It's been drilled into me since childhood, originating with family members, and reinforced by others.

1. Intelligence counts for nothing. That's only "book learning," and nobody really likes the smart kid. It's more important to be popular.
2. To be popular, you have to be pretty.
3. To be pretty, you have to be thin and young.
4. Your own positive opinion of yourself doesn't count, because that's being conceited. "Don't break your arm patting yourself on the back." You're only pretty if *other people* say you are.

Well, I'm no longer young, but I wasn't thin when I *was* young either, so it follows that I've never been pretty. It's been made known to me by more than one source that I can't possibly be. Which leads to:

If other people's opinions of me count more than my own, I've been judged failing.

And it's perfectly OK for other people to remind me I'm not pretty, because... well, maybe it's true. If it weren't, wouldn't they be prevented from saying it?

My one strength is that "book learning" that nobody appreciates if you're not a cheerleader and Homecoming Queen along with it. If looks are all that matter in this world, and I don't have that, then why do I exist?

At this moment, I don't feel worthy of the air I'm breathing. I'd like some support and validation.

Thank you.

You need to just Trust in God! You're beautiful to him & he's the one that really matters. You have a purpose in life though sometimes as humans we can't see them ourselves. I lost my Husband a few years ago & I really couldn't understand why I was left here alone. I just trusted in God & things eventually started looking up. Hang in there, we're all here for you!

Have you ever seen a horse with a totally clueless rider? The human is yanking on the bit this way and that and the horse is getting fed up. Finally it just clamps the bit between its teeth and gets on with life despite the idiot on its back.

Well, you're a lot smarter than any horse. Take that bit in your mouth and throw those riders off your back.

I think I was raised by the east coast half of your family. If I were to pick a "motto" from my childhood it would be "what makes you think you're so d***ed special" for any time i did something i felt good about.

That stuff sinks deep in to your psyche and is hard to overcome even if intellectually you know it's not true. And you DO know it's not true.

It is possible to leave the past behind but it sure isn't easy. I finally got to the point where I just was sooo angry, so "you're not the boss of me!" that I shut that pain into a small, tightly locked box and moved on. It took me 15 years to do it and that was 20 years ago and it's not like I've forgotten my past, but it can no longer hurt me. I'm better than that!

And you are too! You wouldn't still be alive if you didn't have faith in yourself somewhere deep down. You wouldn't have managed to lose the weight you already have if you didn't have a core strength you can rely on. You're better than those people who hurt you - don't give them permission to keep hurting you!

Thank you ladies. Vladadog, at our house besides the "break your arm" remark it was "who do you think you are?" This was said any time I tried to assert myself, ask for respect, set a personal boundary, or so much as express an opinion.

Or if I didn't understand something, "Well, if you're so smart, how come you don't know...?"

It's hard for me to put the "past" remarks in the past, when they're still being made.

I think the "you're not so smart now..." comes from their own insecurities because, let's face it, looks don't last. We all age. I will say that people will subconsciously pick up on your own feelings, so show off your smile and your smarts! If those around you are extremely negative, it may be time to take some control over who you allow to be around you. Believe it or not, the choice is yours and you do deserve better! I hope you have found the encouragement you need to get you through. Good luck to you, beautiful!!

Lovebirds, I am going to move this post to Support, I think you will get more responses there

Leenie

Intelligence and drive will get you where you need to go. A much more useful life gift than pretty which is both in the eye of the beholder and fades.

You are allowed to divorce your family. You don't owe anything to people who continue, unrepentantly, to abuse you. And yes, what you have experienced and continue to experience is emotional abuse.

Imagine that one of these people who says these things to you--a family member or whoever--is saying the same or similar things to a homeless person on the street. Or to a small child. Or to anyone. Would you think the person being abused deserved that abuse? No, you would be shocked and appalled, and you'd think your family member was (at the most charitable) a rude, self-centered jerk.

If someone outside your family doesn't deserve it, then YOU don't deserve it, either. No one deserves abuse.

As to prettiness or whatever...your worth is not defined by what you look like. Or by how much you weigh, what you earn, what career you have, where you live. You already know that.

this is sooo true.

And Warmaiden is also right: you CAN divorce your family. No one deserves to be abused!

Thank you. That was an act of consideration. It was kind of you.

I moved 3,000 miles to get away from everybody. The last time I went back to visit, it was a fiasco, and I left them saying I would never cross the Kentucky state line again. It has been three years and so far I have kept that word, even though they thought it was just said in anger at the time. Since I did this, it has improved somewhat, due to their realizing they either treat me with respect, or they don't have me. It's hard for me to bring myself not to have any contact at all, though. In the case of birthdays and holidays I feel obligated to at least call.

