confession: I value poor eating over my children and husband, but I'm trying to change that.

My parents both have health issues, but continue to do the things that led to the medical problems. My dad has emphysema but continues to smoke. He has to have breathing treatments, inhalers, and on some days can barely tackle the stairs in his house. My mom has diabetes and a heart condition. She continues to eat fried foods and whatever else tickles her fancy. She has said that if she has to eat what the doctor tells her to eat, she may as well be dead already. I know that with the smoking that there is an addiction at work etc, but I couldn't help but think with both of them that they were essentially saying that they would rather continue with the self destruction than change and have more years with me, my sibs, and their grandchildren. Really? Eating fried pork/chicken and sugary cake is more important than family and friends? There's nothing you want to do on earth than eat what you want or have that next cigarette? But also I realize that my current eating and extra weight put me right on that path. Something needs to change.

I realize that my poor eating habits and being overweight (until recently I was obese) has hindered my life. I don't feel comfortable in a swim suit and so I don't take my kids to the pool often. I take them maybe 4 times in the summer. I would like them to take swimming lessons but am so uncomfortable that I haven't signed them up, yet. I realize that I am shortening my life and decreasing the quality of the life that I do have.

My hubby complains that my body image issues are bothering him more than the 50 pounds I have put on since having the kids. I get where he's coming from and am working on that while losing the weight.

I realize that I need to eat like an adult rather than a child wanting instant gratification. I realize that I need to eat the food I feed my children. I wouldn't dare feed them the food that I eat.

insights are great, but how do I keep myself from burying it back into the recesses of my mind? denial is like a pair of comfortable old shoes that you instinctively put on instead of the new pair you just bought.

I know what you are talking about- we have these moments where we simply "forget" what is good for us, ie., what we should be eating - I struggled with this problem for a long time.

So, I had to find a way to make myself REMEMBER at ALL times of what I should be doing. I started doing some research and came up with positive affirmations.

It helps me to have a positive affirmation saying that I play continually throughout the day in my head, so that I DON'T forget - yes, you have to make a conscious effort and it even helps to say it out loud (sometimes embarrassing).... in the moment, what I repeat throughout the day (to get motivated to go jogging, to eat correctly) is: "You will be taking a lovely trip to the beaches in Egypt on March 10th and you WILL look and feel fabulous and confident in your bikini." (I have already booked and paid for this trip).

It may sound kooky, but it truly helps if you start to take control of your mind - which then helps your body. I don't think the power of the mind is emphasized enough in this forum. The mind is also like a 'muscle' that must be worked - for example, at my university, we had to take a course on 'training the mind' to concentrate.

So, back to personalize an affirmation - start saying it when you wake up. Make sure your positive affirmation contains NOTHING negative (saying "no" to yourself simply does not work, never say or think "no").

I'm not kooky, really. Just try it for a day or two. I mean, what can it hurt? You have to strengthen your mind to control bodily urges when losing weight - your body will typically feel hungry (natural to have to feel some hunger when losing weight, your body is fighting back).

You have to sharpen your ability to be rational with food choices.

In my opinion- Don't make losing weight into an emotional matter - don't bring up your family history and emotional pain (I know some people will disagree). Don't be an emotional dieter. When people do this, I've found (particularly from testimonies in this forum) they start 'breaking down' and eating and bingeing and feeling terribly guilty, distraught.

I know this behavior, I've had this behavior. My crying over the fact that I need to lose weight NEVER helped me to actually lose weight. I must look at the situation rationally, such as a math equation - how do I get from point A to point B? I must eat less - I must be hungry sometimes and not panic - I must have a plan. Why? because I want to be healthy.... I will jog because I want a healthy heart and circulation.... I will eat this broccoli because it has fiber and vitamins that will give me energy, etc.

Bringing emotions into dieting only makes it feel torturous.

Staying positive and rational - work on your mind, for it is what has the power to guide your body in the proper direction.

oh, and for goodness sake, clean the cheap food out of your house! Give it to your parents if you don't want to throw it away. You cannot live in a toxic environment - the mind is only so strong.

Unbury it and make CERTAIN to KEEP it unburied. Make this, your health, your weight a NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. Keep it at the forefront of your mind. Realize, and you've had some pretty smart realizations there judging from your very thought out post, realize that this is just as important as anything and everything going on in your life. Because it is. IT IS. Someone once said to me something that stuck in my mind. She said something to the affect of, think of your family as a tree. Those luscious, green, full, lively leaves at the top will not flourish if the roots are not properly taken care of. And we as moms are the ROOTS of that tree. We are the roots of the family. If we're not taken care of, than how is everyone else going to be?

