not anonymous.

I'm at home, but not agoraphobic, so ignore any of my suggestions that seem to out there for you -- or better, yet, work your way up to them in baby steps.

Do you have a south-facing window? Growing some herbs could be very rewarding. You can even get seeds and pots on-line, although going to a nursery for pots and plants would be a quicker start.

Even without a south-facing window, you can grow sprouts. I get my seeds from Sprout People. They sell sprouters, too.

How about using your computer skills to explore your new location on-line? There may be sites for tourists. You could use Google Maps and/or Google Earth to learn your new location before you ever step foot outside. You can use the phone book to identify shops and restaurants, then see if they have web sites.

Find the local library's web site! (I'm a librarian). They may be able to pull books and videos for you so that sometime when you're out with your husband you can just run in and pick them up. Some libraries even have delivery services.

Do you have Netflix? I use the Watch Instantly tab for exercise videos and television shows.

Do you like to write? How about keeping a journal? How about writing short stories or essays? NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month, is a few short months away -- I'm already preparing for it! You could be, too.

Yay for using WATP to get yourself to exercise. Exercise is a great at soothing away problems and boosting energy. Great choice!

I was not courageous enough to take pictures in a state of undress. It was hard enough to look in the mirror.

I don't think you should post the pictures. Once they are out in cyber space, what happens to them is beyond your control. I have posted fully clothed before pictures and do have a nightmare image of seeing them as the illustration of one of those "obesity epidemic" article. You have seen the pictures. Usually it is the large rear end of someone walking down the street.

I wouldn't post the pictures either. Instead, post the after pictures, however long it takes you.

I think you've posted on the board about agoraphobia before and I've responded. I have agoraphobia too and I know that it's a daily battle. I was never housebound, but for awhile I was afraid of all forms of public transportation (I don't drive), which almost cost me my job. And briefly I would panic while walking far from home. Those were terrible times.

Agoraphobia is fed through avoidance. Since you lost your job, you now have no reason to leave your house. I strongly suggest you get a daily "walk" outside. Start by stepping outside of your apartment and feel the breeze on your face. It's important to not rush back inside until the panic subsides. That feeling of relief that comes when the panic lessens teaches you that panic goes down.

This kind of workout is as important as doing aerobics inside. It is stretching your comfort zone. And the larger your comfort zone becomes, the freer you'll be.

As for my agoraphobia, I am doing well. I took the subway to Brooklyn recently and was a passenger on a highway (highways for me are the worst). And as I've reported on the board, I flew in an airplane in June, which is hugest accomplishment of all. I think it's a miracle.

I did it with baby steps. Lots and lots of baby steps.

Good luck.

I know how you feel. I avoided mirrors for so long that when I finally decided to lose weight and began to really look a myself, I was horrified.

I did post clothed before(ish) pictures once I had lost about 10lbs and around 190 I took some in some (form fitting) workout clothes. Never did get up the nerve to post them. Thinking about taking more in the same kind of clothes to post. I still dislike how I look but I think it would be good motivation. But I would only post them in my journal, where only my friends have access to see them. I'm not keen on posting ANY pictures just out there where anybody could see them or do whatever with them.

Gosh... you're afraid to go outside, but you want to post photos of yourself in your underwear on the internet???

Don't post them. Keep them somewhere just for yourself, so you can look at them as a reminder. It's no one else's business what you look like in your underwear, unless it's a close friend. A really close friend!

Good luck with finding some fun things to do! The WATP sounds good. Do you have FitTV? They have exercise programs most of the day.

Jay

I have my "before" pictures I took and are now on a blog. However... I'm fully clothed. I'll be fully clothed in all of them. There is no way I'm posting pictures of myself (before OR after) not fully clothed. Swimsuit... maybe. But definately not in my underwear.

Thanks all of you so so much for your advice and support. It does help alot.

I think my biggest thing is just that I did so amazingly well before. From taking the walks everyday to actually getting on a plane all by myself traveling from New York to Texas to visit my family.

and now I am back to that dark place again. and want to beat myself up for it. Which doesn't help anything. I am just trying to change and it is scary.


Thanks motivated chickie congrats on your accomplishments that is amazing And very inspirational to me thank you! You are right it is baby steps. I didn't do it overnight before but I did do it and I can again.


gardenerjoy thanks such great advice I love plants so much. I have a dream of a huge garden. But I have a black thumb. I sadly murder every plant I have had. I finally decided to try again and recently bought this beautiful bonsai that I am keeping right outside. So far it is still alive lol. Two of my neighbors have tons of plants and flowers right outside their apartments and I am jealous.

Getting a little container garden would help getting me outside and give me something to do and focus on & omg I could even grow herbs and veggies maybe but I am terribly afraid of killing them all.

Any advice on for someone just learning to not kill plants? lol

Really thank you everyone so much it gave me alot to think about

i have taken before pictures and also pictures throughout the weight loss.. and they're all in my underwear. I could really care less if someone i know sees them, they're not sexual in nature so i don't see anything wrong with it.


but, i hope your agoraphobia improves. i can't really relate, but it must be hard.

Grow basil! It's very easy and satisfying. Plus, pesto freezes well so you can enjoy your crop well into the winter.

Rosemary is slightly pickier than basil (you have to worry about overwatering which is hard for me) but I've had a lot of luck with it and it's so good with potatoes.

Mint is so easy to grow that you have to grow it in a container or it will take over your whole yard!

I've successfully kept those three herbs alive over the winter, so if you were able to start plants now, you could bring them in for the winter and put them out again in the spring. If you eat to much of them over the winter, you'll have to start with new plants in the spring, but one herb plant costs about the same as a package of fresh herbs, so if you only use it a few times it's already paid for itself.

