I've been noticing more and more lately how crippling my fear of being in public is. That's the sad part—it's a fear of just existing in public. Not eating, not swimming, just being, and it really sucks. I hate feeling this way. When I pull into a parking lot and someone looks at my car, I want to disappear.

And forget about when I actually am doing something I perceive to be embarrassing; today my dad (who has cancer and needs to eat a ton of calories) wanted to go to Burger King, so I went with him and ordered a side salad and a Diet Coke. But even though I was eating salad, I felt humiliated the whole time, like everyone in the restaurant was judging me for being fat at Burger King.

I actually physically hide sometimes. A couple of weeks ago I was at Target looking for a workout DVD and I heard some male voices that sounded to be about my age (early 20s), and I walked out the back of the aisle and along the wall until I came out in the front of the store just because I was terrified for them to even see me.

It's exhausting, constantly feeling guilty for existing. I'm always trying to get out of peoples way and go unnoticed because I feel like people shouldn't have to look at me. But my question, I guess, is how much ARE they looking at me? Is everyone repulsed and offended by people who look like me? Or am I imaging some of the judgment?

I honestly dont think that people judge us as harshly as we judge ourselves. Actually some times I think we put alot of our insecurities on the way others percieve us. But wether their looking or not you know that your doing something to change youself and you have to learn to be happy with who you are now and who you will become. When people look just smile and keep it movin!

I hope this is true. The way I imagine people seeing me is out of control—I literally hear "voices" making fat jokes about me in my head. Like I imagine my friends talking about me behind my back or someone in line behind me at the story talking about me even though they aren't saying a word. I hate it, but I can't seem to stop.

Oh gosh, I really don't know the answer to your question, but I could have written your post. Before I got my car and had to walk somewhere, I constantly had to talk myself into it. I have to tell myself all the time that I live in this town and deserve to be able to walk down the street, but I cringe at the thought. I actually look out my windows to see if my neighbors are outside, and if they are I won't go get the mail or take the trash out. If I'm in a store and see people in an area I'd like to look at (food, clothing) I will walk around and come back when they are gone. If I am out I constantly look at people and cars and hope I don't run into someone I know. If I do see someone in the store I'll try to back away before they see me and I'll go to the other side and wait till they are gone. I keep saying I'd be content to just stay at home 24/7 if it were possible, cause it's the only place I don't feel I have to hide.

I know I have nothing to offer you in way of helping you stop feeling this way, but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.

aww yea i totaly can relate and understand to what your talking about. i have the same issues, sometimes it doesnt bother me so much but theres some days i literaly hide out..when i goto the grocery store i feel like the clerk thinks im going to eat all the food..i bought a sucker the other day for my nephew and the clerk sets it out by the cc machine like i was the one who was guna eat it and heaven forbid if i didnt eat the sucker right when i got out the store. i jus looked at her an threw the sucker into the grocery sack. but the paranoia I think its just what comes along with being overweight and self concsious at the same time..this is just my opinion, but its 2010 and everyone is so obsessed about looks..i know alot of people want to lose weight to be healthy but i think thats 2nd to the fact they want to look good first.. alot of us struggle with accepting ourselves because "fit, thin..normal people" (not all, but many) make us feel like we are on a level seperate of them...a lower level..that makes us feel unacceptable and not up to there standards. peple can be so hypocritical... just do your best to not let it get to you..let this just be another reason to push you forward on your weightloss journey! no one is better then you no matter what they say or how they make you feel..or what yourself is telling you, your deserve nothing but respect and love! hang in there okay!! just know your NOT alone!!!

Yea I totally agree, I've been hiding since school end like 5 yrs ago, I was pretty much alone and joined those online games to feel a lil better and have "social contacts" after 3 years I began to realize that I have to life my life at some point.. I mean I always worked but besides that I did nothing at all.. so that changed and when I felt good with myself people were actually talking to me on the street it was so wierd when I got asked for my number (happend once but hey everything counts) and he was a good looking guy..anyway ofc I didnt call him for that it wasnt enough (yet), since I lost my first 25lbs I feel much better about myself and I see the changes everywhere and I hope people can accept that and see that when they see me outside jogging its not to disgust them but to make me feel good and look good at some point.

And yes we are our worst enemy, till we get over that you will see, the world isnt always as bad as it seems.