Focus. Focus. Focus. Commit. Commit. Commit. Once you commit to a healthy lifestyle - no matter what - you will HAVE to focus on it. Decide how you want to live your life and than resolve to do whatever you have to do to get it.

How to stay focused? For me, it's being held accountable - calorie counting helps me to do that. It's instant accountability and forced portion control. Planning AHEAD helps me to do that. Eating healthy won't happen on it's own, so I plan my days IN ADVANCE. Food journaling is another way to keep this on the forefront of your mind and is one of the most effective tools out there. Another way - frequent weighing. Facing that scale every morning as part of my daily self care routine helps to keep me focused.

Once you get into this healthy lifestyle, you will see that it is no burden, but a joy and a blessing. It's a lovely way to live. I know for sure you won't regret it. What a wonderful example you will be to your children. Once you get into it, IT WILL become your new normal and just what you do and who you are. So yes, I think it gets easier as you go along. In fact, I'm certain of it. My new healthy habits are now ingrained in me and automatic.

Make the decision to "do this", once and for all and permanently. Then make that all important commitment. Give this and you the respect it so rightly deserves. Stop settling for second best when first best is WELL within your reach. You have the power and the ability to do this. Don't dread these changes that must occur, but get EXCITED about them. Embrace them. Celebrate them. Find the joy in this. Allow yourself to work past the initial discomfort of making a major change - and than stand back and be prepared to amaze yourself.

I really like this sentence and thank you for posting it.

I think that all of us (whether in regards to weight or not), make daily choices that we are in denial about. However usually if we can connect the dots, we could all come up with a clean and concise (and painful) statement like you make above.

What we do is ignore the decisions we make by never taking it full circle...

"I choose to do XYZ therefore I demonstrate I value it over ABC"

I think that's a great step to frankly keep right at the forefront of your mind all the time, most people don't even get that far. For me when I have a realization like this and ponder on it all the time it is very helpful to me to change the behavior.

Such a thought provoking post! I think this is a huge breakthrough for you. Congrats!!!!

How to keep it in the forefront? Print your post and read it everyday.
I agree with Robin (so what else is new?) about planning in advance. Make delicious fabulous healthy foods for you. I'm making salmon tonight and I've very excited about it.

Also. work on changing the negative self talk. When you start thinking negative things, replace them! Think "I am healthy and fabulous and I will take my kids swimming." "My body is awesome and my husband adores me." Change the tape running through your head!

Wow, Ebb and Flow, I'm really impressed by your honesty with yourself! I remember a counselor told me once, that the difference between people who are able to conquer addictions and people who aren't, is mostly about the ability to be honest with yourself. That's the most important thing. So good for you for being honest with yourself!

I really do think of some foods, at least for me, being like an addiction. I think I was addicted to high-carb, high-glycemic foods. I'm trying Atkins now and it's the first time in my life I've felt free of those awful compulsions and the almost constant overwhelming hunger. I've come to understand that I will need to eat like this the rest of my life, if I want to be healthy and feel well.

You will find your path to the best health, I am convinced, because you have the most important quality - honesty. That is going to carry you through to your goal!

I hope this realization works well for you, and I know that everyone is different, but I can tell you that it never worked *for me* to think about how I should lose weight in order to be a better mother or wife....

I tried that strategy for a really long time-- guilting myself about not being as good a mother as I could be because I couldn't or wouldn't do x,y, or z with my kids, or that they might be embarassed about me, or that I avoided certain social situations because of my weight-- even though those things are all true.

But it did not make me change because guilt is not a good motivator for me. It makes me feel worse and it triggers my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE mechanism-- DENIAL. I am the original ostrich who loves to live life with her head stuck in the sand. The more nervous and anxious and unhappy I am, the less I think about the stuff I need to think about, and the more I think about stuff like how cool it would be to buy a ranch in Montana or spend a year in Europe, or win the lottery... or whatever...

I didn't finally start to see success until I realized that I think I'm a good enough mother, but I was not treating MYSELF well. I was rewarding myself with food as a recompense for being self-sacrificing in other areas.

