...especially when they're family???

Okay - this is probably more of a rant than anything, but I feel like I really need to get this off my chest and I wasn't sure where else to post this.

I have a sister who's a little older than I am. She has never been what you would consider "over-weight", like myself, I am morbidly obese. Growing up she always had body issues and couldn't stand the mere thought of being "fat".

Since having her 2 children, her image has gotten so much worse (even though she's at a healthy weight). Here's what's been bugging me about her and I'm not sure how to approach her about it.

She does not keep a scale at her house so when she comes to my house, she is obsessed with constantly going to the bathroom to use my scale to weigh herself. Then she makes her daughters (my nieces) weigh themselves so she can see how much they both weigh.

Her oldest daughter (7) is tall, lanky, and skinny. Her youngest daughter (4) is shorter and pudgier. Therefore my sister is constantly making comments about how skinny her oldest daughter is and how her youngest daughter is going to be her little "pudge". She calls her porky. It's to the point where my 7 yr old niece is making mean comments about my younger nieces weight. Growing up as a pudgy kid, I know how much that hurts.

My sister has continued to make comments about how her youngest daughter is so much like her "auntie Kari". I've tried to tell her before that she shouldn't say things like that, but she just gets mad and tells me that she can say what she wants and that they're her kids. Sometimes she even gets so mad at me that she will quit talking to me for weeks (and sometimes even months) and will not allow me to see my nieces, who I am VERY close with.

She is my only sister, so I try to be close with her (mostly for the sake of my nieces) but it's hard because everything with her is about weight. Each time my DH and I go to dinner with her and her S/O she makes comments afterwards about how fat she feels and that she needs to go home and take some laxatives and "chromium" to help her lose some of the weight. Doesn't she realize that she's dining with two morbidly obese people who find it offensive that that's all she ever talks about? She's just clueless about it I think.

Since I've decided to try the Slim-Fast plan, I've already started receiving negative comments from her. She came into the house and saw the boxes of slim-fast and said, "Who's drinking that???". I told her I was. Immediately she told me that I don't need to take that. All I need to take is "Hydroxi-cut" and I'll start losing weight. She is just clueless.

Now since she knows that I'm trying to lose weight, she said that she wants to "join" in with me and walk with me everyday. The problem is that I DO NOT want her to join me because I feel like she always brings me down. I don't mind having a walking buddy, but I already know that while we're walking the entire conversation is going to be about her and her weight. She does not provide support or encouragement. She has a very negative attitude and I don't want her sabataging me.

I just don't know how to tell her that I do not want her help. Her distorted views are not mine and I don't want any part of the way she thinks.

Has anyone else ever had friends or relatives like this? If so, how did or do you deal with them? I'm afraid to say anything to her out of the fear of losing my nieces. I just want to be healthier and keep negatives thoughts and people (like my sister) far away from me...lol

Sorry this was so long!
Thanks for reading!
- Kari

Oh my goodness. I wish I knew how to help you. Seriously putting a 4 year old on a scale and then trashing her about her weight?!?!?!?! that infuriates me. Does she realize that she is setting her children up to have body image, and possible weight issues the rest of their lives? I am sorry to me that is just being a piss poor mother, because if she does that crap at your house it sure as anything happens at hers but maybe not in the same forms.

Have you ever talked to her SO about it by himself or either of your parents? Your sister sounds like she needs to seek some psychiatric help and parenting classes. How could her SO even possibly think that is healthy for their children.

GRRRRR people are so stinkin absurd.

Oh wow... How sad. My heart goes out to her daughters. Both of whom (if they follow their mother) could end up with severe eating disorders & disordered thoughts about body image & food. Just ... heartbreaking.

Small suggestions...

#1) Hide the frickin' scale anytime your sister even looks at your home. I don't care what you do with it, just make it completely inaccessible to her. Then tell her it broke or something. At the very least this ends her weighing her daughters at your house.

#2) She's being rude to her own daughter, and unfortunately, I don't think there's anything you can do to stop her. Stay a positive role model in both of your nieces lives. (And tell them what they really need to hear when the mom isn't around. )

#3) My all time fav way of politely declining people who want to walk with me. (As I hate walking with others.) "We'll have to work that out sometime. I usually walk at all sorts of weird times, so it may not be a regular thing." And then go out walking whenever the heck you want.

She may be (she sounds like) one of those people who you will never be able to share your journey with. And that's sad. I hope that her eyes open soon.

You are right not to want to walk or otherwise partner up with her as part of your weight loss journey. Honestly, I think she needs mental help. Anyone who is so obsessed with body image that they emotionally abuse their small child needs psychiatric evaluation. Can you get your parents or any other relatives involved? A firm, non-judgemental intervention might be something to consider. I would definitely try to arrange to have some kind of therapist there, though, to sort of 'mediate' if she becomes belligerent. If she responds to being the center of attention, she will be more likely to listen to you.

I would definitely tell her that her comments are offensive and make it hard for you to stick to your own goals. She may not realize what the words coming out of her mouth sound like.

And a big thumbs-up to what Faerie just said.

