My sister said something really sad last week: since she has gained weight she lost interest in taking care of herself.

She used to be effortlessly slim and took great pleasure in showing off her figure in lovely little things. (In fact, she was, IMO, a bit overconcerned about clothes.)

This has changed drastically since she gained some 45lb. It`s trainers, tracksuit bottoms or shapeless jeans with oversized t-shirts. At first she said that she did not want to buy a larger size. She expected to lose the weight more quickly if she had nothing to wear, but this did not happen. I kept suggesting to her that she went and finally bought herself a new wardrobe but she then came up with other excuses such as money (there was always plenty money for sexy things). Hubby is not that image conscious either (he met her when she was already large and does not know her in her posh things) and I thought she had just become comfy (although a bit overly so).

The other day however she poured her heart out about how she loathed herself and feels so ungroomed. She grieves for the woman she was ("I always was the most well dressed woman everywhere") and loathes the woman she has become ("I do not even bother any more wearing a bit of a heel!") but, at the same time, is not motivated to spend a bit of money on herself or indeed cut back on food.

I explained to her that I weigh the same since years and do not feel I need to wear binbags. I said that she can still dress well, although it will be different things at the moment. She however did not take this on. I got the impression that she does not know where to start changing. Although she has now been large for over a year she still has not got used to it, leave alone accepted it. Yet, she won`t cut down on food or buy that much needed new wardrobe. She keeps going on and on about it but is in total denial at the same time.

I wonder whether any of you have experienced this when you first gained weight and how you managed to get out of this. I worry about her and want to help, but we live in different countries and I therefore cannot just take her shopping and choose things for her. But I think if she wore nice clothes that fitted and complemented her she would feel an awful lot better about herself.

Thanks
Stella

I am experiencing a similar situation as your sister. At some point I bought some jeans and slacks in the larger size and a few tops. That made me feel much worse. One day I almost passed out walking about 65 feet to my mailbox. The next day I noticed that the large size slacks were getting kind of tight and so were the jeans. That day I made up my mind not to buy any fat clothes. I am shedding the weight instead of spending money on larger clothes.
Buying larger clothes is not necessarily the answer and might make her feel worse not better.
She needs to find a way to feel better about herself. Ask her what you can do to help her feel better.

I think your sister needs to accept who she is right now -- that's she's whatever size she is right now and buy the appropriate clothes. Once she accepts she is this person, then she can fully decide what she wants to do about it.

Unfortunately, it's not a switch we can flip for other people, no matter how much we want to.

She has gone up 6 dress sizes, and I feel she *desperately* needs to buy larger clothes. The thing I feel strongly about is that she needs to ensure that they are *nice* clothes which make her feel good about herself. Feminine things in flattering shapes and colours. Not shapeless jeans and men`s shirts - they would make most women feel unfeminine regardless of whether they are in great shape or not.

Stella

Your sister sounds a bit depressed. It's kind of a viscious cycle - depression tends to make you care less about your physical appearance, and then you get more depressed because you no longer look the way you want to. I think most of us here have felt that and been there to one degree or another.

Has your sister been to see a doctor? It's probably a good idea, in case there is a medical reason for her sudden weight gain (thyroid issues, true depression, etc...). I know you said she is not eating well, but that may only be a part of the problem.

It is definitely possible to buy nice clothes in larger sizes. I have always been somewhat vain about my clothes , and I refused to wear jeans and a tshirt or sweatpants. A little trial and error will allow her to find what styles and cuts look good on your sister. Styles that looked good 45 pounds ago might still work, or they might look awful - you never know until you try!

Do you have any thrift shops around? Besides being vain about clothing, I am also cheap (aka - broke ), and I find I can get some really nice things for almost no money at thrift stores. It's especially great when you are planning to lose weight or are halfway through a weight loss.

Is there any physical activity she adores? Does she like dancing? What about things like Wii fit or DDR? Martial arts classes? I found that once I was regularly active, I wanted junk food less and less, and it has become a positive cycle. I also felt a LOT less depressed after a good workout.

One important thing that you probably already know, but may be tempted to ignore because you care about her: Dont nag her about her weight or how she looks. If she is asking for your help, then by all means, support her as much as you can, but if you feel that she is not really ready to change, then you might need to wait until she is. We all know how frustrating it can be to have a well meaning relative say something. In my case it was my mother, and it hurt me so much to have her make unasked for 'helpful suggestions'. For some reason, I wasn't ready to make the changes I needed to make until recently, and no amount of 'help' was going to get me to do what I wasn't ready to do.

BP

Thank you for your long reply.

I should have said - her weight gain is due to medication for her Borderline Personality Disorder, in which depression tends to be a feature with minor upsets (although this is not true, clinical depression).

She is aware that the medication increases her appetite, but she is very clear that she needs the meds and swapping them for somethign else is not an option. She has once just stoppe dtaking them because of her weight and experienced all sorts of psychological problems.

