(Warning: Long)

I couldn't find any previous posts on this topic and wanted to ask you guys...are you familiar with this disorder? Do you feel like you might have it (or some symptoms)? Have you known anyone with it?

I think I'm a classic case. I'm pretty sure I need counseling, therapy, medication...but whenever I start looking at options, I get overwhelmed and think to myself, "Well, I've survived this long without any help...I'll just keep on."

I am terrified of mirrors. I do the weirdest things...for instance, I can only look in CERTAIN mirrors. Any unapproved mirror will very likely send me into hysterics. And when I look in the mirror? I don't just look...I do everything possible to avoid looking at any more of myself than necessary. For instance, if I am trying to put my nose ring in, I will have my face completely pressed against the mirror so that ALL I can see is my nose, nothing else. And if I just want to check my hair, I turn my face all the way to side and look up. At one point, my mother covered all the mirrors (and there were quite a few) in our house with paper so that I could walk through the house without having an anxiety attack. At times, my reflection has angered me so much that I've hurt myself.

I also feel like...well...the ugliest person in the world. Literally. I feel like when I go in public, people shudder, peer at me and wonder if I know how ugly I am. I've considered having a t-shirt made that says, "Yes, I know I'm ugly." My biggest fear is for someone to perceive me as an ugly girl who thinks she's hot...I want to apologize to everyone who has to see me and assure them that I'm just as disgusted as I'm sure they are. It's gotten a little better as I've grown up, but it can be crippling. I just feel like the whole world is laughing at me and pointing and whispering in shock and dismay. Unlikely, yes, but it's how I feel.

The reason I think I have body dysmorphic disorder is that I seem to have created a prettier, shapelier (word?) me in my head and she's the one I choose to identify with on a regular basis. I can go throughout my day just fine, feeling like HER...and then I'll catch sight of myself in a mirror or the reflection of a car window and it all comes crashing down. I'm NOT her. I'm me. And I have no control over this. I can't fix it.

There have been times I wouldn't leave the house. At lot of times, I dress like a slob because I feel like to do otherwise would imply to people that I think I'm cute or something. And I feel like to dress up would be like putting a dress on a pig. It makes me feel like a joke. It's the, why bother? I've avoided social situations...work situations...endless situations because I feel like a freak. The look that people get on their face when they first see me....devestating. For once, I'd love for someone to meet me and just have no reaction at all...I feel like the damn hunchback of notre dame.

Help Do I need help? Is this normal? Can I possibly fix it myself? Does anyone else ever feel this way?? I'm sad today.

(Sorry that was like a novel.)

I have heard about body dysmorphic disorder and seen a couple of TV documentaries about it, but I don't know anyone with it. It does sound like you may have it, but only a licensed professional can make that diagnosis. I would really encourage you to go see a professional, even if it turns out that you don't have it. If it turns out you do have it, then they can help you.

I can give you a somewhat related anecdote. My sister has suffered from obsessive-compulsive disorder for years. It got so bad that she would do things like leave her house, get half an hour down the road, then turn around and drive home again to make sure that she turned the oven off/locked the door/etc. She had a lot of anxiety and depression because of it. A couple years ago she finally was officially diagnosed with OCD and began taking medication and undergoing therapy for it, and she says it is amazing how much it has turned her life around. Yes, she was surviving with OCD and no treatment -- but it was a miserable existence. So when you say, "I've survived this long without any help...I'll just keep on," think about how much happier your life could be if you had help.

Just the fact that you've posted kinda tells me you know you have a problem. Having some degree of BDD is fairly common, but if left untreated can become debilitating. I myself have a mild form of BDD (diagnosed in 2006). For me, my specific issues were (and still are to a lesser extent) -

• I looked into mirrors or reflective surfaces as seldom as possible (e.g. if I was walking toward a door with a reflective surface I would look down at the ground so I couldn't see my face).
• When I talked to people I would often try to look down at papers or my hands or something as if I am fooling around with something or am busy with something so they couldn't look right at me.
• I could not under any circumstances accept that anyone could ever find me attractive in any way.