I think many people would agree with your post. It is not only the humiliation we are subjected to from our peers in school but the way the media portrays fat, it is still okay to make fun of the overweight relentlessly. I myself as a overweight substitute teacher have had to grow a really thick skin. My reply to kids when they ask/tease me about my weight is to tell them the truth and own who I am. For instance they will ask me why I am so fat and I will reply that it is because I eat too much and I'm not active enough.
As for the being in public I can totally understand. I went to Wendy's the other day and had a chicken grill, side salad, diet coke, and low fat dressing and I felt embarrassed ordering it, like the girl at the till was thinking 'who is she kidding'. I am terrified of joining a gym but I have gotten over my swimsuit phobia for the sake of my daughter as she loves swimming in the lake and in the pool and is not old enough to go in on her own.
Also I have a good example of people not judging you as much as you think. I had a very nice co worker who I got along with really well. I am a size 28 and she is like a 14. One day when we were talking she honestly thought we wore the same size of clothing! That made me really think about how much other people are really looking and judging.

Maybe I have finally grown a thick skin to match the thickness of my fat layer or maybe it's because I have lost weight, but I care little what others think any more. If they say something within my hearing, I respond appropriately and without anger. If someone looks at me "funny", I assume they have their own body or self-image issues that they are dealing with and move on. It's enough for me to deal with my own body image issues without worrying what some complete stranger might think.

Life is too short, way too short, to care what complete strangers think and certainly to let their perceived opinions get in the way of me living my life to the fullest!

Aww, that is just so awful for you to feel that way. Like Sskar, I think I have a pretty thick skin these days. I'm still self-conscious at times, but I don't let anything stop me from doing what I want to do, and I am no longer hiding. This is not meant to offend anyone, but I think a lot of it comes with age. Being almost 40 now, I can't be bothered with what others think about me. I have had the time to find out an awful lot of good things about myself, and I am JUST as worthy of standing in the sunlight as anyone else.

My advice is to start to focus on what is wonderful about you, I'm sure there is PLENTY, and stop letting how much you weigh dictate how you feel about yourself. When you are out and about, you are concerned with how other people see YOU, and that's what most people are concerned with -- they are mostly thinking about themselves, what they are doing, how they look, etc.

So yes, I think you are imagining how much of an effect you have on the people you see in the store or at BK. Most people are just trying to live their own lives and be happy. And if every now and then you run across someone who is a little too worried about how YOU look, etc, know that there is some serious problem with them to be worried about what the h*e* LL you are doing and how you look!

99% of people don't look at MO folks and other people with disabilities. We walk through life invisible. There may be 1% who are verbally disgusted and might make some rude or judgmental comment, but I find they are very rare. Ask a person in a wheelchair about being invisible or how much eye contact is made with them in the mall. It's the same for morbidly obese people.

All in all, everyone is so into themselves that they normally don't look at what other people are doing or eating, or even what they put in their shopping carts.

Stop being afraid of those few rude people. Get out and live!

Hugs,
Ratkity

I've had to sort of deal with the "other people are looking at me" issue even before I was fat--I am tall, and everywhere I went, people were staring, little kids would say funny things, and so forth. I developed a set of standard responses to that. Strange, now that I'm fat (and I'm still the same height), not so many comments--I think Ratkitten is right about the obese being socially "invisible."

Now, maybe it's my age or my newfound sense of strength, but I'm at the place where I have no time or desire to spend my energy worrying or even thinking about potential negative reactions from other people. I hate, HATE the thought that someone might be seeing me fat, but here I am, and I am fat. I'm going to spend my time proactively fixing that situation. If (when!) people think or say ugly things, I'll deal with it and my life won't end. It's not pleasant, but it's not the worst thing I can imagine happening, either, you know?

I'm totally new here, but I've expereinced people staring at me before due to my weight. It used to make me angry, but then I posted something about it on the WW boards and someone told me to just smile back at them when I "catch" someone staring at me. From that day forward I started doing that and the majority of the time the person will smile back at me, which totally changed my outlook on the problem.

Yea I totally agree.

We must be connected or something. I actually have nightmares of just being in malls or having people I know from the net meet me for the first time. I'm no xenophobic, but I am a intravert through and through. I can't stand eyes going my way in any public forum, because it's easy to read what those eyes are saying. "She'd be hot if a massive fat-bomb hadn't exploded beneath her chin. Shame. Ewww, she probably stinks."

I know I dont go outside for people. But they sure are the reason I decline to a lot.

Hugs sent, I tend to always look at a person's face first, a smiling face is a beautiful face. Hang in there and own your body, it's no one elses business what size you are. :hugs:
These rude people who comment or make faces at you are not worth your time, they are a minority and have their own issues. Too bad their mamas didn't teach them manners.