Okay, it happens all the time and I want to know how people handle it:

Your size 4/6 friend is having a bloated day (PMS, too much drinking, freshman 15, whatever) and she starts whining about how fat she is. You endure this for a bit (and maybe several independent instances of this) but finally you confront them and say “Look, you are a lot smaller than me, how do you think it makes me feel that you are always complaining that you are fat when I clearly am much larger than you?”

And you get this response: “Well, I am not saying you’re fat, I’m just saying I need to lose weight. You look fine the way you are”

How do you respond in a calm rational manner? What do you say? Tell me so I can stop having little break downs when this happens? (One was really bad when my size 6 friend and my 5’9” 115 lbs friend began discussing their weight loss plans…it really makes a girl who is 5’1” and 185 pounds feel good)

Ugh I always hate that. Those are the people that crave attention--she WANTS people to reassure her that she's completely normal. People like that need to hear it.

But if she really won't shut up about it, then just tell her to do something about it. Suggest that she run more or stop eating junk or staying out late drinking. Once you stop feeding her compliments and start AGREEING with her, I think she'd be more likely to shut up about it.

Even thinner girls have insecurities about their bodies, and I doubt it's her intention to make you feel bad.

Give her advice on how she can go about working out and strengthening her body so she'll feel better in her own skin.

Its Courtney is right, she is an attention getter. Does she know that you are self-conscious about your weight, I mean genuinely self-conscious, because it doesn't sound like she is (it sounds like she is just saying that she needs to lose weight to hear you say "oh no you don't")? Wow that was a massive run-on... She is insecure in some way to need to hear other people say she has nothing to be insecure about. Does that make sense? She may not realize that her comments hurt people who are really trying to lose weight and are bigger then her. One of my friends constantly talks about needing to lose weight (yes she is smaller), but instead of saying I'm okay as I am (we've had "the talk"), she asks me for advice or asks if I will do more active stuff with her to help us both move towards our goals. Sometimes people just need a wake up call... I'm rambling, sorry, you can PM me if you want to know how I approached this problem with her, although I do have to warn you that I was very blunt with her. But, sometimes people need that.

As someone who has been on both sides of this...

Even girls who are smaller than you sometimes feel bad about their bodies.
Even girls who are conventionally "thin" have fat days.

When I was heavier, I used to think that the size 8 girls complaining about their bellies/thighs/whatever we being out and out RUDE and implying, if not out and out saying, that I was fat. Now I am one of them, and it can be very isolating, because when I have a fat day (and EVERYONE, size 2 or size 28, has a fat day now and then), I don't feel that I can complain about it to my girlfriends...and isn't that part of what girlfriends are for?

The reason she says you look fine isn't because she's lying or being deceitful, it's because we are our own worst critics. You really do like fine to her, but in herself, she sees tons of flaws. Just like you could look at a friend who is your size and thinks she looks nice/pretty, but you might not be so kind to yourself looking in the mirror.

I'd prevent yourself from having a breakdown by reminding yourself that even people smaller than you have the right to have low body-confidence days, and that they want to talk to their friends about it just like you would. And sometimes, you might consider a gentle rephrasing when she says something. For example "Ugh, I'm so huge" could be responded to with, "Honey, you're not huge. But I'm really sorry you feel that way today!"

My SIL is like that. I can sort of empathize because she weighs about 15 pounds more than she likes to (she is 118 now & is usually 103), HOWEVER, what I always tell my MIL is that it is really uncool for her to say those things to me when she knows that I struggle so badly with my weight. I have always thought it was really insensitive of her. It can cut really deep when you think "I'd give anything to have your problem."

So, I understand what you mean. I realize every girl has body image issues, but a little sensitivity would be great sometimes.

That was a great post, Manda.

I have to agree with mandalinn. Your friend isn't even considering your size and weight when she looks at her self. Don't think that just because she is thinner than you that she shouldn't have anything to complain about, because in her mind, she does and it is no reflection on you at all. I got upset at my husband one time because he flipped out over the number on the scale and it was like 10lbs less than what I weighed at the time. I was so upset that I thought, he must be absolutely disgusted by me then. But you know, he isn't, he loves me and doesn't see the weight on me like I do.

I agree with those saying that she's insecure. Even when I was at my current goal weight in college (140) I'd still stand in front of the mirror and poke and prod and pull at my belly, criticizing myself for everything.

****, when I was a kid and weighed 120 (at 5'7") I HATED my thighs, cause they'd squish out and looked fat when I sat down. What I wouldn't give to look like I did then (only... with less baby fat in my face, lol).

Please cut her some slack. It's really isolating when you feel bad about yourself but you can't vent to or seek support from any of your friends because they're all bigger than you. That's why we have a Featherweight community - so us smaller girls with less weight to lose don't feel so self conscious talking about our 10-20lb goal while others are struggling with 50lbs.

We're all trying to reach the same goal - feeling better about ourselves and feeling healthier. Try empathizing, like "Oh man, I know what you mean, I'm having one of those fat days, too!" If she even notices your weight (which is less likely than you think - we all see ourselves as fatter than others do), she'll instantly realize what she said. If not, consider if this is something you can have patience with, and decide what to do from there.

I know its annoying but its not a reflection on you, when i have fat days, especially when i have my period, i feel i'm the only fat person in the world.

I have friends who are bigger than me, but they never seem fat, i think they look great and whatever weight they have suits them. They may hate their weight, and me for having the nerve to feel fat when they weigh several stone more. Just try to remember that its not personal and everyone has body issues.

Oooooh, I have a friend who has always been a healthy size throughout our friendship--not super-skinny or anything, but NOT fat (she's probably about 10-15 lbs less than me, and about the same height), and it always drove me nuts whenever she would gain a few pounds, cuz she would act like it had ruined her life or something... Like she was sooooo fat. I never confronted her about it (I never talked about my weight with my friends when I was heavier), but I always wondered how people could complain about their weights in front of me. I'd be thinking, Do you KNOW how much I would kill to be your size?! And yeah, of course it makes you wonder, how come it's such a huge disaster for a friend to gain some weight, but they don't seem to mind at all that I'm obese?

I agree with Courtney!

Just wanted to say, this is a good point.

I agree with those who say everyone has their own insecurities. If these people haven't given you any reason to believe that their self criticism is aimed at you, I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. It would be like one of the people who needs to lose 100+ lbs taking your venting about your weight personally, even though your goal isn't about them, it's about you. I like the suggestions about commiserating with her, or giving her advice. If she really is serious about having a few lbs to lose, it's a positive that she's trying to get a handle on it. Just like it's a good thing when anyone decides to start making healthy lifestyle changes.