My issues were closely tied with my weight/self-esteem/anxiety. These issues are something I still have but am slowly dealing with (e.g. I can now look at my face in the mirror). I started therapy (and medication) in 2006 and it was a huge help for me, and it gave me to tools I needed to deal with those issues. After a year and a half I was weaned off the medication. For me, dealing with body issues has been a lot like losing weight, I have to make conscious decisions/choices to help myself. It sounds kinda dorky but what really helps me is looking at myself in the mirror/pictures and finding positive things (it's hard not to criticize, but that doesn't help).

From what you've posted it sounds like what you're dealing with is more severe than what I had. I highly suggest talking to a professional. Even if you don't have BDD, just talking about your body issues to a neutral person would probably help. Looking back to where I was a few years ago to now is shocking, I can't believe I was so miserable. As scary as it may seem having to go for help, it is sooooooo much than living with the 'pain.' Stay strong, and just know that you're not alone with these issues. Recognizing the problem is the first step, and it seems like you get that there is a problem. Best of luck!!!!!!!!

Wow! We might be twins!

I hate mirrors - I avoid shopping because of all the unfamiliar mirrors in the stores. If I see that I don't like a mirror- I will avoid it for the rest of my life.

My boyfriend and I went on vacation over the summer to Spain. Our condo was filled with terrible mirrors. I finally pulled off the sheets from the bed and covered all the mirrors I could.... walking around in a bathing suit, surrounded by mirrors the entire day.... that was ruining my vacation! literally!

It's not something I would recommend doing in a new relationship- my newish boyfriend was a bit shocked, but in the end he helped me hang towels over the mirrors the sheets would not cover!

I recently moved out of an apartment where I had a beautiful mirror, with beautiful lights around it. I looked like an angel. My self-esteem has literally plummeted since then. Not logical. I'm still the same person.

Also, you commented on having a prettier person on the inside - I have one of those too! I often need that image, to really live that image, in order to function in the world! Somedays I will be Zooey Deschanel, others Ginnifer Goodwin or Kate Winslet. Taking on that persona gives me confidence, it allows me to be me (sounds ironic, as I'm being someone else).

Anyway- I am not trying to make light of your - or my situation. But you must admit - its a little absurd! When I was reading your post, I really felt like I had wrote it.

I hope my post makes you feel a little less sad (can't you just imagine running around beautiful spanish condo, covering it with sheets! Come on, thats a little bit funny - I defeated the mirrors!!).

In the end, funniness aside, it is unnecessary stress that I live everyday that I don't know how to change.

Well, Cheers to the pretty mirrors, sister!

It actually does help...and that totally sounds like something I would do!

For instance, I haven't worn short sleeves in public in years because I despise my arms. I feel like they must be the fattest arms in the world (again, literally) and that if I were to expose them to the public, people would die from shock. They are just gross...fat and flabby with that pudge that sticks out above the elbow. Well, one day, a few years ago, it was unbearable hot outside, so I decide that, screw it, I'm wearing a short sleeve t-shirt to class!

Um, no. I managed to handle the reflection situation, but as soon as I stepped out on the front porch, I was overcome by anxiety and had to run in and change. It IS absurd. Who cares? Logically I know that most people are too consumed with themselves to notice my arms, however fat they may be. Do I really think I have arms that could cause a riot?

((hugs))

I can feel your pain just reading your post. I'm sorry you feel that way. I know you probably won't believe this, but you *are* pretty! I see a truly beautiful woman when I look at your picture and I promise you, I wouldn't just say that. :-)

You said: I can definitely relate to this (except substitute "fat and ugly" for "ugly")! I also refrain from talking about my weight loss for fear others will think I am bragging or acting like I think I am suddenly hot now or something.

On the mirror issue, I have that problem, but in reverse. For awhile, I found myself obsessed with my image, wanting to look at myself in store windows, mirrors or any other reflective surface so that I could keep confirming to myself that yep, I'm just as fat and ugly as I thought I was. And hoping that maybe this one time that I looked I'd see the "thinner me" that others say they see.

I've gotten much better at not doing this in the last month or so, but for the longest time (still sometimes am) I was convinced people were lying to me to make me feel good about myself when they told me I looked just fine at the weight I was at. When I look in the mirror, I see a bigger person than others say they see. I did some research on this and it's actually common among those of us who've been overweight for long periods of time. It's been dubbed, "phantom fat".

Anyway, yes I would suggest going to talk to someone. Sometimes just the talking helps you feel better and sort out what exactly is going on in your head.