I was trying TOO HARD to be good at a role at which I'm only mediocre-- I hate housekeeping, love my career and don't always feel like enriching my children. I HATE soccer practices and think that travel soccer was invented by the devil to torture mothers. I WOULD RATHER go to the pool alone and then get in the sauna than make sure my 4 year old knows how to swim.

So, I mean, this may not be true for you at all, because we are all really different.

I just know that for me, the ONLY thing that finally got through to me was the insight that I ate poorly because I didn't take care of my self enough in general....

I'm sure that my children are reaping benefits from me being smaller and fitter than I was before. But, the only get that benefit because I'm much more able now to say that I'm going to take care of myself first, even if that means that they may not get to do something that they want to do.

I recognize this thought. How many times have I told my kids "no you cant have anything else except veggies because it is too close to dinner", and then eaten something while making dinner.

This was SO the case with me as well. I've said it so many times. I would never feed my children like I used to feed myself. NEVER. I would never shove food down their mouths if they weren't hungry. Or allow them to finish an entire box of cookies, cakes, etc. NEVER. I was abusing myself. I was overfeeding myself and that's not acceptable. And I would never stand for it for my children, or a stranger or even a dog... But for me it was *okay* .

I agree with EVERYTHING ubergirl posted. I had never succeeded when trying to lose weight for my son. But this time I decided I needed to be selfish. I am doing this for me, because I want to be healthy and fit and look better and most importantly feel better - physically and emotionally/self-confidence.

The added bonus is that I will be a better mom when I can be more active and share in more of the activities my son enjoys. But that isn't the main reason. And that helps me keep my focus - I've going through some very stressful stuff with my son right now, but remembering that I'm doing this for me helps me to keep on plan instead of turning to junk food to try to smother the stress. What's going on with my son, food isn't going to fix, and my getting heavier and unhealthier isn't going to make it any easier to do what I need to do for him.

At the end of the day, I have to come first, and then I can be a better caretaker for him.

I think that labeling a motivation as guilt because it involves another person is inaccurate. People do lots of things for their children/spouses that are based in love and concern, but not guilt.
My son has tons of medical issues (feeding tubes, special diets, tons of doctors/specialists, therapists etc). He's been through a lot in his four years. I've lived in hospitals for months, my husband remains in a job that is hard on him for the health insurance for our kids, and we spend so much time at doctor offices and therapist appointments. None of what we've done was motivated by guilt, but love, responsibility, and concern. I think it has to do with perspective. Some people see our life and see (and have said to me) burden, while I see it as responsibility and love.
I don't know about other people, but I do things for my kids that I haven't done for myself. I tend to accept "no" and avoid the discomfort, but when it's something my kids need (read insurance companies and doctors who are dismissive) I push push, and push to get it.
When it comes to it, that's just the way I work. I read an article about research done with doctors and how being 13 or more pounds overweight has a negative impact on the care that you receive. My first thought wasn't whether I was getting the best care I could get, it was whether my weight was affecting the care my son was getting. Perhaps I would have had a different reaction if I actually have health concerns. Luckily I'm healthy despite my current diet and stress levels.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying put yourself last. I agree that you have to take care of yourself in order to care for others, but the motivation for taking care of yourself may stem from different reasons. Like some people lose weight for health reasons and others do so more for the visual effect.

Otherwise, I would think that all goals are a manifestation of some sort of guilt because self focused goals are basically the same as other focused motivation except the person who has been let down is yourself.

"I wouldn't take my kids to the pool because I didn't want to wear a swimsuit" is the same as "I wouldn't go to the pool because I didn't want to wear a swimsuit"

"I am depriving my kids of a healthy mother" is the same as "I am depriving myself of a healthy life"

except that the person getting the short end of the stick (and for whom you are making that change) is you.

Good post, I very much agree with you.

While I understand the concept "If you don't do this for you, you will ultimately backslide" I also think this is a little narrow of a perspective.

While I think that caring about yourself is important and you should care about your health, etc. For me that is only a factor. Much higher on my list is my ability to meet the needs of my growing family, notably having more energy to do things around the house and play with my kiddos.

I too agree with you ebb&flow, though I 1000% see ubergirls point as well.

You hear all the time that if you "don't do this for yourself" then it will never *work*. But my family WAS a huge factor in finally making the decision to shed the pounds. My family and how I could care for them and the quality of the time spent with them were greatly diminished. I WAS robbing of them of many things. There were just things that I physically could not do, never mind mentally. And that was irresponsible of me. I made the decision to be a mom and along with that comes responsibility - which I was shirking.