Maybe I should take a cue from my husband, who was abused by his father and who has had practically no contact with him since turning 18.

But what if those same words are also coming from someone outside the family? If perfect strangers agree with what my family said--can everybody be wrong, and me be right?

Thank you for reminding me. Because I am so used to not trusting my own opinion, since it doesn't "count" if I'm tooting my own horn, I often rely on other people to validate me. When they don't, I feel crushed. And when I assert that I *can* be beautiful without being thin and/or young, and then someone tries to convince me otherwise, well, that's someplace I don't want to go right now.

I do have professional help, but right now I can't seem to get rid of the thought, "Why did God even bother making me?" I feel I'm a waste of His creative effort. People say He doesn't make junk. Maybe not, but anything can become junk later.

I red your post and I recognizes myself in it. I was never good enough and I am not good enough now when I have my own life, and I did it by myself. I was too smart for my family and they did not like it. They were always telling me that I am stack up, but I was not. I just wanted them to love me and I want that even now. I did not become what I could be even at my work because I did not want to annoy them. I am scared of success in life in any terms you can imagine. And you know what?

They will not change!
And they will not love us no matter what we do. So, anyway then, its better to fulfill your own desires in life as they will not love you anyway.

Your body is beautiful and magnificent thing, read about it how it works and you will realize that. It helped me to realize it. It is PERFECT Mechanism (not machine!) and everything is in a perfect order. So perfect that if one point goes down everything messes up. And the fat is the thing that should not be there and we have to get rid of it...to make a perfect mechanism perfect again...and it does not matter are you "beautiful" by other standards. Standards changes...in Arabian countries we would be the prettiest there because they like big women! So...dont measure yourself by standards of USA or Europe...measure yourself by Arabic measures...I realized that and when somebody comment my weight i tell him that I am half Arabian and that I am the best looking women there and that they know how to appreciate women....it silly really but it works...and I am starting to believe it ...that I would get 10 camels for me, ha ha ha :-) Try it - it works!

Welcome to 3FC, child35.

And thank you for your kind words. You remind me of something said to me in a casual conversation when my husband and I went to Hawaii for our anniversary. At a luau, a man sharing our table told us that culturally, the hula was a (big) man's dance. It wasn't until Hawaii was "westernized" that those stick-thin young women started doing it. In fact, he said, skinny women weren't even favored in the mating game. They were seen as weak and fragile, like the runt of a litter. Chunky girls crank out healthier babies and have strong enough backs to do the work involved in running a household.

This is not to say that very overweight is healthy. But, one must have a certain amount of body fat in order to sustain a pregnancy. Anorexics are just as infertile as morbidly obese women can be. In my own circle of acquaintance, while it's true that being overweight can mess up your menstrual cycle as it did mine, I've seen women in the 300 pound range become mothers, and size 0-2 women who kept miscarrying. So much for the skinny-equals-fertile, therefore you have to be thin to be attractive, theory.

"Show off your smarts." I'd always been told to do the opposite: Hide it. My own grandmother told me, "The reason you don't have dates is because you wear your IQ on your sleeve. If you're ever going to find a man, you're going to have to play dumb." She wasn't the only one. I heard it from a lot of sources. "A smart woman is always just a little bit dumber than the man she's with." "It's more important to be pretty; being intelligent won't get you a husband." Young girls are STILL being told this!

Hmmm. I'm obese, and intelligent. But I have a wonderful husband. Kind of blows all this advice out of the water, doesn't it?

Honestly society is superficial and people can be cruel. Beauty doesn't bring happiness either. Everyone is beautiful to someone. Everyone is also probably ugly to someone. I just feel people should celebrate their differences and be the best that they can be for themselves. I know there are lots of gorgeous people who lead very depressing lives and people who society deems 'not pretty' who are the happiest and most loved and popular people I know. I decided a long time ago there is no time in life to waste feeling bad -- live your life to the fullest and appreciate what you have and work your hardest to achieve your goals and dreams and what your passionate about. You don't want to look back at your life years down the road thinking about how you never really lived. I know emotional scars take time to heal but just realize you are blessed in so many ways.

@lovebirds, thank you for the info on your housband! that means maybe someday I will get one! LOL :-)

Glad to give you hope.

If you want to lose weight, don't just do it to "get a husband." Lose weight because it's the best thing to do for you. Accepting and loving yourself at any size is what I'm all about. And don't just settle for any husband. Make sure it's a good one.