I think this post was a little too personal and it seemed to kill the thread so I decided to remove it. I'll write something less intense in it's place. haha

I was trying to make the point that they always want to tell us that there is some mental or physical problem with us other than the obvious.

Why shouldn't a fat person be terrified of mirrors? Why shouldn't an ugly person create a more attractive persona to act through so they can get through the day? Why should an unattractive person spend a lot of time and effort getting made up when they're going to look like a wreck anyway?

It makes sense.

We are so numbed. So many people are on antidepressants that they don't FEEL any emotion anymore. They just go through life "blah". I enjoy feeling highs (like when I watching some George Carlin stand up) and it makes sense to feel lows (I'm depressed because I saw myself in the mirror).

I don't think it's a "disorder". I think it's life. And sorry if my previous post made anyone uncomfortable.

I have been diagnosed with BDD as well. I also have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Yuck. No matter how much weight I lose, I will always see this FAT person in the mirror. Medication and therapy do not seem to change that.

I must be ugly and fat though, because despite putting make up on and doing my hair just so, people have come and informed me that I am ugly nonetheless. So I must be. I used to do Youtube videos and there was this endless onslaught of people writing mail to me, telling me how un-pretty and fat I was. I still am. Ick! Look at me! I'm feeling sorry for myself. I don't mean to. I just meant to point out that I have BDD as well.

I hope we all find a solution for this problem. Wouldn't that be great?

MrsLovett

Maybe counseling would help you. I remember your thread from a few months ago about how repulsed you were with other overweight people in your life, (specifically your mother and potential Boy Friend) and how they made you uncomfortable because they would not do something about their weight like you were... Now you say you feel the same way about yourself...but in your last thread you seemed to feel pretty good about yourself...It is interesting for sure. Some things you say make me think that maybe BDD isn't your problem. Like for example you said you had an anxiety attack on your door step when you were about to wear a T-shirt to class, (showing your arms), and going back inside to change, but in your avatar picture you have a halter top on...showing more than your arms to 1000's of people....so it must not always be so bad for you. Also, you say you think you are ugly, but your call yourself pretty in your screen name, so a part of you doesn't find yourself ugly...know what I mean? If you have this disorder, it seems that you don't have it all the time, you just go though phases...maybe PMDD? I don't know, but if I were you, I'd deffinately seek help. Sounds like a painful life.

Maybe it's not normal for a nearly 400 lb woman to look in the mirror and like what she sees, but when I was, I did.

When I met my husband (over 400 lbs), I liked what I saw - he had kind eyes and a magical laugh.

Maybe I should be avoiding mirrors, and hiding until I'm a size and shape that is more attractive and socially acceptible.

I don't buy it. I think that even the Hunchback of NotreDame, the Elephant Man, Shrek and Fiona.... have a right to enjoy every freedom and wonderful gift that life has to offer without shame or embarassment.

It may be more normal (for a person in my situation) to have more fear and shame - but if I'm the one who is crazy I wouldn't trade my insanity for a moment.

Even if your fears are justified (and I am NOT saying that they are), they do not have to imprison you. Getting help to conquer your fears and have a free and independent, and enjoyable life is a prize worth almost any price.

I'd rather be self-deluded (and think that I look fine, and sometimes even pretty) than to be miserable (thinking I owe it to the world to keep my ugliness from them).


Regardless of whether your feelings are normal or justified, if they keep you from living and enjoying your life, then getting help to do that makes sense.

Even if a person is frightening to look at - like the woman whose face and hands were bitten off by her friend's chimp, or like burn victims and people with hideous deformities - even then, such a person has every right to a free and happy life. It isn't their responsibility to spare the world the sight of them.


If you're not happy, talk to someone. It doesn't matter whether your fears are justified or not, talk to someone who has experience in helping people conquer fear (usually ministers and counselors have that experience).

Good for you, Kaplods. I think it's great if an overweight person or a person with other deformities can think of themselves as attractive. I didn't mean to sound like they shouldn't. I was just trying to say that I think it's normal and acceptable if they don't. I don't think it's a "disorder" if they feel unattractive - I think it's just reality. If they can see past the flaws and find beauty, it's a mark of strong character and strength. Not everyone can pull that off easily.