Growing sprouts is easy and only takes a few days, so there's not much to kill, there!

I know how you feel. I took some pictures yesterday and planned to use one as a profile pic, but after I looked at the photos I cried. I know I'm not thin anymore, but didn't realize how heavy I really look.

Just concentrate on how well you are doing and don't worry about pictures for the moment.

It is difficult for me to leave the house too. I rarely go into stores anymore because I'm afraid of having a panic attack. Plus I have seizures and have had them in public as well which is embarrassing.

I hope you feel better.

i understand agoraphobia, as i have a touch of that, but mostly social phobia. the agoraphobia doesn't hit until i am faced with a large crowd--then i feel trapped. being in a tunnel, or being on a bridge makes me feel the same way.

The social phobia was/is a nuisance. Sweaty hands/underarms, shaky voice, trembling limbs, JUST from being in front of people. and so scared that i will JUST embarass the **** out of myself. I pray through it SOMETIMES i just get mad.

like KNOCK IT OFF body. I WANT to be here. I want to be IN FRONT of people. Sometimes i just throw myself out there so i don't have a chance to back down--that really is the best method for me. then i realize it is not as bad as i thought it would be.

since i knew my problem, i had a chance to desensitize myself to it, being in the nursing program and going on clinicals REALLY tested those fears.

i agree, the more avoidance you have--the more it will grow. Go outside and take baby steps. walk around your lawn first. once you feel like you can handle that much, walk around your house, then progress to walking down the street.

no one said you had to go out of your house and go to a concert. Just LITTLE steps right now. it is very important for your health. i hope like me you see it is NOT as bad as you imagine it.

don't worry I totally get why you can think about showing pictures on the net, BUT NOT go out in public. the net is sort of a safety NET for those afraid of public places.

if you are not ready, keep them to yourself, when you get ready to post some progress pics they will be valuable and motivate you more.

ive never really heard of agoraphobia before, so i have a question: is your phobia a result of your weight (like, you dont want to be in public cuz you dont want people to see the fat you) or is it just a problem cuz its a hindrance to weight loss?
im just curious and figured i would ask

i cant say i relate, but this is my tidbit to add;

i once read a magazine article about a woman who had lost like 200+ pounds. when telling her story, she said that when she first began exercise, she would get up at 430am and go on a short walk thru a nearby cemetery. nobody was awake at that time, and nobody in the cemetery was going to judge her for her weight was her rational.
maybe something like that would work for you? i dont know where you live, and its not always safe to be walking around by yourself, but if people seeing you at your weight is your fear, maybe start by exercising where/when no onewill see you, but you are still getting outside.

just a thought. idk if its of any weight, since this is the first ive heard of your phobia and therefore im not really in any place to give advice on it.

what i can say tho is keep going, dont give us, cuz you are completely capable of conquering this phobia and the weight loss *hug*

Yeah it definitely feels safer online. I can talk my little heart out here like I would never do in real life lol. Actually most people online think of me in this totally different light then how I am really so weird lol.

Yeah I get mad too I just want to yell at myself like omg knock it off relax lol Like today I went to the mall with my husband. It is easier with him with me but still tough. I bought something and was like so paniced and feeling shakey it was tough but I did it. But then I decided not to eat at the food court because there was just way too many people and it was so loud. Which over all it was probably partly good since the food there was not so healthy lol but still ya know

hmm I think my weight plays a good sized (hehe) role in it but not the only one. It is a social panic disorder. I remember once talking to someone and they described it like some movie where there is a dream sequence and you are standing in your underwear and a huge crowed of people are all whispering/talking/laughing. You just feel like you have this spotlight on you and you can't hide so you start to panic. It is irrational. It isn't really happening but you feel like it is. But sometimes it is omg someone might talk to me even. or sometimes even you panic over the fact that you might panic

It started getting bad when I was a teenager. I started having the panic attacks. I had alot of depression over my weight and I also have PCOS which does not help with the weight and also causes some hair growth that makes it really tough on me to deal with. and then I was raped and that kindof sent me over the edge.

Last year I was still not doing 100% but so so different then right now. I was on medication prozac lol my happy pills I joked but the weight loss and also the exercise and better nutrition and confidence helped alot.

Yeah that is a great idea. Last year when I was walking I did it in the late morning/afternoon like between the hours of when people were at work before before like kids were getting out of school. So there were way less people and traffic out. I still had the hardest time crossing any busy roads. That sounds so crazy like I was some little girl who needed her hand held to cross the street but that was how I felt. Too many cars. too many people.

Right now it is summer kids our of school. and then in the early morning so many people are getting up and leaving for work. and then super early when it is dark I start to think about some crazy person jumping out of bushes. lol but yes I think I might try early morning walking. I should take full advantage of this last bit of summer before fall and then winter hits maybe that will be my goal. Little steps right down the street and back! We actually even have a small park a bit down the road (itty bitty small just like a corner of green lol) but maybe I can work up to go there and have a little picnic lunch!

bleh I wish more then anything I had a dog. I remember when I lived at home walking the dog made it a million times easier. Like the dog would give you something to focus on and love <3 and even more confidence as people would talk to you about the dog. and even in real life get me talking about my pets opens me up lol


Thank you so much that really means alot!

Thanks! I live in an apartment so all container plants for me. But on another forum people were discussing mint was great for apartment containers and easy too. So I am going to grab some of that and maybe tomatoes too I hear they are easy as well and omg I love tomatoes lol