I am 5'4 and was 113lbs this morning but I keep binging.
I am recovering from annorexia and when I eat I really eat...

I don't know how it fits in but afterwards I feel so lost, confused and ashamed. I don't know what to do or where to go. I just want to have a healthy relationship with food but I can't even seem to work out a recovery plan for myself

I suppose I am just looking for a friend, I am 17 years old and I don't know what is going on anymore.

What really helped for me was to realize that there was a hidden part of me that was addicted to feeling shameful. Due to events of my childhood and low feelings of self-esteem, I was subconsciously driven to prove to myself that I was unworthy. By having the courage to face this fact, I can better recognize why I sometimes do the self-sabotaging things I do, which for many years now has been an unhealthy relationship with food.

So, I ate to stuff my feelings down, to preoccupy my senses so that I didn't have to face the shameful and fearful feelings that were bothering me. And then I hated myself for being so weak which had the effect of further "feeding" the shame and fear. A vicious cycle. But have faith that it can be overcome.

I don't know if my experience helps you, but in any case, be kind to yourself and keep hanging in there. Realize that it is a process and that there are no "quick" fixes. Allow yourself the room to learn from your mistakes. Allow yourself to be present and enjoy the journey.

Hi sweetheart,

First, don't be too hard on yourself. You should be extremely proud that you're moving past a destructive pattern and looking for solutions, go give yourself a pat on the back!

I found one book that can be very instrumental in developing a healthy relationship with food again, and it's called "Eat To Live" by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. I had a destructive eating history, like you, although mine was bingeing followed by 'purging' with excessive exercise. It was a bad cycle.

This book was a huge lifesaver for me. I even gave me the freedom to binge, but suddenly I was bingeing on bags of pre-cut broccoli, and not on bad foods. What I appreciate about this book, and you might too, is that it teaches you how these foods will HELP and nourish you. I signed up on the forum just to pass this advice along because I feel for ya and your predicament, and thought it would be worth suggesting. It has helped me tremendously to get over an eating disorder.

Remember, take care of yourself, and you haven't screwed up at all - you're taking things in a very positive direction. Best wishes!

Nora

Sometimes when we have unhealthy relationships with food, we CAN'T do it by ourselves. We need outside help.

I know I did, and I felt lost, confused, and ashamed for a very, very long time. I'm working on that, but in the meantime, working on my relationship with food has proven so beneficial.

I wasn't going to give you advice, but rather relate my own experiences, but I will give you a single piece of advice: WRITE. Journal. Ask yourself (and go on for pages if you need to--it's hard to get started, but once you get into it, it gets easier, and the more you write, the more you'll understand) if you actually love food or hate it, what it means to you, and how you tend to attempt to control it. Did you use it to soothe yourself, punish yourself, or reward yourself? Why do you feel you need certain foods so badly? '

Writing has saved my life more than once. I strongly, strongly, strongly recommend it.

Hang in there. It *does* get better. No matter how bad you feel now, you *can* feel better, and you *can* redefine your relationship with food on your terms. You're here, and that's a great first step.

I know I'm not alone when I say "We're rooting for you!"

This is *really* powerful and really resonates with me.

Thank you very, very much, Presence.

EarthShaker -- thanks for the thanks! I appreciate your wise advice as well. Glad that we are all here to support each other. Our pain and our struggles are transformed into blessings when we can learn from them and then reach out to others through our experiences.

This forum is an amazing resource and I'm so glad to have found it!