Yes, step one, hide the scale when she's there. It belongs to you, she has no right to use it, and I think its really destructive for her kids for her to have access to it. You could also excuse it with "I was getting really scale-obsessive and it wasn't healthy, so I decided to weigh myself once a week outside of the house", which not only prevents her from getting at the scale, but also subtly says that being scale-obsessed isn't healthy.

I'd also second providing positive reinforcement, body image talk, and other feedback to the two girls. And make sure they know that if they ever need to talk to someone, you're there (particularly the younger one).

I can identify in many ways!

I also have an older sister who is the physical opposite of me. She's the same height as I am (five foot nothing) but she's a size 0, maybe a double 0. She was about 102 pounds when she was about to deliver both of her boys. She weighs about 94 pounds, maybe.
She's a health freak, a bit of a pretentious hippy, and preeeeeachy!
She also sometimes tries to "help" me in my journey. And she too, makes awful comments to her older son (8) about how he's eating like a pig...etc...

It is NOT fun. I love my sister, and I know she's got her own set of issues with food.
I want you to know that I totally see where you're coming from. What your sister is doing to her daughters will damage them for the rest of their lives...and that makes me angry and sad for them


Linda

Oh I like that! That's a good line for when she asks about the scale.

Ladies - thank you all SO much for your replies. They have certainly opened my eyes on ways that I can help prevent some of this in the future! My nieces are my #1 concern - I love them as if they were my own children and I hate to see them hurt.

Tonight when I go home I am hiding the scale. (Not sure why I never thought to do that in the first place). That will completely eliminate her weighing herself and the kids at my house. I'll just tell her it is broke and that I'm weighing myself at the mall (which I do sometimes). I am also going to try to tell her that I don't know when I'll be walking each day, that way I can walk the dog alone without her there to hinder my progress.

As far as my nieces go, when they spend time with me I always try to tell them as much as possible how beautiful they are inside and out. I try to explain to my nieces that negative comments are hurtful and just because mommy says them, doesn't mean that they should be saying them too. Sometimes it seems like they understand - other times I know they forget the right thing to do, but hey, they're kids and I know they'll slip up.

I've told my nieces that each person has an invisible basket and we need to try and fill their basket with as many good things as possible. But when you say something negative about someone or even yourself, then you're just taking away from their basket. So whenever they come over, we focus on filling other people's baskets by saying nice things, giving compliments, doing nice things for others, etc... It's fun because they've almost made a game out of it.

I do believe my sister has many emotional issues (I don't know why) and I can only hope that I can be a good influence on my nieces as they grow up. It would be devestating for them to grow up with such distorted views of themselves.

Once again, I truly appreciate all of your replies and suggestions, and also for allowing me to vent here. You are all wonderful!

Thanks again!

Kari

Those are some great ideas. I am sorry your sister is like that and I really hope her youngest daughter is able to grow up with a positive body image. Self esteem and self worth starts so young and I would hate for her to start feeling bad about herself. It breaks my heart. I wish your sister could understand what she is doing. If she had ever struggled with her weight I bet she would have more compassion and would not say and do things like that.

mu mum is like that always thinking about herself and using the elliptical and treadmill amazingly at the time i wanna use them i just get with my plan and brush it off now she gained 20 pounds and is still trying to piss me off and i lost 20 .the best way you'll make ur sis mader is by succeding and i agree u should hide that scale let her bring one and obcess at her own home

I really don't know what to say regarding your nieces, except that it makes me incredibly sad and angry. That sounds borderling abusive if you ask me. Just continue to be a positive force in their life and hopefully that will influence their self image.

Wow! My mom was obsessed with my weight growing up. Though I dont think she meant to she cause lots of problems. She would only alow me to eat boiled chicken for dinner. Now I like boiled chicken but at the time I was 5'9 and 124 pds. It really was unhealthy for me. Given the kids the most positive influence you can is the best way to fight the negitive influence their mother is giving. Good Luck

I think it's great that you are trying to be a positive influence in your nieces' lives. I was reading the first couple of chapters from diet girls new book and she tells about her mothers obsession with food causing her food issues. It sounds similar to what your sister is doing to your niece. I wonder if you could get her to read something like that. Maybe it would open her eyes to what she's doing. It's so hard to deal with issues like this with relatives. Many times your good intentions can back fire. I like the idea of hiding the scale, then your niece won't have that to face when she comes to your house.

You said that you think she is just clueless when she makes comments but I'm not so sure about that.

Some people seem to only feel good about themselves when they feel superior to others and exert power. The manipulative game she is playing with your nieces (pitting them against each other) is something I've seen a few times in my life like with some of my youth group kids. For example, one mom told her 13 year old son "No one will ever love you except me." Sad.

The best you can do for your nieces is to model a healthy lifestyle and have a LOT of fun with them when you are with them. They are probably living in such a negative environment that positive comments and fun times will go a long way with them.

Personally I would refrain from trying to "correct" what their mother says. That usually gets back to the mom and causes problems, plus for young kids it's confusing. Instead just say "when you're at my house one of the rules is we don't cut each other down" or something like that.

Eventually they will begin to compare your ways with their mom's. They will realize you are fun to be around and make them feel good and they will look at you as a role model. As you get to a healthy weight they will see that too.

Anyhow that's my thoughts on it.