My story is a bit long, sorry... Kudos to whoever acually gets through it!
In high school I was chubby, not too bad though, I wasn't terribly upset over it... After HS I moved in with my BF (now DH) and we were broke and living off of junk and we started to put on a few pounds. He went to Navy bootcamp and we moved to the east coast, still not much money- still lots of junk, we started to get healthy and I started taking Lipo 6-a diet pill. We moved to Washington and I continued with the Lipo 6. His deployment schedule is 3 months in, 3 months deployed, 3 month in, etc etc etc. Well... on the second deployment of his, I got serious about losing weight... too serious. I upped the lipo to 6 a day (only supposed to take 4) and I restricted myself to 700 calories and if I went over more then that I purged- even DH doesn't know about the purging. I was a wreck this time, didn't have many friends, was away from family and my love was deployed. Well, I got down to about 115. When dh was due to come back I stopped purging and stopped the pills, went up to 120 but was actually able to maintain after even without the help and up to 1,000 calories a day. I looked great! I was happy and DH as well as several other sailors made so many comments.
Shortly after homecoming, I was still 120-125 and DH and I decided to try for a baby. We got pregnant quickly and life was wonderful. We went for my 16 week ob-gyn appointment and the ultrasound showed no heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing at about 11 weeks. I was devastated. Completely 110% certifiably torn apart. Hysterical. I had a D&C the next day in which I had to be fully sedated because I was sobbing so much I couldn't breathe. After being released from the hospital, the only thing I wanted was a banana shake from this little diner. Everything went downhill from there. I either didn't eat at all, or all I ate was comfort food. DH who is my ultimate health supporter and partner would let me eat whatever I wanted because at least I was eating. I took 2 months off of work, withdrew from school the following year, stopped working out since I didn't want to run into anyone I knew. 2 months after all this, DH deployed again, I still couldn't make it through a day without crying- I ate whatever I wanted and drank with my few girlfriends to deal. That deployment was hard, DH's boat lost a shipmate (rare for his kind of job) and my grandfather who had surgery earlier for pancreatic cancer was given the news that he wouldn't make it much longer (which he actually did). My sister in law was pregnant, all my friends were getting pregnant- so I ate and ate and ate.
6 months later I moved back to our hometown where DH and I bought a house. He is still in WA since his military orders are there and he is still deploying. I tried the Lipo 6 a few times and everytime it made me very sick even though it never did before, I went to the gym some but stopped after I heard some stupid high school aged boys making fun of me. But, in mid July, at my all time high of 185-188 (I fluctuate a lot) I decided this was it. DH gets out of the Navy in January, he wants to go into the police force and wants to get into shape, I have dreams of overnight backpacking trip and being fit and healthy, wearing a bikini on the cruise we are hoping to take in the next year or 2... I'm serious this time. And on my own. No pills, no purging, no strict caloric cutting.
I am in no way making an excuse. I knew everytime I ordered taco bell or burger king that I was eating 3 or 4 days worth of food in one meal... I just didn't care. My self love and idea of self worth was so low.
So, that's my story... I'm doubting pressing the send button lol. Thanks for reading whoever does- this was actually thearputic- going to go do some yoga now I think
