If you really believe he was speaking from his heart, than i think he must have really meant them (ie, he wasnt saying them in anger).
Im so sorry.
The problem isnt you, its him (you said yourself he must be shallow).
He doesnt love you unconditionally, and you DESERVE to be loved unconditionally.

I suppose I should state up front that I'm not good with relationships, but when you say you're not fighting and he's being really nice, I say that's sad if that's him being nice! By now, I would have told him to get his stuff and leave if he can't bring himself to touch you! Idiot man!

The others are right -- you deserve to be loved unconditionally, and he's just shallow. Blackmailing you into losing weight isn't right. Do it for you!

And counseling might not be a bad idea.

I just want to send you a huge hug.....I'm sorry but he sounds like a jerk and I don't agree with how he talks to you one bit.

Eh I really don't know what to say to you- if my husband told me what yours did I'd probably leave- but I'm guessing that might not be an option for you (and you probably also still really love him despite the hurt he's causing you).

One thing I notice from your post- you say when you get home you cook, your doing the cleaning, groceries, etc- does your husband do anything around the house? Maybe you guys need to discuss what you said here- that you are so busy cooking, cleaning, doing chores, etc, that you don't have the time- BUT that you would be willing to make more of an effort with your appearance if he did more around the house. Would that be a good compromise? Write down what you do when you get home- and see what he

Being comfortable around the house also doesn't mean you have to wear really ratty and ugly stuff. I wear sweats around the house but they are clean, no holes, and some of them are kind of cute- I also didn't pay a lot for them cuz I got them at walmart. Same with tshirts- I got cute shirts here and there for a few dollars that I wear at home- if one gets too old and ugly- I throw it out- I can always get more.

I would not and could not make a home, let alone make love, to someone that belittled me. I could not allow someone to berate me or say those things to me. I would rather be alone for the right reasons than to be with someone for the wrong ones.

That being said, I realize everyone is different and there is no way I can understand both sides of the story from this post. I encourage you to find a way to love yourself and take care of yourself. In the end, that's ultimately what we all have--ourselves. My thoughts are with you.

This. Because I was struggling with what to say without being just negative, and these are all the words I was looking for.

Yes, he can be a jerk sometimes. It's a shame, actually because he's a nice guy otherwise.

I make a very good salary, so I don't walk around looking like he says I do. I wear stuff with no holes in it either; I usually wear nice sweats with a nice shirt, so I don't know why he says that. And I can't buy my stuff at WalMart because I'm tall, so I usually buy my stuff online at Woman Within - he complains because I don't wear jeans. I haven't worn a pair of jeans for a very long time. Once I got into a size 20+, I stopped wearing jeans. He makes our bed in the morning - that's pretty much the extent of that. If he's not working O/T, I'll ask him to bring up the basket of laundry that I've done. And he'll fix stuff around the house - sometimes. He has to "be in the mood" as he says, which makes no sense. I'm never in the mood to do laundry, grocery shop, cook, clean, etc, but I do it anyway. That's ok....once I get my program in, I won't be doing any cooking except steaming veggies and grilling chicken and healthy stuff. No more baked lasagna, homemade cheesecake and shrimp & clams tossed with linguini in a light blush sauce. If he wants the fattening stuff, he can go out to a restaurant. That will be MY payback for all of this crap he talks!!

Well, I have a 10 year old daughter that needs BOTH parents, so I'll deal with it for now. Now, he doesn't go around and say this stuff all the time. That doesn't make it right and I'm sure not making any excuses for the man, but he's a great dad and a good person. He just hates me being fat. They say paybacks are a *****. Well, once I start cooking super healthy all the time, that will be my just desserts

Thanks I know the situation sounds horrible - and it kind of is. I don't feel very loving to him right now because of what he said last weekend. I am pretty much staying away from him. I'm cordial and pleasant, but I don't want to be near him, so I usually just go in our bedroom and watch TV or go on the computer.

I'm living to get thin and healthy right now. I can't even tell you all how much I want this. "Be careful what you wish for" is what comes to mind right now. Not for me...but for my husband. He really needs to be careful what he wishes for. Cause when I get thin - I know my confidence WILL come back. And the old Linda WILL come through. And she was a firecracker - she oozed with confidence and self respect. She's going to go places. Fun places. And the hubby's jaw will be dropping. The shoe will soon be on the other foot.

I appreciate all who have written. You all have been very kind and not judgmental and I appreciate that. I already like this site I feel at home here. I look forward to making good friends with you all!

-Linda

*yay For Jerseygirls!*

It's pretty unhealthy for your daughter to see a pattern of domestic abuse and your putting up with it and not leaving him says that is ok.

I couldn't get on track in that kind of environment. I'd want to strangle him. (Does that count as exercise? )

Just to share. Every one can be a jerk sometimes, but it takes a special kind of jerk to constantly berate you over the same thing when he knows it makes you depressed. What this man has said is extremely harsh and emotionally abusive.

On the other hand (jerks aside), why can't you wear the nicer clothes you own? Or put on a little more make up in the morning? Stains can come out. Most men are pretty visual. I know it's easy to get into comfortable clothes after work, but if he appreciates it, why not?

Personally, I think sweats are from the devil :P