Hi All

Sorry, but this is going to be long and any advice would be welcome.

Ok ... so I never really wanted to have kids - my fiance has never really had any desire to have kids either. We enjoy our lifestyle too much at this moment in our lives to want to give it up and have a baby.

But recently a friend of ours, who is the same age as my fiance -turning 30 this year - who has been trying to have a baby and finally fell pregnant had a miscarrage and it really hit me hard. I have had friends who this has happened to before and although it was tough to watch a friend go through something so awful, it never made me think about my own life.

Maybe it's because I am getting older, I dunno, but should I be trying to have a baby before I turn 30??

I know the pro's of having a baby before 30 and I know the con's of having a baby after 30 however neither of them out wiegh the other

Me and my fiance have talked about this before - and we both agree that if we did decide to have kids that we would move back to Australia so we could raise them there - which means a huge lifestyle change - new jobs, a new country and a baby.

So, you ask - and I ask myself this all the time - why not take out the moving back to Australia, that solves everything. But I just cannot do that. I have no family in Canada and I would NEED the support of them to go through a pregnancy. My fiance is not close to his family so we cannot rely on them for the support I would need.

So really deciding to have a baby is a much bigger decision then I even thought about until I put it "down on paper" in front of me.

How will I know if I am ready to take that step?? When will I know if I want to have a baby?? How did you know you were ready??

I just don't want to wait until i'm in my 30's cannot get pregnant and end up regretting it.

It's a toughie. I didn't think I would ever want kids. I'm in my early 30s now and it's only within the last year that I've though that having a family would be nice, even though I'm not ready to give up my lifestyle. For me, I want to try to have one or two kids before I'm 36. So guess I better start soon! If for some reason I was unable to have kids I don't think I would be devastated and regret waiting so long. I would look into adoption and other options.

I also live in a different country than my family, but I would rather fly my mom out here for a few months than to uproot my whole life. When my parents move to the US and had me they didn't have any family around for support. They relied on friends for support. I grew up with friends that were like family. It was awesome!

If your friends are planning on having kids within the next few years and you do too then you can support each other.

I am by choice waiting till I'm at least 30 to get pregnant. I think this day in age there is nothing wrong with getting pregnant later in life and in some (not all) you're more "ready" to be a parent. There is just so much I still want to do in life before I have a child. I say don't rush it. You'll know when you're ready. I have a very strong maternal instinct and feel my uterus say "give me" sometimes when I pass an infant or pregnant woman. I just know I'm not ready, not just yet!

We weren't planning on having kids until 25 at least. To say the least I just turned 25 last week and am pregnant with our third child. Sometimes you really can't plan on when you will have kids if you plan to have them at all. It just happens for some (I say this because I was on BC with all 3 and wasn't TTC). I gave up a lot of things having kids young, my first at 19. I didn't have a lot of support after my first. I have no relationship with my parents at the moment. Most of my support is from friends and extended family. I'm actually glad, now, to have kids before 30 because I will be able to do more with them when they are older. Only you can really decide what is best. I don't know what life would have been like if we wouldn't have gotten pregnant so soon or what it would even be like if we wouldn't have kids at all.
I never really knew what it was like "to be ready". I distinctly remember being in the hospital the day we had DS1 pleading to DH that I wasn't ready (little too late!). Anyway, I hope you can figure this out with your fiance because it is something you both need to talk about! Of course, adoption is always an option if you decide you want children and can't have them. There are babies and children out there that need somebody to love and take care of them.

I think there are good things about having kids both earlier in life and waiting.

I had my first 2 when I was 19 and 21 and it was great to be a "young mom". I was a bit more uptight when it came to some things, but had so much energy and loved the fact that I would be 38 and 40 when my kids were finally on their way to college and I would have the rest of my life to travel and do what I wanted.

I never thought I would meet anyone that I would want to have kids with after my divorce - until I met Joe. He was so amazing and didn't have any kids and wanted some so along came Johnathon. I was 30 when he was born and will be 31 when this baby arrives and I can honestly say that I am a completely different kind of parent this time around. I am much more laid back and mellow. I know how fast they grow up and so I clean less and play more. I am just at a different place in my life this time around.

Honestly if you have to ask yourself if you are ready to have kids then I don't think you are. I think when it comes time you will just know. The baby fever will take over and you will know that you are in the right place and time in your life to take that step and embark on that amazing journey.

I am 30 and I just had my first baby last August. My husband and I were married for 9 years before finally deciding to go for it and get pregnant. I also wanted to do things for myself first before starting a family...finish university, get a masters degree and start a career...all those things I have accomplished and now I am a mom, which is the best role I have ever had!!! I was focused in my 20s, and at times thought that having kids was not for me...now that I have one, I think that I was just scared of "feeling tied down with children"...let me tell you, you can manage and the rewards are awesome. But you know this too, once you have children, they are with you for the next 18 years at least so choose wisely

Wise to move to Australia for babies. That is what we are doing, our plane flys out next month. You know the baby bonus is up to 5 grand these days.

