First of all, you need to change your "I'm a failure" mindset right quick. As everyone said, this kind of mentality does nothing for you but set you up to continue to berate yourself and you'll never get anything accomplished with that kind of mentality. You need to look at the fact that "Ok well I didn't work out the past few days and I fell off the wagon." Big deal! We all do and that's what makes us human. Now you just need to look at what can be done to put you back on course. In the process of getting youself back on plan you need to look at your reasons of why you want to do this. And I hate to say it and I don't want to sound mean but if you're not doing this for yourself then it's going to be really hard to reach your goal. It has to be about you and for you to make it really happen. You have to decide for yourself that you are worth it to do it which you are. YOU ARE SOOOOO WORTH IT!
As for being scared of being thin, believe me, I get it. I'm there too. I am deathly afraid of what it's going to mean for me. I struggle with it everyday with this fear, but luckily for us, weight loss isn't an overnight process. We have time to see the changes and accept them and grow as they happen. My best advice I can give you for that is what others gave to me is find out what about being thin specifically is scary to you and bring that into the open and deal with it. Even if it takes a long time or it's something you have to deal with daily, at least if you have it in the forefront of your mind you can take steps to deal with it so you can stop sabotaging yourself in your weightloss endeavor. Fear is a natural part of life and if you just try and cover it up, it's going to come out in other ways in your life. I have a mantra that I actually have tattooed on my foot "Feel the fear, do it anyway." which basically means you can be scared all you want but go and do or face whatever it is that scares you because the only way to come out of it or deal with it is to feel the fear and move into that uncomfortable place and deal with it. And sometimes when you do that you come to find that the fear is something silly and that by putting certain things into place you can get over it or deal with it. I'll give you an example, my fear for when I get thin is what kind of attention will I get from guys? Will they only want me for my looks? Will it be negative attention (whistling, hollering at me)? Will I end up with the wrong person in a relationship because of my weight? Honestly, I'm still scared. I still have these fears but what I tell myself is that the right person will love me for me and it won't matter if I'm 100 pounds or 300 pounds, and I can control the kind of attention I get and how I respond to it. I have a voice and I can use it. I can demand the kind of respect that I want. I just keep telling myself that over and over again and reminding myself just how strong I am emotionally and physically thanks to all the work I'm doing for myself on a psychological level and what I'm doing in the gym. The work you do in the gym will give you a great insight into what kind of person you are. Everytime you push yourself through a hard sprint or you lift a heavy weight you never thought you could life that just gives you a look, a glimpse into just how strong you really are. And that's what the gym component can do for you on an emotional and psychological level as well as do your body good.
I apologize for the long post but everything I said is what I found that works for me and for other people I know. I just want to help you to figure out what you need to for yourself so I was just giving you the info that's helped. I'm sorry if there were times where I was a little tough love but sometimes people need that. You'll figure it out in time hun. I just know it.
