I'm still researching and contemplating WLS as an option for me. One thing that I can't wrap my mind around is that idea that if I had WLS, I could only eat a small amount of specific foods the rest of my life.

I think I could manage that, but I'm not sure. Does that surgery reduce the urge to binge eat? Does it reduce the urge for the "forbidden foods"? Did you really have to force your relationship with food to change, and fight it every day, or did the surgery help you look at food differently? I hope that makes sense....

Now, even if I could manage this big change in how I eat -- could my husband? Could my children? My parents? My friends? I am surrounded by food-foisters. Even when I am dieting, it's a struggle to get my husband to support and understand why I am eating so much less.

I'd love to hear thoughts on this... (if you can make sense of any of the above!) Thanks so much!!!

interesting Q, Mama. one thing was certain for me: whatever i was doing BEFORE surgery sure wasn't working for me - so i was VERY open to change. i guess the biggest eye opener for me was not the Q of whether i could live not eating large amounts, or whatever, but rather that my eating now looked like 'normal' people. less stress eating, fewer cravings, smaller meals.

and that was very comforting. OTOH - and this is a BIG one - it really pointed out that i could no longer use food as a substitute for all kinds of things, like expressing my anger, feeling sad, being bored, being anxious.

so, it became more of a head game than anything else. some of us get professional help. others knit or otherwise keep our hands busy.

there are all kinds of ways to deal with the changes - and as long as we keep stepping in the right direction, making better choices across the board, we'll be OK

The people around you might be food-foisters, but only you control what you eat. Your success or failure depends on you, no one else.

For me, and yes I didn't have surgery, though I was scheduled for it, canceled 7 days prior to it, I knew a change HAD to occur. I was ready for it. I couldn't go on the way that I was. SOMETHING had to give. It was time. It was time to DEAL with whatever food challenges were headed my way. Because quite frankly, the food challenges that I was putting up with day in and day out were no longer working for me. The binging, the high calorie/high quantity foods. I was looking to grow. I was looking to better myself. I was looking for self-improvement. HEck I was looking to SURVIVE, and I truly felt that I HAD to change, it was a matter of life or death, so I guess I was open to it and WILLING to work through the discomfort of creating new habits. I KNEW there would be some initial struggles as I established new eating habits. Of course I'm talking about the ones that I had to make (nothing to do with surgery) in order to lose the weight.

And I really did look at it as a lifestyle change - hey, a lifestyle overhaul is more like it. And my family, they could stand to improve too. They also deserve to eat the best food the world has to offer. It has been a wonderful experience. Not the horror that I always feared it would be. I felt no deprivation feeding myself (& my family) healthy, healthy foods. I felt no deprivation turning down fried foods and sugar-y sweets. No, I finally felt that EATING those foods was the deprivation - I was depriving myself of good health, vitality, confidence, energy, stamina, clothing choices, femininity, self respect and so much more. I was depriving myself of a high quality of life. I was depriving myself of the best me.

It felt/feels marvelous actually to have boundaries and limits (self imposed ones of course). Actually back in the day, when I was eating whatever I wanted, when I wanted, I was most definitely NOT happy. The food tasted good, but that was it. It was short lived. The good was sooooo temporary. I had to hold myself up to a higher standard. I had to require more from myself.

Whatever route you should choose to do in order to lose the weight, I urge you not to dread the changes, but embrace them. Look forward to them. Adhering to a healthy lifestyle is not the burden I thought it would be. It is a blessing and a joy.

I'm sorry for not expressing myself clearly! I do know I am in control of what I eat... but what I was getting at is how others react to my relationship with food. Food-foisters tend to take offense at "no thanks" - and while I have no problem saying 'no' and know I am in control, there can still be relationship drama resulting. So my question was about this... when your relationship to food changes as a result of WLS, how does that impact the relationships with those around you (especially in food-focused relationships, family mealtimes, etc.) Hope that makes some sense.

Thanks for your great responses!!!

It is a huge challenge. Extreme weightloss is more mental than physical. No matter how you choose to attack it, weight loss surgery is merely a tool.

I was definitely a binge eater, emotional eater, stress eater, etc. prior to surgery. Now, I can't overeat if I want to!!! I am 6 weeks out of RNY surgery. I'm a little frustrated with how little I can eat right now. But, I think I am finally reaching the first mental hurdle of this process. I see a therapist and she has been helping me through all this.

Food is the one addiction you can't walk away from. I have worked very hard to change my relationship with food. It is a constant struggle. But, not as in trying not to eat. I have no problems walking away from sweets and many of the problem foods from before. I have convinced myself that sugar will kill me (okay, not really, but it's very bad!) and I won't take a chance on eating any.

My biggest problem is going out to eat. I love going out to eat. I go by myself with a book and that is my relaxation. I order food that is fine for me. But I can only eat a few mouthfuls. I then take the rest to go. It's not as much fun. Which is something I really need to figure out and come to terms with.

many years ago, when i was a good little weight watcher, i worked with a woman who was a group leader. and she was eating foods she shouldn't have. i told my group leader, and she gave me the BEST advice ever: keep your eyes on your own plate!!!

those words apply to you AS WELL AS TO THE FOISTERS. food DOES NOT equal love. and when you are together, it's important to change the focus away from the food and onto enjoying time with each other. if that means a rousing game of croquet over various obstacles instead of eating, that's just fine.

easy?? heck no!!!!

to be honest i didn't but i one of those people who deal with everything as it comes and handle it day by day. im one to think you can never truly be ready for life changes because reality is something you really can't dream. it is a big mental change and i deal with this everyday but i think it helps to always have that list to rememeber why you may the changes in the first place.

