I'm so sorry, I'm new here and already I'm posting a big whinge. I'm sat here literally crying my mood has been that bad. I don't quite know how to explain it but I'll do my best. I'm sorry that it's long.

I had bulimia up until about 9 years ago and although I managed to drop the purge part, I've never really kicked the bing eating part. I try to diet and I do ok for a few days and then something will happen and I give up and go on a big eating spree. Anyway, my doctor in his infinate wisdom tried to put me on Prozac to deal with 'low mood' and it made me so miserable my eating disorder briefly returned. I'm better now I'm off the Prozac but my eating has been irratic ever since and I struggle to find balance. My nutritionist put me on the GI diet which works when I stick to it but my will power is week when faced with sugery treats.

Well at the moment things are pretty stressfull. I going through a redundancy process at work and although it's not till Dec 2010, I owe money and cannot afford to not have work so I'm stressing out and applying for everything I can. I briefly split up with my boyfriend last week as well, partly because my job means that unless something comes up where I am now, to find simmilar work I'd have to move cities (I work in research at universities) and partly because he'd been lying to me.

Today I tried to speak to a professor about doing a PHD course and was all excited until I was told that experience counted for nothing and unless I had that piece of paper with MSC written on it I stood no chance.

Also I had my writing course this evening which is probably the only 2hrs of the day I've really enjoyed but because of the timing I couldn't go home to eat tea and therefore my eating has been all over the place today and I've ended up eating too much. I've also given in to too many sweets and shoved them into my mouth without thinking and without even really chewing. It was manic like I was in a speed eating contest it was that out of control.

I also get scared when I start to diet because I'm frightened of going back to the ED. I find myself getting obssessive with food (I'm not allowed to use a diary) and a lot of the diet information around is the same slogans and motivational speaches you get on pro ana/mia sites so I get confused as to where the boundries between healthy dieting and ED are.

So I supose really I need to know that I'm not the only one going through this and that there is hope for me because today I don't really see it.

What tricks do you guys have for saying no to temptation and believing that you are strong enough to do this? How do I stop myself from justifying 'that little treat' when I've already had 5 'little treats' that day?

Thanks for listening.

Hi,
I have a hard time resisting the sweets too. I just had family visiting and of course "had" to make my choc. chip cookies...and then had to make another batch for my little brother. I didn't even try to resist!
But I've got a few tricks that might help you. If you buy a package of something you like, as soon as you get home, get some snack size baggies and split it up into individual servings. Then put them all someplace that takes some effort to get to. This way, you know it's in the house, but you can't just go and grab it.
I can actually get panicky if there is no chocolate here! So for this it's a package of extra-dark chips that happen to be bigger than usual, but I keep them in the back of the fridge. When I want them, I get the number listed for one serving and put them in a little bowl, and then I really enjoy them. One at a time, let them melt in my mouth and not have another til the first is gone...

This sounds like I'm a master of control, but I'm a lot better on paper...er, website?..than in real life! But as soon as that last cookie is gone I'm going to get going again. We have a WiiFit Balance Board (son just hooked it back up), and having an animated piece of plastic tell me I'm "obese" every day is a great motivator!

Hi Jellybean.

Congrats on kicking the purge part. It's one step of a very long journey! The fact that you're here means that you have the willpower to lose the weight. We're here to help keep you on track.

I know it's super-hard. I know that all of us have been at this point during our journey.

First thing-- is there a reason why you're choosing not to use a binge-eating diary? It's your choice not to keep one, but I find mine invaluable. It lets me know when I ate, how I was feeling at the time, what I ate, how I felt afterwards and what was going on at home/school during the time and I'm able to identify the triggers for me (usually boredom, but occasionally it's when I feel most vulnerable and lonely). Most people don't like looking back on bad behaviour; it's a form of self-criticism (if only I'd done that, if only, if only!) and lots of people can't take criticism. It's not a failing, it's a fact.

You mentioned a writing course. Cool! I'm a writer too- working on my first novel. I suppose part of what you're working on is peer feedback or critiques? If you can get work with the critique someone gives you when you write, do you think you can use the same critique methods to help you stop bingeing? Not put-downs- never those! But honest constructive criticism (I did really well doing "X"; I liked "A" and "B" because of "C", but it would be better if "Y". This form of feedback already presupposes that you've done well and what you can do to make it better).

There is a fine line between ED and healthy eating and it is hard to figure out where it is sometimes. A healthy dieting regime is eating healthy food with the occasional treat. I think where most people fall down is that they cut out treats completely- no more chips, no more chocolate, can't have lollies, can't go out for dinner, must avoid bread, must avoid dairy, etc. It's a load of bullsh!t because the more you avoid it, the more you want it and when we get it, we binge, we feel like sh!t, and we binge again because we feel like sh!t.

Getting back to the healthy diet vs ED. Firstly, know that a healthy diet *is* the only way to lose weight. Exercise will help. 80% of the weight we lose is through good food choices; the other 20% is through exercise. In order to keep the weight off, you need to commit to both. ED can only hurt your attempts. Without trying to lecture you on WHAT to eat, I can only guide you on how to eat. Whether you take up the guide is up to you.