Same here! Fact is that she now weighs the same as I have been weighing for years, and she won`t ever have seen me in rags!

I think that she is so used to having a good body that she just does not know how to dress a fuller figure, and she does not bother to find out either. Initially, I understood that she did not intend to wear such clothes for long, but as time went buy she has gained further rather than lost the weight. And there comes a time where you need to just buy the dreaded size because wearing stuff that is several sizes too small (as she did initially) or her man`s things (as she does now) just is not a good look and makes her feel even more **** about herself! She seems to know that she looks like a tramp!

Horseback riding, but she is too heavy for her horse at the moment (horse has arthritis). She says she`d like to try jogging but her knees give her problems (doctor related it to sudden weight gain). Cycling, but bike is still at my dad`s. Swimming but she won`t show herself in a swimsuit. IMO, it`s all excuses. She`d rather sit at home and eat.

I never did (I can`t because I weighed the same up until a few weeks ago). It`s her who goes on and on about the weight, but she is unable to make the changes I suggest. She never mentioned the clothes until last week, and I would never have brought it up, because I was not sure how she felt about it.

I would so love to motivate her to care for herself (makeover and weight loss) but she seems to feel paralysed at the moment and the fact that it`s because of the medication seems to be a perfect excuse. It`s not her fault. She`s a victim.

I did it with a regain.

Last year I had some trouble with my back and by the time we had it figured out and I had a hysterectomy and had 9 weeks off work ... 40 lbs. Nothing in my size 2-4 wardrobe worked.

I did nothing about it (sweats etc) until I had to go back to work. There is no way I could work in xsmall scrubs.

I'm pretty sure that buying new bright scrubs, one pair of jeans that fit, a couple of tops ... had something to do with the oomph I needed to get back in the game. Now, some of that stuff is getting to be too big and I feel fairly motivated every day.

We are such a 'whole' of so many parts. Like someone else said. Like a dog chasing it's tail. You look better, you feel better, you can do more things and that makes you feel better and you want to look better ....

Stella - it all makes sense if your sister has BPD. You are a great sister for trying to help and for understanding that she hasn't chosen to be this way! So many people don't understand the ins and outs of mental health issues!

I know that with many mood stabilizers, increased appetite is a major problem (and the loss of the manic phase can really throw a wrench into weight loss plans). There are some meds that don't have that effect though - if she has not brought the issue up with her psychaitrist, she might want to discuss weather she is on the best med for her specific condition (and mention the weight gain side effect). Many people just take what their doctor gives them without questioning weather there are alternatives available - I don't know if your sister is like that or not, but it's worth checking out. It's really hard to find a med (or combination) that helps without creating new problems, but sometimes a good balance can be found. I agree, that stopping the meds is a *very* bad idea.

I know sometimes the desire to change is strong, but the ability to take the first step is almost impossible. If you think your sister is like that, can you take that first step hand in hand with her? Will she wear clothing that you buy for her? Will she get into a 'girls night out' evening, where you have to get all dressed up and go have fun? If you can budget it, can you treat her to a 'make-over' at a spa or a cosmetics store? Can you hire a stronger horse and go riding? Maybe she can't do it on her own, but if you make concrete plans, she might be able to go along?

Maybe you can disguise it as something *you* want to do, and you really want her to do it with you? Maybe claim you're too shy/afraid/whatever to do it alone?

If nothing works, then you have to accept that your sister is on her own path. Ultimately, your sister is responsible for herself - she has to want this. Not just want the end result, but she has to want to change her life enough to look and feel better. I know it is hard to watch someone continue to make poor choices, but sometimes that is all you can do. Hopefully she will find whatever it is she needs to find in order to motivate herself.

Good luck with your own weight loss journey! It looks like you've put a good start in towards your own goals!

BP

Thank you once again for your very thoughtful post!

She has discussed the side effects with her psychiatrist several times and asked for other options. This was tried once and caused her to be so distressed that she voluntarily asked to swap the meds back. Apparently, thre is nothing else for her. It`s either thin and very distressed or fat and not quite so distressed - she cannot bear the "very distressed" state.

I would so love to do all the things for her which you mentioned, but I live in the UK, while she remains in our native Germany. She is coming in September, and I would love to take her shopping. Her husband is not interesting in clothes (which I suspected to be part of the reason why she no longer seems to be, but this does not seem to be the case), so we need to send him out with mine instead.

You know what, I even started my weight loss regime partially for her. I tried to diet (unsuccessfully) so often, and when she reached the same weight as me we both said, right, we`ll do it together now! But what`s happening - I`m losing and she is not (which actually makes me feel somewhat guilty). Don`t know what to do. If I continue to lose I`d even give her my clothes but these may not be well received. She may feel I`m enjoying the fact that we have switched roles and she is now the fat one...

Thank you for being so understanding.