Hi girls,

I feel bad posting yet another negative thread but I really need some support as I am heading to a dark place. I am exhausted. I don't just mean physically, although about a week straight of sleep would be great, but completely drained. Allow me to put this into some perspective. About 2 years ago I lost 40 lbs in 3 months. I was thrilled. I thought I was all kinds of hot. And then I started to get sick, really really sick. I went to the doctor and no one knew what was wrong with me. Then one day after being really sick I went to the hospital and after running blood work they figured out that I was in the early stages of kidney failure. Apparently my weight loss was too sudden and my body could not handle it. I had to stop losing weight. I was devastated but I was even more frightened of the words "kidney failure" so my weight loss efforts ground to a halt. As time went on I started gaining and as things stand right now I have a net gain of about 30 lbs.

My family never knew about this which is just as well because in this last year my relationship with them has completely disintegrated. My mother has never liked me (I know it sounds strange, but it's true) and she has poisoned my siblings (who I have spent my whole life fighting for and protecting) against me to the extent that my sister refused to come to my college graduation. The last year in particular has been hard because of the family stuff and because it was my senior year in college. I pushed myself so hard to make it through the year regardless of the stuff going on in my personal life. I can proudly say I graduated with honors as well as Magna Cum Laude, but it was something I had to fight hard for.

The stress has brought back daily migraines and some days they are so bad that I can barely make the 15 minute drive to work without pulling over until I stop seeing double. I see my boyfriend (who is an angel) interact with his family and watch my friends interact with theirs and I just feel so hopelessly alone. I know that given the abuse I have suffered from my parents that my decision to sever our relationship was the best thing for me...but it has cost me siblings that I love very much. It has also left me feeling adrift as I watch my friends with their families and have to acknowledge that I simply don't have that. I never have and I won't until the bf and I are married and have kids of our own.

Also, my boyfriend might be getting another job 1500 miles away and now I have to worry about moving from a place I love or losing the man I love (not losing losing but not being able to be with him every day). One of our friends had the gall to tell my bf that if he expected that sort of commitment from me (moving 1500 miles away for him) then he was going to have to put a ring on my finger. Now don't get me wrong, I want to marry my bf, he has told me he wants to marry me, we have been together for 3 years and I know we will get married eventually but for some reason all our friends are pressuring us to do it NOW. I had a long talk with the bf and told him that our friend was stupid and that loving him was all the reason I'd need to move, but now our stupid friend has put this idea of using a ring to bribe me into his head. He wouldn't do it for those reasons I'm sure, but I hate that our friend has made him think that way.

Finally, dragging this all around to the issue that brought me to 3FC, I've gained about 5 lbs in the last week. Some of it is water weight because I've eaten salty sh*t that I shouldn't (cheetoes on sunday, chex mix yesterday) and because of my TOM but some of it is because I have just eaten too d*mn much. I can honestly say that I'm much better than I was even 3 months ago. I didn't allow myself to have the whole bag of anything. Even though it was bfs birthday on Thursday and his party on Saturday and I made a cake for each occasion I only had 1 piece of cake as dessert each day. I ate too much but I ate less of too much than I would have 3 months ago. But that doesn't change to how bad it feels to watch the scale creep back up. I guess the whole point of this obscenely long post is that I am incredibly tired of fighting for every inch of everything. I have spent so long fighting my body, my parents, my friends, my siblings, my own negativity...I just don't want to anymore. I saw the scale hit 172 today (a number I haven't seen in about 3 weeks) and I felt the fight just drain out of me. I stared at those numbers and just said "that's it, I am so tired of fighting to be healthy and to be happy I just don't want to anymore". And that's what this all boils down to. I don't mean it in any permanent sense, because I realize that's how it sounds, I just mean that right now I feel too emotionally exhausted to care at all about weight loss or moving or money or anything. Right now I just want to curl up with my video games and live in a world of absolute escapism. I don't want to fight for a healthy body anymore because right now everything (especially weight loss) feels like a losing battle. I'm getting redundant now so I'm going to stop writing. Thank you to those of you that take the time to read this and comment on it. It gives me something to look forward to when I get home from work. I know that I will get through this...I've been through worse, but I need a little help and I couldn't think of better people to ask for it.

Love as always,
~Sidheag

Sidheag! I'm so sorry to hear of all your troubles.

Yes, losing at the rate you were going--40 pounds in 3 months, that's over 3 pounds a week--is a sure way to do damage to your body. I'm sorry you did that! But hopefully you'll have no lasting problems from that experiment.

Have you considered seeing a dietitian or nutritionist for a food plan, or are you doing it yourself? Given your kidney problems in the past, it wouldn't hurt to have a personalized diet plan.

You say you're tired of fighting--I know how that feels--but where did those Cheetos creep in? If you simply stay on your plan, you won't feel like you're fighting all the time... Cheetos and Chex Mix shouldn't even be in your house... or in your mind... they don't just appear out of the air, you have to buy them, right?

As for your boyfriend, I kind of agree with your friend that there has to be more of a commitment there if you're going to move 1500 miles. If you wouldn't make that move for a friend or relative, you shouldn't make it for a boyfriend. (And if he wouldn't make that move for you, well, that says something too.) If things go wrong (no one ever thinks they will, but it does happen), you could find yourself in the middle of "nowhere" with "nothing."

Hang in there--you don't have to do it all perfectly...

Jay

Sidheag,

I'm so sorry you are going through all this! Take it easy on yourself, though! There's no hurry about anything, you've got your whole life ahead of you.

Take a few deep breaths, a bubble bath, and get some much needed rest. I know I felt very mentally exhausted after I graduated from college, as well as in knots about the drastic changes the future would be bringing. I also gained a ton of weight during the whole thing!!

