I am new to this board but have found such wonderful encouragement on the weight loss challenge in my life, I thought I would seek out ideas on how to handle another challenge.

Our 10 year old son has suddenly developed a bad habit of using curse words. My husband and I do not use them. We don't watch TV shows that have them, our music is almost always the local Christian Music station. I know this is coming from school.

I know he is growing older and is experimenting and finding his way. We have talked to him about his Christian witness to others when he uses words that are not pleasing to God.

Have any of you ever gone through this with a child? HOw hard do we come down on him? I feel if we come down too hard it will just push him to use these words more.

He is a good kid. Good grades, church on Sunday, prays, reads his Bible. Just don't won't him to start too far down a slippery slope.

Any ideas or suggestions?

Thanks!

Lynn160

Good luck with this one. I drive a school bus. My elementary kids use the most foul language, even the tiniest ones. I correct them and even write them up but it does no good. I seem to remember lifebouy soap when I was a child. It was quite effective.

If only we could still use the "washing mouth out with soap" technique. Now days we would be charged with abuse. We are hoping that this is just a phase and he is trying to impress us and kids in the neighborhood. I don't think he even knows the meanings to some of the things he says.

Lynn160

I don't have any kids but for years worked with special needs kids and my specialty was adolescent boys w/ ADHD/ conduct disorder so I've been called every name in the book

Do you know what your sons motivation is? Is he trying to be cool? or get your attention? or show you that he is growing up? is it a phase? I'd start by trying to figure out WHY he started it before you try to fix it- ask his teachers if he swears at school. Listen to him w/ his friends.

My personal approach was always that swearing about something is different than swearing AT someone. "My" kids were ignored when they swore in frustration ("math sucks, this is $@%* hard!") but punished when they swpre at me or anyone else. The punishment varied by kid but some had a 3 strike rule then they lost TV, others lost video games or gained chores- whatever worked.

Lastly- when you say "swearing" that can mean different things to different families so what words are we talking? For example the B word is so common now that it doesn't raise eyebrows.

Swear words are "attention" words, and sometimes even negative attention rewards the behavior, but losing stuff works pretty well for 10 year olds. Whether that's money from their bank (a child version of the swear jar) or losing temporarily or permanently some belonging (Mom or Dad's choice). The great thing about that is you learn very quickly which priveledges and belongings a child cherishes the most, and use the leverage accordingly.

Really the abuse laws, for the most part only cover physical abuse (you can torture your children mentally and law enforcement rarely intervenes), and physical punishments are the least successful, any way. The more you hit, the more and harder you have to in order to get the desired reaction (which is why the abuse cycle can get so easily out of hand - I worked with abused kids - and their pain tolerance was scary - the things they would do to themselves were far worse than most human beings could even dream of doing to another living creature).

With a little creativity, you can create extremely effective punishment just by taking away what the child values most, whether that's a particular toy or priveldge like tv time. No one is going to put you in jail for taking away a child's access to the tv or gameboy.

My nephew when he was 4 begged my sister for a spanking like his friends get, because he didn't want his toy taken away. Currently (at age 8) it's his pokeman trading cards - he'll do just about anything to earn more or avoid having any taken away.

That's a practical kid. Unfortunately, he showed his hand to the enemy

And worse, it's now become one of those "funny family stories" that will be used to torture and torment him well into adulthood.

Thank goodness we can't. That's quite demeaning.

Good luck.

In my youth horseradish worked wonders!!!

Not going to debate the huge!!! difference between punishment and abuse here....

I would, as I am sure you have, sit him down and discuss what is and isn't appropriate language in your home. Kids will be kids.....but that doesn't give them the right to misbehave without consequences.

I think he's doing it for two reasons ~ attention and peer pressure. Many men (young and old) think it makes them look cool to swear; and today, it is even considered a 'cool' thing to do (and I'm shocked by how many young girls now talk this way too). Look at the movies and television -- swearing more than ever before. Swearing also gives him a way to be different from you; kids are going into puberty much earlier today than before, so this is likely what I call the pre-teen phase -- pushing the envelope to see how far he can go.

Firstly, I would sit him down and give him the talk: explain how you do not approve and are not impressed or proud of him for the way he is talking these days (for some kids that would work); and that others will not be impressed with a filthy mouth either (ie gramma and grampy, or any other adult he admires).

Also make sure there isn't something else bothering him, like a bully at school or trouble with a teacher; or problems with his schoolwork or any other thing that can cause anger in a child (ie speaking of abuse). Swearing can also be a sign of UNRESOLVED ANGER.

I take it you may have done this already, and he's persisting, so on to disciplinary measures ...

Taking away priviledges is the best way with this age group: start small though ... make the discipline suit the crime. Start with one night no TV or WII games or Xbox or Computer or whatever else he loves; and work your way up, if he continues (ie the weekend; then a week). For some kids having them do chores works, but for most losing privileges works better. No movie night; no seeing friends this Friday night, and so forth.

BTW, this is the method professionals use in group homes for troubled teens where I worked as a counsellor (I'm a retired Social Worker). You know your son best, so you will know what things he would hate to lose. Keep it simple, but be consistent; don't cave and don't give in.

By starting small (one night), it will be perceived as 'fair' in your son's eyes. If a parent 'OVERPUNISHES' the kid gets frustrated and won't try or listen; and just gets angry. By being FAIR, but consistent, you maintain their respect while teaching them that rude talk or behavior will always have consequences ...

Good luck ...

who says its not legal? i feel it is still quite the effective method

I have 3 boys.I have not heard a swear word out of any in 18 years.Lucky me I know.Now, I am not saying that they have not done this out of the house because I wouldnt know for sure.What has always worked for me is to clearly define rules and consequences.They choose the behavior, they choose the consequence.Very simple and a great life lesson.My boys have been grounded from telephone, TV, sleep overs, toys,computer,sports activities..........on and on.I cant say I can actually remember a time where they have committed the same crime more than twice.Ha ha.Smart boys!!!I have made it clear that that language is not allowed.I get frustrated with them at times and find myself saying "You knew better than to do that", but in reality they are kids, they make mistakes (just like me).And not a day goes by when I am not so thankful that I was blessed to be their mom.....Rambling I know.Anyway, he sounds like a great kid.I think this will resolve quickly.

I worked as an adult probation officer for three years (and in juvenile detention for five years before that) and saw plenty of abuse cases - and have never seen a case of child abuse for a parent washing a child's mouth with soap - or for "normal" spankings, for that matter. It's mostly urban legend that parents are prosecuted frequently for normal punishment. I've seen horrendous cases that were dropped for insufficient evidence of abuse (I tend to believe that a permanent scar - even if it is on the buttocks - is evidence of abuse). I never had a person on my probation caseload or heard of a parent in our court circuit prosecuted for "normal" corporal punishment.

I also worked with kids in group home settings, and while it's textbook research, I also saw it in action that taking stuff away is a lot more effective than physical punishments. Kids get immune to physical punishment if it's used too frequently - they never seem to get immune to wanting to keep their stuff. It's a concept that is effective regardless of the intellect or age of the child. It's as effective with a severely mentally handicapped child as with a child-genius, or an adult for that matter.

soap!

I don't know what to tell you. My son is 14 and he knows that kind of language is unacceptable and inappropriate, however, he uses it. Most of the time I say something like, Hey! You know better. Then he will say, sorry mom. So, I don't know. He never had this problem before and now he does, so I know how difficult it is because peer pressure is really difficult to navigate through.