Firstly, never throw out all the snack food. Keep some of it. It may sound counterproductive, but some times we WANT that chocolate chip cookie. Don't have 15, have 3. But before you do, ask yourself "How am I feeling? Will I want this in 10 minutes? Will something else (crunchy, sweet, gooey) fill this craving?". Most of the time we eat to fill a void- boredom, emotional, social or psychological, even spiritual. As a writer, I use writing as an outlet for my cravings. Sometimes it works, sometimes not (like yesterday!).

Second, try to include 5+ fruits/veg a day (2:3 or 1:4 ratio). You can easily fit these in. A piece of fruit at breakfast, or a grilled tomato on toast; 1 down. 2 cups of salad at lunch; 3 down. A cup and a half of fresh veg for dinner; 5 down. That's actually "more" than 5, it's more like 7, but you get the picture.

Third, allow yourself to make mistakes. We are human and we make mistakes. Get up (mentally) and brush the dust off. Tell yourself "it's okay; I can still get back on track today."

Lastly, if you're worried about the "justifying 'that little treat' when I've already had 5 'little treats' that day", then this is where your willpower and self-discipline needs to kick in. Again, the best thing to ask yourself is "will I want this in 10 minutes?" Invest in a timer or use the timer from the stove or microwave. Set it to 15 minutes, then do something else to keep you occupied. Most of the time, you'll find that you will miss hearing the "ding".

This is all I can offer you except that if you need to, post here. Someone will always read what you have to say.

Here's another

I think you need to take some time to figure out what you want - drs say do this, work says "out the door" here, boyfriend applies this pressure... take some time to figure out what YOU want! If you work towards a goal you don't care about you won't stick to the changes - and don't be any harder than you would on yourself than you would on someone else

Thanks Guys

Your support is much appreciated.

I'm having a better day so far today. I feel more in control and a bit more stable (although I'm still pretty down in the dumps). So far today eating has gone well, I had a big bowl of porridge for breakfast and I've had grapes as a snack. The mornings are usually easier though so hopefully I can carry it on through today. One day at a time right?

Wicketbird - thanks I'll try that! I'm usually pretty rotten at eating just one portion of something I like so if I hide them somewhere maybe that will help

Mollz - I think keeping a binge diary would be a good idea. I'm not allowed o keep a food diary where I record everything I eat because thats when I start to get obssesive and start trying to starve myself. I actually compete with myself to eat less calories than I did the day before. Silly isn't it? Keeping a diary of just the times I binge though and what provoked it could be very useful indeed. Thanks!

I love to write and I'm working on a book too but this is the first time I've done a writing course and it's just my second week so no big critiques yet. I've had some positive feedback from the group about exercises in class though. I guess I could tie this in with the binge diary?

I'm actually pretty good at getting my 5 a day fruit and veg because there aren't many I don't enjoy My meals are pretty healthy usually too (except when the OH insists on having a curry or Chinese food) so it's generally the food I eat outside of meal times that throws me off course. I think I'll have to try the timer idea for avoiding those foods!

lostbutstilltrying- I think your right. I need to spend some time on me and stop worrying about pleasing others all the time.

Hi Guys, Hope your OK.

So far so good.

This afternoon was hard. I was sat at my desk after lunch (roll with a bit of coronation chicken in it, a huge side salad and a bag of crisps) more than enough to fill me up and yet I still just wanted to eat! I had one Chewitt which I sucked really slowley and drank lots of squash so that helped. It lasted forabout 1 1/2 hours so I wrote about it my new binge diary (thanks mollz).

I've just had tea which was a salamon fishcake, broccoli, carrots, a corn cob and potato. I felt like I wanted a choc ice after but i'm just sat here drinking my tea and that feeling is fading slowley. I think by the time I've had a bath it will be gone! Yay!

Fingers crossed for the rest of the night.

Hmm, the evening is usually the worst time an last night it feel appart in style.

It started with allowing myself 2 peanut cookies. They were nice so I had two more. Then I wanted a choc ice and gave in and had one. And the another. Finally, I followed that lot up with a cheese topped roll and and a marmalade sandwich. I'm still trying to figure out why.

Trying again today.

Hey -- I'm new here too, and I've had similar troubles with bingeing lately. I've binged almost every day for the past two weeks! Truly awful, but it has helped me, reading your post. It helps me feel like I'm not alone, or a horrible person, and like we're doing this together. That alone might help me get back on track. So thank you!

Jellybean, I'm proud of you for adding that you're going to try again today. I think persistence is one of the most important parts of successfully losing weight, even if it's also one of the hardest.

Also, do you get particularly hungry at night? Once the clock strikes 10 pm, I start craving sugar and carbs, so I've picked up lots of little tricks for dealing with it. If I think a piece of fruit can satisfy the sugar craving, I go for that. If I just want to be chewing something (like if I'm watching TV or doing work and it has nothing to do with actually being hungry), I chew gum and keep a huge bottle of water handy. The water makes me feel full, and the gum keeps me chewing.

That said, I know it's a fine line between "healthy eating" and an ED. I've struggled with ana/mia issues too in the past, and I know exactly what you mean. If you're hungry at any point because you genuinely haven't eaten enough, make sure you up your caloric intake! The above suggestions (about fruits and gum) are only intended to keep you from binging if you've already had a sufficient amount of calories that day.

You can do this.