I have really been thru one of the hardest times of my life over the last few months. I have struggled so much and truly should have been here begging for help but for some reason I always want to wallow alone.

I was in a horrid cycle of starve, binge, starve, binge (I would have purged if I could but for some reason making myself throw up makes me cry hysterically). I do think I am doing better.. I just decided to eat. It was NOT that easy though.

I kept on this cycle for over a year and in January decided to just not diet any more. Well my idea of dieting anyway. No more starving. I just ate. I ate alot for several weeks and gained 15 pounds in six weeks. I decided to not even think about what I was eating and just eat what I wanted when I wanted it.

It felt like such a release but I had so many things going thru my mind. I really had a hard time letting go and just not continuing the cycle with extreme dieting - no calorie counting or journaling either.. just living and eating.

I noticed last month I slowly started eating more healthy.. thinking about food as wholesome. It was strange and I instantly wanted to be a vegetarian.. but I realized for me this was another leaning toward obsessiveness.. I am so all or nothing in my thinking.

I am doing fair now. I have stopped gaining and have maintained for about 3 weeks. I am thinking about exercise.. have not moved my body in months.

I just wanted to come in and write. Just wanted to get back into the community and be involved again. I realize I need support as I move on thru this. I am feeling a bit stronger but don't really know what else to do right now. I want to learn how to just eat intuitively. That sounds simple but we all know it's truly NOT.

I am glad to be back in this community.

Glad you're here

Welcome back. This is a big step in the right direction.

Congrats on making this decision to change your lifestyle.

As they always say,
'Today is the first day of the rest of your life'
I believe you can be successful now if you truley want it. What's holding you back?

Also, as far as support goes, do you have any friends that are a similar weight that would be interested in changing lifestyles with you?
My friend and I are similar (she's 20lbs lighter though, the brat) and we're pushing each other to lose weight together. I don't think we'd have started it by ourselves.
We will support you here, but it does make life easier if there's someone pounding on your door making you go for a walk/to the gym etc. and holding you physically accountable.

Good luck <3

You have taken the first step and will continue moving towards self-love and acceptance because you have stopped the insane cycle. Been there myself and I understand.

YOU have made the right step!! keep going ... make sure your doing this for you and only you!
good luck!

and jessicadawn i am not a brat! lol

WELCOME BACK!!!!! We are all happy to have you here.
Please be kind to yourself. One small step at a time. YOU CAN DO IT!

So glad you posted! Glad you are here.

Howdy. Thanks so much for sharing your story. It was a very brave thing to do. Glad to have you around with us!

Barb

Have you ever heard of flylady? I love flylady. She talks alot about that all or nothing thinking. Her site is mostly about housework and clutter but she talks a bit about clutter on the body as well. Those of who are all or nothing thinkers tend to have the same issues with our bodies. These are people who can't do a task without doing it to perfection so why bother trying? It's those of us who mean to clean out the fridge and end up taking it apart! We do this with our bodies as well and I'm terribly guilty of it. You don't have to go vegetarian to have a healthy diet.

Check her out if you want. Flylady.net. She has a saying that goes "Housework done imperfectly still blesses the family." Well, I say dieting imperfectly still blesses the body.

this is so true. I am also guilty of being an all or nothing person in the past and "fell off" many diets as soon as I wasn't perfect. I have made a very concerted effort this time to change that thinking and I don't even consider myself "on" a diet. Instead, I have made a commitment to eating moderate portions of healthy, nutritious food. I don't expect to be perfect but I also recognize that if I slip, it's just that - one bad choice. That doesn't mean I have to keep making bad choices, I can just as easily make a good choice the next time - the next day, the next meal, the next bite - yes, I can throw out a cookie after taking a bite and the world won't end! lol! And that has given me a sense of freedom about my eating that has ended up making it easier to stay on plan, and if I do stray, I just pick myself back up and keep going in the right direction.

Runundefined, I'm so glad you've found your way back - I hope you keep posting a LOT, I think that the most successful people here tend to be the ones posting consistently.

Welcome back! Hope that the boards can help you find that balance that you need!