And I don't know where else to post it but mods, feel free to.

I know people with weight issues are sensitive. If I had to think of 2 adjectives for me myself, it would be 'fat and sensitive'. A hug for me.

but

Sometimes our own sensitivities just have to take a back seat. In the last couple of days, there have been 2 threads where people OP'd in good faith, and some people didn't like what was said, and some people took great leaps of hurt, and one was locked and the other vanished (or maybe I didn't look hard enough in the right place).

I was just as upset a few months ago, when someone posted about not eating enough calories - but some people who don't have that problem chose to take that as boasting, and no amount of saying that it was a geunine worry, not a boast, would convince them.

There are not many times I've seen people be deliberately unpleasant. There are lots of times when I don't agree with what people say but I don't take it as a personal insult.

I'm sad at the minute because it feels like if someone speculates on/wonders about the 'wrong' thing, if enough people say 'you're hurting me, ow ow ow' then the OP is made to feel really wrong for having the thought.

Sometimes other people's views upset us. That's life.

I love this site to bits. You're all my total lifeline. I don't want (me or anyone else) to feel afraid to post.

I can't say that I have seen anyone be deliberatly unpleasant. I have seen people who may misunderstand what someone is saying. For the most part I have seen support and compassion. These forums, just like life are made up of all kinds of people. I don't know who you are referring to as being locked out. For every comment that seems negative I have seen at least two that are positive.

I've been on many weight loss sites, and this is by far the friendliest, with the least amount of intentional or extreme arguing, nastiness and aggressive/angry posts. If you ever think it gets mean or petty here, visit a few of the other sites, and you'll realize how polite, nice, and civil this site is.

On this site, the moderators do lock or remove threads that go in negative directions, but just as in real life - the only way to avoid hurting or offending anyone is to say nothing (or at least nothing important). And if you're going to encourage people to be open and honest - you have to expect that the responses and replies are going to be equally open and honest, and sharing emotions, not just factual information openly and honestly sometimes gets messy.

I think it's interesting that you say "Sometimes other people's views upset us. That's life." Because, yes it is - it's also life that when we say something that hurts someone else (whether intentionally or not, and whether we consider it "resonable" or not) there's a good chance that the person is going to tell us, and we've got to be prepared for that, as well. We can choose to blame them, we can choose to be completely unconcerned about who we hurt or why, or we can acknowledge their feelings and choose to continue the conversation or not.

A somewhat thick skin is necessary when discussing certain subjects, and weight loss is one of those subjects. What one person considers honest and appropriate, another person may find highly offensive. And if you're going to want a site in which no one is afraid to post on something they feel is important - it also needs to apply to people who are offended or hurt by another persons comments and wants to communicate that.

Just as any person should feel free to post - so should people who disagree, and even people who are hurt by the post and feel the need to express it.

I think what one cannot expect here is to get only a certain kind of response. Even if it were possible, if disagreements and expressions of hurt and offense weren't allowed, we wouldn't get to discuss much in any depth. You can only discuss important subjects deeply if you're willing to be honest, but also willing to receive and respond to others taking offense at what you say - and saying so.

I have a very thick skin, but if a person offends or angers me - I'm likely to say so. I don't expect the other person to "just shut up," I expect them to continue to defend their position as long as they hold it - and I expect myself to continue to defend MY position as long as I hold it. By discussing and even arguing, not only the facts but how we feel about those facts, I think we all learn more that way.

I do see some situations where the OP has been misunderstood, but I have also seen situations where a post is made with all good intentions but it IS hurtful to others. The first poster certainly didn't intend that, but sometimes apologies are in order...sometimes not.

I think that 99.99999% of posts made here are made in good faith. I don't think that anyone means to be hurtful, but sometimes people get hurt anyway because, as you say, many of us are sensitive when it comes to our weight issues. So even though the first poster may have NO ill will at all, I think it's OK for someone to say, "Ow, that hurt me" and it's OK for the original poster to say, "I didn't mean to hurt you but I'm sorry that I did."

I'm speaking of generalities here. I don't know about people getting locked out and vanishing; I must have missed something somewhere. I hope that, when I say something hurtful (and I'm human, so I eventually will accidently do this), that someone will feel free to say, "Ouch, that hurt me" so that I can apologize.

I love this place. There is another forum (on a different website, not here) that I sometimes lurk in, and it is generally helpful but there is a very strong clique-ish attitude and some very critical, nasty undertones. I am so glad we don't have that here....so very, very glad.

I can't recall seeing anyone be deliberately mean.

I'm an old hand at forums of all kinds and I realize that people can misunderstand what we're typing, there is no eye contact or physical keys to what's on the screen.

I know I tend to ramble and can come across a bit hard nosed, I don't mean to, I just don't always get my words right.

OTOH, I rarely get offended, by anyone on a forum, unless they are very blatantly obnoxious.

I try to look at it as taking all the opinions and using them to help me form an informed opinion.

See, I'm rambling again.

Well said by all - sometimes honesty hurts. Each of us have buttons that can be pushed, agreed that 99.9999999% of the time nothing said here is hurtful. Hopefully those who have been hurt can say just that and we can continue to gain strength and continue on with this journey toward better health.

I'm not sure what has happened to spark the post but have experienced some hurt feelings and misunderstandings in posts lately also when I meant none or none was meant.

I want support from this site - sometimes support isn't all easy - hard things need to be said.

I appreciate each of you for your support!