And Lori Bell made a pretty good point. Calling yourself "ThicknPretty" and posting a picture of yourself in a halter top doesn't really sound like the behaviors of someone with BDD. You've acknowledged that you have fat arms, your problem is that you "literally feel like you have the fattest arms in the world". So the problem probably isn't BDD but just plain old exaggeration. A lot of people with addictive personalities have a tendency to exaggerate - talk about themselves as if they're much greater or worse than they really are - take their self-image to extremes. I'm not saying you're an addict, but I'm sure it's a common symptom of many other disorders if you REALLY think you have one. I guess everyone wants one now. Geez.

I didn't take offense (it's pretty hard to offend me), I'm just very biased towards counseling. I've found it very rewarding on "both ends of the couch," so to speak. I have B.A. and M.A. degrees in psychology - though I've never been a clinical psychologist, I did a fair amount of counseling when working in substance abuse and law enforcement (as aprobation officer).

I don't think counseling is only for people who aren't normal or functional. Just as I don't see a doctor only when I'm critically ill, I think it makes sense to see a counselor, even for a relatively minor problem in your life. Just having an objective opinion from someone who doesn't have a vested interest in your decision (even online you can't be sure that the people you're talking to don't have hidden agendas).

A good counselor, is paid to be unbiased and to help you decide who you want to be, and how to become that person.

Who couldn't use that kind of input in their life?

kaplods - I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy reading your posts. They are always well thought out, intelligent, wise and compassionate and I look forward to reading them. When I first joined I tried to send you a pm telling you this but I didn't have enough posts to send pm's.

MrsLovett - I am so sorry you were made to feel so badly about your physical appearance by rude, cruel and thoughtless people. It hurts me for you to even read about such nasty comments. Unfortunately the anonymity of the internet often gives people the false bravado to say things that are so ignorant and hurtful.

From what I can see in your picture, you are certainly not ugly. However, I believe "beauty" is much more than what a person sees with the eyes. Someone can be physically beautiful (by man's standards) yet the ugliest person of all. As kaplods said, everyone deserves to have a happy fulfilling life, regardless of their appearance.

Hmmm....

The picture: Taken 6 years ago. Sorry to inform you. At that point in time, my arms did not keep me up at night like they do now.

The screen name: I chose that because every time I log in, I have to use it...and I figured it might help.

I never feel okay about myself. I feel better about myself as a PERSON for dieting and trying to work out, but I don't ever like what I see in the mirror. Never once. My frustration with my mother is that she doesn't seem to care either way...and I'm tortured by it. How can we be so different? How can she be okay with the way she is and I can't? It seems unfair. I mean, I'm glad my mom doesn't have the same anxieties I do, but I just wonder what it is that makes me want to cry when I look in the mirror and makes her shrug and say whatever or even say, hey I look good.

I just want to be able to look in the mirror and see the actual composite image of all my negatives AND positives. You know? Just see it all...the good, the bad, the ugly, the PRETTY...an actual accurate reflection. I've managed to come to understand that what I see can't necessarily be true...but maybe it is? I feel like Alice in Wonderland..."So is my nose really that big or is it my perception? Clearly my stomach is huge, but maybe...I don't know, is it okay? What does it LOOK like?" WHO KNOWS?!

I appreciate all the responses. I was not attempting to self diagnose. I, like everyone, have ups and downs and good days and bad days. My good days never include thinking I look normal or pretty...they are the days when I give up. Those are usually the days I don't wear make up or perfume and wear baggy gross clothes and maybe not even wash my hair. Who cares...it doesn't matter.

I'm really just interested in getting to know other people who have or think they might have this disorder or some form or symptoms of it. I probably will seek counseling.

Kaplods...as always, I enjoyed reading your posts, they are always very informative and factual. Thank you.

Lori Bell, in regards to your pointing out possibly obvious 'contradictions' found within ThicknPretty's post/past postings - I think you are absolutely correct.

There are, for example, contradictions in having a picture in which I am wearing a tank top, yet where I write in my post, I cannot leave the house in a t-shirt.

However, most of us here have identities which change daily, hourly. If you, Lori Bell, were 'consistent' in nature, i.e. an unchanging identity, you wouldn't need to be a member of the maintainer's club - simply because you would rest assured that the choices you make today will be the choices you make tomorrow. But you aren't and you constantly need to remind yourself.

Our identities are made up of contradictions. One minute its "No", and the next its "Yes".