Let me tell you, you are never ready to have kids. When we finally made the decision and thought that we were 'ready' our baby showed us how un-ready we really were.

Good luck with the decision, do what is in your heart.

I'm not sure how I feel about adoption - I guess I would consider it if I couldn't have kids.

Oh and moving back to Australia is not only because of the support but we would both just prefer to bring up kids in Australia - the lifestyle there is so much more relaxed and more our style. I also don't have many friends here in Canada, I have only been here for almost 5 years and most of the friends I have made are my fiance's friends (he grew up in Canada) so I am not too close with any of them.

My first child arrived a few months after I turned 30 and if we stick to our plans, our second will arrive when I'm 34. I loved making this choice. I spent my 20s focusing on my education and career, plus traveling and just enjoying life with my spouse. Because we planned it this way, we can afford for me to stay home for a few years with our children. I'm not saying having children in your 20s is a bad idea, it just wasn't a good idea for us. I wasn't ready and wanted some time to be myself.

If you don't want to do it, then by all means, don't. Wait until you're more comfortable with the idea. Some people say that you'll never be ready for kids, but I disagree. We waited until we were absolutely ready, and it was a good choice for us.

Good luck on your decision.

In this statement alone, you answered the question IMO. Having children changes life FOREVER--not just until you can get them to daycare, not just until they begin school, not when they leave for college---they are there forever. Forever is a really long time if you aren't certain you want them to begin with.

As for the age question--I have so, so many friends that waited until their late 30's and early 40's to begin--including close family members. I know there are circumstances when it becomes more difficult but I wouldn't change my course because of you are scared of an issue you don't even know exists.

Thirty is so young. I've never understood why people say you can't do things with your kids if you have them after 30 (am I going to shrivel up into a little ball at 45? 50? Heck no!). Also 30 isn't this doomed age when it becomes harder to get pregnant. It really depends on the person--at 32, I can get pregnant just by looking at my husband.

If you don't feel ready to have kids, then don't have kids. There is still plenty time. Sometimes it is surprising how much your mind can change about kids in a year or two.

And if your mind doesn't change, so be it. Having kids isn't a requirement. Be happy doing what you are doing.

As someone in the throes of infertility treatments, I want to interject something here.

First, a little background, I'm 32 and DH is 33. I have no issues myself, but DH has some problems and although it's frustrating his problems could be worse and I don't think they are insurmountable. We are currently in our first round of IUI treatments, which we will do up to three of. If that doesn't work, we'll be looking into adoption (I don't want to do IVF for personal reasons -- I don't see anything wrong with it though.)

The thing is, our fertility issues have nothing to do with age. Our situation wouldn't be any different if we were 10 years younger.

It is true that, as a woman, your fertility starts to drop around 30. But, from what I've read, that decline is slow and fertility problems based on maternal age aren't too substantial until you get closer to 40.

So, wait until you are ready (if you ever are -- I'd leave all options open.) If you do decided to have kids, I'd definitely do it before 40. IMO, I don't think a few years on either side of 30 will make too much of a difference, if you are both healthy in that respect.

It's nice to think you are really trying to look at all angles. I think to most people it is "unexpected," and so there is usually not so much thought put in it. One day you are pregnant-- deal with it-- that type of thing. I never had kids. I do regret it in a way-- but I would have been miserable. No man would have stayed with me anyway, so I would have been poor and living on welfare. I don't think I could have taken that.

If you're not sure, then you're not ready... IMO. Of course, no one is really prepared for kids but you have to WANT them to be able to raise them well. Again, JMHO.

My husband and I got together when I was 30 and married when I was 31. I'm turning 35 this year and I felt 35 was a bigger number of decision than 30 was, at least for me. I've known many women who have had healthy children age 35 and beyond.

We aren't ready for kids now any more than we were when we got married. We are actually probably going to have one of us permanently 'fixed' in the next couple years. I had similar thoughts as you have had in that if we wanted kids, we'd move back to California to be with my family. I also think adoption is a very viable option and if one day we wake up and say 'we should have a kid' and I feel that I really don't want a child coming out of my body for whatever reason, then we will adopt.

My advice would be don't rush it because of some age limit you may have set on yourself. You can certainly have a healthy child for many many years. I've known quite a few women that got pregnant 'accidentally' in their late 30s/early 40s so its not like fertility goes downhill for everyone but some women have fertility issues in their 20s while others do not.