I personally think there are a few people, that I have seen, who are very opinionated and often do not realize how they come across. Meaning they are not trying to be rude or perhaps cold with the intention of hurting another. I try to remember that when I see something that "irks" me lol.

I remember when I was first becoming active and still "new," a member pretty much singled me out randomly and started the "I KNOW I'm right and you should do what I do because I KNOW!" and well...it was a bit of a "hmmmmm" thing for me and I can see how something like that can make someone afraid to post or just unsure if that makes sense. My reaction was to shrug it off and ignore it as the thread wasn't even about me to begin with lol. The comments were not meant to hurt me personally and I really truly honestly believe they came from a good intention, but the way it was say executed wasn't the most positive lol. It wasn't smooth sailing and I can say that if I had responded and debated blah blah...it would have just been a big negative thing. So, on the one hand I think my own personal responsibility is to remember the good intentions aspect, but also my own part in things.

I do think there are people who will be cruel and will hurt others. I've seen it here and have seen it everywhere. That is just the way it is when you have a community of people coming together with people coming and going. Someone is going to be intentionally rude and/or mean, but I do believe that the majority of the people have good intentions are genuine and nice and supportive. I do think the mods do a great job here, i could be biased as I love this place and the people lol.

I like what bargoo said, for every negative you find two positives. I really like that way of thinking and gggirls is right, this place is about supporting each other and friendship! I really do appreciate every person here, even the ultra opinionated that can IRKS me lol.

I'm glad I read this thread, as I had also felt at times belittled or as if a poster was being intentionally mean, but I also know that sometimes I misunderstand the intent or have no way of really knowing the motivation behind a seemingly hurtful comment. One thing I have kept in mind is a saying I learned in al-anon and that is
"Take what you like and leave the rest."

I know that we all come from different backgrounds and things we say that, to us, are completely innocent, can be misunderstood by others who come from a different place, family, lifestyle, or are in a different emotional state. We just try to do the best we can to support each other truthfully, lovingly, and maturely. I have also been on other sites where almost every comment had a negative slant, so I know 3fc'ers really do try to stay positive and helpful. But, as with any kind of advice, we can only use what feels right for us and sometimes we have to "leave the rest" and just move on to another thread.

I have been here a very long time and I know that I have offended some of you...but I never did it on purpose or on a personal basis.

I know that SUPPOPRT is the main reason we are here...however I also know many of us use this site for entertainment.

Over the years I have tried to stir things up a bit....wink...with my threads...

All of this though has been outside of the "overweight box"....

A gal was closed out here a few days ago...one that went head to head with me on issues and also supported me in others...

We are all different people...if we were sitting around a table viewing each other's expressions and feeling their emotions things might be different in some of the threads.

There was a gal...since closed out...a while back that took something I said about divorce...in general...before she even posted...personal...like I was attacking her...no matter how I tried to apologize or explain she wasn't having anything to do with it...but from that day on she just kept up her attack on me..

If I see someone on here I don't agree with...I just move on...

too much good stuff here to allow the negative to bother us...

so...if you don't care for me...move on...

for those that enjoy my support and humor....hugs!

Out of all the forums I have been to this is the best by far. Another forum I visited was giving me terrible advice IMO. Like they weren't even listening to what I had to say! Even when I explained my medical condition I was basically treated like I was giving excuses.

I don't think people normally go intentionally out of their way to hurt others here- but weight loss is such a sensitive subject that it's easy to get offended if you misunderstand what is said.

I am sure I have caused a ruffled feather or two but much like EZ, it has never been intentional or a personal attack against anyone. I have had a time or two where my feelings were hurt and one time that really sticks out because no way to hide that the person was being malicious but I got over it. I really love and need the support I do get from 3FC. The people that post things I may not agree with, I generally just make the decision to not post a response because for me, I am not one to get into drama, especially cyber drama. I also do feel that sometimes there are people that are ganged up on for their beliefs and even if I don't agree with that belief, I still do not agree it is okay for others to be openly aggressive with their responses. I do realize as well that this is the internet and things can get misunderstood easily. For me, I will just continue to pass over the posts that get under my skin.

Hey!

I think you'll find that any poster who is being deliberately hurtful or argumentative, and especially one who is resistant to changing their ways upon being told about it, doesn't last long around here. The moderators and admins intend 3FC to be a helpful place, not a place where people put each other down.

Of course, many other folks don't intend doing any harm, so the benefit of the doubt is often a good way to start.

I've been here for some years, and yes, from time to time we do have some interesting blowups... We've also had our share of trolls, people who have The Answer, spammers, and so on. But mostly, people try to get along.

It's a good idea to review the "Agree to Disagree" sticky post from time to time just as a reminder.

Of course, we can all pick on EZMONEY if we like...

Jay

Oh and ps - I do enjoy you, EZ!!

Agreed. And it is sometimes also easy to get so caught up in our own weight-loss thing that we sometimes say something thoughtless or unintentionally hurtful. It's a human thing and it's really not that common at all that it happens here, but when it does, it would be nice if it were acknowledged and then everyone could just move on.

It's like those threads where we commiserate over the terrible things that people in our real lives have said to us. Most of the time, even those people really didn't mean to be hurtful at all; they are usually just being clueless or thoughtless. But it can still sting, and it's not always the fault of the recipient when this happens.

For the most part, we need to just keep doing what we are doing. Some people are huggers and sympathizers, some people are friendly, motivational butt-kickers, and some are in between. We need all those folks here, because that way the help comes in all shapes and forms and can be heard by the most people who are here seeking support.