Went to visit mother today. I have serious mother issues. She's a grand old stick but has always been determined to know every single thing I'm doing, thinking, eating, being. I keep weightloss programmes from her as the one thing that's mine, all mine. With an attitude like that, I'm glad I didn't develop anorexia. On the other hand, an overeating disorder is no fun either.

I did OK, not too defensive most of the time. Just as I was about to leave, she brought out lunch. I never eat lunch there, and she knows that but she produced it anyway. This is her control mechanism, passive bullying. I reviewed what was offered: tiny open face sandwiches. Not what I would have made but possible. The 3 I consumed wouldn't have as much as 1.5 ounces of bread to them. It seemed mean to say no to a very old person - but she admitted she knew I always said no lunch but wanted to do it anyway. So I felt cross with myself: this is the root of all my depression when it hits: that sense of powerlessness, knowing I'm being bullied, knowing that I'm doing what someone else wants and I don't but not knowing how to say no and hating myself for not knowing.

Onto the NSVs: She then produced 2 vanilla slices - puff pastry, custard, cream, frosting. There was no way I was going to eat one of them, and I thanked her kindly but said I wasn't that hungry. "But I got them specially for you. You used to like them." That's very kind but I'm not that hungry. "But they're for you". Smile.
NSV #1 At least part of lunch, I stood up for myself.

I drove back home still beating myself up for not saying no to the whole lunch. If I'd kept saying no to lunch, I'd have had to explain why. And my precious, my one thing would have been handed over to her. Wondering how many litres of water I'll have to drink to wash that wheat out of my system.

Walked into town thinking, I won't add to the lunch, although it was very tiny but I'll treat myself to a bigger dinner. I'll call in at the supermarket and get something really tasty. I was going to stay on plan but I was going to medicate my negative feelings with food nontheless.
NSV #2 I got home an hour later, 40 minutes of it walking briskly - and discovered that while I'd called at the supermarket for fruit and a fashion magazine, I'd totally forgotten about a medication steak!

I'd been to a shoe shop to check out Skechers Shape Up trainers. They're kind of like MBTs but cheaper. I told the assistant that I was just researching, I wasn't going to tip over that kind of money until I get to see the foot specialist - whenever that might be. She told me that they were good for posture, good for weightloss. Actually, I don't see how one trainer could be any better for weightloss than any other but I said Yup! That's why I'm looking at them. 52lbs down and getting there! And I could see her re-focus on me but
NSV #3 I could tell by the way she was talking to me that the assistant was talking about the weightloss and other benefits without embarrassment, as one normal person to another, not as though she was talking to this massive woman. I felt normal!!!!!

Oh and and - as I hung my coat up I saw this tiny jacket I haven't worn in a year or more (it's not really tiny it's a UK20) and I thought, I wonder - how far off is it now?
NSV #4 It fits!

Today has been a good day.

4 NSVs! How great!

I understand the mother issues, having one of my own. When you said, "It seemed mean to say no to a very old person" I really identified. I know that our parents can not have very many years left so I make allowances. I don't want the last experience with my mother being one that upsets her. Breakfast is our problem. She lives 500 miles away so when I am there, we eat all meals together. Her idea of the proper breakfast includes biscuits, eggs and bacon, about 500 calories. That throws my whole day off. I have actually hidden a biscuit and bacon to throw away when she is not looking. How pitiful is that!

I think you are both good daughters to have found a way to accomodate their feelings without trashing your own.

That is FANTASTIC!! So sorry your mother is such a pain, but way to change your behavior around her and NOT MEDICATE!!! Huge victory

Fabulous!!!!!!!!!

You are to be congratulated, I think! You took a bad situation and were able to moderate it without sacrificing your eating plan, your mother, or your self respect.

Way to go!

I DO get the mother issues! A couple of days ago, my mom was bragging to my dad over the phone about how gorgeous I looked in my new facebook picture. (the one where I had professional hair and make-up) She leans over and says "who took that picture?" I said "my iphone..."

So, a day or two later:

Mom: your dad was just amazed that you took that picture yourself, he kept insisting it must have been photoshopped.

Me: Um, no, it was just the make-up.

Mom: Well, he couldn't believe it. He doesn't know you're pretty.

Me: Mom!

Mom: (bursts into tragic tears....) why are you being mean to me... I just meant that he doesn't realize that you're pretty....

But GOOD FOR YOU Rosinante.... It took me a really long time to realize that I could work on fitness and health and weight loss without feeding into the whole spiral of guilt and body image issues and shame that was entwined with my mother. For me it was a giant obstacle-- I did NOT want to be rammed into the corner in which she had tried to shove me, so much so that I was willing to sabotage myself far longer than it made any sense to do so.

Now, if she says something really outrageous, I DO call her out, although it is kind of sad, because obviously she just can't help it anymore. On the other hand, she is learning... slowly. The other day, my teen daughter announced that she weighed 175 lbs. In my family growing up, there was a tacit fiction that no normal woman EVER weighed more than 125.... if you did, you certainly would NEVER admit it outloud.) So when my daughter announced that she weighed 175, my mom emitted a horrified WOW! But then, she hastily added "you must have a lot of muscle..."

Congratulations on all of your successes!!!

Something bothers me though - why would your mother offer you such a rich dessert if she knows you are trying to lose weight? Is it fair to say that she is trying to sabotage your success? Has she done this often? This is something my MIL would do.

My MIL is my biggest source of difficulty (she was heavy when she was middle aged but now is average size). She loves to make comments about my weight and then pushes fattening food at me. If I refuse it, she keeps offering and offering. If I say no, she keeps offering or pouts. If I take it and eat it, she has a disgusted look on her face and makes more comments.

When I am losing weight, she really pushes the fattening food at me!!!

I may be the one with the weight problem, but she has major issues!!!

I am so proud of how you handled everything! I know that a situation like that can be difficult. Good Job!!!

Thanks, guys, you're great.

doingmybest: my mother doesn't know I'm losing weight, I don't tell her - it's the only bit of 'me' that I keep private. One of my issues with her is that, as a child and young person, I had no privacy from her, in our house you couldn't go and sit in another room or she'd come in and see why; as a teenager, I remember writing a letter to my best friend, who'd moved away - mother demanded I open the envelope and she read every word, all the girly chat about the new boy in the choir and so on...... I do not doubt she has always meant kindly but she seeped into every thought and thing I did while I lived at home, so that I felt totally invaded.

I continue to struggle, even at my advanced age!, because although I feel emotionally damaged by my upbringing, the worst I could really accuse her of is of not being a perfect parent - and who is?