Okay, so this isn't my second time around with this weight loss game. But, it is indeed my second time around to start posting in 3FC. My first post was on December 31, 2005 with the promise that 2006 was "MY" year. And my, what a successful year I had. I was more than half way to goal when the wall came into full view and I hit it head on. Leaving me crumpled, on the ground with my mind spinning with ALL my self-doubt talk. You see it was becoming harder and harder to believe that I could pull myself through this by staying consistant. I was doing what I needed to do all along but the scales weren't reflecting my effort. That nasty wall. I always seem to hit it at some point and somewhere always in the back of my mind believed that the wall was it. That's it, the end of the road, signs posted everywhere... dead end. I believed I was destined to be what I am, accept it. Even when I want to believe so badly it was absolutely surpassable. To this day I have trouble understanding how others can get over this wall and continue on losing. It looks easy to continue one step and a time, but my steps seems to get stuck in the mud with each one eating away at my confidence.I felt like I was back grade school gym class, left in the dust on the track watching my classmates easily run by. That pretty much sums up my last trek down this weight loss road. Couldn't lose, couldn't motivate and lost the will to try. Eating to make me feel better in the moment was so much more easier. The desire and mindset for this battle was no where in sight and there I sat in the shadow of the wall.
So here I am, again. Am I kidding myself? Ha! Nope, I'm truly here again, 3 years later. I'm within 19lbs of gaining it all back. I try to soothe myself with saying at least I didn't gain it all back. But the reality is, I feel as though I have been placed straight back at the starting line. This time though, with a plan in mind for that wall. I'm bringing a ladder with me sucker! Ha, Ha
My ladder actually happens to be a letter to my beaten down self. I read through my 3 year old posts recently. I was inspired by own success. It was thrilling, it was happy... it has been way too long since I put myself first like that. Taking control and feeling like I was on the winning side. Compare that time to now. Whoa! Everyone always says how trapped they felt at a heavier weight. How depressing, cosuming, suffocating and your life seems to be spinning out of control. So I plan to write myself exactly that. Remind myself in current words of how I feel. The desperation, the urgency, the sadness that has been shadowing me now could be no worse than to make sure I keep those steps going in the mud no matter how stuck I feel. Because whatever that feeling of frustration is, it could never equal the sadness in my heart for letting it all fall back on me again. That's right, my current fat self is going to write to my 'less' pouffy self. LOL Cheer me on and say it doesn't matter how long I stay on that incline it's better to live that life at that weight forever than forever fighting it my old self.
Terribly sorry for the long intro, story, whatever you may call it. I just wanted to give you a little insight to my current mind set and to get to know me. If you're interested in joining me in this battle, I'd love your company. Speaking from experience... support, whether it be cyber or not can make a world of difference. Somewhere you can come and report your day and give and get support!
Thanks for reading!
That road seems so much longer the second time around, but it's not, thankfully. Once you get your momentum going you'll feel so much better, and hopefully regain all that enthusiasm and energy that you had once before!