I've been doing rather well the last 15 days and today I watched it all unravel. Not because of food....because of how I feel inside.

I was over my fiance's parents house Sunday & Monday. My fiance, his sister, and I went to one of our favorite diners so I used a free meal. I ate wonderfully that day otherwise. But today it was so emotional. I woke up around 8:30, got ready, and ate a serving of special k chocolaty cereal with 1/2 cup 2% milk. After we went food shopping, we stopped at Ruby Tuesday for lunch. I got their broc&cheese soup with salad bar. I got one salad, full of nothing but greens, and a drizzle of light ranch. When we returned to his parent's I ate 4 mini reeses and a dove bliss chocolate. For dinner they had chicken alfredo, so I ate a cup and 1/2 (450 calories) with a big salad mixed with carrots, black olives, and tomatoes with spritzer dressing. Now the worse part came around....

My fiance put together a mini cheesecake (mini pie crust with the already made cheesecake stuff) and started munching away. I looked at him, kind of sad...And he said "debating?". I just turned around, said "I don't need one" and walked away. I sat down in the living room. He sat next to me and he just looked at me and said "Why are you sad?". I wanted to cry. His mom asked why and Kenny said "she's worried about the calories" (not sarcastically, but in a caring way). His mom said it was okay for me to have one and I told her I wasn't hungry. Then his mom, dad, and sister were eating them and I felt so...isolated.

I was so overwhelmed. I just wanted one so bad. I wanted to tell myself it's okay and that I can just *restart* tomorrow. But that's what I am trying to stop doing. I want to try and stop making excuses. Earlier in the day I was fighting myself not to eat a million more reeses cups. I wanted to feel like I had control for once. I tried watching Most Evil, one of my favorite shows, but my mind focused on food. All I could think about was when I was going to be able to eat dinner. I drank 32oz of water but my mind was still focused on one thing...

I don't know where I stand now. Part of me is angry and wants to blast through this weight loss, but another part of me just wants to throw in the towel. I want it so badly. Will it get any easier?

Ohhh, honey. There are hundreds of us here who can relate to how you're feeling and how emotional this process can be. Reading through that I just.. FELT exactly how you must've been feeling.

In terms of what you've eaten today and such... the way you're hammering through the unhealthier things... reese's peanutbutter cups, and the cereal and such... it really sounds like you're berating yourself like mad! All of us slip... and all of us fall. You can't beat yourself up over these slips, they'll happen! All of us need to learn to accept it, and not let it get us down. You really didn't really destroy the day calories-wise from what I can tell, and you were still able to say no, despite it being a bit emotionally taxing. (My definition of "destroying the day," honestly and truly RUINING it, is eating a box of KD by myself, a good 850+ calories... for JUST one meal, on top of MORE garbage. )

I think you're taking a really healthy approach in trying to teach yourself to say "no" when you know that you don't need the calories. I know it can feel isolating and frustrating when you look around at people-- especially people who don't have weight problems-- and see them indulging. It feels like an excuse, for me at least, to indulge as well, and heightens my feeling of deprivation.
Here's my two cents, take 'em or leave 'em! For me, realistic rationalizations have always worked out well in my favour. In your situation, while I would have gladly eaten three of those little cheesecakes , I always have to remind myself when I feel that overwhelming sense of being deprived of something I want... that this will NOT be the last time I get to indulge in something like this! If I say no today, I'll still be able to indulge in something like that later. So, why feel so deprived in the moment?

And instead of that sense of despair and deprivation, I always try to turn it into something more powerful. If you can turn your back and say, "No, thanks, I'm not hungry. " with solid determination, you're exerting your strength and control, and you get to come back to 3FC and say, "Hey. I turned down CHEESECAKE today! " and get a million pats on the back.

I've gotta say, once I stop indulging a ton in sweets, I stop craving them. So... I'd say, yes, it does get easier saying no. And ESPECIALLY once you start seeing really drastic results in your hips and stomach and thighs. Does it get easier then? GOD yes, because you're often too busy celebrating that old pair of jeans you've squeezed back into to fall prey to the yummy chocolate chip cookies!

