I went to visit my parents this weekend. It's the first time my mom had seen me since Christmas. She commented on me being "skinny" (I put the word in quotes because "skinny" and "fat" are subjective) when she met me at the train station. When she took me back to the train station, she said I shouldn't lose any more weight. I must've made a face that said, "Wth?" and I asked, "So I'm too skinny?" And she paused and said, "You're perfect." [So not true--no one's "perfect". We're all wonderful little wildly imperfect beings.]

I'm curious as to what you all think, since we all struggle with body image issues, and comments from other people, and feedback about whether we're "too fat" or "too skinny" or not eating enough, or exercising wrong, etc.

Is it "okay" for someone to make a judement on my body in some circumstances, but not in others? Like, is it okay for my mom to tell me not to lose any more now that I'm "skinny"? Is it the same as if she had told me not to gain any more weight, since it's still a judgement? Is it "okay" for her to tell me not to lose any more if I'm close to goal but "not okay" if I could healthily lose 30 pounds? Would it be okay if she had told me not to gain any more if it was for my health? Is it okay if she tells me not to lose any more if it's for my health? Is it ever okay for anyone to ever say anything other than "You're my friend/relative/love of my life and I think you are fabulous"?

I'm curious--what do you all think? Is judement still judgement, regardless of how it's intended or the size of the body being judged? Or is it sometimes "okay?"

I think it's ok for loved ones to express concern. They may not always know how to express it perfectly, but as you say no one's perfect.

I hope I misunderstood, and you don't believe you could still lose 30 lbs safely. You're already fairly close to the low-end of the health/weight charts. I'm a stranger and yet I do feel compelled to ask, "are you sure you think this is a good idea?" Does that mean I am being judgemental? I don't think so. Of course the question does reflect my judgement (judgement in the sense that I'm using my reasoning ability and personal experience to ask the question out of interest in your well-being).

I think that no matter what, only ever saying "You're my friend/relative/love of my life and I think you are fabulous"? is not only unrealistic, it's a disservice to the people we love. When we see people doing things we think are dangerous or damaging, unconditional support or avoiding the subject certainly can't be worse than voicing our concerns.

Voicing concerns appropriately is difficult, for everyone. Because we all do make judgements, because we're wired that way (and it's necessary). If we didn't make judgements, we could let someone walk off a cliff, because "hey, it's their choice, and who am I to say what's right or wrong for their life."

I think it's "ok" to express concern. I think it's also appropriate to take such concern from others with a grain of salt. I can "appreciate" and yet disagree with the reasoning behind a loved one's concern. There will always be people thinking I should take one direction or another with my life. Some of those people will have my best interest at heart, and others won't. I don't have to agree. I don't have to follow the advice, and I can even ask that a person refrain from certain topics because I don't want to hear their opinion/judgement.

I don't think "judgement is still judgement," in the sense that it is always wrong and unhelpful. I think it's necessary to use "good judgement," on the subject, meaning that it is situation-specific whether judgment is a "good" or "bad" thing.

People get worried about eating disorders, and so they say those things. I even had a friend say it to me, and you can bet I am nowhere near being "too skinny." It's a stupid way of saying "You look good now."

I try to take it in stride and just acknowledge the concern--unless they are being too pushy, in which case I can be a bit blunt. I'd say you just need to reassure your mom that you are OK, you're eating in a healthy way, etc. I am of course assuming that you are...

People make judgments every day about hair color, clothing, blah blah blah. It's like the wind blowing in the trees...

Jay

Funny I was just posting to my blog about how my mothers body image issues have sort of colored my own.

My mother considers me fat still, and well I am, I know it. Though others think I am just right. I have come to the conclusion that I can only listen to myself, my personal trainer or a health care professional in matters such as this.

I find other people have ulterior motives for saying the things they do, good or bad... So I guess my answer here is its not okay

I am asked daily if I am done losing weight. I have been told by co-workers that I'm too skinny (they are all overweight themselves), and by others that I shouldn't lose any more weight. They actually argue with me when I tell them that I've been the same weight for almost a year - that indeed - I have no plans to lose any more.

I don't see it as judgment - as was mentioned above, I think it is more a back-hand compliment by some.

I wouldn't worry about it. Mother-daughter dynamics are always delicate - let it pass and do listen to your doctor regarding the correct weight for you. Your healthcare professional really has the total picture and can help you set your goals. Friends and family members aren't qualified to make those decisions on your behalf.

I think that people who have been looking at us our whole lives have a more extreme reaction. I recently lose 17 lbs (still working on the last few!) and when my mom visited last time she said to stop losing weight. But she's used to seeing me a little bigger, so of course I will look "too" skinny to her. If I was 300 lbs and got down to 250, she'd say I look "skinny" but for me 250 would still be overweight. I think as long as we know that we are still healthy and not taking things too far, maybe the comments should be taken with a grain of salt (as the saying goes).

Hi there!

It seems to me that judgement is simply an opinion formed based on what you see/interpret. We pass judgements every single day on pretty much everything, from coffee temperature to the state of traffic to how we slept that night. Our interpretation of another's opinion is where we ourselves make a "judgement" about the "judgement" -- if someone states their opinion, we evaluate this and interpret this as either postive or negative based on our personal values and experiences. So perhaps your evaluation of your mother's opinion says as much about your perceptions about what is said as it does about WHAT she said.

Think of it this way -- you are 5 ft 1 and 115 lbs right now. In your mother's eyes, you look pretty darned fine and she said so. The judgement comes in your interpretation of this which is of course based on your experiences with her and your previous interactions. So perhaps she isn't as "judgemental" as you believe -- perhaps the judgement is in your interpretation of what she said..

I think when it comes to weight, we all carry around a certain set of weight-related thoughts and feelings. Those around us are really in a bind because it really doesn't matter WHAT they say -- it will be interpreted according to that person's pre-existing thoughts about the subject. Like -- if your sister said nothing, there may be the reaction of "I can't believe she didn't notice! I've worked so HARD!". If your sister complements you, there may be the reaction of "There she goes again! Obsessed only with my weight! I wish she'd say nothing!". If she said "you look great! do you think you need to lose more?" there may be reaction of "SEE she's jealous! I KNEW it! Can't she say anything NICE to me?"...when all the comments made may be honest and well-intentioned. We just interpret it differently because of the baggage we carry around.

I think along this journey I have had to be careful NOT to read too much into others' comments nor to read too much into the motivation behind them. I think that it is easy to transfer my own self-thoughts about body size and body issues onto the reactions and comments of those around me, thus fulfilling what I have truly deep-down believed. Kind of like making self-fufilling prophecies, so to speak. I've had to work hard to identify these, and to just let a positive comment be acknowledged and thanked, and to let those comments I perceive as negative go as simply a reflection of the unhappiness of the person delivering them. I just don't let it bother me anymore. Because I'm on my path and am secure in it and the results. It really doesn't matter what others say, ya know????



Kira

I get that alot.

Online people say "I'm in the healthy bmi range so I should only focus on toning"

In person, it depends on what I'm wearing but, I know how to "dress skinny" and I "hold my weight well".

I am also small boned ( I can't wear most bracelets because my wrists are so small) and for those that know my weight or that I tell think I am aiming too low.

My parents have always been obsessed with my weight, so anything they say is not welcome.

I do not think judgements or labels are OK. It sounds like your mother is "raining on your parade" and perhaps bringing her own weight related issues into play. At your height the normal BMI range is 100-130 lbs and you're smack in the middle. Agree with Skullarix and CountingDown that this is between you and your doctor.