As far as the move, I wouldn't worry about what friends, etc have to say about your relationship or the need to get married right away. The two of you know each other and your relationship and YOU will know when the time is right. As for the move itself, you might want to think of it as a fresh start! How many people have the excitement to get to go someplace totally new and get to reinvent themselves the way you have the opportunity to do?

Keep the snacking under as much control as possible, give yourself a break, then start back on the weight loss in a HEALTHY way once you're settled!

I know right now everything is overwhelming, but everything will work out. And as for family, use your bf's family as substitues till you have your own!

Chin up, girl, you'll be okay.

I am very sorry to hear you are having a hard time... Been there, done that...
Sometimes we feel like we want to give up and just stop fighting. People think I am strong so they always assume I can handle anything (even I think that sometimes and just take hard on myself).
There are times we have to take a break to ourselves. Take a long bath, listen to your favorite song, give your bf that great kiss, watch your favorite movie, or just got to the movies watch that new release you can’t wait to see...
There are days where I think I am tired of doing all the things I don’t want to do: Wake up early in the morning, going to work, not eating delicious stuff, working out, not buying that fabulous shoes, having to deal with TOM... and the list goes on and on...
But unfortunately we can’t stop... that is life... and we can’t hide from it. So let’s face it, so at the end of the day we will at least feel proud thinking we got through it all. And soon or later the reward will be here, like the $$ that waking up to go to work brought, the weight we lost for not eating that ice cream, the muscle we built in our workout, etc...
So, when things seems tough, take a break, relax (because we are all human here), then get back to the reality and keep going. Enjoy the rewards as much as you can, because they worth the fight.

I think we have all been here before...everything just piles up and then to top it off, the scale goes up too. This past weekend I saw the scale say 167 and I sat on the floor and cried. I have a lot of other issues going on right now too and that was just the top of the cake. BUT, it must have been water weight because this morning I was back to 160.6. I never realized before that a scale could be that extreme in a few days!!!

You've done a great job already and it's okay to "be done with it" once in awhile. Just pick yourself back up and keep trucking...maybe take a day or two and do something that YOU want to do!

Speaking of video games...what do you have? My husband just won a Wii this past weekend (which is crazy cuze we never win anything) and I LOVE IT. FUN FUN FUN...and I more then broke a sweat!!!!

Thanks for the responses girls, you really made me smile I know that you are all right and I am too much of a fighter to ever just give up but lord knows it's tempting right now. Also, JayEll, I had that junk in my house because it was my bf's birthday party. He asked for those things specifically since we haven't been anywhere near them since May. He loves junk food but since I've been trying to eat better he has too. However, where I learned to be happier without those things he still misses them sometimes.
I picked up a new book, took a bubble bath, and have been listening to music and all those things helped. I still feel a little defeated but...I'm sure it will pass.
Burhenns: Thank you so much and I have to say that I agree with you completely. No one but me and the bf knows our relationship and I don't think we have to conform to anyone's standards but our own.
Belezura: I totally hear you on the people always assume that I am crazy strong thing. I swear, sometimes I want to shake them and remind them I'm a person not a robot! I do feel better than I did 20 lbs ago though, and that's the important bit.
JamieJo: Scales suck. That's the honest truth. I cried this morning. And we have an old school N64 but I love playing Neverwinter Nights on my Mac. We are drooling over the Wii though...I want one so bad!

Again, thanks for the responses...I just really need support right now. Let me know where I can return the favor!

All the love,
~Sidheag

Wow, you have a lot going on right now! And I totally understand that you don't want to spend a lot of time and energy on something like weight loss that happens slowly and is probably very scary for you.

I think the best thing for you right now would be to make small changes gradually. Don't jump into going to the gym 5 days and week and religiously counting your calories because you'll just get overwhelmed. If I were you, I would slowly start encorporating better habits into my lifestyle.. eat 100-cal bags of popcorn instead of chips, for example. Or try going for a walk when you feel stressed, it can really help clear your mind.

It sounds like you have a lot of demands and pressures on you right now...don't add to that by being super harsh on yourself about weight loss! Slow and steady wins the race, and realize every good decision you make is a step in the right direction.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through so much!

I think one of the best things you could do right now is put away the scale. I think that we tend to put too much pressure on ourselves over a number. Instead, with everything going on right now, you should be focusing on making good choices because they make you feel good, not pressuring yourself to see results. Maybe you should switch up your approach for a few weeks- maybe reward yourself for little (even the littlest) healthy choices- a checkmark or a sticker for every healthy meal, every walk, every time you take a relaxing bubble bath, etc. This way, you're focusing on improving your habits without the pressure of the scale. By the time you're ready to face the scale again, you'll have dropped a few pounds and changed your outlook on why you're doing this- to make yourself feel good, not to please an evil little box.

Hi again girls,

Thank you so much for being there for me. Yesterday was just a really really rough day but today is better. I've gotten more sleep and I just saw almost all the weight that I thought I gained drop off this morning (turns out TOM left a day later than I thought, had I realized I was still on yesterday I wouldn't have been as upset). I feel kind of dumb for being so upset seeing that but...oh well. I'm still stressed out/exhausted/and a little pissy :P but I don't feel defeated today. The stuff that was making me sad is still there but nothing is ever perfect. Oh by the way SouthLake "why you're doing this- to make yourself feel good, not to please an evil little box" CRACKED ME UP. "Evil little box" is the best description ever. But you are right, and physically I'm feeling so much better. Now I just have to get my head to catch up to my body. :P I love you all, thank you for helping me to pull out of my own negativity.


Sidheag

I'm so sorry to hear this but I can see why, its not good to loose so much weight so fast it will be hard for your body to manage and keep up. I wish you all the best in the future