Stick with us, honey! You can't throw in the towel yet, you've come too far!

Hey... Sometimes weight loss is hard, and it sucks. You just have to make the best decision that you can in the moment, and sometimes that means sharing the cheesecake, and sometimes it means saying no. It's not easy but I think you are just having a bad day and things will look better in the morning.

Here is my possibly to blunt opinion.

The unhealthy relationships to food part of you is what wanted that extra dessert at the end of the night I think. Did you feel like you were getting cheated out of something? I try really hard to seperate my emotions from the food i'm eating. Food is fuel - a calorie is a measurement of energy that you need to get through the day. They were all eating an unhealthy treat, and you had a "dessert" that day - the reeses, so say to yourself, I don't need this - i treated myself today to some very tastey chocolate, tomorrow, maybe I'll have some cheesecake for a treat. But today - I don't need it. And then try really hard to just remove yourself. Food is fuel, it shouldn't over take your emotions and your mind like it does to all of us on here... if only we could just get ride of that haunting that food does to us - gr!

Stay strong, it will get easier - you will want to make healthy decisions always! I feel sad for the people around me who make an unhealthy decision when I'm making healthy ones. I know that the quality of their health is being effected, while mine is improving. Sound stuck up - but it keeps me going.

best of luck.

Jelbb - I ate around 1800 calories, which is within my range. It's just so hard when you're surrounded by unhealthy foods and people who can just eat whatever and feel fine. They love going out to eat also. After we left BJ's I asked my fiance to suggest Ruby Tuesday because I knew they a salad bar and their soup isn't that bad. I really wanted to be OP for their day. We use to stay for 2-3 days, but since I work 2 jobs now, we're limited to one day every two weeks. It has helped me stay on track and I try to make use of the foods they have when I am there (ie: the special k cereal and the 2% milk for breakfast). I just feel out of control. At home I am fine. I have nothing but foods I like to eat and that are good for me. No real tempting foods besides the skinny cow ice cream sandwiches for snacks. '

futuresurferchick - Thanks

garstar - I thank you for your opinion. I didn't feel like I was being cheated. I just felt so odd about denying it. I am trying to overcome my unhealthy relationship with food. It hasn't been easy. I have dealt with binge/emotional eating for the last 7 years and now I'm facing it. I am trying to just tell myself I don't need these things. But after a while my mind is just telling me I do need them. It's a constant fight.

Hmmm. Y'know what? Since you KNOW you're seriously tempted by junk SPECIFICALLY at their house, maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to ask your fiance or your fiance's parents if you can stash a box of skinny cow stuff in their freezer?
It sounds like they know you're losing weight anyhow, so perhaps they won't mind?

If not, I'd say go armed with something sweet but lower calorie that you HONESTLY, TRULY enjoy. That way, when they indulge, you can too... but in a slightly healthier, guilt-free way?

Also... KUDOS on staying within your calorie range either way! Well done chickie.

I also hate these situations. Especially when you're out to dinner with friends and if you don't splurge you're "not fun" etc etc. I think if you really want it that badly just have a small portion, and maybe have a smaller portion of whatever for dinner to compensate. Depriving yourself leads to bad things.

I will repeat the previous KUDOS for staying in range. And I will empathize, because I don't know if it really ever gets easier, but I know how you feel. It's HARD! I spend all my time with three college age boys, and they drink heavily and eat fast food all the time and have cookies and cakes around, and it's really really HARD! I just can't do that! So I have to bring my own Coke Zero, and eat at home, and just watch those stupid cookies, and it's frustrating.

So i totally know how you feel, and I'm so sorry you felt so isolated in the situation. I'm glad they are being supportive of you, especially your fiance. Writing about it on 3FC has helped me out some, knowing that other people are doing it too. If you ever want to PM me, I'd be more than happy to chat. Please know that you're not alone. I'm sorry it was a rough night.