In saying no to food foisters, you can say something like you are full right now but could you take some home for later - then throw it out when you get home. You can also take them aside and explain how important it is to you to lose weight so you can be healthy and you'd really appreciate it if the made (whatever you can eat safely) if they want to give you food. Think of the foisters in your life. You know how they react to "No" then figure out ways to say know while acknowledging you appreciate their offer.

I wouldn't be comfortable taking food from someone knowing that I would be tossing it later. Don't get me wrong, I've got no problem throwing food in the trash - better to throw it in the trash can, than to BE the trash can. But again, to me, something seems off about asking to bring home other peoples' food with the INTENTION of throwing it away.

I also wouldn't be comfortable asking people to make me specific foods. Unless it was my mom or sister.

I also don't think it's any one's business whether or not I'm trying to lose weight and I wouldn't feel the need to take them aside and tell them my personal business.

BUT, you DO have to learn to be firm. You've got to love yourself more, than you care what others think about you.

"No thank you. No thank you. No thank you."

"I'm gonna pass for now"

"I'm going to lay off of that for today"

"I don't know, everything seems to be bothering me lately, I'm going to have to say no. Better safe than sorry".

"No thanks. I can't eat another bite"

"Looks great, but none for me. Just not into it today".

"No thanks, no thanks, no thanks"

To answer the original question, I didn't regard WLS as a major lifestyle change, but rather as one last lifeline. Nothing else had ever worked, I'd tried and tried, and I was at a point where I had to wear only sandals because I couldn't bend over to tie or buckle shoes. I had to wear dresses -- huge ones -- only, because they didn't make the material on pants strong enough to withstand the constant rubbing of my legs together. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY OF ALL -- I couldn't keep up with my baby boy. He needed a mom, and I was pretty well turning into a blob.

The surgery was my last chance. I knew it might kill me -- that was the only thing that made me hesitate. He needed a mom! But I couldn't bear for him to grow up with the burden of a mom imprisoned by her own obesity. Oh, I know that lots of kids do fine with obese parents! But I was an older mom, and obesity had taken a toll on my ability to move and participate in life. Try as I might -- and I tried so hard! -- I couldn't change it by myself. So I reached for the lifeline, believing it to be my last hope.

I don't believe anybody should choose surgery unless they are in a similar place. If dieting is still an option, then diet. Surgery is not yet another item on an array of weight loss choices! Don't debate whether or not you want to commit to a lifestyle change -- in order to succeed, with or without the surgery, you WILL have to change!

Longterm success WILL REQUIRE a complete change of lifestyle -- surgery or no.

I had my surgery back in 1986. Since then I had a baby girl to join my little guy. Their dad and I raised both of them and were so proud to see our son married last summer. Following surgery, I encountered many dangers, toils and snares -- and one life-threatening situation. Over the years I completely changed my eating habits, have become a fitness diva beginning every day with a workout. My lifestyle has changed beyond recognition in the nearly 24 years since I reached for that lifeline.

It was the right choice for me -- it was my last hope. And, with a lot of work and a little dumb luck, it was a success!

Thanks for your great response! Motherhood has been my big motivator this time for sure. I have a little boy and girl - both under two - and I absolutely need and want to keep up with them. Even more, I don't want to leave them without a mother due to my own health issues. They mean everything to me and they deserve a healthy mom.


But what you said in your first paragraph is what really scares me. I do see surgery as a last lifeline. What scares me about that is what if I fail? If I have the surgery and it fails, where does that leave me? What if I gain it back? I don't know if I'd be strong enough to handle a failure on my "last resort"... Does that make sense?

it makes A LOT of sense, Mama. think about this, though: What does FAILURE look like to you right this second?

and then, what would FAILURE after WLS look like? remember, most surgeons consider WLS successful if a person loses HALF of what they need to lose and manages to maintain that loss. would you consider losing half your excess weight to be a success or a failure?

would you consider maintaining ANY weight loss - even if it's just 5 pounds - to be a failure or a success?

would you consider being able to keep up with your children - no matter what your weight is - to be a success or a failure?

your answers to these Qs, and others like them, will help you make your decision about this. And no one but you can answer them!

and trust me, this isn't an easy choice to make. and some of us have turned to professional help so that we can have an unbiased sounding board [i think of it as holding up a different mirror so i can see myself differently - it's helped me in the past!]

Hi, Mama --

My question would be, can you "make do" with life as it is now? If you can, then perhaps you should stay where you are, at least for the time being. If where you are is pretty near unbearable, would "failing" at WLS be any worse than where you are now? If not, then perhaps it might be a risk worth taking. But only you can decide that!

Of all the people I know (most by internet) who have had the procedure, I know of only one who regrets it. Many have experienced regain, but in most cases they are still quite a bit below their original pre-WLS high weight. And a good number have completely embraced a new healthy style of living. I fall into that last category, but relapse is always a risk!

I wish you the best as you consider your options.